Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice

Thank you!

Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but my daughter has always complained that the photographs I send on "snapchat", etc. are of poor quality because of my old phone.

My husband is too cheap to buy me a new phone, not that I couldn't with my own money, but it's not worth the argument. Phone works fine, and I'm used to it. Well...hubbie came home with new phone for himself, which...he seems to get a new phone every six months. I finally said...what the heck.

He fumbled and bumbled, then daughter messages me that I ruined their Christmas surprise as all my kids and husband (we have four grown children) bought me a smartphone for Christmas. My son told me it was my daughters idea...it will take better photographs...

That's great. But...I didn't ask for one. It's something I can buy on my own. My husband just did for himself...and the kids will all get him fun gifts to open for Christmas since he already has a smartphone. I wish phones were for emergency use only! No photos, videos, etc! For babies or otherwise, they annoy the crap out of me.

I keep telling myself I'm very fortunate, some folks don't have enough to eat, have lost loved ones, etc. So suck it up.

But why is it us Moms/Mums always get something practical, much less this is just my daughters way of getting "better hourly pictures" sent to her, and video quality. I'm tired of the technology too, I just want to spend time with baby, not take a million videos and pictures.

And I'm tired. Achy, tired. Sore throat, run down. As ClicketyClick said/understood, I did an 11 hour stint yesterday, then cook and clean at home, and I'm shattered, back at it again today. Besides everything else that needs taken care of. So I'm not in the best mood either.

Christmas isn't about gifts, but this just makes me feel lousy the way this came about. Am I the *hole for feeling this way?

And thanks for the person who stood up for me and my grammar. Not sure I even responded correctly.

Christmas isn't about gifts, but this just makes me feel lousy the way this came about. Am I the *hole for feeling this way?

I know this is a popular American expression but AIBU to find it unacceptable and inappropriate?
Complaints about the quality of pics on Snapchat, ruined surprises of a new smartphone - doesn’t sound like there’s much love lost here.

grammiebie
There’s a very true saying Dont rescue to the point where you have to be rescued
It won’t take 15 minutes to put your daughter and son in law straight and you’ve been fretting for how long now?
Deep breath and tell them.

Thank you - no love lost, is exactly the way to put it, and how I'm feeling, and it hurts, big time. I'm trying to figure something out. a way out, quit whining about it and do something substantial about this whole situation - reasonable, without loopholes, and hopefully with both sides understanding. I mean, Christmas is next week, and I've got to put on the whole thing, which means prep, heck I can hardly get a cheese sandwich put together anymore. So, they asked me if I can work late next week because they have holiday parties. And heck, my husband "needs" a hearing aid. Maybe the kids can buy him one for Christmas since he "needs" it. Thinking cap on, down to business. Thank you for the moral support, it means tons to me.

OMG, poor you. Agree with all other posters

Oh, for late evenings, work parties, etc. I said they need to look into hiring a local teen who can come in for a few hours at night, a trustworthy teen that wants to make a little $$. We did that when we had kids and wanted to go out. They can well afford it.

Well done for saying no. It gets easier with practice.
A good start.

we had a babysitting group of local mums who got together and babysat for each other, it worked well. .

At the right casual moment, I am going to mention/say/discuss if they have thought of getting a nanny who will come in from 7am-7pm. It is really what they need with their odd hours and extracurricular needs (now she needs a massage), which were not agreed upon when I agreed to do this, I was told 8am-4pm, Tues and Thurs mornings off (that went out the window!), and her husband could work from home any time I needed a break or was sick (which he will not do now). I know she will say she can't afford it (they can), but I'm going to say that I don't know if I, as in me, your mother, can, I'd like to be alive to see my grandchildren grow up. End of conversation.

V3ra

grammiebe I'm so glad you've found this forum and let's hope we can help you find a balance that works for all of your family.
At the moment your daughter and son-in-law seem to think they're the only people who matter, and that they can lay the law down with no consideration for anyone else.

This needs to stop.
Rest assured a professional childcarer or nanny would have handed in their notice by now!

Your comment about your grandson coming to your house might not be such a bad idea, though not to live of course.
You'd be in your own comfortable space, presumably with your husband more than at present, and best of all no cameras.
What were they thinking of with that stunt??

My God I couldn't agree more. And rest very assured my Dear as a previous Poster has rightly said this behaviour would in no way be tolerated by a professional childminder or nanny. I find it quite alarming that the young parents of today consider on tap babysitting, nights away and me time as their divine right. Its utterly appalling. I do know of someone whose Daughter had a Baby, unfortunately dear Daughter was doing little with the Baby as they lived at Granny's and Granny was getting up at all hours to deal with the Baby. There came a day when Granny had to move the Daughter and her Baby into separate accommodation as the situation got so bad.

Here it is...another Christmas in the books, and for the past week I've been like whew, get through all Christmas work and...at least I get Boxing Day off, first day in two months, just a Friday here in the US, but my daughter has the day off work and her husband was supposed to as well. They are going to visit my mother-in-law in the morning.

All the sudden...he has to go into work, in the afternoon - which I think is a cop out as his line of work is not busy this time of year, and what...did his boss call him Christmas day to come in? I have met his boss, boss has 4 kids and knows better, and is a really nice guy. I have been told all week husband was off. So my daughter messages me at 9:30pm as I am getting ready for bed, reflecting on a nice Christmas and looking forward to relaxing for a day and then I get...."can you watch grandson tomorrow afternoon so I can run errands". What happened to hubby either off work or working from home. I'm so over the last minute petty crap. It was a very lame errand, picking up new garbage bins. Can be done anytime. They are going to have to save last minute requests for emergencies.

While I'm complaining, I will add, her husband wanted me to work Christmas Eve day - and cook and prepare my own house for 8 people for that same night/Christmas Eve, himself included, I was hosting and had people staying overnight, I said NO, and even daughter was like, that is too much to ask, I think she gets frustrated with his lack of interest in his son, but that isn't my problem and I don't get involved with their marriage.

Had same houseful today and put on full breakfast. My husband actually cleaned up a bit this afternoon as I literally passed out after everyone left and was losing my voice. And his cleaning comes with lectures of "well I would have done this, that or the other thing to make it easier for Christmas". Good, let me record you saying that for next year, of which, you can be responsible!

As I write this I'm like, what world are these two kids from. So, another NO for tomorrow. Please just keep cheering me on as I'm finding myself in the most bizarre situations. I'm not the only one that thinks this is odd, right?

I mean, when we had kids, I had to ask a few days ahead of time, for a good reason, if I wanted my parents to watch the kids. My husbands parents simply did not watch the kids, no if, ands or buts. I mean, you had to be in hospital, foot fallen off or something like that, and then maybe his folks would watch the kids. Otherwise, we took them with us, and I mean everywhere, you just did. Our grandson is 4 months now. He's not a newborn anymore, so I'm not so worried about him catching a cold, etc. so I don't feel obligated if they have to run errands with him.

And, still treating me like "well, we pay your health insurance". That is a whole other story. I had to switch providers (I had my doctors for about 25 years), to get on a different plan they liked. It costs more per month ($500 US dollars), but no deductible. Which is better for them. Her husband had a fit that I had a $700 visit, blood work, etc.

Even with that, I'm still in the negative if you want to get into no wages and the money I'm saving them. Much less convenience.

My husband doesn't help in that he doesn't want to pay my health insurance either (I just as well get a "real" job then, is his point of view), so he worships the ground they walk on (he doesn't work for them either though...and has Medicare). He retired, and is working on the side for people who worship the ground he walks on...a whole other story there too.

I am digressing, but I am behind on a lot of healthcare issues (colonscopy - my dad had colon cancer, so I'm at high risk), dental work, etc. and it hurts that I'm such a "burden", to my daughter and her husband, and my own husband, when somehow, we have enough money to buy a rental investment from his lovely flirty lady boss, and we buy anything else hubby wants. He runs his credit card up to 3000$ per month. Granted he works on the side, and always pays it off every month, but...I retired from a good job, and have a nice pension, that covers all the bills, that is all my money has every went for, he has the fun. I have to justify every grocery I have bought. I should probably join another forum for this complaint, sorry!

Ok, I'm sounding like a whiner here, but had to get this off my chest. I'm 60, no back bone, but slowly getting one, late bloomer haha. Please keep supporting me to say no and keep my sanity, and to speak up more as well. I'm working towards being on a forum simply to post what fun I had today with my grandson.

Hope you all had a good holiday, I do have so much to be thankful for - all of you included! I feel like I'm drowning and you all are keeping me afloat. Thank you so very much.

You need to read and reread everything written here and remember to keep saying No. You know it makes sense, you are being taken for granted by the people who should be looking out for you.
The medical situation in the US fills us here in the UK with fear, it sounds a nightmare. Look after yourself because it seems no one else does. Just say No.
Here’s to a better new year.

Thank you so much. You know, I do keep re-reading! This is more support than I have ever gotten. For some reason, whatever "generation" my daughter is in, it is very entitled, and we as grandparents here in the US, are expected to wait and serve our children.

We saw that trend coming in the 80-90's when we were raising our kids and did not give into it. All our kids had jobs, and I made sure at least one job made them clean toilets. We made sure they had manners to everyone, not just upper crust people. All our kids did well, and it served them well to have manners when getting good careers.

That said, I guess that is why I'm a bit shocked at this behavior out of my daughter. We will straighten it out with grace, but oh, this forum IS my backbone. Thank you again.

Glad to hear you're learning to say no. Keep a post it note by your phone with a big fat NO on it as a reminder or else they will continue to wear you down. I still can't believe the cheek of them, especially SIL. Then again, DH sounds like he had a selfish side as well. You need to start treating you to something new and then. Keep staying strong grammiebe and I really hope 2026 works out better for you.

Thank you! I guess the "kicker" was Christmas Day when I went to hold my grandson, and my daughter said "oh no you can't, you get him 40 hours a week". And I was like...ok, I guess I am the hired help.

And if you want him so bad on your days off, why are you calling me a few hours later to see if I can babysit the next day, your day off...

grammiebe, im really sorry your daughter treats you so appallingly. This is about the worst thing I've read online.

She and her husband are awful human beings. You've raised a monster. Im sorry. But please...find your anger. Find your dignity. Find your self respect.
And remember who is the parent here. You must say no to them. You must be the parent.

Sssd...I have to say, I agree. I always give myself 24 hours so I don't have a knee-jerk reaction, but Christmas...I just felt like, the nanny. Every time he needed his diaper changed, it was a family joke that now we could give him to "grandma". Otherwise, no holding, cuddling, pictures, etc. Things are going to have to change, myself included. I'm taking the easy way out by just talking about it, I need to DO something about it. I want to approach all the dynamics with dignity, I know I won't be reciprocated, both my daughter and husband are "hot heads", however I will take the high road, what happens, happens.

I think you need to change your mind set.
You describe in detail their behaviour.
You seem unable to see the wood for the trees.
You have been ground down by people assuming they are in charge of you.
Possibly going back long before these two.
You've taken on a subservient role.
Why change the diaper when they expect it. ??
Why not just laugh and say firmly
I don't think so.
When they or your husband or whoever... says jump
It's not the case that your only option is to plead or negotiate as to how high.
You could say
you jump. I don't care to.
Is your pension paying all household bills?
I hope not.
All the best for the new year.
Onwards and upwards.
Oh and just a thought.
One would almost wish to be a worm to see that delicious moment of sheer astonishment when they see you turn.

No, I’d just say no. No excusesd needed. Just no. 🤷‍♀️

Happy New Year Folks! OK, well...small update, they went to his parents last weekend for Christmas, and came back, quite different. Son-in-law was very nice to me, asked what I wanted him to buy for me to have for my lunch, etc. while I watch grandson, worked from home but said to get him anytime I wanted to leave, and they made us a grand dinner last night for New Years.

Oh! And Tuesday, I was too sick to babysit! No fibbing, really, no if, ands or butts, put my foot down, down and out will a cold. So my husband watched the little guy and all was well. Haven't had any last minute requests for sitting for stupid reasons. But it's only been a week, I'll still be holding my ground.

Maybe this will indeed work...let's see what 2026 holds. I still have more speaking up to do, but slow and steady wins the race...thanks for pushing me along! Much love for 2026 to all of you.

Well done, glad things seem to be improving but it’s early days so keep ‘holding your ground’.
Here’s to 2026.

Exactly - next week could be a a complete flip. One day at a time. Holding ground here! Thanks for the support!

Happy new year grammiebe. Do you think while at his parents that they realised how much you do compared to them or that his parents may have commented on them burdening you?