Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice

Happy New Year to you as well, and everyone, I owe you an update as you all got me through to the end of the year! If anything, I think that they realised how much we do compared to them. His parents are very cold - and have 5 other grands so do not have the time (and reasonably so) to dote on wee one as we do. I think our son in law really enjoyed Christmas at our house, we have fun, laugh, relax. Not so much at his parents. His sisters may have told him about the price, logistics, and illnesses at their daycare as well (?).

Either way, yesterday - I sent both daughter and son in law a Snapchat of grandson laughing and giggling...and my son in law conceded "oh my god he loves you, you spoil him". And today, when his Dad came home, little guy just follow me around with his eyes, and he is getting to the point where he figures out I'm leaving and gets a bit pouty!

My grandson lights up and laughs when I show up, oh that is the best feeling, you feel so wanted and needed. He is getting so much more animated as he is growing. I'm in love.

And...my daughters patients tell her their nightmare stories about their daycare sicknesses - one had influenza, among other contagious diseases. She said how grateful she was I was caring for little mister, and I took the opportunity to say that is great, but I know I don't offer the educational support a daycare center would and she was just like...oh Mom...you are doing MORE than a daycare would.

My son in law are communicating so much better. I told him straight out to let me know if he has to work early or late ahead of time if he possibly can and I can accommodate (or not), then the last minute requests won't be so bad. So we kind of go over the schedule either the weekend before or on Monday.

They finally put a rocking chair in the living room next to their big picture window...oh little man just loves to be rocked.

And having my husband help has been a Godsend. Planning on a walk tomorrow as the temperature here should be 40 degrees ABOVE zero! Yay!

Now if this all changes for whatever reason, I'm learning to stand my ground as my ground is not that hard, I've been very patient and I think they realised that. I'm hoping we were going through a period of adjustment.

So...hoping that other shoe won't fall, but will keep pace with everyone growing.

Thank you so much all of you - I'm one lucky Grandma!

And please forgive typos and bad grammar...I AM still one tired grandma, and probably always will be, but...it's a happy tired ;o)

I am far more concerned about the amount of work you’re being asked to do than the nanny cam. Yes I understand it’s “insulting” but also I can’t imagine a new mum who had to leave her two month old child for 12 hours a day. I’d have needed a camera with constant viewing just to survive it. I assume you are in the us because you mention dollars - the lack of leave new mums get us appalling.
Regardless the rest is far too much t expect of you and it’s clear you’re not physically up to the task. That is okay. Just let them know they’ll need to find other arrangements that it’s too much for your physically, because it is. And nanny cam or not, that won’t change

Yes, here in USA, they make us go back way too fast. I remember when I had my third child, back in the '90's, I came home from the hospital and felt physically very well, mentally I was like, why don't i just go back to work now so I don't get too attached because I only had 6 weeks at home post-partum. It is heartbreaking.

And I know she misses him, but yes - its the cam, psychologically, I'm on edge, ALL DAY. Even on good days.

As positive as I try to be, I'm very run down by end of week. I put in 12 hours today. And then I get overtired, and like today...little guy had vaccinations the day before, and was miserable today, I had to hold him all day because she didn't want to give him Tylenol (he had a fever! Give him some damn Tylenol!)...oh "it teaches them to work out their pain". I felt so bad for him. Then the husband is mad at me because I was holding him all the time, the only way to comfort the poor baby.

And...the proverbial shoe on the other foot is slipping...I was "repremanded" because they thought they saw some residue on a bottle I had washed. Kinda petty when I'm doing all this and cleaning, and laundry, for free. And I'm not the only one that washes bottles...

But yes, bottom line, I'm exhausted. No one can see it, but I TELL THEM I AM. Husband, the rest of my family, the grandsons parents, tell me to "get in shape". I'm 5 feet two inches tall and weigh 160 pounds. I'm not fat, not skinny. They have told me to get on the treadmill in their basement.

Whatever, all I know is that I could muster the stamina, if I felt more appreciated. My husband is a retired handyman and now he is choosing to have tea and sit and gossip with one of his female "bosses" (he has told me he has to to keep in good with her (?), and of course she is very wealthy, praises him for every little thing he does, is an old flirt (he loves it) and today he came home boasting about how her son bought a 4 million dollar mansion. That is a whole other story for another day. Working on the side after his retirement has brought in nice money, but his love of this other family has eroded our relationship.

So then there is me, who retired from a very decent well paying job, that alot of people would be thankful to have, and I worked my way up the ladder honestly, but...I'm in the plastic kiddie pool with a hose comparatively in his eyes. I can't compete will millionaires.

Oh boy. What a week! I'm afraid of next week now.

Thanks for listening, I know these are "first world problems", and I should be grateful for what I have.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, between home life, US news and government, it has not been good here. I am envious of the country you live in on top of everything else!

While I'm whining...I come home...and husband expects me to make dinner, while he has been sitting around on the laptop...seriously...I'm ready to check into a hotel, and see how this lot would cope without me.

After some sleep, I have to come up with a game plan for some major changes.

Thanks again for letting me vent.

My advice, let them pay the entire price of childcare elsewhere!

You’re this child’s grandmother not a servant or employee and you should absolutely should not be subjected to a nannycam! I’m appalled

PS Check into a nice hotel for two weeks, switch off your mobile and simply text your husband once a day to let him know you’re ok.

Have a spa day, nails done, massage, whatever floats their boat!

You are doing too much, you are exhausted, your daughter and husband expectations are far too high.
Why are you still cleaning and doing laundry?
Why does your husband expect you to cook dinner after all that, while he has sat about ?
You know the answer. . It’s up to you to change things, everyone else is very happy with the status quo.
The hotel or a visit to a distant friend is a good idea.
You are being taken advantage of.
Its in your hands. Courage.

Just, how dare they? This has to stop.

Thanks for the support, I have made some progress with you guys encouraging me to be fair to myself, but I have to take it further, as I am seeing regression, sliding back into their comfort zone.

And of course, she messaged me that as soon as they gave him Tylenol (first thing when she got home), he was fine. They are all up and chipper this morning. I'm shattered...I need my weekends to recharge.

Husband - he is up and out of the house too. Why am I the only one with no energy (I'm saying that sarcastically). Yet, everyone puts me down because I'm "always so tired".

Its like I have to have an intervention with them and sit them all down.

I thought my husband was going to help more, but that must have been a good show for the holidays. And no one sees what I do as a real job...and its making me sour. I really do think I'm going to have to sit everyone down.

Thanks for letting me verbalize this situation and help me find answers.

As you can tell, I am a people pleaser, raised from childhood with a berating mother, so always afraid of people being mad at me, this is all very difficult for me to navigate.

However, at my age - I can't do this. I almost have a sense from my family of "how much can I get away with". And...my husband is a shouter. Minute I sit down to have an intelligent conversation, BOOM...you are crazy, I'm out of here...you know the drill.

Pretty soon, I'm going to be out of here!!!

Thanks again, I'm going to try not to ruminate over this for a the weekend at least, and...work on my backbone.

If nothing else, at the heart of this, at least my grandson was comforted all day yesterday until he got some medicine in him. Either Mom or Dad would have had to take off work, or daycare would have just let him cry. Learning lesson from his mom that Tylenol can be used for a fever...but at her son's and my expense.

Again, thanks for listening - stopping now, and going to take it easy this weekend. I hope you all do too! Snowing here!

Stand in front of the mirror imagine a conversation with your daughter or husband and practice saying NO. Repeat and repeat and the more you do it the easier it will get.
Decide what help you can reasonably do, give them a start date, maybe next month, and stick to it.
Doing what you do, yet being criticised and picked on about weight, being tired , watched constantly by a web cam is unkind and uncaring.
Maybe see a doctor to get checked.
I am sorry. Hope you have a peaceful weekend.
It’s been snowing here too.

Thank you for the advice about the mirror talk - I will try it!

I wanted to add too, my daughter is a doctor, so thinks she "knows best". Well, us old moms (I've had four children), sometimes know best too. Tylenol for a fever, and they a fine in a jif. She doesn't believe I have migraines either, even though I have had MRI, etc. and have an official diagnosis.

That said, sometimes, I feel like I'm taking the brunt of raising her son, and I've got the post-partum blues! I'm over-tired, gaining (even more) weight, don't know what day it is, etc.

I did sign up for this, to help her out, so she wouldn't have to have it as hard as I did. If my mother or mother in law would have lifted a finger to help back in the day I would have fainted. I had the blues, very bad, as I was very alone raising my family, husband and I both worked opposite shifts to make ends meet. I worked full time and raised the kids as well. Husband helped while I worked, but...you know how that goes, he pretty much let the kids run wild.

Ok, I am digressing. I should have realised that she is not in the same situation I was - she has the money and resources to make life easier for herself and her family, which I am happy for her. But, thus enters the entitlement, and lack of gratitude. So much of that here in the US.

Every once in a while I'll let it slip about how nice she has is in comparison, I'm GLAD she doesn't have to suffer like we did just to have a family, but she just rolls her eyes, and pretty much tells me to shut up, that hurts.

I'm glad she doesn't have to experience the tough times, but, she should show compassion for those that had them, and still do. If that makes sense.

Only our firstborn, and our first daughter have a sense of how hard their dad and I worked, and understand.

Ok, now I'm having tea with all of you...sorry for the long chat. As you can tell, I'm lonely too!

Much love from all of you, and I see on the weather station you have snow too! It is pretty!

I have done childcare for a baby Gdd, and TBH neither my dd nor my SiL would ever even have thought of installing a nannycam.

If I were you, OP, I’d be very tempted to pour myself a large G&T and knock it back in full view of the wretched camera, and probably light a fag, too. But then I’m thoroughly 😈.

If they don’t entirely trust you to look after their baby, why are they entrusting him to you? As for leaving lists of chores to do, I’d tell them to stuff that up their jacksies, too. If I used to feel like doing the odd job to help dd and SiL, I’d do it, but it was never expected.

I imagine Tylenol is the same as our Calpol. It was around 50 years ago when I had my first baby. I never really needed to use it but was aware it was helpful.
If your daughter is a doctor she must know it is a commonly used, tried and tested medicine for many years, so why did she not allow you to use it to help your gs, but gave it to him on her return from work?

Witzend...oh a G&T sounds delightful! But yes, silverlining48...it was just kind of a slap in the face to not let me use the Tylenol during the day, then oh its fine once she got home and had to deal with it. And not so much as an apology today, which would help so much. Something like...sorry you had such a long day, my bad! But she is like her Dad, can't admit a mistake, and no guilt in their conscience. It just hurts.

And now tonight, I am just not going to her house for football party. Too tired. My neck and arms ache from holding baby, and it's given me a migraine. All I can hear in my head is baby music as I played it all day yesterday.

Of course my husband will go over to her house, be a Grandpa, enjoy time with him, and leave.

I'm too tired from being "The Help". Oh I can so identify with that movie!

Taking a nap this afternoon, but have to make a plan to not be the help, and be the Grandma. This put me over the edge.

Well I talked to daughter and told her a little tylenol would have prevented him from having to suffer all day Friday, just listen to me once in a while, I do have some experience, said nicely and politely, it would make me feel so good to contribute good advice. Deaf ears, she's a doctor, which trumps a mother. And I told her having a schedule ahead of time is great, but is doing no good if husband constantly has to "work late", especially when baby is sick. I just as well wait until she comes home at 6:30pm. However, this can all work out very well and be even fun with give and take from both sides. Pretty much fell on deaf ears again. Will have him at my house more so at least I'll have some comforts if he has a bad day or I'm not at my best. Talked to husband about helping more, lots of talk, but actions speak louder than words, we will see. Told him we will have a written schedule of who makes dinner, cleans etc. at our own home. Back to basics like children, I basically have to make him a chore chart. Why can't people see when someone needs help. So easy for some, not for others.

Please get your life back! This sounds a nightmare, and you're stuck in it. Nanny cam, no way! One thing for professionals but not for granny.

If you have him at your house make sure you dont agree to a web cam which will allow you to relax a bit more.
You have had 7 pages of advice, read it through when you need to and good luck.

grammiebe

Please, please be strong and set out your own rules now, and keep to them.
Imagine how much worse this will get if/ when another baby (or even several) comes along and the unreasonable demands on you multiply!

Every time I read your updates my heart sinks a bit more for you. When I read that she's a doctor my first thought was that you'd expect her to have some compassion and be able to comprehend that all this s...e is placing stress and strain on you. If she things nothing of treating you so badly then you have to think how she treats her patients (strangers). You really need to remove yourself for a while, even if only for a few days. There must be somewhere or something you've aways wanted to see or do and treat yourself for a change . You've said before DH has his treats. It really isn't that hard to do things solo if you put your big girls pants on- preferably before that well deserved G & T.

If they want things formal, give them formal. So send them a letter by registered post (so that they cannot claim they didnt receive it ) stating that you will no longer be able to continue with this system from X date, and make sure that you dont waver by organising to be away for at least a week from that date. Either just go somewhere to rest and recuperate from this latest hassle, or alternatively go on a little course that you have always fancied doing, painting writing whatever appeals. Just that the course might help you to remain strong and if they ring with supposed emergencies or desperate need for their own selfish ends, you can tell them that you cannot let people down and will not be around until Y date.

After that I would let the air cool for a little while and then think how and when you would like to see your grandchildren as granny (not slave or servant) and if it suits you , you could offer to have a regular day or morning or afternoon when you will be with them or take them out somewhere. However this has to be made clear to the parents that this will basically depend on how you actually feel physically, and that they cannot make assumptions that you will change all your life to suit them. Think who amongst your own friends that you admire and who seem to be very level headed and tell them what has been going on, and I am sure that they will be a great support to you and think that your daughter has a cheek to behave like this.

Dont forget, if you let yourself be blackmailed into doing things for them, by the suggestion that they wont let you see or be involved with your grandchildren, this will be a sword of damacles hanging over your head, and you will be constantly worried about what and how you are doing things. At the worst , even if they will not allow you to be involved with them in a normal relationship at the moment, children grow up and they will make their own decisions and you will form your own relationship with them in the longterm that your selfish daughter cannot manipulate. If you can just be your normal self and not be tired and stressed and constantly worried, your grandchildren will get to know and love you. Lovely if it can be now, but in the long term I think not only will you be doing the right thing for you and your husband, but actually showing the grandchildren how to behave and to respect every individual. There are more ways of skinning a cat as they say. If the grandchildren are not brought to see you, can you check if they go to the swimming pool, or eventually a park or are part of a team of something and you can happen to also be there. The swimming pool I find is a very good idea as you can all swim at your own pace, but enjoy playing around with each other. We are all here for you and if you need reminding how right you are, just come on here and have a chat. I hope that all goes well and your daughter starts to realize that she has behaved in an extremely rude and insulting way, and with a bit of luck (if she has any friends ) one of her own friends will tell her how badly she is behaving and make it clear that it is no way to treat you or her children. Good Luck and start looking for those courses or the chance to go somewhere you have always meant to visit but not been so far.

Thank you - yes, I have seven pages of support! Trust me, I re-read these when I need to put my big girl pants on.

First, I said - nanny cam gets turned around. You want to see wee one, just shout out HI like you always do and we will turn it around and chat. That way I'm not "watched" all the time.

One down, many to go...

Now I'm just venting - this would probably be better on a US site, as it deals with insurance, but just feeling very low as daughter made me change health insurance, now my husband doesn't want to pay prescription coverage and has his hair on fire about that, she doesn't want to either but did anyone take time to sit down with me and choose a plan that worked for everyone? No, just take whatevers cheapest. In the US that can mean that you will be hit with hidden costs later. Like no prescription coverage. Husband just bought a new truck yesterday, but is weeping about a $900 deductible for prescriptions. Daughter is telling me that if I took better care of myself I wouldn't need prescriptions. I have migraines. And I wonder why...

I really just feel like getting a job at the local store, then I'd have insurance, and the lot of them could stop crying. Everyone loves me until I start costing them money. I don't want to play victim, but this treatment is the worst from all sides. I worked a good job for 40 years, carried my husband at times when he was out of work with my insurance, etc.

I really kinda want out of all this, especially if it is so hard on everyone to spend a dime on me. What has been said has been said. They literally argued about how one is saving to buy into partnership at her clinic, and husband just is plain an ass about spending a penny on me.

I'm saving daughter $$$$ on childcare, and the hassle that comes with out of home care, which she cannot understand, and husband has shown I'm not a priority.

Exit strategies anyone?

Hey folks - you have already given me alot of exit strategies. I apologize, I'm using this more as a journal. I'm thinking out loud to all of you, and I appreciate that you listened.

My thoughts - tell daughter to start looking for full time care, and I will have some suggested centers ready. Grandson is 4 months, soon to be 5 months - it will take awhile to get in to a daycare, but by that time, he should be ok with a daycare. Since I'm only saving them about $500 US dollars a month, the payoff of a highly trained, professional and educated day care provider would be worth it for them. I'm tired of trying to justify why I make a good sitter. It's degrading.

I'll watch him until they can find care. Hopefully he doesn't lose too many brain cells in that time. (I won't say that...).

This is going to be really hard for me to do.

One of my sons backs me completely. I broke down and talked to him as to get a neutral opinion and he said he has watched this entire thing and they are behaving like babies themselves.

And...I stop and get coffee on my way to their house, our small town shop would be a delightful place to work, and I hear they have good benefits.

Because for the love of God, husband would hate to have to spend a dime on my medical care.

That is Step 2. If he can't part with money for health care now, what am I looking at as we age. It scares me. I don't need to beg for healthcare, as I have made more money than him most of our married years.

So, first things first.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Hey, I'm just hopping on this thread and haven't had time to read details, but from what I am gathering, there is very little consideration for you as a person.

Seems everything is all about them. I recognize this because I am also a people pleaser and it has gotten me just about as far as you.

What you said about your daughter blaming you for your migraines?

Blame the victim?

I'm to blame for everything too. You said your husband is a shouter.....mine too. I think the father's attitude towards the wife tends to form these sort of children.

I've learned this too late I'm afraid, and sounds like you have too. It is extremely hurtful. My daughter WAS still good to me, despite that, until her husband left her and now I"m the thorn in her side. I cannot do anything right and she has criticized me in front of her own children.

She has gotten possessive of her son who is 8 now; it was he and her who were left (5 year old granddaughter was in utero). He used to adore me but these days I've seen that she's worked on him to the point I am not much to him, at least for the moment.

I'm not being paranoid because both of them have mentioned things and when I ask where does this come from, they tell me their mom said it.

Both of them have told me and now lately, my grandson bought into it. He and I were so very close, but now he tends to shun me a bit. I"m heartbroken, but I am hanging on hoping he will get over it.

My 5 year old granddaughter tells me she knows mommy is wrong. But still, I wonder how much she feels that.

I hadn't confronted my daughter, let it go until my grandson started shunning me. So when I did, she denies and says that she is allowed to mention things she disapproves of, things I did in HER childhood. Which I have no idea, other than my husband was a yeller, but that was always targeted at me not her.

But somehow now it's that I abused her (by not stopping him?) Like I even could. Can you stop your husband from yelling? I bet you've tried and cannot either.

Scapegoating life's disappointments to the "people pleaser" is pretty darn easy, right?

I wish I had an answer for you about this, because when people use you and then shun you over petty things, it hurts

Standing up for yourself, like I finally did, just lead to twisting the situations and words and suddenly I was the bad guy.

Your situation doesn't sound as bad as mine, but beware. These kind of people can and will turn on you. If I had known, one thing would be that I wouldn't have been honest and would have been more discreet, less willing to do offer things that I thought would be helpful , but ended up being resented and then told I was trying to cause trouble in whatever the situation was!!

It feels like an alternate world how things have ended up with my daughter, and now my grandson, but he's only 8 so maybe there is a chance again with him; I am going to work on it. But not with my daughter, I give up; I will be civil but I have vowed I will never get involved if she needs help with something. I truly believe right now I'd be estranged completely from her and her kids, if not for her dad and brother being caught in the middle of that.

It is devastatingly hurtful, knowing I once had a daughter who used to love me but now can barely stand me. But, on the bright side, a bit freeing , in a way.

Because I have lost all that "mom" anxiety with her...,,like for example, how I cried for a straight year almost non stop when her husband left her. I felt for her so much.

Now the anxiety of worrying about what happens in her life has just vanished. I love her but I'm to the point that I do not cry for what's happened to her anymore and I think if anything else bad happens in her life, I know I won't cry, I won't worry anymore.

I actually think I've lost a portion of the intense love I had for her over what she's done, which is astonishing to me since both my kids were literally my life.

And I am betting if she knew this, she wouldn't care. She might even like it, so she can justify her own coldness towards me these last 6 years since her husband left.

The way I felt about her, the center of my life and also my son and grandkids, I just pause everyday and wonder how this could all be possible.

Just be careful. Make sure you cover yourself; do not leave yourself open to blame, do put yourself first because sounds like you are really all you have......that's the curse of the people pleaser, because at some point we are taken advantage of and tossed aside when we can't please to the higher expectations.

I wish I knew before. I would have protected myself better, even if it meant lying, cheating, dodging, whatever it took to not open myself up to blame. I trusted way, way too much.

My end thought is that the only person you can count on, that you can trust, is yourself. Invest in you. Take care of yourself because nobody else is going to.

Now the pain I feel, I cry all the time. My hope is that my grandson will start enjoying my company again, rather than just being present, just like we used to and that my granddaughter will continue to be leary of what mom says.

Hopefully, my daughter will curb that, now that I have exposed it, although she tried to throw it back on me and denied the toxic things she did concerning my grandkids.

If so, maybe I have a chance to have grandkids at least. My daughter isn't a concern anymore, I know where I stand. If that were to change I'm not sure I would trust it anymore.