Need Wisdom Regarding Time with Grandbaby

Aven

When my first grandchild was born I told my son and daughter in law that I was just at the end of the phone if they needed me, I left them to find their way. I later found my dils parents were there every day taking over. My son was so angry he stopped everyone visiting when they had their second. After a few weeks I got a call to go over to their house and I took my gd out in her pram! I then went back and did a huge washing for them, a mountain of ironing and made a couple of meals to keep them going. The other in laws got nothing!

Same here. Call me when your ready.

I wish I'd had the confidence to lay down a few rules for my in-laws when my DD was born. They insisted on visiting in the hospital, the day after the birth which had been quite difficult. I was in hospital for a few days then when I got home MiL visited for a day and spent the whole time holding her except when I was feeding her. I don't remember her offering to help in any way! She also declared her intention to see her at least every 6 weeks. They lived about 70 miles away so they were being quite demanding.

My own mother lived 200 miles away and had to wait to meet her GD until we visited her when GG was a few weeks old.

As time went on I did lay down the law a bit as they didn't seem to see that we had busy lives and visits were supposed to fit their schedule. They would expect us to drive to them for visits but if I suggested a Saturday I was told that that was when they went shopping! They were retired for heavens sake! I however had a major commitment at my church as the worship leader, so I said if it had to be Sunday they would have to come to us, and if they expected a roast dinner we would have to eat out! They eventually realised they had to comply as we had busy lives and we couldn't alter our schedules to suit their need to shop on a Saturday!
When MiL complained that she hadn't seen the children for weeks I had to point out that my own mum hadn't seen them for months!

My GS was born in 2020 during lockdown. DS and DiL were staying with her parents and DD and I were invited to visit after a week - the first possible time due to work commitments. Shortly afterwards DS moved to Germany when his son was less than 2 weeks old! I retired soon afterwards and when my GS's passport arrived I travelled with my DiL and GS to join him in Germany. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to help in that way and only disappointed to have my visit cut short by Germany going into lockdown and having to leave on the last flight out of their city. I'm grateful for all the time I get with my GC. There's a GD too now and they now live back in the UK but 200 miles away. I benefitted from bonus visits every time they came to the UK from Germany as, living near Heathrow, I could pick them up and allow them to isolate at my house while waiting for their test results! I'm grateful they haven't put major restrictions on my visits etc but being so far away gives its own restrictions. I also try not to be demanding like my in-laws were.

Whatever rules are in place the couple have to expect them to be complied with. I've been lucky that few have been forced on me and I'm grateful. Most of the restrictions I find are imposed by my GS who most of the time insists on Mummy doing everything. He will even refuse attention from his dad at times. My GD however is totally chilled and laid back so I enjoy lots of cuddles with her. Hopefully I'll get more time with GS when he gets over his present jealous phase!

I feel for you Gigi I have 8 grandchildren who I have loved and adored from birth but I never criticised anything their parents did or tried to take over but I was always there if I was needed. Now I have two great grandchildren and the first born who is now five was treated the same by me I have beautiful photos of nursing her, playing with her and I had so much pleasure and she’s a very lovable child, however the second one now that’s a different story I was allowed to hold him when he was a couple of weeks old and I do have a photo and I look terrified on it. I saw him once after that and I haven’t seen him since and he’s now 18 months old a little toddler and it breaks my heart. I hope as your baby grandchild gets older you will see more of her but young parents today are given so much conflicting advice I feel sorry for them they can’t do right for doing wrong I think you will just have to be patient. I wish you well.

Shelflife

Strict rules indeed, and I do find it odd. Perhaps they feel if they give you an inch you will take a mile!? My children are only too pleased for me to care for their children. Although I recognize that things may be very different with a DIL. Hang in there and the situation may improve, having said that I would have been very upset and cross if my AC had behaved that way. It would seem that MN has evidence of parents laying down strict rules for GPs. Will these parents be quite so firm when they need to go back to work or their child is sick and they have to work ? They can't have it both ways ! If they alienate GPs now they may regret it in the future when GPs lay down their own rules about when and how often they are able to care for their GC. Their rules they make initially could well backfire in the future -

I’m thinking along these lines too. The time will come when GPS are needed and then THEY get to call the shots.

I have never really thought of a visit to my daughters as being "allowed access ". But then I liked to see my daughters before they were mothers, not just when they had babies.

I’m so sorry. It seems to me that in todays world there are such extremes. I know a woman whose children did not tell her for a week that the baby had been born! And yet, guess what? She’s now the main childcarer. Grandparents can be way over the top too. Sitting in hospitals, demanding to be at the birth etc etc. I’ve had four children. Have had no inclination to change nappies. I don’t need an intense relationship with my grandchildren. Probably because I’ve had four children. I hope things settle down. I think your son is being a bit mean.

This is just the most ludicrous way to treat your parent(s) .
If this was me I’d tell ‘em where to shove their “thoroughly modern”ways.
This new Mum and Dad need therapy!
Definitely not normal or natural

Patience and keeping your lip buttoned will have benefits for you in time This too will pass and you're really more fortunate than many grandparents ENJOY that 10 mins a month

Been there, done that...so I sympathize completely. I kept my mouth shut but did ask my son when the babies became toddlers why were they visiting his in-laws so much more often than visiting me. He said " it's more important for the children to spend time with their cousins than with you". He is an only child. His wife has siblings with children. It was so, so hurtful to hear that. Now that the children are 5 and 3 they make their own 'rules' and tell their parents they prefer to come to visit me rather than spend time with their cousins. They demand it!! So be patient...the tide will turn!

Rather than take it personally just remember they are doing their best. Just because it's not what you did doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different.

The kissing thing is normal, my son is 1 and had the same advice. Yet my daughter who is a teen, I don't remember having the same advice with her.

If your DIL had an emergency C-section there's of course a story there and maybe 2 very anxious and over protective parents. Is she breastfeeding? How's her mental health?

Everyone is always wanting to get at the baby but there's never much or any thought of the brand new mom who's on an hormonal downer and all that comes with being postpartum. She will of course gravitate to her mom as it's her mom, who will want to be there for her not just the baby.

Your son sounds like a very supportive husband and doting dad.

Give them a minute. If you start an argument now about what you want, you won't win and will lose out.

I'm a doula (birth and postnatal). What the parents are doing here is a "babymoon" - they have decided to just focus on coping on their own for the first fortnight. It's a very good way of bonding and frankly I don't see why you should expect them to fit in with your ideas of what is right.
A new baby is getting used to so many sensations - they get overloaded very quickly and being passed from hand to hand around a ring of noisy relatives is the worst thing.
If the mum is breastfeeding then she need not be too worried about infections so I think the ban on touching the baby's skin is definitely overkill. But if they want to have meals delivered and just spend time BEING with their baby, fantastic.
Dry your eyes, blow your nose and accept that your baby has his own baby and its HIS and HERS not YOURS. You have the rest of your life to bond with this baby and I'll bet you anything, as soon as he/she is old enough to crawl around and get into trouble you will suddenly in demand!

From my experience of six grandkids, I would say, the more you let this hurt you ,the more devastating it will be to any future relationship you may have with this grandchild, or any other(s) that come along. They are the baby's parents. They decide what happens . You may not agree , and for the record, I think they are being ridiculous, but that is irrelevant. Its their kid, their rules ! A lot of new parents are very over anxious and , if your son is one of them , its clear to see where he gets it from! Please relax, let them get on with it and find interesting things to do in your own life. The less needy you seem , the less stress you will cause them and things are much more likely to work out in the end. Good luck with it x

GM of 7 here. Relax. They will be begging for help at some point. I am so lucky (even invited to be at the birth of first grandchild ) but have never assumed any right to see GC without invitation. I do think, if you can, that offering to cook/clean/shop is the best way forward! I also made it clear before any GC appeared that I was always available on the end of the phone 24/7 but was not planning to provide regular child care (I was still working full time) - I needed my independence and so would they - so neither family made any assumptions - it seems to have worked out so far - we all rub along!

I am exceedingly sorry you have been hurt by this list of rules and the way in which your son has formulated them, but his is what young parents, all over the world, are doing these days.

I don't know if midwives or pre-natal classes are handing out these suggestions or not, but I suspect they are.

Try to take a good step back - and acknowledge that some of the points make sense.

Not kissing a newborn baby makes sense, however much you may not care to admit it, so does not visiting if you have a cold which your son apparently did not mention.

Try to sort out the misunderstanding about a cot in your house: you were suggesting a cot as a suitably safe space for the baby to take a nap in, when he or she and the parents visit. Explain so. No-one expects an infant to be anywhere for any lenght of time without the parents.

If you cannot accept that rightly or wrongly this is indeed how you son and daughter-in-law's generation bring up their children, you are not likely to be allowed a closer relationship with the child or her parents.

Think back: were you honestly delighted when your mother or mother-in-law waded in and started doing things for your baby?

No, dear grandma, you were not! You wanted to scream at them to stop at once, but we were not brought up to do so.

Cut them some slack. Your grand-daughter is fourth months - it won't be long before her parents will be thrilled to hand her over for a while, so they can get some sleep or a night out.

Wonder at what age the parents woll allow the baby to be touched, spoken to by anyone other than themselves. No nursery, preschool, kindergarten or even interacting with the parents of other children. Definitely their baby, their child, their rules Just wait until they need urgent help with anything, wonder if the rules will apply then.

Give it time, all works out in the end, I remember my first grandchild came with a rule book, until I became childcare x

So sad. Unfortunately, young parents nowadays have some weird ideas. They don't seem to care that they are hurting others and, crucially, causing their own child/children to miss out on a normal life. I do hope they come to their senses before it is too late for your grandchild to enjoy time with you.

I was hugely protective of first child, though not to extreme you have said. It’s a massive life-change for new parents. Stay calm. It’s early days. Accept she will probably feel more relaxed with her own mother. It will get better.

I expect the new parents will relax in time OP. It won’t affect your future relationship with your granddaughter, bonding with a grandparent is not at all like bonding with her parents. Try to step back and let them enjoy all the early time with the little one, it flies, and they’ll welcome your presence in her life soon enough. There’s no point fretting over how different things were when you had your son, this is their time and you have to let them navigate it their way.

Treasure the photos meanwhile, and be ready to play when they’re ready to share their time with her!

My elder DD had a bad start with a premature baby so her paranoia was quite understandable. Seven years later she’s now a single parent and heavily reliant on me helping with my fabulous eldest grandchild.

My younger DD was rigid about no kissing, no touching baby’s hands or face, having me sit down while she placed baby in my arms… with the first one. When her second arrived a year later she’s completely different. I see them only every few months due to distance but at 2 1/2 and 14 months, the children know exactly who I am and we have a wonderful relationship - now when they need a babysitter it’s never a problem for me to look after them either at my house or theirs.

Let it develop without pressure, be happy they are doing their best, their way.

I’m with you 100%. My grandson is also 4 months old. I have seen him three times. They live an hour away. I’m retired and have all the time in the world, but every visit has to be scheduled a month in advance. This is my son’s child. I know for a fact that they go to the other granny and stay there, but they don’t want to come to me for more than a 2-hour visit. I also thought I would be involved with my grandchild, helping out, holding him and singing lullabies. Seems I’m only allowed to hold him for photo opportunities for ten minutes. I’m just so hurt. I’m a widow, this baby will never know his Grandpa and I hoped he would remember his Grandma, seems not.

Nowadays we know that it is beneficial for a baby who is not being breastfed to be fed by as few people as possible, ideally just Mum and Dad. Parents need to be able to trust that others will follow the requests that the parents give, if grandparents make a fuss about doing what they are asked then the parents cannot trust that they will do what they are asked in future. I work with mums and their new babies and something that many say is stressful and upsetting is grandparents and others disregarding what they are asked to do, criticizing them when the recommendations have changed and the parents are following more up to date information. For example urging supplementary foods before the recommended 6 months, trying to keep them to a schedule or trying to get the baby to finish a bottle etc.
You had your time with your own baby, it's time for them to have their time with their baby

twiglet77

I expect the new parents will relax in time OP. It won’t affect your future relationship with your granddaughter, bonding with a grandparent is not at all like bonding with her parents. Try to step back and let them enjoy all the early time with the little one, it flies, and they’ll welcome your presence in her life soon enough. There’s no point fretting over how different things were when you had your son, this is their time and you have to let them navigate it their way.

Treasure the photos meanwhile, and be ready to play when they’re ready to share their time with her!

My elder DD had a bad start with a premature baby so her paranoia was quite understandable. Seven years later she’s now a single parent and heavily reliant on me helping with my fabulous eldest grandchild.

My younger DD was rigid about no kissing, no touching baby’s hands or face, having me sit down while she placed baby in my arms… with the first one. When her second arrived a year later she’s completely different. I see them only every few months due to distance but at 2 1/2 and 14 months, the children know exactly who I am and we have a wonderful relationship - now when they need a babysitter it’s never a problem for me to look after them either at my house or theirs.

Let it develop without pressure, be happy they are doing their best, their way.

I agree with this and all the similar comments. It does sound disappointing, but the new parents are likely to relax in time. I’d just go along with what they say and offer help with housework. Things are likely to change.

I can understand that you feel hurt and wish that things were different, but if you try to push your wishes in front of the parents, you are only likely to get even less contact , or very rigid rules carrying on. They have to find their way of this major change in their lives, and actually the rigid rules speak to me of their uncertaintly as new parents trying to do the best for their child yet feeling vunerable and worried. The internet can be very helpful but also can give them even more things to worry about . Some things that we did not know about in the past meant that we didnt worry about them. With the covid situation and so much changing of rules and also not being sure who or what to believe with this load of idiots who changed the rules as they went along and were not to be trusted. If you see the parents ideas as partly them pulling up a drawbridge and trying to defent their child from all sorts of problems that they know about and the more worrying ones that they dont know about. So even though it is hard, trying not to complain or moan about their behaviour and being more accepting of their rules however stupid or upsetting they seem to you, will pay you dividends in the end. The more they see you fitting in with their ways the more they are likely to relax and be able to allow you to be more involved in the babys life. In the meantime, perhaps you could do a few things for the future. I always got 2 papers of the day the baby was born. Or in actual fact 4 papers. I got a broadsheet so The independant or Guardian or Yorkshire Post, and the local paper which in this area was the Darlington and Stockton times. So one set are given to the parents now and the other set are kept carefully to be produced at the 18th birthday party. I have been to several 18th, where they have enjoyed seeing what happened on the day they were born, had a few laughs at how things had changed and enjoyed seeing what was still around locally. You could also perhaps think of making a family tree. This would give you an interest that may lead you to interesting discoveries about your families history. But it may also be a great time to have a go at something you have wanted to do in the past but not had the time when you family was growing up. This is not meant to be instead of being with your grandaughter , but having your own life and interests will help you not to dwell on what you feel is missing, may lead you to new friendships and you will be a more interesting granny as she grows and you are more likely to have more contact with her. You never know what the future brings, but making your own life as interesting as possible will make you a happier and more relaxed person and hopefully this will show and they will feel more relaxed with you in the future. wishing you the best of luck

Ok so this isn't a hard one to comment on.

While I understand that you have raised your own children and did things differently, I expect this was a long time ago and you do have to accept that this is not your child and you do not get a say in parenting decisions.

I remember having my own child and MIL INSISTED in her granddaughter being brought to meet her the day after birth as we wanted to bond with our child as new parents in the hospital. I got discharged at 10pm and HAD to be at hers by 10am ... she insisted in 'hogging' the baby for the entire visit and was completely overbearing, visiting constantly and directly resulting in me getting post-natal depression. She ruined my post natal experience and bonding time with my new baby. I swore it would never happen again.

You have clearly raised an independent man (well done) and they do say, "A son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of their life"

He's advocating for his nuclear family and you should be proud of that. Your son is not trying to 'add' members to your family, he's creating his own family separate from you and you then become extended family.

Previously mothers have relied on the experience of family (and older generations) to pass down the skills of parenthood but now things have changed dramatically.

Now there is widespread access via the internet to medical professionals who have performed YEARS of studies into safe parenting practices and child development. For example, you're hurt over kissing (this is a rule I had in place myself) yet oral herpes simplex can be carried by an adult with absolutely no symptoms and passed to a baby - this can be fatal to newborns, is it really worth the risk? To put a baby at risk in such a way AND to give the parents anxiety at that potential risk for the sake of a kiss is nothing short of selfish.

I've also lost count of the times that people say "Baby needs to build up an immune system" .... that will happen naturally without purposely putting the baby at risk.

Also, bear in mind that your advice is potentially just not wanted. I don't mean to sound harsh when I say that but his wife has likely grown with her own mother, they share a lifetime of memories together, she has wiped her tears and been her biggest cheerleader and there will be years of trust between them - it would make sense that she would go to her own mother for advice before you, in the same way that your son is likely to go to his own dad for advice before her father.

You seem to see their approach as obstructive but your primary focus should not be your grandchild and instead, supporting the parents and respecting their boundaries. To push back and be obstructive creates mistrust and won't gain you additional access or the relationship with your grandchild that you desire.

Grandparents often want to 'bond' with their grandchildren but initially babies only bond with parents, a baby only realised they are physically separate from their mother after about 9 months of age. There is definitely a place for grandparent/grandchild bonding but that comes a bit later, not in infancy. Babies look for their mothers smell as a source of comfort and safety so that should be supported, not seen as a personal attack because you want to hold baby more.

Being a grandparent is a privilege and you have the potential to build an amazing relationship with your grandchild - instead of focusing on your hurt, focus on what is best for baby at this developmental stage (actually research it) and also what is best for the new parents.

There's a good article that you should read...

www.scarymommy.com/hold-boundaries-babys-grandparents

Hithere "Why would you change her diaper? Give her a bottle, push her stroller?

Those are usually parents' tasks"

And often, grandparent tasks! I have 3 GC, and have bathed them, changed them, given them their bottles, fed them, and every other "task" a parent would do. And I've done that from the moment they were born. As have their other GMs! So no, these are not just "parent" tasks.