Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

Our generation had Grandparents with Victorian /Edwardian standards and I think that many of us were brought up very strictly as a result.

I can hardly remember my maternal grandparents but I do remember my Grandmother being warm, gentle and very kind. I was very upset, after they had died, to see someone else moving into their house.

I have nothing,but tender memories of my Grandma.
I think that she was an exceptionally kind ,generous and loving person.
I still miss her and always will.

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you rachifagran
That’s exactly how I feel
The child is being brought up obnoxious and she is never reprimanded for her actions
She’s allowed to decide everything at the age of 5 !
As for my daughter , we have never been close , she doesn’t really care about me , o think she just uses me
She’s never kind and has no compassion even though she knows my situation with her dad in a care home is far from enviable
I don’t want to apologise to her , I don’t know what to do
I love the youngest grandchild and if it wasn’t for him , I think I would cut all ties with her now

Well, within this post you have your answer. You have deep love for the youngest grandchild and if it wasn't for him.......

For him, try to smooth it out. Unlike you, my daughter and I were close. Up until a couple years ago, when her husband left her ,pregnant with my granddaughter , and my grandson. Then his sister, her best friend, started judging me and my daughter became very cold towards me. It hurt.

At first it was her, we stopped going anywhere together or talking like mom and daughters do. Then she tried to alienate the kids, mainly my grandson as she became possessive of him, but they told on her, so now I let her know I know and it's touchy, but they are acting ok with me now.

The grandson, who I was super close with, bought into it for awhile and he treated me bad, and that really hurt.

But now he's better because when he started to kinda turn on me, I finally let my daughter know what they told me starting last year , on up until now. Out of the mouth of babes, as they say. My daughter tried to deny, deflect and blame me somehow. She thinks she convinced me I suppose but I'm not convinced.

My granddaughter, who is younger and wasn't as close to me, told me it mad her mad mommy said untrue things......she's only 5!!!

But from my daughter I have gotten no apology nor compassion for my pain. I think the only reason she isn't fully estranged from me is my husband and son, as they would be caught in the middle.

So, I am like you, if not for the love I have of my 2 grandkids, I think I would cut ties with her now as well. My children were my life, I love her, but to put up with being trashed to my grandkids crossed a line; bad enough she basically deserted me as a mom she used to love to hang out with, but trying to turn grandkids from me, that's low.

And no compassion, or kindness, as you mentioned, same with my daughter. Recently I lost my little doggy I have had for 17 years. My son hugged me, felt sorry, my husband too and even my son's girlfriend, who I do not know super well since it's a long distance romance with them, came over to my house to visit to show her sympathy.

She caught me crying during a movie we had sat down to watch (action movie, so the tears were not for that) and she literally ran across the room to hug me! I could not believe it. She was so kind.

My own daughter said oh, sorry guys on a text and when I saw her only 2 days after it happened, she said nothing, no hugs, no mention. No compassion or kindness. Even just a hey how are you doing mom would have been something. But, no.

So that love for your youngest grandson, if you want to hold onto that, perhaps say you are stressed, you were being pushed and you are sorry you reacted like you did.

However, explain to your daughter that she needs to have her children understand that if they enjoy you babysitting, they need to cooperate just as they would if it was mom putting them to bed. Tell your daughter you need her help in this.....or you can't do it. It's too hard on you.

I get it. I hurts when your kid doesn't have feelings for you, no respect, etc. But your little grandson shouldn't have to pay for that by losing his grandma's company. Do it for him.

I am sorry notjustaprettyface we were in a similar situation some years ago with a raging 6 year old. We were tired after a long day, the child’s behaviour and attitude towards us was totally unacceptable and tempers were lost on both sides. It happens.
You know your daughter best, speak to her, but maybe cut back on babysitting especially if they need to be put to bed.

silverlining48

I am sorry notjustaprettyface we were in a similar situation some years ago with a raging 6 year old. We were tired after a long day, the child’s behaviour and attitude towards us was totally unacceptable and tempers were lost on both sides. It happens.
You know your daughter best, speak to her, but maybe cut back on babysitting especially if they need to be put to bed.

Good advice.

People aren’t saints and do lose their tempers at times especially when very tired.

It's so easy to be wise after the event. It must have been exasperating trying to deal with this child so late and after a long day. It was pretty poor just not turning up to a planned outing and meal without giving any explanation. I'd leave that DD to cool off. Perhaps she'll find a different babysitter next time and they'll tell her how her daughter behaves. Maybe she'll be more understanding then.

You didn't cope well, with a young child. Perhaps it may be best to wait silently, as a rational adult, until DD calms. Give DD time.

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

Your attitude is absolutely appalling! You really do need to take a good hard look at yourself.

So is yours papermonster
If you must be nasty , choose somebody else
No time for nasty people like you

Thank you Starfire57
I will try for his sake but I don’t want to see my daughter if I can avoid it

PaperMonster2

I don’t blame your daughter tbh. Your behaviour towards your granddaughter was pretty horrible. Your granddaughter won’t forget that.

Hear, hear. You have behaved badly and should apologise.

I wonder if OP brought her children up very strictly, and her daughter is reacting to that by apparently using less discipline with her own children?

I'm with the more recent trend of "fafo" parenting (Google it if you haven't come across it!). One of my daughters with 3 children, also tends towards this. It's not new- I heard about it at a parenting course in 80s. Example- if a child forgets to bring their lunch to school, you don't bring it to them- they won't starve!

I have mixed feelings about apologising to a child for losing your temper- I think they may need to see what happens when they provoke you beyond tolerance! To me it's part of the fafo approach- I don't mean physical violence, but seeing what happens when Granny gets really angry!!

But from this and previous threads, I think OP is a bit too involved with grandchildren and needs to find other interests.

Oops! I’m sure we all understand. While we are all older and wiser re child rearing we are also older and tire more easily.

Brattish behaviour is very stressful. Stand back and try not to react. Two things will happen- either she’ll improve with age, school, etc or she won’t, in which case you can watch mum reaping her reward.

The 5 year old was or ably tired too And would rather have had her mum than a grumpy granny who couldn,t see that sitting on her bed and hugging her or reading to her might have resulted in a happy child going to bed.Instead she was wound up by granny being harsh and in my opinion completely out of order .
Yelling and name calling only results in children who grow up to believe that’s how to treat other people….its how bullies are formed .
I never wanted my children or grandchildren to have that mindset bedtimes should be a welcome quiet space not a yelling match between anADULT and a small child
Oh and I don’t believe children must be obedient,that’s why abusers get away with horrific crimes

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you Starfire57
I will try for his sake but I don’t want to see my daughter if I can avoid it

Your welcome, I am glad you will try. I really, really know how you feel.

The 5 year old was or ably tired too

Yes, when children become over-tired they often behave badly.

Notjustaprettyface

No it isn’t a wind up
Please don’t be insulting

So you can insult a 5 year old, but can’t accept valid criticism of how you acted?

You’re coming across as a bit childish now Notjustaprettyface every time someone gives you some advice that you don’t like, you came back with some kind of tit for tat remark
If this was how the evening with your grandaughter went I can see why it escalated
You really need to look at how you deal with conflict of any kind It’s definitely not how you are dealing with it at present I think this bedtime situation is just the tip of the iceberg you need help before you completely fall to pieces

I think poster is worn out. She should pull back on babysitting when she has to put them to bed..,She is under strain and coping with three chikdren and two acting up is too much at present. Your daughters reaction childish but let but let it go for peace sake., say sorry but you are not coping yourself at the monent and shouldn't have called gc horrible. Then look after yourself and your husband. Bit of distance for a while.

We left my mil with our children one evening. Never again. She apparently shut the eldest one in a cupboard because she was cheeky to her. She could be a very naughty little girl but I thought shutting her in a cupboard was not the way to go. It is not for us to judge, though but for me telling a child she is horrid isn’t that bad . Most of us have been called far worse than that. Unless we have led very sheltered lives !

What spoiled brats you all must have! 10pm is late for a 5 year old to be going to bed. Presumably she had been allowed to stay up and should have gone nicely to bed. Calling her a horrible little girl is the least of it. She would have been picked up and put physically into the bed if it had been me.

Calling a child a horrible child is unacceptable. You can say your behaviour is horrible but you have to take grest care with the words you use to a child. I agree you need to apologise to your GC and DD. The quicker you admit you were wrong and apologise ( with no justifications) the sooner it will be mended. Don't let the situation fester. Also don't beat yourself up! We all lose our temper from time to time . You will also be teaching your GC its perfectly ok to apologise when we get something wrong. I hope it all settles down quickly.

I was babysitting once and it was late and my youngest grandson simply wouldn't go to bed. He'd flop down on the floor and I couldn't lift him. It was not long after my knee op. Luckily DH was there too. He usually leaves bedtime and GCs to me. But he'd had enough. He snapped, picked up the boy, tucked him under his arm and told he'd had enough and he was going to put him out in the snow! Instant compliance from boy. Amazingly, after that Grandad became his top favourite relative. Tired people do and say daft things they may regret but occasionally it's worth it!

He snapped, picked up the boy, tucked him under his arm and told he'd had enough and he was going to put him out in the snow!

😂😂😂

My DGS would have said "Yes, please!!"