DIL Pushing Me Away

I cannot understand why you assumed that [1] the daughter in law would split the insurance [2] she would want to move in with you [3] she would continue the monthly stipends your son gave you [4] she would consult with you before selling the house [5] she should not move closer to her maternal family [6] she would entrust her son to you and not her own parents / keep him with her while she made funeral arrangements [7] she made the offer of flights because she knew you wouldn't take it up, etc. You are saying that her family is overbearing; but, on the other hand, your attitude obtains because you are wanting to keep close to the grandchild. Is is not the daughter in law who is doing the pushing away.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be completely overwhelming for you as that's what comes across in your post - absolute panic and feelings of abandonment.

How old was your son and what was your relationship like with your daughter in law prior to your son's death? How old is your grandson?

Obviously everything has changed now primarily for your DIL and her son, she needs time and space to try and make the right decisions for her and your grandson - imagine being in her shoes right now. Imagine losing your husband when you had a young child - the tendency to seek support from those closest to us is our own choice and others have to respect that. No doubt if your DIL had died (god forbid) then your son and grandson would have come to you - or he would have chosen to carry on his life where he was. As adults they make their own choices and parents expectations are just that.

Please be kind to yourself - things have changed beyond measure and it's still very early days. You need time to heal and adjust which is a mammoth task when you lose someone you love.

All very, very true.

I think all the comments here are meant in kindness and a good message for everybody with sons ( I have 3 adult sons I adore ) . Best wishes to the poor bereaved op and sorry it’s so hard for you 🌸

I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson, including supervised visitation once therapy is completed. I cannot understand supervised visits, I’m not a threat to my grandson. I attempted to reach her many times prior to this letter and pleaded to her mother for updates but was met with no response. She is demanding therapy, but I don’t have extra for that so, like the flying, just another way to look good while knowing it won’t happen. I had a great relationship with my MIL while my son grew up so I didn’t find my request to have them refurbish their part of the home and stay with my unreasonable as many of you have mentioned. My DIL has never seemed to embrace me the way I embraced my ILS.

To answer some more questions::
1. My son was helping me back on my feet while I recovered from surgery
2. My husband passed last June
3. My son passed in March
4. My grandson is 3.5

It's so soon, considering your great loss, but maybe, possibly there is some way through this for you.
I do hope so.
Could you possibly afford any counselling at all?

A cease and desist was sent to indicate your very frequent contact and requests are unreasonable.

What is next if you dont stop your unreasonable expectations- restraining order request

Do go to therapy. You need it.

Hithere

A cease and desist was sent to indicate your very frequent contact and requests are unreasonable.

What is next if you dont stop your unreasonable expectations- restraining order request

Do go to therapy. You need it.

Yes this. Sometimes churches and other community try organizations offer grief counseling at a low cost rate as well. There’s no shame in needing counseling given what’s happened but it’s clear you do. And obviously your requests and demands have been deemed unreasonable by your dil . So it’s important to recognize they are being received that way and change course. She’s ever right to start her life over for herself and her son however she needs to. She’s offering , even with a cease and desist order , a chance for you to be a part of that life. Don’t waste it.

I'm afraid there is not much you can do

Once a cease and desist is issued that means any unwanted contact can be used as evidence for a restraining order. This can include contacting third parties.

The relationship has broken down. It might go easier for you if you view the "demands" as boundaries and genuine concerns held against you. Work will be required in order to regain the contact you desire

Have you ever suggested you would take a legal route to see your grandchild? Could this be addressing that? That can often be the straw that breaks the camels back in these situations... Because sometimes it can be seen as an attempt to control the situation and overule the parents if the work has not been done to address any issues beforehand.

I truly hope you can seek some help. There are many charitable organisations that offer counselling. I think you need a more objective view of the situation here from a qualified source

Thankyou for the update. I am not familiar with US law but the wording seems clear. Please can I ask you to spare a thought for what your DiL has been going through on top of her grief over losing her husband. She has had to initiate this order against you at a time when your support was needed. You are both grieving and the poor little boy will be confused. Please try to spare a thought for the others involved in this. And if counselling is what is needed then please have it. I do wish you well and hope you reach some sort of understanding with your DiL.

Supervised visits may be for an interim period only grannys and while I understand you being upset, it really is better than not seeing your GS at all.

As has been said, there's no shame in having counselling especially with all that you have been through. Try not to see it just as a means to see your GS but as something positive for you too, so you can begin to deal with your grief .

I hope the letter has caused you to reflect. Your daughter in law has given you money so you should be able to afford some therapy. Accept the terms on which access to your grandson is offered. That it has come to a lawyer being involved must make you realise that you are very much in the wrong here.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have three sons and they are my proudest acheivements. However in your situation I think you’ve expected too much. She now has a child to support and a future to navigate. This may or not involve you. Tread carefully or you’ll push her and her family away. You should not have expected any money from your sons life insurance this was for her and her sons future. I think you need time to think.

grannys123 I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson, including supervised visitation once therapy is completed. I cannot understand supervised visits, I’m not a threat to my grandson.

I'm sorry you've forced dil to a solicitor's letter. Therapy sounds a good idea. Don't question dil's wishes regarding her son. Also, leave her Mum alone. No good will come making incessant demands.

grannys123 I am truly sorry (for all of you actually) that a cease and desist order has now come to you... but I do agree with others that counselling is a positive step that you can seek out for yourself and your own future wellbeing.

I know some charities offer counselling so maybe ask at your church? I would start with that - and I'd try to be as positive as I could be about it. Counselling is for you and will help you work out your own best strategies for coping.

We all wish you well on Gransnet and hope you can make the necessary changes to bring things to a happier place.

I would still write an apology letter but I would run it all past someone you trust - to make sure that your sincerity shines through and that none of your "old" feelings are there to pick over.

I'm really sorry for your loss and fully understand that you are grieving right now. But you also need to think about the fact that your DIL is grieving and also dealing with her very young child's grief and does not have the capacity to deal with your grief and needs as well. Her life has changed forever - she does not have the future with her husband she envisaged and her child will grow up without a father.

You need to set aside your expectations and presumptions. They were not realistic. You need to stop thinking that your DIL and grandson will become a substitute for your husband and son. They have their own grief to heal.

I think you need to need to take some steps deal with your own grief. I was going to write that your behaviour could come across to DIL as harassment or hounding a new widow - but I see that your DIL already regards your behaviour as over the line and has sent a cease and desist letter. You need to consider that the level and number of your demands have scared your DIL and she's worried to have you upsetting her son.

As a word of warning - and this was way back in the 1930s - my Great Grandmother caused a permanent breach in the family because of her presumptions and controlling behaviour towards her DIL. After her son's death my GGM just presumed that DIL and GD would move in with her and that she would raise the baby. She didn't listen to any objections or tried to steamroller over them. As a result, DIL moved far away to her family and GGM never saw her granddaughter again and my own grandmother never saw her niece. All contact was lost until 35 years later a woman approached in a car park of a sporting event and asked my name. It turned out to be my mother's long lost cousin. I never even knew she existed

I think you need to follow up with the therapy. Many churches have Ministers/Pastors who are trained counsellors. Colleges often offer low cost counselling. I have cut out a list of suggestions for finding therapy from a US newspaper - I hope you can find help.

........................................................
How to find a therapist

(Always exercise due diligence in selecting caregivers.)

· Ask your primary care physician to refer you to someone.

· Call your health insurance carrier or visit them online to get a list of in-network providers.

· See if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program.

· Use Open Path Collective, a national nonprofit network of therapists providing sessions at reduced rates.

· Search the listings on Psychology Today.

· If you or family members have a school affiliation, ask whether its counseling service is available to you or maintains a list of recommended providers of mental health care.

· Inquire at your religious organization, if appropriate — many faith leaders have counseling credentials.

· Contact a local college or university that confers degrees in counseling fields; many have clinics to train their students.

· If you have a specific difficulty, such as grief, addiction, a major illness in the family, debt, etc., there may be a topic-specific support group. SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year information service in English and Spanish for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups and community-based organizations.

............................................................

Great details cold - I hope the OP will find them useful.

I'm getting a bit confused on some of the abbreviations, reread and sorted most out. But a few comments stated the OP was in the US, another wondered if from Eastern Europe. I'm confused there, too. Does the OP say something I missed to indicate where she lives? I'm in the US, enjoy this forum and it's nice to see others facing & sorting out some of what I face. As to someone asking if this is a custom in the States? Not in any way. Never heard of anyone asking for this...not unless they were greedy.

Sorry for your loss. I suggest that you begin by connecting to Grief Share (online) griefshare.org in the country where you reside. You are lashing out irrationally in fear of losing the little 3 year old. He is not your son. He is her son. You are not welcome in the DIL's life anymore because you are unstable with terrible grief and she will need years with zero contact with you in order to recover from this and tend to her child's needs. You asked a grieving widow for money. I know you can't see the wrong you've done due to the trauma you are in but you need to get away from you GC, your DIL and all of their family. Your actions come across to me as a bully. You will find all sorts of ways to justify your behavior but realistically, you need counseling to deal with your trauma and not make your in-laws lives even worse. If I were the DIL, I would not even give you visitation until he were in his teens. I am truly sorry for your loss and believe that you can be in a better place than this with the help of caring professionals. Don't let these tragedies define the rest of YOUR life. Leave her alone.

"She is demanding therapy, but I don’t have extra for that so, like the flying, just another way to look good while knowing it won’t happen."

The above says it all, in fact is it dispicable, there is no hope of any reconciliation until you can see you are so very much in the wrong on every count. Your poor, poor DIL to have to cope with this whilst grieving her husband's premature death. Please find the. money for therapy, but it will not help until you open your mind to the fact that you are so out of order. What you had with your own MIL, does not come in to this at all. I cannot tell you how sad I feel for your grandson and his lovely mother.

Macadia

Sorry for your loss. I suggest that you begin by connecting to Grief Share (online) griefshare.org in the country where you reside. You are lashing out irrationally in fear of losing the little 3 year old. He is not your son. He is her son. You are not welcome in the DIL's life anymore because you are unstable with terrible grief and she will need years with zero contact with you in order to recover from this and tend to her child's needs. You asked a grieving widow for money. I know you can't see the wrong you've done due to the trauma you are in but you need to get away from you GC, your DIL and all of their family. Your actions come across to me as a bully. You will find all sorts of ways to justify your behavior but realistically, you need counseling to deal with your trauma and not make your in-laws lives even worse. If I were the DIL, I would not even give you visitation until he were in his teens. I am truly sorry for your loss and believe that you can be in a better place than this with the help of caring professionals. Don't let these tragedies define the rest of YOUR life. Leave her alone.

Absolutely this

I don't think you are coping and are in a terrible state of grief, fear and panic. Which is understandable. You are trying to cling to your daughter in law and grandson to stay afloat which again is understandable but I am afraid you are in danger of losing them completely. I know you feel you could be of help to them in this situation but what you want them to do is not what your DIL needs. There is also the little boy to think about. He needs you to be strong now. I know it is not easy. Your son sounds a lovely man. Perhaps you have always had needs that he understood and helped you with. I am so sorry for your loss. You need to find a way of supporting yourself independently, emotionally and practically. Which may seem overwhelmingly difficult but I hope you can do it because it is the only way forward for you and the only way to keep positive contact with your grandson and his mother. Bereavement counselling could help.

It seems to me that you are being so unreasonable. Your DIL has helped you with money, offered a way for you to see your grandson at their expense and still you are not happy. You put blocks in the way.
Despite being your son the funeral was for HER husband and it was not for you to have the final say in arrangements.
It is natural for her to want to be near her own family so why would you expect her to move in with you rather than her own close relations.
To ask for money from a policy is so wrong and I wonder she is even still bothering to suggest ways you can see your grandson.
HARSH WORDS indeed but I think you need to calm down and try to see the logic in what she is doing. Otherwise I fear you WILL lose both of them.
Good luck however, but please think, think, think .

You sound very overbearing and controlling. I'm sorry for your losses but you can't dictate how your dil goes on with her life. You were ridiculous expecting some of the insurance money. Why would she want to live with her mother in law instead of her own family? I'm afraid you will lose them if you don't change your ways. You have a lovely offer to fly to see them once a month. Fear of flying is not an excuse. There is a course you can take to overcome the fear. You need to apologise to her and put your yelling down to grief. Hopefully she'll forgive you.

Gransnetters

...things have taken a turn for the worse

grannys123 says:

I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson

I think some people have missed this development.