DIL Pushing Me Away

grannys123

Callistemon21 They live a 7 hour drive. We buried my son next to his father, I expected DIL and my grandson to stay at my house while we made the preparations, but she chose to stay at a hotel

As was her right. Perhaps she wanted some small amount of privacy for herself and her son in the middle of such a devastating loss. Perhaps also dealing with your grief 24/7 in those early days of shock and horror were too much to bare. This is a strange and nit picky thing to get caught up on your loss was incredible but it seems to have blinded you to hers

I’m sorry for your loss - but I understand why the insurance money is for her and her son.

She has to move on, doing what she feels best.

She’s just lost her partner, and I know, from experience, how that feels.

Take any pressure off and just be there.💐

A loss of a child is horrendous, my sympathies. But regardless of you saying you’re being supportive you aren’t, you’re being controlling.
Asking for some of your son’s insurance is way out of line. She’s given you enough money to cover the rest of what your son would have given you for the year. She was under no obligation to do so.
Her brother will fly you. You’ re afraid of flying then take a course or get medication from your doctor to help and fly to see your grandson.
DILhas lost her life partner and her son his dad. She needs her family right now. You are being overbearing at what is an awful time for all of you. Stop. Before you damage this relationship for good. Write to her, apologise for overstepping, say how afraid you are you will lose contact not just with your grandson but her too. Ask if you can FaceTime once a week to keep up with their news once they’ve moved. You can repair this if you take a deep breath and stop to think before you speak with her.

I am so sorry for your loss and understand how you are feeling , however it is a sad fact the mother of a son is on thinner ground than mother of a daughter , it’s just a fact of life.
I do think you were cruel to ask for money she probably doesn’t have an idea of what on earth she is going to do and will still be sorting things out.
I would suggest you apologise and say you didn’t mean to yell and you were just frightened about the lack of money with your son dying , but with her giving you a lump sum you have time to plan , tell her your home is always there for her and your grandson and just let HER grieve and take some time for yourself to come to terms with everything that has happened .i hope you find some peace

So very hard for both you and your DIL to come to terms with and you are turning on each other through the overriding emotion of grief.
She has made her decision to leave her current home maybe because it holds too many memories and to be near her own family. Usually, a girl will choose her own family in times of crisis.
Sadly, I think you will have to let this one go and wait for the dust to settle.
She is choosing to start a new life in the way she feels is best for her and her son.

Let her make her own choices without any pressure. She is unlikely to change her mind. It will be hard but in time, hopefully the grief will ease a little and communication can resume without animosity.
Maybe pen a conciliatory letter where you can wish her well in her choice of new home and add an apology for the tension caused purely from grief.

This will hopefully bring you together in time.

Yes, indeed, as AuntieTrouble and others say - you can repair this.
Write, apologise, start afresh.

Good luck.

So sorry to hear of your loss. You and your DIL are both devastated and when we are grieving we don't think clearly. I think you believe you are trying to help, but it does sound as if you are trying to control, and panicking about your grandson. Sadly, we have absolutely no control of our grandchildren, or for that matter our children, beyond a certain age, and we just have to learn to let go and build a life for ourselves. I understand this is all incredibly painful for you, but maybe you need to look outside your family for fulfilment. It is emotionally dangerous to become too dependent on grandchildren. I have learned that and although I have a full life anyway, I have detached more since there was a nasty falling out. Of course I adore my grandchildren, but I can live without them and I look elsewhere for meaning to my life. I hope you can do the same - and lots of love to you.

Is this a wind up? I can't believe anyone would behave like the OP. It's like something out of thrGilmore Girls. There's a script in this. I am imagining doing this if I were in the same situation. My DDIL is wonderful and we have a great relationship. But I would no more ask her for money or to uproot and move in with me than fly to the moon. I know she would go to to be nearer to her mother, wouldn't expect it otherwise.

We're I to behave like O P I am sure I would be shut out of her and DGDs lives. Quite right too. She wouldn't need a mother in law like that especially ar such a tragic time.

grannys123

Wow, some of you are cruel. I was not trying to be controlling, rather supportive and to let her know I am here if she needs me. I cant lose my grandson too. I agree I was wrong to yell at her, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t tell me she was selling their house! For context, She should stay where they are, if she moves back home they will have a smaller house and smaller yard for my grandson, it’s a lower cost of living where they are now and my grandson is happy there. DIL also asked her brother who is a pilot to fly me monthly to them but I am terrified of flying and can’t afford a 10 hour drive + hotels to see him. I feel it’s just a cruel, empty offer she knows I won’t take. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move in since she knows my circumstances and her family can probably afford it since they do it now anyways.

To answer some questions::

-yes my son was helping me with some monthly expenses. DIL wrote me a check for the rest of the year and told me there was no more after that

I understand she’s upset but I can’t help but feel she is taking it out on my relationship with my grandson.

None of the posters are cruel they are. being realistic. and honest. You had no right whatsoever to ask your bereaved DIL for money, not to be honest to accept the cheque from her for the rest of year, she has been extremely generous to you and you should be very, very grateful.
You don't like flying so you had better get used to flying if you wish to see your grandson, but to be honest if you carry on behaving like you are at present your lovely DFIL will definitely go no contact. Be careful is my advice to you. You are hurting I understand that, but you are also being totally out of order. I am sorry for your loss, I too have lost a son, so understand your grief, but this does not entitle you to set demands on another bereaved family member who is trying to hold it all together for your grandson. You sound extremely jealous of your DIL's family and the fact that they appear to be better off than you. That is none of your business whatsoever, just be happy your grandson will be well cared for, that is what should matter to you more than anything else. I hope when you have finished reading all the comments on here you will realise quite how badly you are behaving. Read your own last paragraph please. You write she is "upset". yet you are deeply bereaved. You are so in to your own feelings you appear to have no emphasis for anyone else.

This is the first thread I’ve actually read where all the posters of gransnet agree with each other

Your daughter in law has tried to arrange flights for you to visit via her brother! She has given you money to help you out for the rest of the year! IMO she's gone above and beyond especially considering your actions.
You are grieving but so is she. She's lost her husband and the father of her son and also presumably an extra income. Her whole life and that of her son has changed. She has to do what's best for her and her son and being with her own family is what she wants and needs right now. Hard though it is to bear you have no rights over your grandson and, if you carry on in this fashion, then it can only make any relationship with DIL and GS more difficult in the future.

Wow - If I had not read the initial letter myself, I don't think I would have believed any of it!!! Still can't understand how anyone could even think of asking for a share of any insurance money.😱Nought as strange as folk!!

You took the words right out of my mouth HevenLeigh. It’s the first time, as far as I can recall that there is total agreement.
Everyone is clearly sorry for your loss but shocked by your expectations. Put yourself in your DIL shoes. Had this happen to you,& you were the widowed mother of a small dependent child and your MIL had behaved as you have done, what would your response have been? Would you have split the money? Would you have moved in with her? Be honest please. Looking at it this way may just allow you to see why everyone has responded to you in the same way.
I wish you well and really hope that you are able to take the good advice already given to you, namely a written letter of apology and hopefully you can then have a future which includes contact with your DIL & DGS.

I can understand how sad you feel at losing your son, but I think you need to stand back and think carefully about where you go from here. You could end up with no contact at all with your grandson if you carry on the way you are doing. As others have said the insurance is for his wife and child, and making an assumption that she would do up your house and then live there with you is not realistic at all. My first husbands mother behaved in the same way. My husband was offered a job way up in Scotland shortly after we married. I said that he should decide if the job was what he wanted and I was prepared to go anywhere with him and that he should think about it and I would not put any pressure on him either way. Later that day I overheard my mil talking on the phone to her sister telling her how she had said he couldnt go and leave her so far away etc etc. He did not take the job but a few months later he was offered another job abroad and I again said he must think if he wanted the job and then we would look at the situation but I made sure she did not have the chance to interfere. We took the job and were away for 2 years. Of course we kept in contact and visited but if she had not interfered we would have gone to the first job. You are making unreasonable demands and they will not work and probably mean that she would be less likely to see you . If you dont like flying perhaps you could think of somewhere pleasant somewhere between you that you might meet up for a while. You might try speaking to any close friends you have about how you feel and they could make some suggestions and support you , but expecting your DiL to put you and your wishes first is neither likely or viable especially while she is grieving and needing to be there for her son. If you hope for a better outcome then I think you could write her a letter and apologise for things and explain that grief had made you get things out of kilter and hope to go on in a better way from there.

Aw dear it’s sad when a loved one passes away even more so if it’s unexpectedly, but I agree with the other comments. My father died in very unusual circumstances which lead to some his family demanding they were compensated for his loss, we never saw them again. My mum really struggled to cope with grief and died a few years later. If you can’t show kindness and compassion say nothing

My goodness, how rude, asking for a share in the insurance money. That's for your DIL and grandson, to do whatever they wish with.
I don't blame her for wanting to be nearer to her family. I would in a grief stricken time like this.

The old saying is very true:
'A daughter's a daughter all her life and
' A son's a son until he takes a wife'

I'm afraid this is the hand you have been dealt.

granny123 - I agree, some people on this thread are being incredibly cruel and insenstive. An example is one of us announcing YOU ARE WRONG on four different occasions in her post.
Grief affects people in many different ways, and I don't think any of us knows how we would react in these circumstances when everything is so raw. Why do some feel the need to judge her so harshly?

semperfidelis

granny123 - I agree, some people on this thread are being incredibly cruel and insenstive. An example is one of us announcing YOU ARE WRONG on four different occasions in her post.
Grief affects people in many different ways, and I don't think any of us knows how we would react in these circumstances when everything is so raw. Why do some feel the need to judge her so harshly?

Perhaps because not one of us would dream that the widow owed us anything at all? Perhaps because the widow did attempt to be kind? Perhaps because the widow will estrange if OP doesn't stop her entitled behaviour?

semperfidelis

granny123 - I agree, some people on this thread are being incredibly cruel and insenstive. An example is one of us announcing YOU ARE WRONG on four different occasions in her post.
Grief affects people in many different ways, and I don't think any of us knows how we would react in these circumstances when everything is so raw. Why do some feel the need to judge her so harshly?

Because there are three bereaved people in this story, all grieving and one of them is behaving very badly.

I don’t think anyone here hasn’t expressed sympathy for her situation at all. To the contrary I believe all have. But we are also expressing sympathy for her poor dil, whom has just been unexpectantly widowed at such a young age, and with a nursery school aged child who has lost his father, both of whom op seems to have lost sight of by her own grief. It’s as if she feels her en grief so strongly she can’t fathom the magnitude of her dils grief and it will be to her detriment to continue on this path. Those who have pointed out where’s gone wrong seem to have done so in an attempt to shake her straight, and help her to get back on good footing before she does lose contact with her dil and grandson. If this was your friend telling you all this over tea wouldn’t you be gently trying to help them see where they’ve gone astray? That their requests and desires here are completely unreasonable ? It doesn’t even have anything to do with “well a sons a son until her takes a wife” as many suggest. If her dil had suddenly passsed would she think it was reasonable for her dils family to expect her son and grandson to have moved in with them etc? Or would theogical step have been for him to want to be nearer his own family? She’s allowing. Her grief and desperation to be near her grandson cloud her judgement horribly and it’s pushing grandson and dil away, not thr other way around. She needs to apologize and back off quickly before those consequences are lasting.

My apologies for the typing errors. I do wish there was an edit option for such times!

Oh dear OP I think you have a lot of thinking and, eventually, bridge building to do. Please think long and hard about your future relationship with DiL and GS. She is offering you monthly contact and if you apologise for the way you have behaved you will have that joy for many years to come and the link with your son will not be broken. Please, please think about this, for your sake and theirs.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.

I have to agree with all the comments - they are not cruel at all - as someone said simply ‘realistic and honest’ You have been doubly bereaved - your husband and son- and I believe your only family? This would be devastating for any of us as it is for you and I believe your DIL understands this - she sounds a very kind person - however, your son’s life insurance is for his immediate family. It is perfectly natural for your DIL to want and need to be with her parents when she has lost her husband. You are both in the throes of grief- it will pass but you must in due course, try to rebuild your own interests and life. Your future happiness cannot depend on your grandson. He is your DILs child, not yours. We bring up our children to develop wings and fly - they find their jobs, their partners, have their own families and we hope to maintain good relationships with them all. As grandparents we hope to help if possible, and be involved but we are secondary to their lives- we have to step back - give advice if asked or just keep mum otherwise. Your DIL has been so kind and thoughtful to you - even in her own grief - maybe some counselling might help you through this desperately sad point in your life? I do feel very sad for you - it sounds too as if you have a good deal less in terms of assets and money than your DILS family, which may make you feel even more fearful and isolated. Please do try to find someone to help you- you sound lonely.

Sorry for your loss - I think some time to yourself to grieve would be a good thing, give yourself time and I’m sure your dil will eventually get in touch for you to see your grandchild again. Please remember she is also grieving you both need time.

I know you are grieving but you are really confusing support with control. Support is encouraging loved ones to live the way they want and need to. Control is telling them what’s best for them based on your own needs. Your grandson is not your son, his life is up to his mother. They have their own lives and needs. I suspect if you keep up this behavior you will not receive visits from them. If you are gracious and loving of her life choices you will get to visit him. Real love means letting go sometimes, and it will usually come back to you when you loosen your grip. Make some friends and gain a fulfilling life of your own. It’s not your family’s job to make you happy and fufilled and have it however you want. Cruel? Truth can be. I am sorry for your loss and wish you well.