Grandchildren very badly behaved

Thanks again for all the good advice
I don’t want to give up seeing my gc because I love them and I don’t blame them for their bad behaviour, I blame the parents
I think I will take them to the park if weather allows. It didn’t yesterday !
I am strict with them but it’s an uphill battle
They are also bad eaters and waste q lot of food which makes my blood boil as food is so expensive now
I don’t agree with the way my daughter and her husband bring them up but they are their children
I don’t allow iPads here at my house for instance
They are constantly on their iPads at their home and I hate that
I am also going to say I can only take 2 at a time
And we will see
Thanks again for your support

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you everybody for your kind words
I know I should be doing what you say and I hope I will have the courage to do it but my relationship with my daughter isn’t great , we are not close , she doesn’t have any compassion for my situation and basically , I am scared that she will dislike me even more and/or cut me off from the children

You are SCARED or your daughter, in that case she is a bully. How awful is that. You must and I mean must stop this before it goes too far, she needs you as much as you need her and your GC, put your foot down and stop being a doormat for a selfish child, who is bullying you around. If she really stops loving you, which I doubt, she did not love you much in the first place. Perhaps you love her too much and have always given in to her!!

Maybe giving up a bit of ground might help reduce the stress- for example food... give them what they will eat and your principles can tolerate. They are still v young....it's likrly not do much defiance as complete lack of boundaries. Ipads are an absolute no-no for pre-school children. The emerging research is indicating that any screen time at sll harms growing brains. So stand your ground on that one. Good luck xxxc

Children usually behave better if they are outside , running around a park. Indoors is probably more difficult especially after school , at least that’s my experience .

It's not unusual for kids that age to be picky eaters.

How many hours do you have them for? Can you sit them in front of the to? Can the older ones play in the garden! Are they tired ? I think having them in their own home would be preferable,if it’s near.

theworriedwell

I think children are boisterous after school, can you do something like an hour in the park after school so they can run some energy off?

Definitely!
I stuck to one day, and during holidays took him to our local park to run around and let off steam. DGS is a lovely lad, but quite full on energetic. I used to have a nap after he went home and an early night too.

Yes, I would sort out swimming lessons, the library and anything else that is outside of your home, taking them back to their own.

Rudeness and defiance is not to be tolerated, but I found that "how would you feel if I said that to you?" often works, as well as "that was a hurtful thing to do/say" or "that is so unkind" because children these days are quite self-centred and teaching them the effects on you is necessary.

I think I would let them have their iPads if that is what they are used to, just for peace and quiet!

I think, sadly it's going to be about compromise. And to some extend survival!

I suggest providing simple, healthy food. They can take it or leave it.

ipads, a necessary evil. Dig deep and praise when any of them does something kind/helpful.

Only do what you can happily manage.

Ask your daughter to pack snacks and/or suggestions for meals of what the kids will eat, since meals seem to be a stressor

I am sorry you have this difficult relationship with your daughter. She sounds very selfish.
Her lack of compassion is very sad indeed.
Hard though it is, I think you should consider standing up to her. She needs you for child care so she does not hold all the Trump cards. You are afraid she will stop you seeing the children, but who else is going to look after them for free?

I did not put the capital t in trump!

I would cook what you know they will eat. Less fuss all round. They will eat it and you won't be wasting food and money. Pick your battles!

It's common practice here for parents to send their children's own food, be that to a registered childminder or a grandparent.

I absolutely feel for you in this situation. I am a similar age to you and although my DGC are teenagers now i have been through this scenario involving different standards. I changed from looking after the children at my house to theirs because i realised it was taking it's toll on me and my home and also i have peace and quiet in my own place. Our home is precious and it's not ok for anybody to be disrespectful in that space. Your daughter is unlikely to change her approach to parenting and they are behaving to the limits that she does or doesn't set. While you're with them you can try to make small attempts to improve their behaviour. Could you possibly explain to your daughter that you cannot cope with the children not doing what they are told and ask if she can encourage them to behave and do what they are asked to do while you are looking after them? I wouldn't describe their behaviour as "bad", no parent wants to hear that, even when it is true. Wishing you the very best going forward. Bottom line : enjoy your DGC as much as possible but more importantly look after yourself x

OP you say that the GC are 6, 5 and 2, presumably you've looked after each of them as they've come along, and haven't suddenly been introduced to them, as 6, 5 and 2 year olds?

Assuming that's the case, then I don't really understand why you haven't already instilled rules about how they behave when they're at Nanny's? I too have 3 grandchildren, although all grown up now, but I used to look after them quite a bit from the time they were babies, and so they grew up knowing what was acceptable at Nanny's house, and what wasn't. In fact one Christmas Day their parents left them with me for a couple of hours while Mum went home to get dinner organised, when they came to collect them, we were sitting at the table doing some crafting with their new things. Their Dad stood and observed for a few minutes, and then said "How come they behave so nicely for you, and yet are little horrors at home?" The answer was "I don't allow them to get away with bad behaviour, it's as simple as that". So while I do understand your complaints about their behaviour, I can't help but wonder, why you've allowed them to get to this stage when they're with you, as if you've kept them in line up until now, what has changed? Or have you also permitted their bad behaviour up until now, and are suddenly beginning to see that indulgence when they're young, leads to poor behaviour as they grow older, and have realised that you don't like it?

If you don't want to fall out with your DD, I think your best plan, is to sit the bigger children down, and tell them firmly that their behaviour is upsetting you, and that in future, if they're naughty, or rude / ignore you, etc., then they will be punished, and MEAN IT! Decide in your mind what are suitable punishments for them at the ages they're at, warn them when they start to behave badly, and then implement the punishment if the bad behaviour doesn't stop, but whatever you do, don't make the mistake of threatening something you're not prepared to follow through with.

On the other hand, if you've genuinely had enough, then do what most Grans are advising, and tell your DD that you are getting too old to cope with 3 boisterous kids, and that she will have to find alternative child care.

*They are disobedient and defiant and don’t have much respect for my house /property
Talking to my daughter is out of the question as she doesn’t tolerate any criticism of their behaviour *

The tragic thing for the grandkids, , is that Granny's opinion is not exceptional. It's how society as a whole will view the behaviour their mother condones.

They may have a tough time in the vital early years at school .

Being a disruptive defiant brat in the classroom, often leads to peer unpopularity . Other parents won't invite them to playdates; organisers of out of school activities will ask them to leave. At that stage of education, falling behind in early learning and social development can have longterm consequences.

Yes win you are absolutely right
I think I am scared of her but I wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t for the grandchildren
I am definitely scared of losing them as I know I wouldnt cope with that

Hello astichintime
My daughter doesn’t cope
As simple as that …

Your daughter "doesn't tolerate" any criticism of her children's behaviour - well perhaps she had better look after them herself then. I think at 67, and with your husband in a care home, it is a bit much to expect you to have to deal with unruly children.

I think you need to explain to your daughter that you are finding it very tiring dealing with three small children and that you need to discuss with her how to cut your caring duties down. If she has any sense, she will try to co-operate with you on this - otherwise she will have to find someone who will look after three unruly children on a regular basis - it won't come cheap!

I hope you can get something sorted out with your daughter.
Three small and clearly ‘lively’ children are hard work for one to look after. You need to cut back, it’s really too much,

It sounds like you’re juggling a lot and understandably exhausted. Setting clear boundaries with your daughter might help; perhaps suggest that she arrange alternative childcare sometimes or spend time with them in their own home. Taking small breaks and prioritising your own well-being can make a big difference.

It's not your responsibility to care for them. It's your daughter's. Have them on the terms you feel comfortable with and your daughter will have to like or lump it. Life's too short to be an unpaid baby sitter

Being a grandmother is so much more than being an unpaid babysitter. I don’t get the concept of badly behaved children. Annoying yes. I am very wary of labelling children.
My bunch love being outside and happily enjoy set tasks. Together we have filled two recycling bins of garden waste - and my grandchildren happily help.
It’s normal for siblings to bicker.

Again, OP, what are they doing they are misbehaving?

You have background in this board and some of your expectations in your threads were not always realistic (example - cost of care for your husband)