Feeling neglected unless needed for babysitting

I looked after our granddaughter from 3 months old, I got covid and then long covid when she was 2, which made it impossible for me to look after her, they ended up having to pay for childcare and I haven't seen her since, they were very angry about the cost and inconvenience, she's now three and I'm heartbroken, my son has stopped all communication, I've sent cards and messages but had nothing in return, I feel so used. It was obvious they were just using me.

Ironing? You do their ironing? Let them do their own or pay some to do it. I iron very little now

SuzieHi, are the other grandparents the 'fun' ones, do you think? You say they holiday together. Have you tried to arrange that? Do you meet up for outings and activities? As they get older, they tend to be bored at 'grannies house'. If they were/are just using you - maybe it's high time to find your own interesting things to do.

You mentioned opinions being at odds. Have you considered keeping your opinions to yourself and just enjoying the time you have with your grandchildren? Many parents distance themselves because they get tired of unsolicited advice and the tension that accompanies such disagreements.

Also, is this babysitting abs ironing being requested? Or something you’ve freely offered to do?

Apologies as don’t want to take over the OP message/views .. but take comfort in knowing am not alone. Agreed it’s best left alone as too upsetting otherwise and spoils time with GC. Sometimes I feel my mistake is loving my D too much and maybe presumed the relationship would be the same as I had with my mother. I too have never eaten at their house nor been invited at Xmas though in laws do/have. Am not opinionated so that maybe came out wrong - it’s just that whatever I say he says the opposite even when a comment isn’t needed. It’s got to the point where my husband will no longer go down unless necessary for the children who he loves dearly. He did/does feel this too and once said ‘I thought we were good mates’ which made the situation worse. I do try to see good in everyone but there’s something wrong when I know DD ‘white’ lies to cover up his failings. Conclusion is def best left alone I think otherwise you’re tied up in knots.

SuzieHi, I really feel for you. I can relate to everything you said, you are not alone. All the best.

So many grandparents affected by selfish or uncaring adult offspring!

My neighbour has three children and 6 grandchildren on her side of the family. Her son and his wife have not had anything to do with her for about 10 years and she has tried and tried to keep contact going with no luck. He seems to think she is favouring his sisters and their kids over his family but one lives in the same village, the other half hour’s drive away while he is several hours away so she is able to help out at short notice.

She is a very kind, gentle person and would never cause arguments or favour any of her kids but he and his wife want nothing to do with her now and refuse all invitations to family events and she has not seen them for years which is very sad.

Such a lot of replies - thanks to everyone of you for taking the time and offering support or advice. Gransnet is so good when replies are
constructive and helpful.

We are not lacking in things to do at all- have busy lives ourselves and lots of hobbies, friends and holidays to keep us occupied. We don’t feel like doormats but at times feel sad that we’re not considered/ invited /respected more!

We’ll carry on ironing, watering and babysitting for them as this is contact/reason for us to call in for chats. I don’t mind those jobs at all, (not resentful) & contact will be even less if we stop.

Haven’t got a rift between us and DD- she’s just very busy- working, 3 children, home to run etc. Do think Covid broke our bonds. She does send me lots of flowers to say thank you for jobs.

The Gc do like coming to us - always plan fun things to do -cooking, craft, painting, park visits, cafe visits, reading, generally mucking about and playing games. We make it fun & they enjoy it all! Def not bored.

SIL can be contrary & challenges things we say - we find annoying, but DH is always up for a heated debate &SIL will concede if he’s wrong. He’s not a controller - just thoughtless. I don’t like the tension of heated discussions at family time but DH does need to challenge comments.

Times have changed…..

I don't understand

Op starts a thread because she feels neglected and used but willing to change nothing?

Perhaps because there's a fear that changing anything will result in even less contact Hithere, she has said "contact will be even less if we stop".

'Making do' with what's offered doesn't mean that you stop feeling sad and wishing things were better/different does it.

If a relationship is based on transactions, not on other values as love, friendship, appreciation - what's the point?

You volunteered to be used

Your son in law sounds like a narcissist and I fear your daughter is therefore in an abusive relationship be it coercive control or worse don't let him isolate her from you!

I know how you feel unfortunately. My husband passed away suddenly 2 1/2 years ago. I woke up Jan. 7, 2022 and he had died . I have no words. I lived 2 hours from my son and daughter and my daughter kept pushing for me to move nearer to them. On April 7th 2022 my first grandchild was born. I saw it as such a bright spot in what for me had become a very dark world. When the baby was born I was not allowed to be in the hospital waiting room and didn't meet my granddaughter for 2 weeks until I was invited. When I got to my daughters home to see her my SIL refused to speak to me. He sat about 15 feet away with a mask on, never took his eyes off me and even when I directly spoke to him he wouldn't utter a peep. This was 3 months to the day since my husband of 37 years died. My SIL was mad because I didn't get vaccinated. After that he actully complained that I wasn't as warm and fuzzy with him. He missed it! My daughter started pushing me to move closer and 2 months ago I did. I sold the house my husband and I shared in a small town and moved to a large city where I know no one or where anything is. I am 71 and it was a wrench. Now that I am here I don't see my only daughter for weeks at a time. In 2 months I have only been in their home when they needed a sitter, plus the SIL , who always goes home early from work, calls my daughter and mentions little things that I have done while sitting that he doesn't like! Today is Labor Day, my son is out of town (he and I have a great relationship), my daughter posted pictures of her family at a restaurant that is right near my house. Obviously Mom is only good for babysitting and certainly not for socializing. What the heck am I doing here?

@mh1953 - I'm so sorry you're so neglected by your daughter. It's very callous, bearing in mind you've made the huge effort to move near to them and done this completely alone.

I can only suggest you try and recreate a good life for yourself in your new area. Look up volunteering activities, maybe clubs for your age group, and things like that?

My mum always used to say no-one can hurt you like your own child - and I know what she meant, having been on the receiving end of a few slights from my own!!!!

Time for an honest and friendly chat with your daughter, telling her exactly what you have told us. There is no need to fall out with her, but it is something that needs a discussion.