Feeling neglected unless needed for babysitting

Hi. I think Maddyone may have a point about the control bit from SIL. If I were you I definitely would nt ‘ help’ domestically , as there really is no need. I suggest you take your daughter and GC to some where nice overnight in the Christmas holidays if you afford it with plenty of notice! . Maybe one Saturday night as a treat with a Christmas pantomime or something thrown in. ?. Could be just a nice Air b& b Maybe via train to avoid stress of driving. I think if you gain some closeness together with your daughter that would be great. SIL possibly will object if she goes alone with you without the children [ even though he goes away himself] I. Sorry but yes sounds controlling, to me. Not sure if above helps! X

I feel for you and understand. I live an hour's drive away (and am on my own) but my son in law's parents live near to them and understandably they see them more often. I look after my grandson one day a week (it was two days until he went to nursery). I go to them. But I honestly think I wouldnt see them if I didnt do that as they very very rarely come to me. What really hurts is when I know they are visiting friends near to me and don't even pop in to say hello. It's hard, not sure that helps you but maybe knowing you are not alone can be helpful.

Covid certainly changed the world as well as family relationships. But this particular issue is a classic ‘elderlies’ complaint. Ageing means focusing on changing too! And this means understanding that it’s healthy and normal for family ties to loosen. It sounds as if your grown up children and family are the all encompassing centre of your ‘ageing’ world and you have neglected the need to expand on other interests, hobbies and friendships to balance out having their reluctance to regularly commit to being with you. And if you take on the task of doing their ironing ……yet feeling resentful about it ……just will add fuel to the fire!

I'd retreat from this for a while and see what happens. Very hurtful situation for you. But you need to take control and not be treated like this.
I wouldn't be paying for a holiday as they are high earners, no way.
Eventually this will all sort itself out , which has been my experience in life
Do your own thing for a while, yoga, little treats, and outings with nice friends. You have a life too.
Take care x

I agree !

I have a niece who I would like to see more often but have to accept that she prefers her other aunts over me, I feel no negativity towards her we all prefer some people over others it is just something that has to be accepted.

I think trying to hard, guilt tripping or complaining about the time spent with others is off putting and can result in no contact at all.

Agree totally with Chanel19 … seize back your own control & not be dumped upon. It’s just not acceptable
Start doing your own things to enjoy life. They may actually wake up to the fact that you DO have a life !

Like Allsorts said, Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
Very good advice. That means any contact is a bonus.
Keep your own interests going and don't even attempt to build your life around them. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
You will still love them and if they need anything they will contact you. But who wants to be a 'duty'?

Something has changed your family dynamics, but I cannot really judge whether it is your attitude or your daughter and son-in-law's attitudes that have changed.

One thing struck me, why do you let SIL challenge your opinions? Have you tried discussing what ever it is he challenges with him? Or asking him why, all of a sudden he feels the need to be so critical of anything you say?

Or ask your daughter whether you have inadvertently offended her husband, as everything you say now seems to be wrong?

Could he or they be picking up on your feelings of neglect and be wondering what that is all about?

Either you have to discuss the way you feel with them, including that you are increasingly feeling pushed aside, or you have to decide that your feelings are not justified, which they may well be, from what you say.

There is no satisfaction to be gained from continuing to be hurt, either do something to change matters, or accept this change however little you like it.

Try not to take it too much to heart. We are in EXACTLY the same situation. I could have written that email myself. We get on with our own lives knowing how busy they all are and are just happy that they are all sociable, busy and enjoying life. We don’t expect loads of attention and don’t get it but we do make sure they don’t have to feel guilty about us.

I only ever hear from my son when he needs a babysitter or a lift to work when his car is off the road. But as I love having the kids I make the best of it. I wouldn’t be doing their ironing though! Why on earth are you doing that? I would tell them you can’t do it due to back problems.

Sadly you are not alone. I have been a single parent since my daughter was 3 when my husband died 38 years ago. She had a baby nearly 8 years ago, I was over the moon, used to travel a long train journey every week to help her and rather than go back to work after maternity leave because the boy was a bit sickly with reflux I paid for their rent for 15 months. So for five years I had the pleasure of my grandson. They moved and bought a house to be closer to me, so from nearly 3 hours, only takes 12 minutes on the train. Covid struck, no face time like other families and gradually I just got phased out and last year I saw them 3 times. When i was invited for Christmas I polited declined as firstly, I suffer from a vax injury and secondly I had a poorly cat who was subsquently euthanised the day after boxing day. Then her partner wrote but you must come because its "family time". I am afraid I saw red and I very politely pointed out a few home truths in a long message. Now it seems I am a narcissist with mental health issues. That is quite funny actually as I am far too nervous to be a narcissist. So I have been totally cut off. I send presents to my grandson approximately every couple of months but no acknowledgment which is pretty rude and not a good example to a 7.5 year old. I have never interfered with them or said anything out of turn. Always was generous with money and affection and not wanting anything in return apart from the occasional message and a little affection. Not forthcoming and never will be now. So if you want to stay in favour, best keep your feelings to yourself or you will end up like me! I am 76, not well to the point now where I have paid for a pre cremation plan and appointed a friend as power of attorney just to be on the safe side.

"am afraid I saw red and I very politely pointed out a few home truths in a long message. Now it seems I am a narcissist with mental health issues. That is quite funny actually as I am far too nervous to be a narcissist. So I have been totally cut off. "

What was were those truths you communicated to them?
Being far too nervous to be narcissistic -
What do you mean by far too nervous?
No, that does not exclude you at all from being classified as one ( not saying you are one)

Getting cut off usually does not come out of the blue

I too wouldn’t be doing the ironing. What an awful way to use a grandparent. Invite them to lunch etc or maybe just turn up to them to see your grandchildren. Maybe go with them to pick children up. I’m also in a similar position. Never get an invite when it’s one of the grandchildren’s birthday as they’re always busy with “visitors” they know who to ask if they want money etc. I’ve been feeling used for years.

I felt that we lost touch with my son's children during lockdown, it was inevitable and now they are three years older and more independent anyway.
They're living about 40 minutes away and I'm nerving myself to start to drive there myself, it's a horrible journey involving the M3, M25 and a torturous route full of roundabouts and speeding commuters. Usually my husband drives but I think I'd see more of them if I drove myself sometimes.

So sad to read yet another post along these lines. I am in a very similar situation and im afraid due to reasons it would take to long to explain ive had to come to a vety hard decision which is i must now tell daughter and sil i can no longer take their terrible treatment to me. I used to be extremely close to daughter but the longer she is with sil the worse her behaviour has got. It now affects my mental health very badly so i have to walk away. My gd is 6 i love her deeply, i think of her constantly, i can not sleep but neither can i take the treatment from her parents. Please stop watering plants and ironing you are being used. I wish you all the best.

I could have written this! I run myself silly for my children and grandchildren but never do I ever get asked out with them or for a meal etc. They would find it difficult to work without my help also but that's the way it is sadly.

All you ‘used’ grandparents, just stop taking it! If you’re a doormat you get walked on.
Just do the things you want to do with the odd helping out moments.
Develop life with your friends, you’ll get more out of it.

I saw red because every six weeks my hairdresser, who has a really loving family, says to me, have you heard anything from your family. When it got to December, she said you know what, I bet you get an invited for Christmas but you can rot for the rest of the year and that is exactly what has happened.

I think it is my own fault as once my husband died, I overindulged her to try and compensate from losing her father. I was warned by a close friend but chose to ignore. She has always made me feel worthless most of her life but I just got on with it, giving more and more and as my father died just before my grandson was born, I was able to give them £20k and then a further £1k a month for their rent for over a year.

Sadly my daughter I dont think she is a deliberate liar but tends to think something and then it becomes a reality which in fact is a lie.

I feel very sad about my grandson and the friends who have known me for years think it is disgusting to not allow him to see me but to be honest, the last two years have been so stressful just sitting waiting for a message or a few crumbs thrown my way, it is a kind of relief.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others." If it weren't so untrue and insulting really, it would be funny.

I am a 76 year old with one son and two grandchildren. No husband, so on my own.
I have been through all this feeling sorry for myself and wanting more attention from the family.
So here’s the thing. Start a new chapter called ‘Your Own wonderful life!’
I go away for three months every winter, part working, part holiday.
I love my home, garden, go to the gym, have lots of friends and love my life.
Stop having expectations and don’t always be available to babysit etc.
You can’t change what they do, you can only change what you do!

This was us when our son was married. The dil's family always took priority over us. I understood at the time as they only lived across the road and were retired while hubby & I both worked full time, but also felt quite cross that our son didn't stand his ground. those grandchidlren are no 23, 21. 18 and 14 and lead they're own lives. We're close but accept that we know see them on their terms, even though we phone and text regularly. Our daughter & sil have 2 girls, 10 and 11 and both us and the other grandparents have had an equal share of them lol However they have a lot of after school/weekend activities so we have to fit in around those- We go to watch them playing footie/rugby/swimming, whatever we can. It's the way of the world I'm afraid and I'm deeply grateful for the time we've been able to have and any scraps we'll have in the future

No matter how much we try to be 'understanding' or 'take a back seat' or 'rise above' such stuff, the plain truth is that it bloody well hurts when you feel sidelined - particularly if there is little reason for it.

Can't offer any 'wise advice', but don't feel you have to 'get over it' and 'Gran-up'.

Sod it! Let the anger out, treat yourself to something very indulgent and perhaps ask them when you can bring YOUR ironing over.

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Feel for you since Covid nothing is the same in family life. I do school run once a week occasionally babysitting picking up from after school clubs .Live 15 minutes walk away .Other GP lives 45 min drive away has dinner with them every Thursday evening and they cannot miss Sunday lunch with her and extended family unless notified at least a month beforehand!.We do feel unwanted at times but our 2 DGDS love us and are thrilled to see us .( only 6 and 8 atm) But we do wish things were still like pre Covid we were so close

My lot are slightly different . My daughter ( 2 miles away) never visits me with the two grandkids…..or invites me to her house , we’ve not fallen out although her dad had to go into permanent care last year as my health no longer allowed me to look after him properly. I’ve had three strokes ( small ones and I’ve mostly recovered from them!) but my ex son in law who also lives 2 miles away and just one mile from my daughter always invites me to his house…to see my grandkids…pops in to see me and do little jobs if I need him to. They share custody of kids one week on and one week off …the kids are happy and blooming and a pleasure to be with . They flit from mums to dads at the drop of a hat …have sets of uniforms and books and toys( youngest) and musical instruments at both houses…I have to say the parents handled thier breakup with absolute honesty and care if the kids….my daughter is a child psychologist…which I suppose helps. But now my daughter doesn’t need my help with childminding and school pickups and takes I see nothing of them. I only see kids when my son in law has them. Weird !!

Well I wouldn’t be doing their ironing for a start, that’s really silly to do that, I understand you want to see your grandchildren and they are being quite hurtful towards you! I’d be asking them as to what’s changed, I wouldn’t be at their beck and call either when they snap their fingers! Sadly you can’t change what they want to do, you sound wonderful grandparents though.