Taken for granted?

It doesn't work like that, though.
Each person is individual.

Absolutely agree. The entitlement of today's parent never ceases to amaze me. Stick to your guns......you are nit being unreasonable!

It is a choice to have children not a government dictat. The daughter is home with a DH presumably on paternity leave too and in a house with all mod cons. No more boiling nappies on the gas ring or setting the fire with kindling in the morning. Ready meals and takeaways are ubiquitous as well, so no slaving over cheap cuts of beef skirt for dinner either. For heaven's sake. I'm not advocating a return to the bad old days but I think some posters should seriously get a grip. It's become an absolute expectation that grandparents act as free, permanent childcare no matter what. In many cases they become de facto parents. Why can't young women, who've never had such privileged lives, cope with their own children any more. More's to the point, why keep having them.

I am no expert, having only two GC with one DD. They live about 1 hr from us while the other GPS are in walking distance but we did our bit one (10-hour) day a week (often in our touring caravan in a farmer's field!), sometimes doing nursery runs as well. We just about managed it but were in our sixties then and the GCs are now at secondary school. No way we could do it now.

DD was always very fair, she had emergency plans if we couldn't come and always asked in advance if she needed to cancel or re-arrange.

One reason we were sometimes so exhausted with the GC is that our DD also gave her kiddies a lot of freedom of choice. This was fine with the GS who was naturally a "good boy" but not so with the GD who could be very wilful which we felt was simply naughty. She is still a livewire but seems to have grown out of the naughtiness. In fact both are fantastic children now, but we couldn't cope with a wilful child now.

Younger DD is hoping to start a family imminently but lives 200 miles away, so we won't be much involved. I can't decide whether that is a relief or whether I will feel "denied" the opportunity to be involved with their daily lives. So there are plus points and minus points to helping out with GC.

Good luck to the OP and I hope it turns out well.

As a Granny who lives 200 miles from her grandchildren I have no experience of regularly giving childcare. I hope to move nearer and be available to help out in emergencies but I wouldn't offer regular childcare as I feel I'm too old to cope. I was an older parent and became a GP a few weeks before I retired. I have helped out for a few days when my grandson's nursery closed at a time my DS and DiL were unable to take time off and was relieved that my granddaughter was still able to go to her childminder as normal. I enjoyed the time I had on my own with my grandson, but would have struggled if I'd had them both! At the same time I do envy GP's who spend regular time with their GC as they develop a closer bond. In our case both sets of GPs live 200 miles away in different places and the other GP's also have 2 more GC while I just have the 2.

I would be mindful of keeping that special bond alive, though maybe a compromise could be reached - maybe shorter days when you look after him, or maybe alternate weeks during the maternity leave. Of course if your husband has health issues that may affect things too, but I hope you can reach a decision that works for all of you. I'm sure your grandson values his regular time with you and might miss that part of his routine. I was a stay-at-home mum with both sets of GPs living at a distance. My children saw my in-laws more often than they saw my mum as the distance involved was less (and they were more pushy) but I regret not making more effort to see my mum more as their relationship was much less close. As a child I only had one set of GPs from the age of 3, and although there was no childcare involved, we saw them every week and the relationship was really important and I have many happy memories.

I think you are very lucky to have your grandchild one day a week. I live so far from my daughter that this is not possible for me.
Thank your lucky stars you are part of your grandsons life

I would say that you're willing to continue as normal for the first month after the birth then do an occasional day for mum to have a break, while she's home on leave

You are expected to continue? No. You need to communicate with your DD. She can take care of her baby and her toddler. If she is not going to raise them herself, she can get a second job to pay some nursery to do it. Sad but that is life and her decisions.

Dillonsgranma

I think you are very lucky to have your grandchild one day a week. I live so far from my daughter that this is not possible for me.
Thank your lucky stars you are part of your grandsons life

Being part of your grandchild's life and sharing the responsibility of bringing them up are two very different things Dillonsgranma. These childcare arrangements are set in stone and often involve doing the school or nursery run, which is incredibly stressful. Grandparents are permanently tied to a strict schedule and unable to make plans of their own. Occasional babysitting or taking the GC's on fun days out is one thing but I certainly wouldn't want the same responsibilities as their parents in my mid seventies. Personally I don't think it's very safe or sensible either.

Literarylover

In answer to keepingquiet, I wasn't actually looking for " sympathy"- just other views. And to the person who wanted to know how how I wanted to be "thanked", I don't want thanks - just a bit of time for myself and DH in retirement before starting to mind the new baby.

So you have already agreed to look after the new baby? Presumably this is in addition to the three yr old?
Why did you agree to this if your DH's health is a problem?

It isn't about the husbands health, particularly.

It's about wanting a bit of a break, for various reasons.

RosiesMaw2

^For goodness sake RosiesMaw, the OP's GS is not her responsibility and plenty of parents are able to manage a new baby and have the time to spend with the child they already have^
I despair.
Can you actually remember those early weeks with a new baby, a jealous toddler, broken nights, breastfeeding, stitches, hormones and exhaustion?
I had no help after my C sections and thanked my lucky stars for a perceptive health visitor who spotted that I was going under. Not saying DH wasn’t willing but no paternity leave. My mum and MIL hundreds of miles away - so yes, I’ve been there.
When my daughters had their babies I felt privileged to be part of their lives and that included taking “number one” off their hands to let mum get some rest.
OP makes it sound like a chore not a joy.
As it happens my daughters have more than once said “my children, my problem” and never taken advantage of me, so I’ve been lucky, but IMO this is just NOT the moment to withdraw support and step out of this little boy’s life.
I’m out.
The connection between the emphasis on Rights and Boundaries I meet so often here on GN is totally foreign to me and cannot be entirely separated from estrangement issues.

I agree with most of this post.

I was having babies when our eldest daughters were graduated University/ married/ having babies. I don't help much except filling freezers/paying cleaners. I know one can get on alone, I always did.

However this daughter asked for "help" - perhaps cut hours, do have the child round.

But I don’t read it as the daughter ‘asking’ for help, she is just assuming. Surely anybody should ask not assume.

Literarylover

I posted in order to see what other grans' views were. I didn't expect to get an ear bashing RosiesMaw but I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest.
I do enjoy the time I spend with the little one but it is restricting (and tiring) having him 8am to 6.30 pm every Monday. I have six other grandchildren ( 8 in all once the new baby arrives) and a lot of time is spent helping with school runs, babysitting in the evenings etc. On reflection, I dont think I am being selfish. Of course I have no intention of " withdrawing support" - just redistributing it a little. I will chat to my daughter at the weekend and hopefully we can sort it out. Thanks everyone for your comments.

It's difficult to be fair if you have so many grandchildren.
I only have two living near me and do the school run every morning and one afternoon a week, with the odd evening of babysitting. Maybe a little more in the holidays.
I do find the "double school run" days a bit exhausting and can quite understand why you find a whole day rather tiring, I certainly would.
I can't understand why some people have given you an ear-bashing. It's up to you what you choose to do. However I hope that your daughter is sympathetic to your needs. My own daughter didn't realise that I found it so tiring until I told her.

I think it often is as simple as that cc, they don't necessarily know how tiring it is for some GP's unless they're told.

We loved having our grandchildren, it was always a pleasure never a chore, two one day and another grandson after school.

Your daughter would have a day to rest. You can be so tired when you are pregnant with a second child. All too soon your grandson will be at school and you won’t see him very much then when he gets older with after school clubs you won’t see him at all. Enjoy him while you can because soon you will be sad you don’t see him at all.

Mention her dad's health issues and say as much as you love having your grandchild you need to cut it down to say once every two weeks instead of every week...that gives her a day to completely rest ready for the new baby, youre not under pressure, and you keep a happy relationship with all concerned. Or maybe have him for an afternoon every week instead of a whole day.

I posted in order to see what other grans' views were. I didn't expect to get an ear bashing RosiesMaw grin but I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest
I seriously resent your remark, the only serving to make it passive/aggressive
I don’t need to “feel better” or to get anything off my chest except to say that I have been disappointed and shocked at the attitude of some GPs to their GC - a “chore” ?
If that’s your attitude better not to start to do something you end up doing so unwillingly .
Miserable doesn’t come close.
And no, I am not a young granny, and I nursed and cared for DH throughout the last years of his final illness, coping equally with getting him the 65 miles to London for hospital appointments often weekly.
I am NOT a martyr and was quite realistic about what was possible at the time.
But the closeness of the relationship with my eldest GS which I am sure was rooted in our weekly contact when he was a baby speaks for itself.
You get nothing for nothing.

Am I really so different from most? I offered to look after DGD 1 day a week from 3months to Reception, even though it involved several hours in the car each time. I'd recently retired when she was born. Subsequently for a few years, I picked her up from school one day a week. It was our special time. Now older primary, she comes and stays, we do stuff together. I firmly believe that our relationship is all the better for the time we spent with each other, even if she remembers little of the pre-school years.
Grandparents spending time alone with grandchildren is very different from when there are parents there!

No, there is no "most", because everyone is different.
Not wrong, not right, just different.

Cambsnan

How would you feel if she stopped needing you? Read a a few posts where grandparents never see their precious little one. Be grateful for what you have. Being needed is a gift.

I know a grandmother who has been babysitting 2 grandchildren for two days a week.
I sort of knew it was too much for her.

She has just had a heart attack.

It sounds like a very entitled daughter. Tell her up front, and don't go back on your word. She's on maternity leave, for goodness' sake. Surely, she can look after two children. I had three boys in under four years and managed very well without help.

AuntyTrouble

Mention her dad's health issues and say as much as you love having your grandchild you need to cut it down to say once every two weeks instead of every week...that gives her a day to completely rest ready for the new baby, youre not under pressure, and you keep a happy relationship with all concerned. Or maybe have him for an afternoon every week instead of a whole day.

Really nice suggestions, AuntyTrouble.

I don’t think anything has made me as aware of how much I’m ageing as when I look after my grandchildren. And I don’t think our children realise that their mums and dads are getting old. I’ve told my son that I can’t walk down to the playground with his two the way that I used to and he just offers to put his car seats in my car so I can drive them there, which I find just as difficult as I only have a two door car. Even having to get up really early to drive to his house leaves me tired before the day even starts. I certainly couldn’t do it week in week out now.

Absolutely agree MissA. Just because some GP's want too commit themselves to regular childcare, doesn't mean all GP's do or should. Just because some don't regard it as a chore, and the OP hasn't said she does BTW, doesn't mean some don't and just because not all GP's want to do what other GP's are happy to do, that doesn't make them wrong.