Grandchildren very badly behaved

Well, sorry, but sod that ! As others have said , your house , your rules.
As much as you may worry as to your daughters reaction to any criticism you must address this surely. No need to be confrontational , simply tell her the reality and how you feel in a calm way.
OK, she may have a strop and tell you you will never see your Grandchildren again. A little time and I bet she will be back on the phone .

Very often (I have observed this) the tiniest child can “pick up” on any signs of a disrespectful attitude toward other family members. This can be through over heard conversations,rows, and witnessing the interaction between their mum/dad and the grandparent. It must come from somewhere musn’t it.

Children will “ape” what they see and hear. And then behave accordingly.
Solution eg:- I communicated my hurt feelings about being continually ignored/disrespected by one GC in my own home -

l mean that at age 6/7 they were completely ignoring me, (not even looking at me) so I told my adult child while we were alone that I wouldn’t care if GC never came to mine at all unless things changed.
The other very noisy but sometimes funny younger sibling was manageable.
After that things rapidly improved. I had genuinely felt that I had nothing to lose apart from a continuing sequence of unpleasant experiences.

May I ask what is badly behaved?

How would you like them to behave?

What is badly behaved you ask.

Disobedience, defiance, lack of respect for OPs home and property. It’s all been described already and is unacceptable behaviour to NJAPF.

I would find that unacceptable too.

I never had my GC en masse - I said from the start it was one at a time, so my DDs mixed and matched with child care. Sometimes they were with my, sometimes in nursery. Even though I did not have them all at once, I still saved them a load of dosh in child care fees!

It is hard for young mothers to grasp that their parents are getting older and the change in energy that goes with this. But you need to tell your DD this. I am assuming that she will be concerned about this.

You can tell her this without having to address the behaviour issue - just say you no longer have sufficient energy.

Having said that, what would happen if you said one of the factors is their behaviour? She needs you for child care help - it is not in her interests to throw her toys out of the pram!

Your house……your rules! You simply must set out boundaries now otherwise their behaviour will never improve. The two older children are old enough to know right from wrong but by continuing to kick off they’re simply teaching the toddler accordingly. How does your daughter cope with them?

Your daughter has free childcare in you and she should respect your home and the way you choose to live. I doubt that she’ll stop the children coming as she would then have to pay someone.

Stand your ground OP.

Most small children are tired out after school and, like tired puppies, become increasingly silly and naughty.
Feed them then sit them in front of TV or iPads to wind down.
Don’t risk serious trouble by criticising the children or their parents.

They're probably normal by today's standards but it would probably be nicer for both you and the children if you had them one or two at a time. Better quality.

I do understand how you feel Notjustaprettyface. I did say to one of my three DD when I looked after my three DGC during Covid that I was having a problem with the eldest (10). Since then I have not been invited to their holiday home. When I ask why I don’t see them very often, I am quoted. However, I don’t have problems with my other two DDs.

You must tell your daughter that you simply cannot put up with their bad behaviour. Suggest she sends them to an after school club or child minder. She's taking you for a mug and this is all down to lack of parental control. I know you love them but there is a point when this has to stop and that's now.

Tell your daughter you’re nit looking after them again unless their behaviour improves. You are sacrificing your health for fear of reprisals. It’s not worth it.

ReadyMeals

They're probably normal by today's standards but it would probably be nicer for both you and the children if you had them one or two at a time. Better quality.

None of my GC are badly behaved with me. They have their moments, but know when they gave overstepped and settle down when told.
I don't think it is about today's standards but about whether their parents are bringing them up properly.

If the stress of potential pushing your DX and GC away is too much, then do what is going to make this situation more tolerable for you. Some good advice here xxx

So sorry to read all of this. And it's difficult to think what to do, if there is the hint that you might lose contact with the children.
What do you think would ease the burden, because a burden is what it has become?
Perhaps explain that you need more time to yourself, for example to visit your husband.
Perhaps that she should begin to look for other child care providers as you no longer feel able to cope with all three.
Coming on here and asking should help you to formulate a plan, just by following the discussion.
Good luck

In my view, bad behaviour is bad behaviour. If they come to you, they need to treat you and your home with respect. It’s important that you don’t feel any sense of failure, stand your ground and regardless of how things are with your daughter, I think you should tell her what you think. Give them a chance to change but if they don’t, don’t look after them. The result may surprise you …..but if not, tell yourself you can do without that kind of stress. I hate it that adult children have their parents over a barrel seemingly, with this childcare stuff. Good luck.

Have a healthy snack and a drink ready for them as soon as they come in.

Our GC always seem to be starving after school, and this could explain their behaviour if they are to use the new phrase hangry

Your DD is setting up future problems with her gentle parenting. Children will push the boundaries again and again and again! If they are not stopped. They need to know who is in charge. They will be happier for it too. I agree with Hazel, a trip to the park to work off their energy is not the answer. Firm words and firm looks are. Its no good trying to reason with them and appealing their kind / sensitive nature- they will take advantage of that. You are doing far too much child care. Decide how muvh you are prepared to give and tell your DD that when they are in hour care the children follow your rules. If your DD doesn't like that see must pay for child care. Stick to your guns and do not be bullied by her or her unruly children!!

Apologies I missed that you had posted you had fed them.

As per mabon2 but I'd agree to try having them one at a time.

We look after our 3 year old grandson one day and night every week. He is well behaved but it requires full on attention during the day and fingers crossed that he doesn’t wake up at 5am. I can’t imagine how hard it must be looking after 3 badly behaved kids. Good luck.

As far as I remember, you've been looking after your grandchildren for years, Notjustaprettyface and now a third one to add to the number! I know it's lovely to see the grandchildren but, quite honestly, you must be exhausted with everything else you've had to contend with.

Presumably your DD has a partner and they both need to step up to the mark and work out a solution, with you, which suits you all. Don't be afraid to mention how you feel.
You are being taken for granted when you need support yourself.

Do you feed them? In your situation I would at least make sure they have no sugar, sweets, chocolate, white carbs, jam, cakes etc. Not even fruit to start with! Sugar will make them worse. If they object, too bad. Don't buy it and don't give in. Wholemeal cheese sandwiches or toast are OK. Hide remotes for the TV and lock other screens away. When they realise you mean what you say they might modify their behaviour and you can discuss rewards for good behaviour. I'd also consider (sounds drastic) putting locks on the doors of rooms you don't want them to enter! See how they like that!
They might start refusing to come though 😂😂😂

Have them one at a time only.
Explain clearly what your house rules are and tell them that if they don't follow them, they won't be visiting again.
You sound as though you have enough on your plate without this.
Your daughter needs to understand that we older folk get tired. She must know that there is a problem. She needs to face reality.

Tell your daughter that you absolutely must do less because you just cannot cope right now.

Don't mention the children's behaviour at all, simply use your tiredness and your husband being in a care home as the reason.

And don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into backing down.

My house my rules, all nine of my grandchildren have known this since babies, they have their moments but that’s all.
I’m afraid you have to put your own health first difficult though that is I know and have a tough talk with your daughter this cannot go on. Be brave and good luck.