Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

It's a wind up.

No, I think the answers on here should give you pause for thought.

Perhaps you are doing too much for your family and getting stressed.

Did your mother calling you a horrible child leave you with doubts about yourself as a person? It was very unkind and undermining.

Now you are doing the same to your grandchild.

Time to take a step back and have a rethink.

Notjustaprettyface
I think you just lost your temper with your GD because you were tired and I’m sure you didn’t mean what you said for a minute. The best thing you could do now, as others have said, would be to apologise and admit to your daughter that you lost your temper and of course you didn’t mean what you said and how you regret saying it at the spur of the moment. Also, if you can get to see your GD apologise to her and tell her how much you love her. If you can’t get to see them face to face perhaps write each of them a letter. I’m sure it will all blow over soon if you do that.
Good luck.

What help is it that you are looking for? Most of us would not agree with calling a grandchild names. Your daughter didn't come to the meet up because she isn't prepared to let this go without apology or acceptance it was wrong because it may happen again. So you either do the right thing and apologise or accept that the relationship and the trust it once had will not be the same again.

Perhaps calling your grandchild that brought back some difficult memories for your daughter of how you spoke to her and seeing her daughter labelled in such a way made her stop and think.

keepingquiet

It's a wind up.

Sadly not, I trawled through OP’s previous threads.

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

Notjustaprettyface

Gransnet is not an echo chamber, I am sad that you cannot reflect and understand the consequences of your behaviour.

I would love to see the response from Mumsnet, you would need a hard hat and a full suit of armour.

Your daughter no doubt knows you well enough to know that you will never apologise.

It’s a shame that you are unable to do that simple thing.

She does sound horrible, I would not put up with her behaviour, my Grandson played me up one day and in the heat of the moment I said he was horrible. Have none of you never said anything in the heat of the moment, or are you all perfect.

Ignore your daughter, it stings because she is bringing up an obnoxious child and the truth hurts. She is also ignorant to just not turn up to a previously arranged event. I wonder where the Grandaughter gets her behaviour from?

I have 3 Grandchildren, and I was not a perfect Grandmother. My Grandchildren love me, and believe it or not, what I called them had no lasting affects.

I hope this is not a wind up, but I really would not give what you said a second thought, your daughter should have listened to your side of the story, and told that child off.

I would never ask for advice like this on any forums, as you get far too many judgy people.

Reading through some past posts you have had troubles with your son, your daughter, your husbands nurses and his care home management, and your grandchildren which in another thread you say all are badly behaved … do you ever reflect on the common denominator?
Have you always been like this or is it brought on by worry, stress, loneliness and too much child care in which case I feel empathy for you, but if it’s your personality (perhaps brought on by tough handling in your own childhood ) do look for some counselling, some help to get this all out of your head so your family can see a softer side to you
I know you haven’t liked my previous answers but I haven’t written to be hard, I hoped you might look a bit deeper inside yourself and realise there are other ways to be happier.
I hope things can get easier

NJAPF - I’m sorry you haven’t had much support or understanding here. We have all said and done things that seem awful in hindsight. We are human. I certainly have.
Years ago when my little GD was crying for her mum and wouldn’t sleep, I raised my voice and said ‘no point in crying D, your Mum is away for the night, and won’t be back till the morning’. Later, I think I took her into my bed and she dropped off to sleep. She is now 23 years old .
None of us are perfect parents or grandparents……

Bluebelle has a point, regarding stress.
I think I was quite an ‘uptight’ person during my separation and subsequent divorce - stress can make anyone bad-tempered.

Thank you rachifagran
That’s exactly how I feel
The child is being brought up obnoxious and she is never reprimanded for her actions
She’s allowed to decide everything at the age of 5 !
As for my daughter , we have never been close , she doesn’t really care about me , o think she just uses me
She’s never kind and has no compassion even though she knows my situation with her dad in a care home is far from enviable
I don’t want to apologise to her , I don’t know what to do
I love the youngest grandchild and if it wasn’t for him , I think I would cut all ties with her now

Bluebelle
I stand by what I have said ; maybe you haven’t got experience of how unfriendly nurses and manageresses in a care home are ?
Trust me , it’s dreadful
The 3 grandchildren who I said were very badly behaved are the same ones as in this latest instalment
I love them very much but they are being brought up without boundaries and it is starting to cause problems
Yes I did have a few problems with my son but he is sensitive and he cares and we have sorted it now
His daughter , my other grandchild is very well behaved
My daughter is cold and not at all what I would have liked
She uses me and abuses my good will and I am scared that if I say no I won’t see the children again
And btw I have been to counselling to try and improve relationship with daughter but it hasn’t worked .
So it’s difficult to see the way forward
Yes I am stressed and depressed and lonely and there isn’t that much support out there …

I think it’s hard when you have definite ideas about how life should be, including how children should be brought up. As grandparents these days, it does seem we’re often expected to ‘put up and shut up’ for lack of a better way of saying it. However, in this case, I think I’d bite the bullet and say to my daughter, I’m sorry I lost my temper, I’ve felt tired and stressed, and can I apologise to both of you. I really didn’t mean it. I’m not a fan of texts but if your relationship is such, you may have to do it by text. It sounds like your life is difficult, with your husband in a care home…and understandably you are looking for kindness and affection from your family yourself. You may need to back track a bit, tell yourself that to receive all the love that you want and need, you must put some out there first…even if it feels initially painful. Then, you will reap the ‘rewards’.
As for this forum, it’s great for a lot of things but we live in a harsh world where empathy and sympathy isn’t always forthcoming and this is just a slice of it….

BlueBelle

*As long as there’s no physical violence, it can’t do them harm but if u feel u can’t help , that’s fine ,you dont need to reply*

Well even that post shows a rather sharp, rude retort
Your behaviour sounds really quite out of order, she’s only a little 5 year old, and you obviously can’t cope and to tell a child she is horrible really isn’t on, I m not surprised the mother is not rushing to be with you today
Obviously you can’t cope with three children sleeping over. So be honest and tell your daughter you can’t manage them all late and night and have them singly for sleep overs

I’d wager anyone who can’t get to 10 pm without a calling me a very small
Child a horrible little girl shouldn’t be having any children overnight. And I’m shocked she can’t comprehend her daughter not happily heading
Off to the cinema today with her.

Notaprettyface Thanks for the last post I feel that is the first time you have connected with me without your hackles going up,
Just to tell you I had my lovely mum in a care home for 7 years visiting her every day after work, and trying hard to protect her, (it was not a bowl of roses) She had dementia was totally deaf , very little sight and loss of mobility (and had a horrible end of life) All this whilst keeping a close eye daily, on my Dad now living on his own and missing and worrying about my mum, and helping out with two very young grandkids whose Daddy had just died, (I m divorced so a lone woman) so please don’t think I haven’t had my share of stress in my life.

I feel from your previous messages you are damaged by all
of your stress and have grown a huge hard shell to protect yourself by blaming everyone else including a difficult 5 year old.

You really need to heal yourself and I m not surprised counselling didn’t work for you because up to now you are not wanting to ‘see’ that you need help and for counselling to work you have to be prepared to see your own faults and your own part in any difficulties and any damages done. You have to step back from your own self preservation.

The way forward…. get help it’s not a weakness to seek help, and it’s won’t be a short term solution either .
Please first see your doctor and when doing so, take your suit of armour off and allow yourself to be truthful. You do need help badly, before you completely crack. and if you do have any counselling you need to realise they may not always say what you want to hear, they may challenge your thought patterns and you won’t like that at all.

Do you have friends or a friend that you can turn to, a shoulder to cry on, you need to allow your sadness out, but most of all you need humility and admittance to your own weaknesses.

I m being honest with how I see it I m not trying to blame or hurt you.

If we would like to teach a child what behaviour is wrong and how to apologise and take responsibility then the example must be ourselves.

I share the view that you were out of order to speak to the GC like that - I can absolutely understand that you were greatly provoked though.

It sounds as though the task you were set was just a bit too much and you reacted in an unfortunate way.

I hope you will find a way to mend some fences with your DD, whose response is understandable (although she should have told you she was not going to come) - I would not have been happy with someone saying that to a child of mine.

The other side of the coin is that I hope your DD had words with her children over their unacceptable behavior.

I have been through your previous posts/threads again OP it’s actually quite concerning!

In one you say you love your grandson too much, what about his siblings?

In another you are worried about him starting nursery and concerned as to what you will do with the extra free time.

This also begs the question that as you have been one of the primary caregivers then why have you not managed to instill some boundaries and discipline?

Finally your thread from 2024;

We had an episode with my grandson yesterday
He was supposed to sleep over at my house together with his sister
He is 5 , she is nearly 4 ; we have done it before and everything has gone fine
But yesterday , my grandson at the end of the first week of holiday , hadn’t seen much of his mum, my daughter, as she works 3 days a week and on the 2 days she doesn’t work , she had put him in activity days all day
I think he had been missing her and when she left him last night at my house , he started screaming , crying and even wanted to run into the road after his mothers car
At the time , I was also trying to feed his sister and their cousin who is 18 months old
His behaviour set his sister off and it was pandemonium
I told my daughter by text to come back for them but she was upset and sent her husband instead
Neither of them has apologised to me
In fact my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me at the moment and says I have let her down
She expected me to deal with the situation so that they could stay and have their sleepover
But I just didn’t know what to do
At one point , my grandson hit me and I responded by a tap on his bottom
The whole situation felt out of control
I am very happy to look after my grandchildren but when a problem like this arises I don’t think it should be the responsibility of the grandmother to fix it
What do you think ?
Add comment | Report | Private message | Quote Notjustaprettyface Sat 03-Aug-24 09:09:14
Sorry if my reply about Scotland offended some of you
The fact that it is illegal to smack a child in some parts of the uk doesn’t make it right or relevant
I am 66 and I got smacked when I was naughty
It was not abuse , it was correcting naughty behaviour
There is a difference !
I have said that yes I shouldn’t have smacked him but he had hit me , he was out of control and I didn’t know what else to do
I did not hurt him and as I said , it is not abuse , it is discipline
It’s very unlikely to happen again as I will take on board the supportive messages I have received and I will set boundaries as to how much childcare I provide from now on
Thanks to those of you who have understood my predicament and given me encouragement

No one is perfect- given the circumstances we can all be tipped over the edge especially by small children who won't go to bed. I've been there too.
However, sometimes these small incidents can get lost in the bigger picture. A child won't be damaged for life by being told they're are horrible on one occasion. However, repeat that everyday and it is a different story.
We all have moments of weakness but are strengthened by our ability to say, 'I messed up, I was tired too, I really wanted to get some rest myself, and I'm sorry I did it. It won't happen again.'
This is how we move forward in relationships with others but also with our own selves.

I once babysat for a child in our baby sitting circle who had a reputation for being trouble. I got her into bed and she stayed there.

When her parents returned they were amazed and then they said, 'Oh, of course you are xxxxx's mother,' xxxxx being DD. DD had a a well deserved reputation for out manouvring and out discussing almost everyone except me. People liked her, but she could out reason Sophcles by the time she was 3

What did I do with this child that worked?. Every time the child came out of her room I led her back, shut the door and said nothing. In the end she got bored with this game before I did.

This is what I would have done in this case. if children are in their bedroom, then whether they are in bed or asleep is irrelevant, they will fall asleep eventually if left alone.

With a child like this you need to be consistent and implacable until they give up. DD has said about her childhood that she would usually do as I told her because she knew that if I said what would happen if she didn't, it would happen and I wasn't phased or embarrassed by rudeness of tantrums, not even in public places.

I also had the backing of my wonderful MiL, a reception class teacher. She understood DD almost better than I did and responded n much the same way.

DD has grown up to be a kind and lovely girl

This chat should be moved from the Grandparenting forum to the Estrangement forum.

QuoteSago Mon 02-Feb-26 09:07:58

Reading through Sago's post, Notjustaprettyface, it seems as though your DD is taking the Michael.

Whose children are these - hers and her husband's or yours?

Time she faced up to her responsibilities instead of dumping them on you all the time.
This is your time, for you to find new hobbies, go out with friends, perhaps babysit occasionally if needs be but it seems you are the primary carer. As long as you carry on like this, your daughter will keep taking advantage.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you're not getting any younger.

Mackir

This chat should be moved from the Grandparenting forum to the Estrangement forum.

It is in the right place imo.

Parenting has changed enormously and parents are aware that unkind comments said to children are not the way forward.

Our generation had Grandparents with Victorian /Edwardian standards and I think that many of us were brought up very strictly as a result.

Looking back,my parents were negligent but I realise that they had their own issues.

I was very grateful to my Grandmother for bringing me up.
It caused tensions and jealousy on the part of my Mother.
I did what Grandma told me to .
There was no question of being rude or disobedient.

You are tired at 10.00 pm at night and I don't know what your daughter's situation is. The last thing that she wants to hear is her daughter complaining about you.

Try to smooth things over and make another date - life is too short.