DIL Pushing Me Away

Get the money from somewhere, and do the therapy.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but don't let it distort your thinking. Your DIL is grieving and has a young child to deal with. And asking for a share of the insurance money was utterly wrong.
Please step back , ,- it seems like you must now anyway,- and let things settle down. Then hopefully you can accept any forthcoming offers of contact with your grandson with grace and dignity.
I do understand how very important that contact is to you and I do hope it all works out ok eventually.

Well OP. You and only you had brought this upon yourself. I feel very relieved that you DIL has gone the legal route. After much kindness and consideration at a time she should not have had to address she is now protecting herself and little boy from the toxic situation you have created.

Cruel. You have invited these many reactions by your totally unreasonable behaviour. Frankly you are owed no sympathy, you have negated any of that through your own despicable actions. Grief is not an excuse for all this. I am surprised at how angry I feel on your DILs behalf. She must be a saint.

First of all, I can’t imagine how lonely you must be feeling. To lose both your husband and son in such a short space of time is devastating.
Are you struggling financially? Can you maybe sell your house and downsize to something more affordable?
I think you know that you were wrong to ask for half of the policy money and to expect you dil to move in with you. It must be daunting trying to get your life back on track after all the trauma, but have you really given any thought to how your dil is feeling. She too has lost her beloved husband and her little one his daddy. She’s made her feelings quite clear to you now and I suggest you try now to make a life for yourself. Leave them to do their own grieving. She will have her own family to support her through this difficult time.
As other grans have suggested, there are people who you can talk to at very little cost. Do you have any kind of social life and friends who you can talk to?
Do NOT give your dil any more grief. It will only end in more heartache for you. 💐

I’m sorry for anyone losing their husband and son, it’s too much. Think the poster knows she was wrong on many counts and if she doesn’t make peace with her dil she will lose them both. She has lost her husband but you don’t seem to realise how awful that must be for her and your grandson, how could you expect her to fund your life, downsize or move to an area you can afford. It’s not her fault you won’t fly to see them, overcome that fear or get used to being on your own. It will be many years before your grandson can come to you. You will have to face time him and get used to modern technology. It’s obvious she want to be with her family.

I've watched this thread from the beginning and I've read and re-read the OP several times, as well as reading all the replies.

First, and of course this goes without saying, is that like everyone, I'm so sorry for the two losses the OP is having to deal with. No parent should ever outlive their child and her grief must seem overwhelming.

I did, like others, wonder if perhaps her grief was overshadowing her in a way that skewed her rational thinking in some way, as I was surprised that anyone could be so, well....tone deaf to the whole situation.

The OP says that she took time off work and drove down but on opening the door her DIL told her she was "out of line". This is all quite telling.

Did she actually tell her DIL she was driving the 7 hours? Because if she did then it was surely at that time that her DIL would have expressed how she felt, rather than allowing her MiL to drive 7 hours and then tell her?

It also tells us that the OP has an income of her own, can drive, and that the income is enough to support the costs of running a car. She also is confident enough to do a 7 hour drive, and then the return trip.

I do wonder if maybe there is more of a "back story" here.

Sadly, the OP comes over as needy and controlling, and possibly jealous of the girl who took her son away, along with her "more well-off" family. If this is, and has always been the case, it may be the the DIL tolerated her MIL for the sake of her husband and son, but now sees this tragic situation as her way out of a toxic relationship? It would be helpful to know if there was any tension in the relationship prior to their mutual loss.

The good thing about taking to a forum for advice is that you usually get it, but it's generally honest as we don't know each other and we are all several steps back from the centre of the problem. The bad thing is that you very often get told what you don't want to hear.

Some people post their problems on a forum to try and get their own solution, or feelings, validated by others. We can see by the strength of the reactions on here that the OP is never going to get close to anyone agreeing with her actions and must accept that she has crossed a line that, unless she understands that her own behaviour has to drastically change, she may never be able to cross back over again.

I truly do wish her well and hope she takes some of the wise advise given.

Only 4 short days from the first post to legal representation!
You must be devastated! What can you do now? Lets be practical.
Its not very clear just what your financial circumstances are - you've been 'helped' by your son because you were in difficulties after being ill. You've been paid up to the end of the year - but what then?
You do have a job however - can you get more hours to make up the deficit?
You have a big house - can it be sold so you can live more economically? In the UK you can get equity release on your home, so you could raise some cash to get counselling. Is there anything similar in the USA.
Religion is obviously important to you - do you have a priest you can talk to? Perhaps he could mediate with your dil and arrange some visits? (but do use a hotel, don't expect her to put you up and feed you).
Please don't sit and mope, the feelings will only fester and get worse - do go out and help yourself to get over this.
Are there branches of Samaritans in the US?
It seems you are now banned from seeing your grandchild and this is heartbreaking. Only you can help yourself now, get some help from somewhere.

You are making DIL’s loss so much harder.
It sounds like she’s been very considerate to you. Write and apologise for being so angry and demanding. She probably stayed in a hotel over the funeral time as she found your approach suffocating.
Make sure you thank her for the money she’s sent you, and don’t ask for any more. You are risking losing both of them.
Obviously you are feeling loss and grief too but try and step back.
Make sure you send your grandson presents and cards on his birthdays and Xmas and maybe some little treat once a month. FaceTime every couple of weeks would keep you in touch with him too.

grannys123

I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson, including supervised visitation once therapy is completed. I cannot understand supervised visits, I’m not a threat to my grandson. I attempted to reach her many times prior to this letter and pleaded to her mother for updates but was met with no response. She is demanding therapy, but I don’t have extra for that so, like the flying, just another way to look good while knowing it won’t happen. I had a great relationship with my MIL while my son grew up so I didn’t find my request to have them refurbish their part of the home and stay with my unreasonable as many of you have mentioned. My DIL has never seemed to embrace me the way I embraced my ILS.

To answer some more questions::
1. My son was helping me back on my feet while I recovered from surgery
2. My husband passed last June
3. My son passed in March
4. My grandson is 3.5

I’m sorry for your losses, it must be all consuming.💐

But, as you’ve been widowed, you need to try and put yourself in DILs position, she has been widowed at a young age, with a very young child to think about.

She must feel that her entire world has come crashing down. You need to give her a break.

The early stages of widowhood are devastating, as you know, and the last thing anyone needs is someone making demands.

Her staying in a hotel is quite normal - I couldn’t cope with people around a lot. I needed space to grieve.

She needs insurance to protect the future of her and your GS. It’s not your money.

Not all in-law relationships are the same.

I’m sorry she’s felt the need to go down the legal route, but you need to back off, grieve your losses, and give her space.

In time, it might be that you can resurrect a good relationship with her.

I mean this post kindly, but you do need to look at it realistically.

Again, sorry for your losses.💐

You’ve tried to demand your dil do as you wish, you’ve forgotten in your own grief that she lost her husband, her life partner, the father of her child, a child she now has to raise without a father. Her whole future and her child’s has change far beyond anything she ever imagined in the worst way possible, too add to that she has a mil demanding to stay at her house, more contact with a child wondering where daddy is. Who’s mad when she sells the house to move back to her support network.

No parent should have to outlive their child, no toddler should suffer the death of a parent.

The fact you brought up money leaves a very very sour taste, you wanted half of his life insurance policy that’s crazy. That’s to raise his child. He was already helping pay your bills and your dil has written you the amount for the rest of this year.

You’ve harassed her and her family.
Get therapy or lose them forever.
You seem to have plenty of excuses and no answered other than you way or they are mean.

This thread is very similar to at least two others on here.