Daughter in law lying to cafcass.

I’m also sorry to read this thread. I’m shocked that it is accepted that “the behaviour is normal” and “nothing new”.

What a messed up system if a bitter or vengeful parent can influence such an important decision regarding the best interests of children, by telling lies, and get away with it.

I didn’t realise this was so common place until it happened to us. I’m so sorry it’s happening to you too OP. My step son has been accused of awful things by his wife. She has had him arrested twice in front of the children and he is still on bail. She has a non molestation order against him. There is a court order to say the children must live with their mum. But the children are 11 and 14 so are voting with their feet - everytime they were made to go back they ran away (they are older so know it’s all lies) they all live with us now, and the police keep coming round and accusing us all of kidnapping. In one day recently they came round 4 times. It’s making us both ill too it’s so stressful. I had such respect for the police, cafcass etc and believed in the system and that justice prevails. But no longer- the system seems broken. This very complex situation just goes on and on. We are lucky as the children are old enough to defy any order, so bide your time OP. My son’s best friend is going through the same thing and hasn’t seen his 5 children since before Christmas. Women like this also take away from the women who are really being abused and need help.
Keep going OP. Let’s all hope that justice does prevail in the end. Keep in touch with your GC. As they get older they will hopefully understand the truth.

It looks as if your step son's wife is reaping what she's sewn LadyGaGa. Women like this aren't fit to be mothers.

Thanks Smileless2012 , that’s my favourite saying. Let’s hope so - for all these spiteful, nasty women.

I really feel for you Ladygaga. I hope it will all be sorted for you very soon. I agree that its also making myself and my husband ill with all the stress and worry. We just pray it will be sorted soon but im not optimistic. I will never understand why some women behave like this. Surely they must realise at some point as the children become older ( our grandchildren are 8 & 4) they will see and understand what is happening and she risks losing them..!!!!!
Its so very wrong they can try and alienate and constantly lie without any consequences. 😟

Fifteen years on from our family trauma with Cafcass and the whole family court system, I have to say it is absolutely not fit for purpose, Cafcass being the most malign in affecting the child's future.
My beautiful, supremely intelligent and aware grandchild has come through it but has been deeply affected by not being listened to - even though all involved in the decision process parrot this as their top priority - and the decisions made for their future.
I've often pondered that some enterprising law firm bringing action for trauma and damage caused might be the only way to effect change, the floodgates would be smashed open.
Keep fighting your corner easybeachit's a long haul but the day will comewhen the children will say enough is enough and simply refuse to comply or be manipulated by a flawed system any longer. They need your love and support even if they are unaware of it right now, it's so hard but try and keep the faith in your own way, there are some good suggestions on this thread.
Wishing you and your family all the very best

Nannee49
Thank you , I appreciate your comments and good wishes very much.
I just wish so many of us have to go through this when it could so easily be avoided.

Sorry ,I meant to say didn’t have to go through this

Nannee49

Fifteen years on from our family trauma with Cafcass and the whole family court system, I have to say it is absolutely not fit for purpose, Cafcass being the most malign in affecting the child's future.
My beautiful, supremely intelligent and aware grandchild has come through it but has been deeply affected by not being listened to - even though all involved in the decision process parrot this as their top priority - and the decisions made for their future.
I've often pondered that some enterprising law firm bringing action for trauma and damage caused might be the only way to effect change, the floodgates would be smashed open.
Keep fighting your corner easybeachit's a long haul but the day will comewhen the children will say enough is enough and simply refuse to comply or be manipulated by a flawed system any longer. They need your love and support even if they are unaware of it right now, it's so hard but try and keep the faith in your own way, there are some good suggestions on this thread.
Wishing you and your family all the very best

It may sound odd but in one way it is good to read this and realise we are not on our own in having these problems!
Sometimes you feel so isolated and begin to feel you are going mad, questioning yourself and your motives all the time!

I agree with the whole system not being fit for purpose- and certainly not child centred at all.

My GD is still young but boy can she make herself heard!
She was very put out that when she was at her mum's the Cafcass man asked her lots of questions but when she came to our house (my son lives with me) he didn't ask her any! She thought that was very unfair... he was with us for four hours, and never spoke to her!

I notice that your son and daughter-in-law are separated, not divorced. Are they proceeding towards divorce, and is the break-up pf the marriage due to one of them walking out? Is it this which has caused all the bitterness?

I know what you mean keeping quiet it does feel like you're alone in taking on the system, it can be very isolating and very hard mentally & emotionally so it is good to know others, having gone through the heartache, the total disbelief of how the system confounds expectations of fairness, do come out the other side.
The hardest thing I found to deal with is the lack of impartiality, whoever gets it in first tends to be believed, whether it's the truth or not, which leaves the other party fighting to "prove" their version of events.
I'm glad the telling of our journey through this horrible, stressful time has given some comfort and hope. The very, very plus side is my granddaughter is now a wonderful 18 year old, so kind & thoughtful but so much her own person, no-one but she is ever again going to be control of her life - she's amazing!

Good to read Nannee- only those who have gone through this can know the devastating impact it has. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

We only know one side of the story here

Generally speaking, abusers claim they do not abuse and the other party is lying

This has been going on since February

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1345152-Not-seeing-grandchildren

Hithere

We only know one side of the story here

Generally speaking, abusers claim they do not abuse and the other party is lying

People lie all the time- but lying about abuse is on a whole other level.

This is a very complex and serious issue that affects the lives of children.

Are you saying that fathers should admit abuse in order to prove they are telling the truth?

What a tangled web we weave indeed.

There is a lot of abuse, lies, deception and using the children as pawns it seems to me.

My working life was full of it.
Regarding cafcass, no, I'm sure it's not infallible but we lost a lot of experienced staff some years ago which can't have helped.

I can think of one case where the father was extremely clever, educated and manipulative and seemed to be believed at first - but, with support, I believe the child got the best outcome (with her mum). It took a long time though - as both mum and daughter had already been very damaged by this man.

Thanks NotSpaghetti for pointing out the lies, abuse, deception, manipulation of children that the family courts have to try and make sense of.
Most separating parents reach agreement without the need for legal proceedings. Often parents are offered or advised to work with a mediator before heading to stressful proceedings and yes, that can work.

keepingquiet

Are you saying that fathers should admit abuse in order to prove they are telling the truth?

What a tangled web we weave indeed.

It wouldn’t make any difference if you did, any grievance is so ingrained any admission of fault wouldn’t make anything better.
There may well be evidence of abuse, injury treated or financial deprivation, usually its just hearsay, for whatever reason the relationship has broken down trust or confidence is gone, the marriage is over, and the battle is over money and child access. Only rarely is there non contested breakup.

It’s true breakups usually lead to disagreements about money, property and children. That doesn’t mean all breakups lead to legal procedings

No, indeed, Iam

Most separating parents reach agreement without the need for legal proceedings.
I think this is true.
Many parents do manage at least a moderately amicable break-up.
Not everyone has so little disregard for the children, thank goodness!

Yes, I would like to echo Iam's and Not spaghetti's posts and challenge David's assertion. I speak with personal knowledge.
Most people manage to separate from their spouse without using the children as pawns in the game. Who would want that for a child?

Of course most spearating couples can reach agreement as mature adults who put the child's needs at the centre.
David is severely mistaken about this.

Parents fighting things through in family courts are not behaving like mature adults- they are fractured and broken people who don't know anything other than thinking they must be right and therefore the other person is wrong.

This isn't how real life is though, the answer often lies somewhere in between and yes, some parents are so abusive they should not be allowed near even thier own children- but these extreme cases are thankfully very rare.

Family court should not be a place where there are more nuanced and less black and white issues that just one parent wrong, the other parent right, stance. Being on the side of one parent over the other isn't to the benefit of children who may grow up with very confused ideas about what is a lie and what isn't, leading to equally serious issues as those children grow older.

I think this would be especially true of mandatory services such as Cafcass, social services, the police and even their own teachers who risk losing the trust of troubled young people.

Something needs to be done for these kids, but it just isn't happening...

Hithere,
I am very shocked at what you are implying.
Our son is certainly not an abusive person.
All he wants is to see his children which could have been easily sorted and yes he walked away from a difficult marriage.
His children love him very much.
I am so upset at your comments ,i feel you are accusing me of lying.

I can understand why you are shocked Easybeach4. It's all too easy for some women to accuse their partners of abuse. My son was also accused of abuse by his ex partner and was actually arrested. He was soon released without charge when he showed the police abusive texts he had received from his ex and the fact there was absolutely no proof. In fact he now has sole custody of his child and I must say he had only positive experiences of Cafcass.

I wish you and your son and his children all the best for the future.