Difficult dil

I would never have wanted to holiday with my in-laws.

I truly loved my mother-in-law and did holiday with her twice but it was entirely to please her as she wouldn't have done those particular trips on her own. She really wanted to see where her family were from "once more". I think she was 95 then.

Please don't assume that by paying for a holiday that it is actually a "treat" for anyone else.
If it IS - than that is a lovely bonus.

I'm sorry to say I'd stop the holiday thing as it doesn'tseem to bring any of you much joy. If they have lots of stuff to boast about I'm sure they can still have a holiday if they want!

You will never change anyone else - all you can do is change the way you respond to them.

Once the children are old enough they may enjoy outings with you - or even a short break - and your son and daughter-in-law may be happy for you to "borrow" the children by then.

Meanwhile I'd not comment on parenting and just do as someone said earlier - be friendly and warm but step back a little.
I don't know how long this has been going on but you have my sympathy here. It can't be very nice.

Maybe next time you are looking at holidays you should say "Mr MirandaIV and I are sorry but we think we would like to holiday just the two of us this year - and it will free you up to arranging whatever you fancy".
Then at least they have fair warning that you won't be funding any holidays for now.

Thinking of you 💐

@Madgran77 Great idea

Ilovedogs22

Oh! Cossy, a little bit harsh but out of the mouths of Gran's, maybe? 😉

Yes, you’re right, very harsh and blunt too!! Shades of my DM, not sure why but this post really rubbed me up the wrong way 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP please come back and at least let us know if you read and digested any of our responses please?

Spend thousands on taking them on holiday is what is making you resent them...
Why not just offer to take rhe children on holiday to give them a break?

Make friends with her Mum. You may get some clues to her behaviour. Never judge (out loud). Make sure your life is full and let them come to you.

seasider

@Madgran77 Great idea

Thankyou. I know it works!!

If they are so b----y marvellous and boastful let them pay for their own holidays and go on their own .
Choose and lovely holiday for your husband and yourself and enjoy without them .

Yeh just let them harm their child !

I could write a book. Probably two. You have my sympathies - whichever is the main protagonist its never a pleasant situation. In my case, suffice it to say that after appeasing and turning the other cheek for many years I finally “ snapped” 4 days before Christmas 2025. Straw and camel’s back and all that. (My son , her husband, died 2023 so he is obviously not involved ). There has been no contact since. Sadly there are 3DGDs (early teen) and I fear I may lose contact with them despite my best efforts messaging and texting them.

I understand the pain you have but we just have to accept that family doesn’t always pan out as we would like. I would make a little more distance between yourself and them and definitely stop financing holidays, saying it’s got so expensive now that you just don’t have the funds. Try not to dwell on it too much, make the best of it when you can and otherwise, let it go. I know this is easier said than done but your own wellbeing is more important.

Why are you spending £10000 on them ??please dont try to buy their love willb never work anyway as they are so ungrateful. There's very good advice and comnents on here.

As a retired psychotherapist, I have come across grandiosity being a defence against insecurity. So it could be that DIL does not feel as good about herself as it seems and projects her negative energy into you. So you pock up those anxious feelings.

It is tough, my son has a partner who has turned very odd since their child, my granddaughter, was born I don't comment on anything they do, but I know she is very lazy, and my son works very hard, so I have to bite my tounge, I would say to you stand back make a busy life for yourself and let them come to you then they will respect you being indipendant

Yep I can stand in your shoes. Years and years of it but no husband for a shoulder to cry on. Fast forward to 2022 when I married again and now it is me who has walked away. I speak on the telephone to my son weekly but has for visiting no, I wont put myself through it.

Difficult for you. Perhaps read ‘Toxic in laws’ a book by Susan Forward who also wrote ‘Women who love too much’, or a similar title. It’s very helpful about different family and personality types.

It’s also useful for thinking about dynamics with other people including colleagues and neighbours.

^^From Susan Forward, Ph.D., the New York Times bestselling author of Toxic Parents and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, comes a practical and powerful book that will help couples cope with terrible and toxic in-laws.


Hope it all improves.

🌷

I can really empathise with this. It sounds like the son is struggling with a - dare I say it? - narcissistic wife.
Definitely should stop paying for holidays and actually going on holiday with the young family isn’t a great idea. Think of how stressful Christmas can be…holidaying with the family has the potential to be similar. I speak from experience! Finally, we must tread carefully to avoid the ultimate “punishment” for grandparents: estrangement. Good luck MirandaIV

Just tell tthem you are not going on holiday with them, never mind paying for them as you would like some time without the snide remarks they give you. Do not offer or suggest anything to to do with GD. Awful think is your GD will be aware of how her parents respond to you and could well end up the same as her mother.

Sorry to hear this. I think that our childrens generation, generally speaking, are not as polite as we would like them to be and tend to make it all about them and their children and not ask about our lives, I expect they think we don't have one !
As for pay for expensive holidays, you need to put a stop to that if you are feeling used as the resentment will only grow.
If your DiL is self-absorbed and negative try to ignore it and focus on the GC's who I'm sure are full of fun and energy, after all its them you are wanting to spend time with.

MirandaIV

I have to tread on eggshells around my son and daughter-in-law. God forbid that I ever make any comments about the care of my granddaughters.
My daughter-in-law, particularly is sullen and passive aggressive and sometimes barely speaks to me. She is very boastful. She thinks she knows everything about everything and is often wrong, but I would never dare to say anything.
My son tiptoes around her and they seem pretty unhappy together. He is sometimes mean to me in front of her, almost as if he’s been told to pass on her thoughts. But he does apologise sincerely if I tell him that a comment was hurtful.
She has always been like this and her family seem to let her get away with it. The whole family is incredibly impressed with themselves and don’t hesitate to boast about their achievements which are often dubious and some of them are quite impossible.
I really struggle spending time in her company, but if I want to see my GC I have to put up with it. The negative energy is awful to be around.
We spend thousands of pounds taking them all on holiday each year and my husband and are feeling very used. They never ask anything about us and have no interest in our hobbies or jobs or life. Conversation always has to be all about them.
Any advice?

For what it’s worth stop paying for them to go on holiday with you . They are financially taking you for mugs and will continue to do so as long as you keep paying for them to go away with you .
They are presumably in relatively good jobs and can probably afford to pay their own way.
It’s high time that you put yourselves first and foremost rather than them .

If the dil doesn't like spending time with you then she should decline the free holiday. It does seem that todays dils think they can be totally obnoxious and expect their husband's to 'support ' them, heaven forbid he holds a contrary opinion!

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I’m with the comments made by Stitchintime, you do not have to put up with this behaviour from either of them and if it continues the children will pick up on their attitude and start treating you as badly, stop paying for holidays and stand up and be counted, if you allow yourselves to be treated with what is actually contempt it will only continue, harsh but true, stop being a doormat .

You need a plan, a strategy.

First thing to tackle is the holiday. I suggest you dont wrip it off like a plaster.
You are irritated by the lack of thanks. They might feel the holiday is imposed on them.
Start backtracking on the holiday. If it’s not yet booked, dont book it. Dont bring the subject up. If they bring it up waffle and change the subject.
Are the granddaughters old enough you could take them away for a short holiday.
Good luck.

I always think of Mrs Browns Boys when she said “that’s nice” but in her head she was saying “F… you” it takes the sting out!

Very unpleasant. But you do well to bite your tongue and not put any pressure on your son. He is in the middle and in the most stressful position of all of you. Even if he is unhappy in the marriage, you can't really help him other than keeping things as smooth between you all, at least on the surface, as you can.
Boastfulness usually comes out of some kind of insecurity. Perhaps if you can find things to praise, it might help your relationship with your daughter in law..
Holidays together must be very stressful. But perhaps it is a way of spending time with your son and grandchildren. I know it is extremely difficult as it is so unfair. But feeling resentful about the money you spend will only make you miserable yourself. Decide whether or not it's worth it to you to pay for the holidays and then stop doing it or continue to do so and let feelings of resentment go as much as you can.
We can't buy love and we can't force it. But it is the most valuable thing in the world. Because it is your son and your grandchildren, you can't really give up on this relationship.Perhaps the graceful thing to do here is to try to be loving yourself , even if you are not getting the love back that you deserve. It may reward you in the end or at least you can feel calm and know you are doing your best. I find it very hard to do these things but I have found by experience that it is always the best way, for myself as well as others. Good luck and my sympathy.