DIL Pushing Me Away

I have just read that your son was buried with his father.
That was indeed a kindness by your daughter-in-law.

I would not read anything into staying in a hotel. It is easier for some of us than staying with family - especially when we are emotionally exhausted.
How nice of her to include you fully in the preparations though. I think she is probably a kind woman in terrible pain. She was chosen by your son - and was his love. That alone speaks well of her.

Make your own life OP and get a job so that you can manage your finances. You have driven a great big wedge between you and your generous dil.

She should move close to her own family, you are not behaving like a loving mil. You are needy and entitled, sorry for your losses but don`t put such a guilt burden onto your dil. You are in great danger of never again seeing your grandchild

The ball is in your court, back off

so really, if I was you, I think I would face my fears and do a course with one of the airlines so that you can get over it and continue to see your grandchild.

Yes, I really think the course is a good idea.

Here's one:
m.fearofflying.com/#:~:text=The%20SOAR%20Guaranteed%20Program%20includes,will%20receive%20a%20full%20refund.

grannys123

Callistemon21 They live a 7 hour drive. We buried my son next to his father, I expected DIL and my grandson to stay at my house while we made the preparations, but she chose to stay at a hotel

At the risk of pointing to the obvious, you expected dil staying with you, dil made her choice of a hotel. Hotels have been invented as a place to stay, not all believe in staying with others, I don't.

grannys123

Wow, some of you are cruel. I was not trying to be controlling, rather supportive and to let her know I am here if she needs me. I cant lose my grandson too. I agree I was wrong to yell at her, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t tell me she was selling their house! For context, She should stay where they are, if she moves back home they will have a smaller house and smaller yard for my grandson, it’s a lower cost of living where they are now and my grandson is happy there. DIL also asked her brother who is a pilot to fly me monthly to them but I am terrified of flying and can’t afford a 10 hour drive + hotels to see him. I feel it’s just a cruel, empty offer she knows I won’t take. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move in since she knows my circumstances and her family can probably afford it since they do it now anyways.

To answer some questions::

-yes my son was helping me with some monthly expenses. DIL wrote me a check for the rest of the year and told me there was no more after that

I understand she’s upset but I can’t help but feel she is taking it out on my relationship with my grandson.

No one here is deliberately or even knowingly cruel. We’ve all empathised with your terrible loss, but your expectations of your DIL are way way over the top.

I truly hope you find peace.

I’m truly appalled at your expectations and attitude towards your DIL.

You are BOTH grieving.

I think it’s very good of her to have written you a cheque to cover some of your bills, I don’t understand why you expected her to do this or why your sone was paying some of your bills? Were you babysitting or caring for your grandson?

Please, make your peace with her and try and build a new relationship with them both moving forward.

Good luck to all of you

Wow, some of you are cruel.

🤔

I hope this isn't another one of those threads.

I’m sorry you have lost your son, no parent should outlive their child. But your DIL and her child are also bereaved, and they too have to face a long future without him.

It’s astonishing that you asked her to share his life assurance with you. It’s to help support the bereaved spouse and child, not the parent of the deceased adult. Your DIL is entirely able to make her own choices as she navigates a future without her husband, it’s not your place to push her into joining your church (and at a time like this, any religion is possibly the very last thing she wants rammed at her - and if it is of comfort, she will seek it herself). You are trying to exercise control when it’s absolutely not up to you to manage her choices. Be kind and stay friendly, but look at your own behaviour and perhaps you’ll see why she is putting barriers up.

Gummie

I think that you run a very real risk of completely alienating your DiL and rarely if ever seeing your Grand Child again.

I think that bridge was burnt a long time ago. If I was the daughter in law 7 hrs away would be too close.

It sounds as though the dil is not only unbelievably generous, she has the patience of a saint.

I think this OP is in the States.. and maybe they look at financial insurance differently.. but I think she has lost her DIL by her lack of empathy...

How very sad. I am sorry your son has died.
But I think you maybe did the wrong thing in your request for a share of the insurance payout and to have them move in with you.
You need to support in the way she needs and wishes. Back her up, tell her you will support her in her decisions. She must do what us best for her.
Then, aside from that, you need to work out how you are going to continue a relationship with your grandson. It is clear she is willing to facilitate this so go with her offers. And show your gratitude for them.
Anything else will result in you completely losing contact with your GS.
Take a deep breath and start again.

It's very sad, and probably too early for you to feel up to much, but you have to go through this, alone.

There is no way past or around it, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Your daughter in law has been very fair, I think - it isn't her job to shoulder responsibility for you.

I do hope you can start to feel a little bit better, at least, then you might realise that your wishes are unrealistic.

It's one of the hardest things, to realise that life, and people, have their own plans and aspirations.

Why on earth would your daughter in law want to move in with you? American and British culture is very similar and multi generational homes (in laws, mil and grandchildren all under one roof) is usually considered highly undesirable and is often a recipe for disaster.

I have never in my life heard of someone asking to split life insurance. Is this a thing in the States? It would be considered outrageous in the UK.

Daughters gravitate towards their own mothers in times of sadness and distress. It is usually the natural order of things and there is nothing you can do about it.

You say her family are financially very well off so I don't think she needs to concern herself with cheaper house prices or a lower cost of living in your area. The way you say "she should stay where she is" sounds confrontational and controlling.

You turned up at her door unannounced. That was a bad move. Then you shouted at her. That was an even worse move.

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, I truly truly am. But you are driving your daughter in law further away with a series of over bearing and desperate actions.

Germanshepherdsmum

Oh dear. Your second post makes things even worse.

It’s not for you to say your daughter in law should stay where she is and decide what sort of house she will buy - she has the insurance money, she works and her parents are well off (which I think grates on you). You were receiving money from your son and your daughter in law has very generously given you a cheque for the rest of the year’s payments. She didn’t have to do that.

You say ‘I understand she’s upset’ - that’s a bit of an understatement for a woman who has been widowed. This seems to be all about what you want and I think the ‘she knows my circumstances’ comment underlines how upset you are about the payments coming to an end. Take up the very kind offer of flying - if you want to see your grandson you’ll get over your fear of flying.

Entirely agree. I am so sorry for your loss. Truly. But you are , in your grief perhaps, so wildly out of line. Your dil has been widowed. Of course in those early days of shock and loss she didn’t want to send her child away so you could get a visit. Of course sylhet needed to be together. Your grandson has lost his father. They 1000% deserve to do whatever it is she sees fit to move on with her life . Moving closer to her family makes perfect sense , selling the home she shared with your son? Perhaps livign there without him is too much a burden to bear. Perhaps she’s decided she and her child need a fresh new start. So move it is. ALL OF THIS is entirely her right . She didn’t need to consult you because these aren’t decisions you should have any say in. Asking her to split the life insurance ?’ I’m flabbergasted. Surely your son set her up ans the beneficiary so it would continue t support and help her and their child. And frankly she deserves a smile and a nod for continuing to speak to you, many would have stopped. how incredibly out of line. She wrote you a check for the monthly payment for the remainder of the year. Again how generous it shows her to be - she didn’t have to.

You need to stop centering yourself here as the primary focus and get your head straight. Perhaps it’s just the enormity of your loss that’s got you off cue. But your dil is being incredibly generous offering her brother to FLY you to visit - and often at that . Take that offer up. But recognize fully first that this iS HER life now as a single widowed mother. And that she has every right to do the things she’s done to begin to rebuild her life for herself and her child.

grannys123

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

In regards to your DIL you are pushing her away with your behaviour

Whether that is unconscious on your part and this is your grief manifesting or whether you think the way you are behaving is right... You are pushing her away.

There are logical reasons why each thing you shared with us is entirely reasonable on her part.

Please take a step back and understand that both of you are grieving in entirely different ways and that this loss cannot dictate her future in any way. She has to move forward into the life of her choosing. You can be a supportive role in her putting her life back together or she will stop looking to you for anything.

I too am very very sorry for the loss of your son I can’t imagine how bad you are feeling
But
The rest of your post is really pretty awful and unbelievable how can you expect your daughter in law to give you money and to stay with you and not her own family I am afraid your behaviour will send her even further away
I m finding this quite unbelievable to be honest

While my heart goes out to you for losing your son you are coming across as very entitled and controlling I think it was lovely of your DIL to give you a lump sum , but as far as everything else your daughter in law has lost a husband and her son lost his daddy. And of course your DIL and her little boy come first surely you do t really expect any different. She’s trying to make a new life for her self and her little boy goodness knows that’s got to be difficult when grieving. This seems to be all about you and what you want.just think about what you are asking of this poor lady if you don’t calm down a bit with you’re expectations you could lose her and your grandson. It’s not about you

I’m very sorry for your loss.

Your DIL is dealing not only with her own grief, but her son’s as well. She can’t take care of you on top of that. Your expectations aren’t her responsibility. She has to do what is best for her and her child.

She has been very kind, imo. Travelled to have a funeral to ensure he was laid to rest beside his father would’ve been a HUGE stress for her and her son. Giving you a lump sum for your expenses and notice well in advance that it won’t be continuing.

AND talked to her brother about flying you for free?!

Your DIL has done an incredible amount to try and make things work for you. That you’re mad she didn’t give MORE money is jaw dropping. That she isn’t uprooting her life even more to please you.

Have you ever heard the saying, “When nothing is good enough, nothing it shall be”? You’re setting yourself up for it.

Looks like both our advice and comments are falling on deaf ears.

I think maybe it’s far too early in your grieving to be rational. Take a deep breath and a step back and give both yourself and your poor DIL time to reset and sort out your new lives.

Your son and your DIL both sound like kind generous people, but there’s really no need for her to ever give you any money again, after all she’s lost a large proportion of her family income and has to make a new life for her and her son.

is this a reversal, or something ??

How anyone could be as tone deaf as you asking DIL to split the life insurance is shocking.
That money is to make sure that the life of your grandson and Dil is at least financially comfortable.
Re her moving to near her family is also no surprise.
I'd be surprised if she is not blocking you on all ways.
Yes you are grandmother but whether you are a birth family or in-law you tread carefully.

Think if it had been Dil who had died would you be asking your son for half the insurance money.

As it is very rare for posters to agree on anything, perhaps heed the advice you've received? It seems you're playing a game of "entitled to what I want estrangement Bingo" a classic "you won't win" scenario.

As flappergirl points out - American and British culture have the same roots - but perhaps you aren't "American/British"? I don't want to sound racist but you sound a bit East European in expecting the dil to leave her own clan and join totally with her husband's. The kind of society where the husband's family take the son's wife into their family/tribe and care for her totally when she is bereaved. Is this why you think she should live with you?
Then you've gone the next step and expected her to support you in your neediness.
I'm trying to understand your way of looking at the situation, and why you should think this girl should take care of your future finances, and that she should do this by moving into your home and joining your church.
If she moves back to be near her own parents - how far from you will she be?

The above comments speak volumes but I'll give my own experience here.
We lost my brother many years ago, His wife loved him very much but after his death all I heard about her was nasty remarks from my own family, including my mother.
Recently his widow died herself and I was shocked again at what nasty things some in my family said about her and why they would not attend her funeral.
They accused her of 'holding' on to my brother's possessions (some of which became legendary!) and I thought they were very unkind.
I did attend the funeral and was very moved by how well her family spoke about my late brother, how much she missed him, what an impact he had made on their lives etc. I felt ashamed of my family members that they had destroyed this woman's reputation unnecessarily.
Now her ashes will be interred with my brother's remains and I have no doubt remarks will be made about the gravestone, and flowers left etc.
Her son (by her previous marriage) has now contacted the family to say any of my brother's (legendary) possessions will now be handed back to my family as they are clearing the house.
I suppose I just wanted to say that my brother's widow was treated very unfairly by my own family (including my mother) and that all the nasty things I heard about her were completely untrue. She loved and missed my brother right until the end of her life, and now they are finally reunited again, I hope.
Some people should be ashamed of how they treat the people who loved their own flesh and blood. Reading this has made me feel very sad.

I am sorry for your loss. It must be very hard.

But please stop trying to destroy your relationship with your dil and grandson.