Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

Your son and daughter have seen that your H's treatment of you is not right, so his plan of turning them against you has no chance.
Don't feel bad for telling them what's happening. I'm sure they wouldn't want you to keep coping alone.
All the best with whatever comes next.

I think I may have posted on the parallel thread to this, but that seems to have been deleted.
So what happens to the comments/posts/contributions?
It seems harsh that some posts are blithely disregarded , could the two threads not have been merged (by some judicious copying and pasting, for instance) ?
What was the point of posting anything?

Lizzy what do your daughter, your son and his wife make of your situation. Has your husband kept his bad behaviour private and for you alone? Sometimes people think that their behaviour has not been noticed but it is almost impossible to cover it up completely and the family may well be aware of what is going on. Your dad may be elderly but I doubt that he has not become aware of what is going on. Will either your daughter or son give you support to investigate your legal and financial position?
You may need to go back home first in order to get your campaign off the ground. You need to write down as many of the things which have been happening as you can remember so that you are clear in your own mind. You need to copy texts and any other written material you have which is proof of behaviour. Diarise all that is happening now on a daily basis. You do not tell your husband about what you are doing! Go to Women's Aid and tell them everything so that you can get the proper advice and I think that you may well find that you are entitled to half of everything so do not be misled by your husband. Your ignorance is what he is relying on! This does not need to end in divorce but knowledge is empowerment and when you know the facts and can get your mind clear on what you are entitled to and where you want to go from here then you can decide on your own future. When he knows that you have an understanding of where you stand his behaviour might change. You will know what to do when the time is right. All the best

cheerfullizzie I don't think anyone else has mentioned that some solicitors may give up to half an hour's legal advice for free, or a pre-agreed or fixed fee. Any of the organisations mentioned like CAB and Women's Aid will help you with this. Perhaps you can ask one or both of your children, or a friend to go to appointments with you. Another person is often useful as an extra pair of ears, or to ask questions you may not think about. It's hard starting again, but you need to start thinking of yourself now.

Missadventure, Synonomous and everyone here, thank you so much.. you have all made me feel so much more confidant and positive... Will be considering and acting on some of your advice today.... feel like ive made a few friends here.. youre so supportive.... wish you were all near me,.... so here goes.. a new day... a more positive outlook.. thank you xx

Just wanted to say well done for taking the first brave steps. Well done! You don't need to look back and see only failure. You did have a strong marriage, built a business, raised a decent family who can see wrong from right. But now it's time for a new chapter. Chin up, you can do it.

Wilma K .. thank you.. im nipping by the library to ask the citizens advice people if theyre open today to ask a few things.. x

My first husband was a violent drunk and controlling in the same way your husband was, chipping away constantly and your self worth and confidence. I also had 2 wonderful children and as I had no access to any money I left then went back, vicious cycle. When I eventually brok away it was such a relief and being on my own was so much better than being with him. Do you have any siblings? Just thinking if you moved in with your dad you would inherit the house at some point and not have to move, just makes actually moving forward easier if you can do this. Either way, you need to see a solicitor about a divorce at some point so your husband will have to put the house up for sale and you should have half of the proceeds coming to you which will be a big help. We were renting as my ex refused to buy a house so I was able to kick him out (children were only 7 and 1) and get the tenancy put in my name only. It will be a difficult road but so worth it in the end. I kept trying to convince myself he would change but he never did and still hasn't so I had a lucky escape. I wish you lots of strength and support but you will find a sense of peace in the end.

Cheerfullizzy I think you have been courageous and absolutely right in everything you have done so far. Its so difficult after all these years to finally say enough is enough. Whether you leave or not, you have effectively made it crystal clear you deserve more respect and at least others in your family now know what you have been going through.

There is quite a bit of advice online. I would start with the CAB.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/

I know you haven't yet made the decision yet to separate but the first step is gathering information, particularly as to what your rights are so that you can make an informed decision.
With regard to what he will say to your children, would they believe him? If so, once you have your ducks in a row, you need to try to speak to them before he does.
Hopefully they have noticed how he is but he sounds very much like my father who was a charismatic charmer (he is still alive but from what I hear the charm has gone) and no one would have believe how nasty he is. They won't suddenly change their view of you though and it would be surprising if they didn't try to stay impartial.

Lizzy - well done on updating your children about what is happening.

As others have said best get professional help and advise on this.

In my mind your husband is a bully and a coward. He is using his insecurities to bully and blame you.

You may not think it but YOU actually have the upper hand NOT HIM, and you really need to believe that...recite it to yourself if it empowers you.

If you are able to carry on coversations/txts etc with your husband as normal referring to the fact you are staying a little longer at your dad's house to look after him then please do so. Say to him something like you understand he finds it difficult to cope on his own but there is XYZ in the freezer or you will pop back regularly to leave some lovely home cooked meals for him.

In my mind you will then wrong foot him and if it is recorded that you have not actually left the marital home permanently but only on a mission of mercy then he cannot sell from under your feet.

If you do positive things like this where you are in control then you will regain some power, control and self worth.

Remember you are in charge so your action is the way forward not a quivering reaction to his bullying.

We are all with you so TAKE CONTROL.

I would wish you good luck but you do not need it. You can do it.

Cheerfulizzy
First bit of advice.You have done the sensible thing by GETTING OUT.Second. See a solicitor regarding threats concerning sale of house.Are you joint tenants /or tenants in common.Do you have access to the deeds?title?
You can get this information from Land Registry.Or the solicitor will do this for you.
Your husband sounds to me a very insecure person and you have not had a happy marriage.Family will advise you but I am afraid the only route for your peace of mind is the legal one.

Don't go back, why would you. He sounds perfectly horrid.
You have rights, even if all the money is in his name and the house. You have contributed all your life by bringing up his children etc.
My mum lies in a cemetery surrounded by young people, so make sure what life you have left, is a good happy and safe one. I'm sure your children are not stupid and knows what he is like. You maybe able to stay with one of them whilst you sort your life out

His threatening to put the house on the market (he probably can't if it's jointly owned anyway) proves how manipulating he is. Some sort of therapy could help if you get him there. Get legal advice. Men like this are full of bluster and self-importance, which is fragile. He'll threaten you with all sorts so you need to know exactly where you stand. Good luck.

AS someone who has worked in a group looking after abused and controlled women I can only say BE CAREFUL.
If you go home then make your plans, keep them to yourself
and behave as if you are staying with him.
If your Dad is right and he is a Jekyll and Hyde character then it could be unsafe to give the impression that you intend to leave him.

It is the most dangerous point in doomed relationship when the controlling partner realises that his 'prey' is about to get away.

I doubt very much if your husband can sell the family home without reference to you -- certainly not if it's in joint names, and, as PP have said, even if it's not you can still register an interest in it.
If you do see it up for sale a quick phone call to the Estate Agents might be in order . (as well as consulting a solicitor, of course)

Keep the texts and any other evidence you have but make sure you have copies kept somewhere safe in case your husband decides to get hold of your phone to delete them. 2 years ago I bought a small voice recorder in one of the stores for around £20 which has proved invaluable. It is small, like a mobile phone, but you could take this with you when you visit the CAB or WA as it can prove really useful in case you forget what they say to you. I was so nervous when I went years ago that I wished voice recorders had been available then. Should your husband continue to verbally abuse you, it might be an idea to record what he says so that there is no chance he can deny his treatment of you. You will have the proof. Take your courage in both hands, you have a right to a good life. You have taken the first step, now it is time to show him you are stronger than he thinks and he is no longer going to dominate you in any way, and you will receive what you are entitled to in the way of financial settlement no matter what he says. I wish you well.

Even if you do decide to return to the marriage I think it would be wise to seek some legal advice, that way if he starts to bully/threaten you again you will know your rights and will be less intimidated. Knowing what you are entitled to after a split is empowering even if it is just information you keep in the back of your mind! Good luck

I am so sorry, he sounds very unpredictable and nasty, I think the idea of getting a few texts running about how you haven't left just caring for Dad is a really good idea, a paper trail is a must. I think you can get a free half hour with some Solicitors so also good idea plus CAB etc. I am certain he can't just sell the house, so many questions are asked now.

cheerfullizzy I have walked in your shoes. He won't change because he doesn't,t see it as his problem. Even after the divorce, I went back to my ex twice!!! the second time I said to him 'I was worried about living together because of the arguments and he said 'Well you will have to try harder not too' I was dumbfounded. Next step was I bought my apartment and have peace of mind 'priceless'
ps that was five years ago

You have stayed 'because you love your family' I understand that, done so myself. Your husband is sarcastic and insulting sometimes and slow to appreciate that he has done wrong in your eyes. I get that too.

Did you think that he would be perfect?

I expect there are things that you do that get on his nerves.

Have the pair of you considered Relate or similar?

You don't say that he is a brute or a womaniser, gambler, alcoholic, isn't it worth considering saving things?

You may not be 'over the hill' but finding a new life isn't always easy and if you read this GN page regularly you will see howmany people leave a relationship only to re marry and be miserable.

If you are in the Uk you have plenty of rights. You also have your dad so don't seem to be facing any immediate homelessness threat, you sound able to find a job.

If your husband is going through your wardrobe what is he searching for?

We only have one side of every story but long marriages are worth the saving..........

It isn't just about you being over the hill, I have seen friends grubbing around for new relationships among other women's cast offs, it isn't that easy to replace a long term relationship.

Have you thought about your new life, will you re train for something you love to do? Have you started looking for a job?

I would try Relate or similar first and think about what you are going to put into place for the future, rather than just dispensing of something which seems to have worked reasonably well for along time.

Half of all this is about you, what you want and how you are going to make it happen, you haven't mentioned any of that.

Even grown up children regret their parents breaking up.

Bullies thrive by isolating, so only their 'truth' is real. Please get in touch with all the organisations suggested, you will feel less alone, share what has had and is happening. What for you is unique for them it is a familiar story. He knows unconsciously that he is driving you away or into total submission, hence the wardrobe checking. Good thoughts to you
Xxx

You need to see a Solicitor asap to determine your rights.

I haven't read every comment here but if it hasn't been mentioned - he cannot just sell the house without you being involved. You need to lodge a matrimonial charge on the property and you should do that as soon as you feel able. It is a simple procedure which CAB or Womens Aid should help you with.
I agree with people who say that he does not have the upper hand. You could move to be near your children too if you wanted to.
You will probably feel that a weight has been lifted off your shoulders once you take the first steps.