Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

rafichagran

This thread is getting stupid, I disagree with worried well on the use of the words horrid child, but indicating she is a reform voter and bringing in anyones politics is wrong.
I think this thread is getting unpleasant.

Yes personal attacks aren't necessary are they.

What's the problem wellbeck?

PoppyBlue

Granddaughter was overtired by 10pm and was acting up.
Gran was overtired by 10pm and acting up.

Gran is the adult and the child is 5. Just say sorry and put it to bed. We are all human.

That just about sums it up except that daughter then exacerbated it by behaving badly!

I meant to add, don't be so rude and bad mannered.

Some days later, has the problem been resolved?
Hope so.

There’s a huge difference between having a moment of weakness in the heat of the conflict and doubling down on your childish, awful reaction days later.

Why do you think your daughter values spending time with you over her child’s self-esteem? There is no way on Earth my parents or anyone else could name-call my 5 year old and expect me to just accept it. It’s important for parents to protect their children, even from grandparents. Your relationship with your daughter comes after her duty to her children. You are a mother; you should comprehend that better.

Not everyone is capable of dealing with over-tired, challenging young children in their later years. No shame in getting older and not having much patience for tantrums at 10pm. I don’t myself, which is why I would simply decline babysitting at hours I cannot tolerate. You’re an adult throwing a tantrum same as the children, except you have no self-reflection. You can’t even control your anger on this thread, so I can imagine your behaviour in person while frustrated.

Apologize to your grandchild and daughter. Accept that you have limits; there’s nothing wrong with that. She will need to find alternative childcare. Not the end of the world for anyone involved and frankly it’s really the best way forward.

Don’t put your ego before your family.

She hasn't apologised so they can't put it to bed.
Overtired 5 year olds are feral, overtired adults have had years to regulate their emotions and should know that calling a child 'horrible' or whatever it was, isn't ok.

Just say 'sorry, I shouldn't have said that etc etc'
There's no need for it to get as far as it has done done.

If the child had called the Gran horrible would she be made to apologise?

That’s the ironic thing. The same adults defending this grown woman’s tantrum would have expected the child to apologize if she called her gran out of her name.

OP can choose not to apologize but she needs to get over the fact that her daughter won’t want to spend much time around her if she doesn’t. Can’t have it both ways. If an apology is the hill to die on, expect the relationship to follow suit. Being “wrong and strong” is foolish.

Exactly, the child would have been made to apologise for upsetting the gran (rightly so) but not the Gran upsetting the child?

Do as I say, not as I do and all that.

Sounds like you love your grandchildren bunt caring for 3 of them at once and having to do the bedtime routine alone, was too much and I understand that. You asked for help and you’ve received it with suggestions of how to resolve the issues with your daughter and grandchild but unfortunately it seems that the help received isn’t what you wanted to hear. It’s hard to be receptive to well meant advice when you still feel upset and aggrieved so maybe give them a wide berth for a while, send a card explaining that you found it too much and need to time to reflect and you’ll be in touch soon. Then spend some time looking after yourself. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of stress in your life and if you don’t take care of you there will be health consequences. I hope you are able to resolve things and improve your relationship with your little grandchild.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

The OP has taken a lot of flack here. It must be wonderful to have children/grandchildren who always do as they're told, play nicely with their siblings, eat all their greens and go to bed willingly and calmly, then drift off to sleep 😴. I have two delightful granddaughters, I look after them a lot, and they certainly test me sometimes. I have two sons, and growing up I just had to glare at them to stop any bad behaviour and they were very well behaved. My granddaughters aren't quite as easy, they dismiss my glare and carry on misbehaving, sometimes I am at the end of my tether with them. Yes, parenting and grandparenting can be a challenge. OP had had enough of her granddaughter's defiance that night, it was late and OP was tired, even if the little girl wasn't. I've been there, done that (at least the other two children went to sleep ok.) In those circumstances, rather than getting myself all hot and bothered about it, I'd have let the girl cuddle up beside me on the couch with a blanket and teddy, and let her gently fall asleep in her own time, then daughter or son-in-law could carry her up to bed when they got home. I think the daughter should have apologised to her mum for having to put up with the girl's behaviour, and thanked her for babysitting. The little girl would get a cuddle from me the next day and be told "sorry I called you a horrible girl, but you must go to bed on time and not make nanny upset and angry, I really love you, can we be friends?" That way, all should be forgiven. We all learn by our mistakes, don't hold a grudge with your daughter, OP, be the bigger person, make contact and get back to being a dear nanny to these children. You have a lot on your plate with your husband being in the care home, it can't be easy trying to be all over the place giving everyone your time. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it 💐

I find this to be a very thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate response.

Denise7125

Sounds like you love your grandchildren bunt caring for 3 of them at once and having to do the bedtime routine alone, was too much and I understand that. You asked for help and you’ve received it with suggestions of how to resolve the issues with your daughter and grandchild but unfortunately it seems that the help received isn’t what you wanted to hear. It’s hard to be receptive to well meant advice when you still feel upset and aggrieved so maybe give them a wide berth for a while, send a card explaining that you found it too much and need to time to reflect and you’ll be in touch soon. Then spend some time looking after yourself. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of stress in your life and if you don’t take care of you there will be health consequences. I hope you are able to resolve things and improve your relationship with your little grandchild.

Agreed!
I hope so too!