Taken for granted?

My mum was never physically well enough to look after grandchildren for a whole day. My sister would bring her kids over regularly so Mum got lots of contact, but not expected to look after them.

I would just explain you love seeing your grandchild but neither of you can do a whole day anymore. She can then make other arrangements.

I posted in order to see what other grans' views were. I didn't expect to get an ear bashing RosiesMaw but I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest.
I do enjoy the time I spend with the little one but it is restricting (and tiring) having him 8am to 6.30 pm every Monday. I have six other grandchildren ( 8 in all once the new baby arrives) and a lot of time is spent helping with school runs, babysitting in the evenings etc. On reflection, I dont think I am being selfish. Of course I have no intention of " withdrawing support" - just redistributing it a little. I will chat to my daughter at the weekend and hopefully we can sort it out. Thanks everyone for your comments.

Literarylover

I posted in order to see what other grans' views were. I didn't expect to get an ear bashing RosiesMaw but I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest.
I do enjoy the time I spend with the little one but it is restricting (and tiring) having him 8am to 6.30 pm every Monday. I have six other grandchildren ( 8 in all once the new baby arrives) and a lot of time is spent helping with school runs, babysitting in the evenings etc. On reflection, I dont think I am being selfish. Of course I have no intention of " withdrawing support" - just redistributing it a little. I will chat to my daughter at the weekend and hopefully we can sort it out. Thanks everyone for your comments.

Good luck Literary Lover. I really hope you can sort out something which suits you both. Communication is what it's all about!

All these entitled children, tell them straight how you feel. Many of us raised children without assistance from grandparents, we just had to get on with it Set the boundaries an do nt waiver.
.

That's a long day!
And with 8 grandchildren to fit in and help out you're definitely not being unreasonable.
You need a holiday tbh!

May I ask how long your daughter intends maternity leave? Our daughters and granddaughters have taken differing amounts of time. The young couples usually had maternity leave to care for the mum and baby, alone.

Will your husband's health improve before the baby is born? I ask because after surgery I was unable to mind babies for a month. Perhaps your husband will recover and D's needs will lessen?

My mum had young children - no help. I managed alone quite well. My husband was working 2 jobs when our first 2 were born, close together, house was a mess but I cooked - we ate. Perhaps cooking/freezing some meals, in advance would help your daughter (I fill their freezers). We also pay a weekly clean for new parents. Maybe you could help in that way?

I don't commit myself to scheduled care - too many GC/GGC. However, I'll watch no notice for mum's needs and I do a lot of the school driving (almost an hour one way) my biggest contribution.

There are many ways to be a helpful gran, whilst allowing your D to bond!

Good luck.

When my daughters were on maternity leave, they would come round to ours one day a week with the children. I really enjoyed those days, and it was a help to my girls, maternity leave can be a bit lonely these days now fewer mothers are at home.
Perhaps your daughter could do that? Then you are still seeing your grandchildren but don't have the responsibility.

You are NOT being unreasonable or selfish at all. In fact I don’t know how you do it with all your other grandchildren. I would just tell her in a nice way that you want a break. You’ve more than done your bit. 💐

Ilovecheese

When my daughters were on maternity leave, they would come round to ours one day a week with the children. I really enjoyed those days, and it was a help to my girls, maternity leave can be a bit lonely these days now fewer mothers are at home.
Perhaps your daughter could do that? Then you are still seeing your grandchildren but don't have the responsibility.

Good idea.

I dislike being alone with GC/GGC - I want mums with the babies, actually caring for their own - apart from school runs and emergencies.

My DMiL looked after all four of my children when I went back to work as she said it gave her something to get out of bed for. I only worked one and a half days for several years and my Dh was at home in the morning to get the kids to school, so it was only a couple of hours each day. We made sure we showed our appreciation, and paid some of her bills. I now look after my own dad three days a week, and love every minute of our time together as she’ll soon be off to nursery.

Bear in mind that the three year old will probably be jealous of the baby, and be happier to get away from him or her for his usual day with you and his grand-dad.

However, if it is getting to be too much for you, now is the time to discuss this with your daughter.

Why are so many British grandparents looking after their grandchildren? It seems so strange to me, as no-one expects this of grandparents in Denmark, and no-one ever explains whether there is a shortage of nurseries in Britain, or are they too expensive?

When I had my first baby my mum was still working. When she did retire it was made very clear that apart from occasional babysitting or days out she was not going to be a permanent babysitter. I would never have expected her to.

I don't think you are being selfish, but I think you need to sit and have a serious chat with your daughter and her partner. Are they assuming that you will also look after the new baby when she goes back to work?

I don't know how old you are but at my age, 65, and with dodgy ankles I wouldn't want to spend my time chasing a toddler.

Maybe straight after the new baby arrives, but, maybe.

I had three children and just got on with it. Childminders, nurseries etc., all played a part in my children's lives.

Some of us had no option but to help care for our grandchildren. It isn't always a question of parents being 'entitled'.

I agree with RosiesMaw absolutely- how lucky you are to have the opportunity to make a firm bond with your grandson- stay with it - please.

Literarylover, now is the time for you to tell your dd that you will be there for emergencies but not for regular childminding. It is your time now, time to spend with your DH

My AC never ever took me foregranted, they arranged childcare on a paid basis via nursery and they did the taking and picking up.

My Dgc have always had a close and loving relationship with me and my husband and I always managed to step in if there was illness. I am widowed now and will forever cherish the days me and we spent together, going out, going on holiday, carefree

OP look at your own priorities now and remember that it was your DDs choice to have children and your choice to marry your husband, for better or for worse.

I have two friends at the moment in the same position as you. One looks after their two year old three afternoons a week, the other two full days.
For what it’s worth I think my friends situations are too much, they frequently complain about being tired.
I think your daughter should ask you at least, so you don’t feel so taken for granted.
It might be a good idea though to keep the little one in the same routine, although maybe a later start and earlier pick up.
And if you want to go off on holiday it shouldn’t be a problem. In fact I’d be off somewhere while you can.

hithere However, the implication that "she is on maternity leave", she is not working will nor sit well at all.
She will be busier than ever now with two kids.

I found this comment quite amusing! So often on here we see posters advising that grandparents shouldn't have any expectations of visiting privileges, particularly following a birth, and that we should give the new parents "time to bond with their new baby". There is often a flurry of posters who insist that young families are incredibly busy, and asking them to make time in their busy schedules for granny and grandpa to visit them is just another drain on their valuable time. And yet here we have grandparents who have 7 other grandchildren to spend time with, an ailing grandfather and a grandmother who is just tired and feeling that she doesn't have much more to give at the moment. We have to assume that the expectant parents considered all angles of how they were going to cope with a 2nd child. If they didn't; that was irresponsible and is down to them to resolve by paying for child care. If they expected that the extra burden of child care would be borne by the grandparents, then they had no more rights to do that than the grandparents who expect to see their grandchildren but are told "no sorry, we're too busy". It cuts both ways.

Grunty, I think you have misunderstood that comment

With the comment of maternity leave is:
It is not a vacation! Just the opposite

It could be the hardest time of a woman's life! Recovering from birth, lack of sleep, taking care of a newborn plus other kids and rest of responsibilities, etc.

Make it clear her children are her responsability. Take a break book a holiday and enjoy retirement

I totally agree with ROSIEMAW.
It was a privilege to look after both my grandchildren while my daughter worked. I had them 2/3 days a week and loved every minute of it. I was NOT taken advantage of as she always respected that I could and would do my own thing.
I really don't see a problem with one day a week to allow your daughter to get over the birth and into a new routine, unless, of course your husband's ill health is a problem in which case you should tell her.
When they were both at secondary school near me I often got a call to see if I was in and they would call round.
I miss that now as they are both older and no longer attend school/college.
Try to enjoy that precious time you have with you grandchildren - it flies by so soon.

I do cringe at all the help parents seem to need nowadays, in fact, for quite a number of years. Yes the GS may enjoy time with GPs when baby arrives. There is though the other side, he may wonder why he is not allowed to stay with his DM but the new baby is. With all this explaining and negotiating with young children that is considered necessary by some, what if the 3 year old says he wants to stay with DM. Why can't the parent's cope with a baby and a 3 year old? What would they do if no GPs available? They would have to cope.

Just because one person thinks one way, it doesn't for a second mean everyone else has to follow suit.

Love every minute? Well knock yourself out and go for it.

There's no right or wrong.

Presumably not one single person is in exactly the same circumstances as the original poster.

Why do some think grandparents seem to be obligated to be a full time or regular babysitting service on certain days!!

**It's not a matter of whether we love our g'kids more or less.....

We have a life too!!!

IF you want to do it, FINE!! IF not... DON'T !! --and don't feel guilty!! Hugsss~~

MissAdventure

Just because one person thinks one way, it doesn't for a second mean everyone else has to follow suit.

Love every minute? Well knock yourself out and go for it.

There's no right or wrong.

Presumably not one single person is in exactly the same circumstances as the original poster.

Exactly. I wouldn't have chosen to have to look after my GS as much as I have, but there was no other option. Some people love looking after their grandchildren - I know several who do it almost Monday to Friday - but equally, there are others who don't enjoy it. If you have the choice, it's up to you what route you go down.