LOUD VOICE

It's a bit Stepford Mothers isn't it. Even if some people find Melanie's remarks more frank than they are used to, I can't really see what the big fuss is. If they feel a remark needs responding to (say, the comment singling out one good father) why not - courteously - respond or make a joke about it?

Perhaps it was the way that you addressed him that sounded a bit off, rather than that you called him 'young man'.

I suggest that you now look for a new approach to family meal time conversations. Plenty of options on the internet. Here are two.

www.familiesalive.org/dinnertable/

the one below has 50 questions as starters. Choose the ones you like.
www.sixsistersstuff.com/2013/03/50-family-dinner-conversation-starters.html

I once had a member of staff who drove me crackers at work so I had a list of questions and statements in my filofax and every time he came into my office opened the page on which I had listed some suitable responses, so that I did not rise to what ever he was going to say but had a remark ready!!

Someone made an interesting comment a while back on this thread which made me reflect, this generation possibly don't have as much virtual conversation as we did, many seem to be preoccupied with their gadgetry and some rely on sound bites and cliches. How many times have you been out and noticed couples, tables even, all engaged with their phones with little interaction between whoever they are with. I'm sorry for you Melanie you sound a lot of fun and I think they are exaggerating your so called faux pas. Nevertheless, I love the way offspring can assume that embarrassment only goes one way, on the whole I think mine have grown out of our their embarrassment, but youngest son can be a bit tetchy on rare occasions. I on the other hand am still embarrassed when I vicariously hear about FB pages. I could only possibly looked through clenched fingers fleetingly. I can be quite loud and excitable on some topics, particularly after a few drinks, I blame that on my latin blood. My childhood memories of my paternal side were loud discussions around the table, with loads of arm waving etc, my mother's side were quiet and sedate and nothing ever roused them to get "out of their tree" It struck me at a very early age that the most embarrassing people in the world were those in your own family C'est la vie

IngeJones - you make a very valid point.

If they think you're embarrassing Melanie God knows what they would make of me if I were you I would imitate the younger generation and spend the meal playing with your phone. See how they like that!

I belong to a hobby group where one person has a voice as musical as a corncrake. She was a teacher and very opinionated and does dominate conversations . She is is very headachy to be with and in her 80s does not give way. I am fond of her but in small doses. She has no family to tell her to quieten down. I think families are always embarassed by family as someone said up post.

IngeJones - I feel bullied actually. Thank you for pointing that out. I booked in for a hearing test today but I can always hear everything that is going on so I don't think it's that. I haven't had the test yet.

I think I will try to be a little more subdued but if I make a remark that gets a stupid reaction I shall say "Please don't bully me, let me be myself".

I have always been lively and outspoken and hell why should I stop now for them?

I too keep being told by my husband and son that I talk too loud and embarrass them. It has made me very self conscious about my voice and has spoilt days out when they look round to see if people are listening and shush me. I also have a strong Lancashire accent and I have that drawn attention to by people that haven't been brought up in the north.
It makes me particularly self conscious on the phone, even to friends, and when I remember I almost whisper when I'm out.

celebgran I'm sorry you're estranged from your daughter .... A horrible situation.

Re my son, yes I thought it was rude & did a sharp intake of breath as shocked! The words 'you bitch' just spilt out of my mouth. He was very apologetic but sadly I haven't forgotten. The strange part of this is that my DIL told me a few months ago "your the only person S listens to or asks advice from. I was dumbfounded!

I don't understand any of it and an to continue in my eccentric, noisy and talkalot world!

I hope you can resolve the issues with your daughter. A friend was in this situation recently and askede to compose a letter to the daughter, whom I've never met. So I did! And they are now back on speaking terms

It's never too late but realise how heartbreaking it must be ?

It can be a combination of a naturally loud voice and slight hearing loss. My DH shouts down the phone and I have to remind him to 'just talk'. He denies he has hearing loss but I think he does have difficulty with some frequencies and I do too.
His mum was very deaf as she got older and was very prone to making inappropriate comments in a loud voice. I took her to the hearing clinic for a check up once and she kept commenting on the other patients in her loud voice. It was quite rude. 'She's very fat, don't you think?' 'She doesn't look deaf, why is she here ?' etc etc To me the opposite of PC is rude! I personally would only refer to a young boy e.g. DGS as 'Young man' as to me, when applied to an adult male, it sounds a bit condescending.

I have a loud voice but it's because I came from a large family of girls and if you wanted to get a word in you would have to shout, also we were in the habit of shouting talking to each other when we in different rooms.

None of the remarks you quote seem at all unreasonable or embarrassing to me! Just the sort of things I'd say. I'd ignore it. My family mainly tease ne about things I say and I do get a bit miffed but they say its meant affectionately so I try not to mind!

Having lunch with an Australian friend I asked how things were going with her man friend. She thought it could be on its way out as he was always telling her to speak quieter. As she said "That's who I am." She is a big personality and is always smiling and a great leader in our club. I sympathised with her as I also have a loud voice, maybe because of hearing problems as a child. We both met whilst living in Portugal and there the noise level just gets louder over the cafe tables and we were in an English country pub where the noise level was quieter but no one was whispering.

Melanie, I am sure the waiter had no problem being called young man.

My boyfriend knows two twin lads who i last saw when they were about 14ish, saw them again and to my UTTER shame i said "My havnt you grown"!! they were 19 ish at the time but to this day I cannot walk past them without blushing lol! Ppl say stuff all time without thinkin lol, unless its mean it doesnt matter x

mizzmellli - I don't see anything wrong with what you said! Some people keep growing into their twenties. Don't even think about it. It was nothing.

Teddy 123 thank you for the lovely kind comment,

I would love to think never too late and try keep tiny bit of hope alive,
How wonderful that you wrote to your friends daughter and they back in touch!

Friends have written to my daughter sadly to no avail everything totally ignored

We tend to spend all our time 'towing the line' as daughters... wives.... mothers. When I reached the age of 60, I decided to think, say , do and go where I wanted! So Melanie, keep on talking as you've always done... try to ignore your 'delicate' offspring... and as long as you're sure in yourself that you aren't actually hurting or insulting anyone unnecessarily... carry on doing it your way.

Jalima thank you so much for that clip, it made my day. I hope Melanie feels bettet for all the comments. I have a friend who always talks the loudest and monopolises the conversation but she is the kindest soul and we love her to bits. You are what you are Melanie, it would be a sad world if we all talked in whispers ?

I don't want my daughters to dread me but I am what I am. You are right. What I said was OK and quite funny and I am not going to change.

Thank you again lovely ones. You've done me the world of good. xxx

and don't forget - 'Young Man'
He may have been very flattered

I have met some lovely Young Men who have been very kind to an old lady. Their mothers must have brought them up well.

We had a family gathering in Manchester over Easter. 8 children played beautifully. The men chattered. The six women all sat at the dining room table. When my husband went for even more wine he said he could hear great guffaws of laughter from the women at the bottom of the road. Try not to let the comments affect your confidence Melanie you sound lovely. Our adult children can be a tad over sensitive and over worry about what others think. What they don't yet know is that other people are not thinking about us at all. They are too wrapped up with their own concerns. Jalima1108 I'm still smirking about your Garcon comment you wanna be in my gang?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcliR8kAbzc

I love this clip..

My mum was deaf, and had a really loud voice. She loved taking our daughter to the theatre, but obviously heard very little of what was going on. In the middle of "Fiddler on the Roof" she asked my daughter in her very loud voice - "Why is he always talking to the people in the gods". My daughter was about 12, and told me she thought it would be rude to explain while the show was on, and quite right too.

Personally, I think it's an arrogant attitude not to think on what you say and do, if something about what or how you speak is upsetting several members of your family. Clearly, we haven't got a balanced view. My father used to say things he felt were funny and had no idea how much he was upsetting people. He maintained people had no sense of humour. ..it was politics gone mad...generation gap ..etc... yet actually he was coming from a very sexist or just ignorant view not realising his view was out dated . Saying we have always been this way is not OK. After discussion he began to understand why... some comments coming from him at 20,30 or 40 were funny or cheeky but at 65 he looked like a dirty old man - he'd not thought of that. When he realised he was upsetting his grandchildren, and we explained why, he got it. Now he jokes - he's still funny but doesnt do lazy cheap shot humour. He talks to thd grandchildren about issues in private, where they can joke but on their terms. They have to get used to him too but when the odd comment slips through they roll their eyes. He understands that carrying on and not being flexible means he loses connections with family. This is why he tries his best to be considerate. Carrying on .. and see how you lose respect from your family. we respect my dad for trying.