Gransnet forums

Lost again

(90 Posts)
Nanban Sat 13-Jan-18 19:13:50

I arrived on Gransnet aeons ago with a poem about the simplicity of a happy day. So many lovely people joined in. Overnight our lives changed when we were allowed to see our grandchildren - meeting our little grandaughter for the first time - and we had two, wonderful, glorious, years of contact. Then our grandson was terribly, horribly, ill. Anyway, here we are again excommunicated and not able to see them. Our family is destroyed. Our grandchildren learning that people they love can be made to disappear. Our two lovely sons estranged, one broken, one angry. No day passes without tears and heartache.

Starlady Sat 13-Jan-18 20:56:12

Nanban, I can see that you're hurting, and I'm so deeply sorry for your pain. I'm afraid Idk your story, however, so I'm a little confused. It sounds as if you and your dh (dear husband) were co (cut out) of your gc's lives for a long time and then joyously reunited. But then, after poor gs fell "terribly, horribly ill,' you were co again. Also, there seem to be 2 dss (dear sons) involved. But I'm not sure if they both cut you out or if you and dh got caught in the middle of a battle between your dss.

Iows, were you co the second time because ds and dil needed to focus on their own very sick child? Or because you got drawn into a fight between your 2 dss?

Either way, it's so sad. How long have you been co this time? Could it just be temporary till angry heads and hurt feelings cool down? Or does it seem worse this time than the last?

BlueBelle Sun 14-Jan-18 06:03:24

I m sorry so few reactions to your post it sounds horrible to have the joy of thinking it’s all over and you are back to normal pulled away yet again and you must be devestated has this second destruction happened recently? You say your grandson became very very ill is he ok now or don’t you know? Were you blamed in some way for his illness as to why you were shut out for a second time, is the sons fall out the reason or the result ?
As starlady says it’s a bit sketchy and hard to help without a bit more info but then you aren’t asking for help just to be heard I m guessing
I think to be denied access to your grandkids is the cruelest of things to do unless there is a very valid reason (like harm involved)
I hope something will happen to resolved this very sad situation x

OldMeg Sun 14-Jan-18 07:09:57

Nanban I wish I had words to make you feel less sad, but I don’t. Unless perhaps to say things may improve, they did before so there's hope they might improve again (((hugs)))

I do hope your little grandson recovered from his illness?

Nana3 Sun 14-Jan-18 07:18:58

Such a sad post Nanban I hope the situation changes for you soon flowers.

cornergran Sun 14-Jan-18 08:57:12

I’m so sorry for your pain nanban, keep posting if it helps.

Nanban Sun 14-Jan-18 09:45:11

You are, as always, a lovely lot. We grandparents hold our tongues, keep our pain locked in, living in hopes of better days if we don't rock the boat. Well, we performed every task, jumped through every hoop and none of it worked. We are dealing with a personality that demands total control and isolation for everyone surrounding and finally talked things through with a psychologist. The advice was that nothing we could do would ever placate or turn this around but would just stoke more anger. Our grandchildren love us and that was unacceptable and had to be stopped. Sounds extreme of course but it is also that simple. Our little grandson recovered from that, and a couple of broken bones after. The relationship between our two sons had to be broken, also that simple. We just have to hope that we will be found again. Thank you dear lot for stepping up again.

Faye Sun 14-Jan-18 12:17:43

I remember you Nanban, you were so happy to finally be able to see your GC again after being denied contact. I am sorry this situation has happened again. flowers

Starlady Sun 14-Jan-18 13:47:53

First - I'm glad gs is well, Nanban! I still don't get what his illness or broken bones have to do with your story, but I'm glad he's ok. Obviously, someone is keeping you informed, so that's good, too, imo.

But as for the rest, my heart goes out to you! How painful to be co again! As a pp said, perhaps the parents will reach out again, eventually, as they did before, so there's hope there. But you probably won't trust it next time, particularly since your therapist is telling you that nothing will ever work in this case. So sad!

I guess the brothers had to split up because their relationship could never work out either? I'm so sorry about that, also.

Hopefully, when the kids are older, they can mend fences for themselves and get to have a relationship with you people.

NfkDumpling Sun 14-Jan-18 13:56:34

flowers. Grand parenting is such a minefield. It can be bad enough trying to raise children, but then when they’ve grown their children get thrown into the mix and things become even more precarious. Our DC say they get on because they only see each other two or three times a year. Perhaps they’re right.

Luckygirl Sun 14-Jan-18 14:02:30

What a sad situation for you - let us hope that, as last time, things eventually turn around. flowers

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Jan-18 14:27:36

Nanban are you the lovely lady who started the 'Cut out of their lives' thread on the AIBU forum? If so, we are still going strong for all the wrong reasons of course because we remain CO.

We have an estrangement thread on the 'Relationships' forum.

Gabrielle8 Sun 14-Jan-18 15:35:28

So so sorry for your pain.

Smileless was taken to task recently for saying that she personally would probably not feel able to have a relationship with her grandchildren now, were it offered, for fear of what has happened to you. That the pain of a second cutting off would be more than she could bear.

I hope you don't mind me mentioning it Smileless, but it's such an important observation.x.Rosy.

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Jan-18 16:00:59

No problem Rosysmile. I remember the joy that we all had for Nanban, not to mention her personal happiness when it looked very much as if a reconciliation had taken place.

I seem to remember that having given so much support to other EP's and EGP's, having given us a place to share our pain, that she left GN for fear of compromising that long awaited reconciliation

We have kept in touch and I know how much she and her DH have suffered, when so much was promised and then taken away yet again.

It is truly heartbreakingsad they tried so hard and ultimately to no avail.

Yogagirl Sun 14-Jan-18 19:48:45

So very sorry to see you here again Nanban flowers
I remember your poem well, your posts were the first I saw on coming to GN and they have lasted in my brain. I remember when you were reunited in France and you saying how your little GD ran up the beach to you and slipped her little hand in yours. ;-(

You support us back then Nanban and now maybe we can support you. God Bless xx

maddyone Mon 15-Jan-18 00:30:49

So sorry to read this nanban, I joined gransnet a while ago now, but probably after you were originally co. I don't remember your original post and poem, but reading about what has happened again I can only say how very sad it is and I hope things improve for you soon.

maddyone Mon 15-Jan-18 00:35:31

The hurt is not only felt by the grandparents, the grandchildren suffer too, and knowing this makes the grandparents suffer even more. When I knew my little grandson asked if his grandad was dead, it made me very, very sad (we hadn't been allowed to see grandson for some time.)

Smileless2012 Mon 15-Jan-18 08:58:48

That's so true maddy and it's a great pity that these parents put their own selfish desires above their children. Our GC are fortunate that they never knew us. The oldest was just 8 months when we last saw him and we've never seen his brother.

That said, our DS has told us that at 6, the eldest is already asking 'difficult' questions.

Minty Mon 15-Jan-18 10:17:35

Nanban, I am so sorry that you are facing this again.

Luckylegs9 Mon 15-Jan-18 16:21:43

Nanban, I don't know your story, but can feel your pain. To be cut off for the second time from your grandchildren and sons is cruel. To be reconciled and have it snatched away. Hope you and your husband get the strength to move on with your life as I know too well all the tears and worry changes nothing.

maddyone Mon 15-Jan-18 17:49:42

smileless your grandchildren are not fortunate that they've never seen you, but they are fortunate that they've been spared the grief of having beloved grandparents snatched away. That sounds a bit contrary, but if your grandchildren had been allowed to know you they would have have gained so, so much. But I think you're right in that they have been spared the pain of losing you, that's true.

What nanban's grandchildren are making of a second estrangement is hard to know, but I know what I think, and sadly I think it's extremely damaging to the children to be used as pawns in this way. And what it teaches them about the management of relationships can only be guessed at, but it can't be positive. They are not learning to negotiate, to be kind, to be caring, or that family is important and precious, and irreplaceable are they?

Yogagirl Tue 16-Jan-18 07:44:42

So true Maddy xx

Smileless2012 Tue 16-Jan-18 09:37:20

Yes*Maddy*, these children are being taught that people and relationships are disposable. My hope for our GC is that their parents behaviour is an example to them of how not to behave and treat others.

cornishclio Tue 16-Jan-18 09:55:05

Sorry to hear you are estranged for the second time. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. We have 2 DDs and a 2 year old granddaughter soon to have another as one of my DDs is pregnant and it would hurt dreadfully not to see them all regularly. Deepest sympathies.

Nanban Sun 28-Jan-18 10:33:43

Spotted a son-tweet this morning - I can't of course respond directly but the tweet went - how relevant is a use by date on a steak and Oh How I Wanted to Say - don't know, try it on the wife!

Hello everyone - your messages are like a bandage on a sore spot

To post you need a valid nickname and password. Log in if you are a returning member, or join for free.

If you have forgotten your nickname or your password, you can get a reminder.