Difficult dil

I certainly wouldn’t be paying to take them on holiday with attitudes like that. They are abusing your generosity and taking advantage of you. Perhaps pull your son to one side snd tell him in no uncertain terms, that their attitude and behaviour towards you is unacceptable and not something you’d expect from him.
See what he says.
Do your GC come to visit you or do you go to their house?
Maybe ask if you can have the GC for a day here and there at yours, then you wont have to put up with the bad attitude.
…paying for their holidays clearly has not changed her attitude, so just stop. If anything is said, tell them why.

@MirandaIV

"The whole family is incredibly impressed with themselves and don’t hesitate to boast about their achievements which are often dubious and some of them are quite impossible."

Oh do please tell - particularly the things that are 'impossible'!

Hmm. Six of one, half a dozen of the other with this poster and her family. No-one comes across exactly covered in glory.
But the OP has clearly put her foot in it with the DIL. and it will be a long road back to a cordial relationship, if one is ever possible.
And whatevet you do, don’t criticise her/their parenting skills. Ever.
I’m pretty sure most grans on here have the sense to not do that.

CrazyH not a wise move. Why bring up a past girlfriend?

How do you know the OP has put her foot in it or that it's 6 of one half a dozen of the other?

Ha ha! I can just imagine that!

She'll be on Mumsnet moaning about her difficult MIL.

A surprising number of members of Gransnet seem to have this problem. I admit, I am not exactly best friends with my DIL, but my son loves her, which is to me a very good reason to try to get on with her.

Perhaps anyone in this kind of situation should try sitting down with a writing pad and a pen and make a list of all our DILS' good points. Then do the same for our sons.

Now we get to the really difficult part of the exercise: write down all our own annoyning habits and all the remarks that seem to have been made by US just prior to DIL's boasting or dismissive silence or son's hurtful remarks.

It might just be (probably is) that some of the fault for this unhappy state of affairs is OURS, rather than our children's and their spouses.

Oh, and by all means, stop inviting these relations to go on holiday with you. Use the money to do something you really want to, on your own or with your husband.

So hard for you 💐

How awful, Why do you payfor a holiday for them? Let them pay for their own holiday and if they can't afford it they can stay home. Sounds a terrible situation

Sorry to hear of this situation. It seems to me the DiL is possibly coercive to your son, rather than just wearing the trousers. I would be aware that he may be having a hard time of it, which is why he's like he is at the moment, especially if this behaviour wasn't the norm before he got with her. Is there anyone that he could talk to/confide in. He may be trapped and need help.
As for making comments about caregiving, I'm sure you just don't bother now as presumably she has cut you down quick in the past. However that would bug me and I would say something if I thought it would help a situation, but add "just from experience (in a lighthearted carefree way) but obviously you do what you thinks best". One day she might actually agree, even if she doesn't say so at the time and wouldn't admit it anyway. Just be ready to ignore her looks of disagreement or comments and change the subject quickly/ walk away to the loo, kitchen, garden etc - so making no big deal of it : she shouldn't be intimidating you, be strong. She may back down if you show resilience.
Regarding the freebies as others have said if its not enjoyable for you, you could just say to them (when together) that your holidaying alone this year - to allow them to sort there own holiday, as you want them to have some personal space to enjoy the time as a family - but only once you are comfortable with how you son is in the relationship and he's genuinely happy with her. Could your husband go out alone with him for man time together and see if he opens up a bit more when DiL isn't there.
Offer to baby sit for a couple of evenings once a month e.g. saying you'd love to and how it gives them a chance to have some quality time together, but only if they want you to. Don't put any pressure on them and again make it lighthearted and carefree so as it doesn't seem desperate. Most parents of young children would jump at the offer.
Just my thoughts, hope things improve for you all.

I think if paying for the holiday means you have some lovely quality time with your grandchildren then do it for that reason.
My guess is if you say one wrong thing to her you will be ousted. And she’ll try to take your son with her.
Think about what you want.
To keep in contact. Or to confront her/them and potentially be excluded from the family. She is almost waiting for you to put a foot wrong then she’ll pounce.
Too many people on here are telling you to stop paying and to give her a piece of your mind. You can. But you’ll be the loser.
Good luck.

I think your problem is with your DS as well as your DIL. Your DS says something unpleasant and in your mind you've decided that it's your DIL's fault?!
If I was your DIL I wouldn't like you making comments about the care of my children. Basically, unless harm is being done then it's none of your business, their child their rules.
If you feel so uncomfortable in their company then why keep paying for their holidays, they probably feel the unpleasant atmosphere as much as you.
If you actually want to improve matters then maybe try some very calm, straight talking without casting any blame and expressing hope that you might all get on better together in the future as things seem quite fraught lately.

God forbid that I ever make any comments about the care of my granddaughters. Well done, comments on care of GC are unacceptable.

My daughter-in-law, particularly is sullen and passive aggressive and sometimes barely speaks to me. She is very boastful. She thinks she knows everything about everything and is often wrong, but I would never dare to say anything. Good reaction.

I really struggle spending time in her company, but if I want to see my GC I have to put up with it. The negative energy is awful to be around. Choices.

We spend thousands of pounds taking them all on holiday each year and my husband and are feeling very used. They never ask anything about us and have no interest in our hobbies or jobs or life. Conversation always has to be all about them. Stop wasting your holiday time and money

My DIL has a funny 5 minutes every so often and I keep quiet until she recovers her good humour but I would not criticise her parenting because it is sure to get her back up. I have only once got cross about any issues regarding my Grandson and that is when he was in pain but she was resistant to do anything about it. In the end, I took my son to one side and told him that what 'they' were doing was tantamount to abuse and if they wanted me to keep caring for him, they needed to sort it out because I was nearly as distressed as their child. I left my son to square it with his wife and hey ho, it was sorted.
My son is very patient with his wife's funny little ways but on the few occasions when she has been sad with me, he gives her time to come round before he encourages her to move on but he won't stop seeing me or stop me seeing my grandchild. However, I make it a thing never to criticise his wife and try to keep my mouth shut even when they were going through a marital crisis where I thought my son was being unfairly treated.
At the end of the day, your DIL doesn't have to like you and you don't have to like her. Just be pleasant to her so you don't give her an excuse to take umbrage.

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1351761-Baby-blanket

Is this the same dil you are having issues with now?

If she's Autistic She has always been like this and her family seem to let her get away with it. It's not that's she's getting away with it, it's how she is.

Some Autistic people are blunt and black and white, she may be able not be able to read the room and struggles socially. She may like to do things by the book and follow instructions, especially regarding the blanket. She may get overwhelmed with you and dissociate or shut down. Their brains are wired differently to neurotypical people.

What's your son's excuse?

Madgran77

Best reply to rudeness is:

Nothing said just a very straight look and raised eyebrows. Then turn away or walk out of room, returning a few minutes later. If asked about this just say " I assumed you didnt mean to be as rude/hurtful/unkind to me as you were so I just left for a few minutes to stop me saying something I would regret" If it starts again ..repeat whole process etc etc. If challenged just say "Its the best way I find for me to deal with such rudeness/ hurtful/ unkindness" etc.If told you are "too sensitive" or similar say "I don't agree but either way I find this is the best way to ...."

I can assure you this definitely takes the wind out unkind people's sails, if you manage to be consistent!

Brilliant response Madgran, not just for family situations but generally for rude people, and we have our share of those as we grow older & more invisible.

Perhaps look to your son, the child you raised.

Blameshifting dil for all problems is daft, imo.

Do her family also spend huge amounts of money on holidays? She might feel there is some sort of competition between you and her parents. I would stop paying for their holidays and depending on the ages of your granddaughters, you could spend the money taking them on days out. If your dil has learned this behaviour from her parents, she is unlikely to change. Norah makes a good point about looking to your son.

*Madgran77

Best reply to rudeness is:

Nothing said just a very straight look and raised eyebrows. Then turn away or walk out of room, returning a few minutes later. If asked about this just say " I assumed you didnt mean to be as rude/hurtful/unkind to me as you were so I just left for a few minutes to stop me saying something I would regret" If it starts again ..repeat whole process etc etc. If challenged just say "Its the best way I find for me to deal with such rudeness/ hurtful/ unkindness" etc.If told you are "too sensitive" or similar say "I don't agree but either way I find this is the best way to ...."

I can assure you this definitely takes the wind out unkind people's sails, if you manage to be consistent!*

This will work for your son who is says unkind things, doesn't ask about you or your hobbies.

But your Autistic DIL may not grasp it. You could overwhelm her and not understand what's happening.

Please do not insult people who is in the spectrum - they do not lack intelligence

This is simple

Do not make comments on the parenting unless requested
If your son and dil dress their kid in cloths you do not like, say nothing
Do not invest insane amounts of money on vacations and expect gratitude when you know you already know you have a bad relationship
Talk to your son you raised and stop giving the evil eye to the dil.
He is adult enough to advocate for himself if he wants to

People who are, sorry

You know she's Autistic from your post in 2025, please educate yourself as there's a chance your grandchild could be autistic.

I fail to see why you and husband do not have a lovely holiday together. Let them make their own holiday plans or not. Do not visit if you're not made welcome. Perhaps you could have children for a day or a sleep overs. If not you have each other.