Difficult dil

MarieElla

Spend thousands on taking them on holiday is what is making you resent them...
Why not just offer to take rhe children on holiday to give them a break?

oh I can see that going down well (not),

Your daughter in law sounds unpleasant, for whatever reasons ( could be anything - insecurity, personality disorder or you just don't gel together.)

Your son sounds like wet plankton.

Stop the holidays with immediate effect. Don't go overboard to explain, just say finances are a bit tight this year etc.

Invite them all round but if the opportunity to see the grandkids on their own arises then take it.

I do feel for you as i too have some problems with DS and his wife, sadly it seems to be a common thing these days . And I see a very selfish generation with little respect !
But I bite my lip as I don't want an altercation as ive known many a grandparent speak out and the next thing is they are not allowed to see/visit their GC, which in my opinion is deplorable!
I adore my grandchildren so I just keep quiet and focus on them only by taking them out for days and child minding when they need me.
I also agree that you need to stop paying out for their holidays, when they show no appreciation and please try and not to advise on the care of their kiddies.
Its all so hard, I know, but I personally I wouldn't cause any disagreement with them as I dont want to lose my dear grandchildren.
Hugs 💐

Stop taking them on holiday for starters.

Valdavi, it's a perfectly good suggestion!
Why take the time to criticise my suggestion instead of offering advice to the op??

Further to my earlier post, my 2 of my DIL's are autistic (as are their children) including the one I was talking about. Neurodiversity does require more understanding particularly as it can look as if a person is awkward, lacking empathy, being more expressionless, takes things more personally, etc.
You can't change your DIL anymore than she can change herself, but you can change the way you react. Try not to take things personally, take the boasting with a pinch of salt and just enjoy the time you have with your grandchildren.
As for your son, you've obviously managed to work out to respond to him without there being a big argument but have some empathy with him too. He is trying to be supportive to a wife who sees the world differently. You only have to do this on the days they visit; he has to do it all the time. It can be a very lonely place.

Hithere

Please do not insult people who is in the spectrum - they do not lack intelligence

This is simple

Do not make comments on the parenting unless requested
If your son and dil dress their kid in cloths you do not like, say nothing
Do not invest insane amounts of money on vacations and expect gratitude when you know you already know you have a bad relationship
Talk to your son you raised and stop giving the evil eye to the dil.
He is adult enough to advocate for himself if he wants to

This is very sensible. It is difficult for anyone to see herself as others see her but trying to do so is often a good thing to do a bit of self examination. Maybe try and look at things through her eyes if you can. If you've already criticised her parenting then that is a hard thing to get beyond, it will be difficult for her to trust you going forward, and remember it's not just what you say that can be a criticism. If things are not harmful, then let it be, As grans, we have had our time as parents making our choices for what we do with our children.
You criticised her and your son for making a big thing about minor things that they are pleased about. It probably comes across as you're not interested in them. What seems a minor thing to you might for whatever reason, be a big thing to them. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? It doesn't sound as if you like her, so why do you keep going on holiday with her and the others. What do you get out of it and what do they get out of it, is it what they want? Joint holidays can go very well or they can be a disaster. The times I went away with the in-laws were really difficult, they weren't paying at all, it was meeting up there. They were pretty selfish and only wanted to do what they wanted to do. They could have been happy times but that doesn't work if they behave like that.
Only you can decide what to do with regard to the holidays, some reflection as mentioned above might be worth doing

Why no comments from the poster?

CrazyH

why would you say that? If my mom said that about one of my exes in front of my husband, I would be mortified and that would require a conversation. And if my mother-in-law said that about my husband’s ex-wife, I would not be happy.