Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice

Enough good advice has been given here. We are a wise and supportive lot on Granset!
Just sending flowers and a hug to grasp the courage to talk to your daughter and SIL about the situation.
It cannot continue or you will become ill.
Best wishes for a successful solution
] x

Couldn't believe what I was reading here. You are being used and abused by your daughter
Tell them you can't continue with these hours. Tell them to get a cleaner. Set hours you actually want to do eg 3 days a week, or just mornings. Stop doing cleaning it's not your job.
Tell them it's less hours or not at all.
Stand up for yourself
Best wishes

Well, positive mid-week update. Due to our own car troubles, our son in law has dropped off little one everyone morning and I think now he appreciates me coming to their house. One huge benefit...Grandpa. Yesterday he said to me how he loved spending time with the baby as we never got to when we had our own, we were too busy working. I think that is where I get my sensitivity from - we did not make the money these two do, so we had to work opposite shifts to cover childcare. We were exhausted and missed so much of the fun of raising kids as we were bleary eyed and always worrying about money. I had it in my mind I never wanted my kids to go through that - but this couple makes twice what we do right now, so I hadn't worry about that, and feel more confident speaking up. Back to Grandpa, it was wonderful to see him to connecting to the little guy, oh my what times they will have as he grows up. It will all work out, communication will be key, and if they don't like me, they can fire me. He will be grown and going to preschool before I know it, so I'm going to enjoy this time, laundry, etc. will get done when it gets done. And again, thank you for having me. I found "Reddit" and such forums in the US so entitled, and grandparent bashing, one said I was lucky they let me babysit - sometimes I'm embarrassed to say I'm from the US anymore! Again, many thanks and let's enjoy our babies and the holiday season!

grammiebe you sound much more upbeat today! And empowered 👍🏻
Great news for you and your husband 😊

grammiebe and you can't do their housework and laundry if the baby is at your house! Another positive!

Enjoy your time with him.

I agree with all the other replies, it also sounds to me that you have been taken for granted for years possibly by your husband.
If so do you think you might be lacking in confidence and therefore accepted the way you are being treated.
By the way I think nature tells us we are too old to be looking after babies full time by stopping us from being able to reproduce after a certain age.
Please take your life back before you wear yourself out physically and mentally, retirement is for you time not going through everything you had to do when you had a young family to look after I’m not being rude but most of us wouldn’t have the same energy as when we were young.
I would tell your daughter she has to start doing what most other young mums have to do.
Please look after yourself because it doesn’t sound as if anyone else 💐

Thank you Lesley60, and everyone else. Yes, due to childhood trauma, I am a people pleaser. That's a whole 'nother forum for a different day LOL. I like how you said nature tells us we are too old. That is a great way to look at it (as my go-to emotion is guilt!).

That said...week does not end on a positive note.

Daughter (who leaves for work at 5:30am) just called, and wondered if my husband could drop me off early tomorrow because her husband has an appointment in the morning. Friday is my day to have the baby here, so...why can't her hubby just drop off the baby earlier? Why can't he ask me?

She said he said it's a "hassle" for him, so can you just be here early. I said no. He can bring the baby here earlier if has to be to work earlier. Simple enough?

Omg, I started WW3, again. If they don't like it, fire me. I know my daughter is caught in the middle, as she does all the communicating, her husband is being a (the!) baby, and needs to grow up. For example, I get to their house at 7:45, then he watches TV for half and hour, showers, lollygags, and strolls into work around 9am.

AND, this week we have one car that is being repaired, so my husband would have to get up earlier too, to drop me off, That means me nagging and worrying that he won't get up on time either. Sorry, I digress...but damn, I can't take it.

Daughter was snippy with me because I didn't give in, my husband said "oh don't worry about it", which is his go to emotion to ignore my concerns. He said I was silly to feel like they didn't respect me. Which just makes matters worse.

Is it so bad since I'm providing free childcare, that I ask that they drop the baby off here, and if you have to work early, just drop the baby off early? Why the shit-storm?

These nuances are more and more frequent, things get better for a few days, and then bam, another "special request" from her husband.

They would not get away with that at a regular babysitters, especially with the attitude and snottiness displayed to me when they don't get their way. Would they do that to an employed sitter It almost feels like the husband (baby's father), is testing me, playing games, it's just really weird.

At this point, with all the curve balls thrown at me, lack of respect, and I know I'm being taken advantage of, I miss my other kids and some free time too (I can't even make it to the grocery store or library before they close most days, much less make a doctors appointment), I'm ready to tell them to look for a sitter that can meet their needs.

Since he makes so much money, he can hire a live in nanny to cater to his schedule. It's not me.

Then I can enjoy my time with my grandson and not feel like a drudge!

Again, I apologize for this long post. I have no one else to talk to, and feel like I'm going crazy. You guys have kept me sane and able to take care of the little guy this past week.

I was hoping things were getting better, but here we go round and round again. Time to stop.

Thanks again for listening from across the pond. And feel free to give any advice, even if it's not what I want to hear. I know I'm not eloquent, probably misspell and don't punctuate correctly (especially when mad!).

But Happy Friday from a an artic Wisconsin, on top of everything, we are dealing with constant snow and subzero temps! (And I'm literally getting sick, sore throat and cough) Don't get me started on that...

Hi Grammiebe
I know exactly how you feel, it is hard to say no, especially in your circumstances. I think you need to be a bit sneaky, maybe ring them at 7am and tell them you’re too sick to leave your bed. You may have to pretend to your husband as well, just for 2 or 3 days. Then when you recover, tell them you can only have the baby at your house so your husband can help too, as you feel to dizzy to drive!

FWIW I think you've made the right decision grammiebe. They can hire a nanny and be in no doubt that they wont last a week if they're treated anything like as badly as you are.

Don't be sneaky.
That is a childish and servile attitude.
You've made a good start in the right direction.
I think some grey rock is now needed.
Don't be so involved in what they are doing or why. His behaviour or her demands.
Step off the unmerry
go round.
Stand back. Live your own life.
As they say on Mumsnet
No is a complete sentence.
Alternate with
That doesn't work for me.
Do
Not
Say
Sorry.
Just that doesn't work for me
Full stop. Repeat as necessary. Do not elaborate or discuss why.
Go to the groceries. Go mad. Eat an ice cream in winter. With sprinkles and chopped nuts. All day. Lolling in the ice cream parlour reading your library book. And texting old grannies here there and everywhere.
Venture on to Mumsnet. As long as you don't mind much friuty language and a distinct and quite refreshing lack of niceness and polite pretence.
I think it might be good for you . . .

Thank you welbeck! I will! The true test will be this coming Sunday. My daughter and my husband are putting a new washer/dryer in her condo that she rents out to pay for her student loans. I have discussed "who is going to watch the baby" while they do this, a couple of times to confirm, and she said her husband will do it. OK, end of story. If Sunday rolls around and I get a "hey, could you..."...I have "No" ready to go! I love the little guy dearly, but Grandma needs to recharge.

For example, I get to their house at 7:45, then he watches TV for half and hour, showers, lollygags, and strolls into work around 9am

That really is taking the piss proverbial!

"Just what part of NO don't you understand" is another one to remember.

'You could not muck about with a regular paid baby sitter so why are you trying to muck me around?"

BlueBelle

Sorry but I find this totally unacceptable I wouldn’t be scrutinised as you are if they trusted me so little they could pay top whack and get a full time nanny
Absolutely no way would I be on camera all day watching me like a criminal She leaves you a list of housework you have to do , she’s a cheeky mare
If you don’t want to be truthful and tackle her fully, then tell them you’re too ill to do these hours

She is taking the pee completely

Totally agree, I am shocked with everything the OP has written. It is now time to say your GP thinks you have (make something up) and that you need rest and will at the hospital for tests on several days. Take a breather, as husband is a blabberer go off somewhere on your own or with a trusted friend, wander round some pretty shops, sit in the library and browse, just have time to relax and remember you are retired. As for the camera, words fail me, I would have put a cover over it! 💐🍷🍰

karmalady

Give them a months notice to find a nanny. They are treating you like dirt on their shoes. They don`t love you, nor even care for you. Leave while you still have your health, physically and mentally

Be strong, they are very formal with you so write them a formal dated letter of resignation, just a short one and keep a copy. Book a holiday for the day after the notice period.

Good idea, please take notice OP, you REALLY need a break and some rest,

petra

I couldn’t get past the lack of paragraphs.

Petra, OP is very stressed, paragraphs are not a priority, she is obviously exhausted.

It's good to hear that you are beginning to establish some boundaries, grammiebe, and I have sympathy for your difficulties with your amazingly entitled SIL.
However, I wonder if your being available constantly is contributing to the situation. In your last post, you are anticipating being called for last minute child care, and plan to say " no".
Why are you answering your phone at this time? Could you not be somewhere it needs to be switched off - church, art gallery, coffee with a friend?
Could you be in the wrong place to rush over - an out of town shopping mall, a garden centre a distance away, visiting someone?
I am sad to read of how you are being used for day to day childcare, but a consistent unavailability outside of your " set hours" might make a difference. Good luck.

I agree with all comments on here.
Did you get that call yesterday grammiebe? If so I hope you got to say No for a change. ‘No’ needs practice but with practice, it gets easier.

Grammeibe, you're going to need that health insurance because your daughter and son in law are working you into an early grave. Sorry to be so brutal, but I think you already know I'm speaking the truth. They are taking advantage of you on a shocking level and laughing all the way to the bank. They don't care about you and you're grandson won't remember you if you die prematurely. You must stop this nonsense, the whole thing is ridiculous. Tell them to find paid childcare and a cleaner. You can babysit now and then like most normal grandparents do. Your daughter should be ashamed of herself and your son and law should have a word with the God he supposedly worships.

Monday update: no phone calls for sitting over the weekend! My son-in-law actually watched his son while my daughter worked. But why am I waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let's see how this week goes. I don't want to paint a pretty picture as I've done that before and then boom, something weirder than ever happens, however I don't want to be a Debbie Downer either. So...just going to go about the week, he will be at my place a couple of days and I love that, I can catch up at home on things and enjoy my own space. Otherwise all is well at this time, THANK YOU for keeping me sane, and fingers crossed this week is a good one. Again, many thanks, you all are very empowering, and I don't think I would have had the grace to handle the situation as calmly as I did, without all of you! After all, little Mr. Perfect is what it is all about, I just want to enjoy my Grandson! Thank you for helping me do just that. )

grammie, thanks for the update. Glad all was calm but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared , so practice saying no, it gets easier the more often you say it.

Thank you - and that is a good way to put it. Just be prepared. Be positive, but be prepared! Again, many thanks. I'm hoping to move on to a fun forum...like sharing the many delights of these wee ones! Oh he is fun, and Grandpa is getting in on it too, happy to see that.

grammiebe you're doing your daughter, son-in-law and grandson a huge favour by taking a back seat, even if they don't understand that yet.

The two parents need to get to know their baby and they will do that best by pulling together and hands-on experience.
Their confidence will grow.
Their son will know his rightful place in their family.

You and your husband will be important people in your own right, as grandparents 🥰

petra

I couldn’t get past the lack of paragraphs.

This poor woman is at her wits end and can do without the grammar police.

What a gall these two have! When, not if, you are ill from all this will they step in and help you, guessing not. I'd be ringing them saying with an excuse that you're too ill so they'll have to make other arrangements for a week and let them find out for themselves that they're being totally unreasonable. Sorry but you need to raise the courage to stand up for yourself, make it clear you want to have that special time and bond with your grandchild but that you also need to set agreed boundaries. I do a 12 hour stint one day a week caring for GC which is more than enough so I honestly don't know how you've managed so far. Absolute selfish buggers. Be strong and please let us know the outcome.