Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

I hope you get some useful information from CA to-day and you come away with positive thoughts as to which way to go,so glad your son and D.I.L are understanding as is your lovely dad.
Keep us updated as to how you got on to-day and stay positive.

I’m afraid I would not be able to return to this man. How long can u stay at your dad’s? The main thing is to take the advice of other posters here and seek advice quietly and calmly, giving yourself time to think what is best for YOU.

I’m amazed that the vast majority have jumped straight in with advice about how to leave, how to get your share, how to get your offspring on your side, etc. Until radicalnan posted there has been no suggestion of reconciliation. One voice of reason among so many. I agree if things are so awful you need to get tough and look after yourself BUT surely after 37 years a visit to Relate is worth a shot. This sort of controlling behaviour can stem from feelings of insecurity, jealousy or plain old habit because it’s been enabled, not by wife but by having employees who don’t answer back etc.
Relate or such like enables both parties to talk without a row and more importantly to listen to how the behaviour of the other makes them feel.
So far he sounds like an insensitive control freak but maybe underneath he can rediscover the kind, hardworking, ambitious, loving husband and father you once loved.
Do you think it’s worth a shot?

Peardrop I think the priority is to find out more about her legal situation. I don't think the OP has made any decision yet about her marriage and Relate can support her which ever course of action she chooses.

He could so easily be my ex!! Exactly the same and the putting you down all the time really gets to you. It’s domestic abuse and you really need to get advice from a solicitor fast to stop him selling the house. Then stand up to his bullying and blackmail. Don’t confront him, stay at your dads for safety. Your children say he cares but he is now showing his true colours. You have a life to live and shouldn’t have to put up with anyone acting this way. Be brave.

My mother used to say, “Well he provides for you and doesn’t beat you” but I was made to feel worthless and a failed wife and mother for 40 years. He said I couldn’t leave as there wasn’t money for us to live separately. Then he met someone else and was gone. That was seven years ago and I have been so happy. There isn’t much money indeed but no-one is looking to see what I am spending it on. I no longer dread coming home, the twitch of the curtain as he watched me arrive.

My only regret is that it didn’t happen 25 years before, at the time that I gave up trying to be what he wanted, or, better still, the morning after the wedding when he no longer felt any need to be Mr. Nice Guy.

Take courage and remember that when the dust settles, however hard it is, your life will be your own.

What incredible support here, thanks to every single one of you.... before dear mum passed away.. she insisted that her & dads house also be put in my name... its a tiny home... but dad has kindly said theres always a place for me here... no.. I have no siblings..& most of my relatives have passed away... thank god Ive still got dad... what would I have done without him... your encouraging posts have meant so much... will kerp you updated when Ive got my thoughts and intentions together... promise.. luv Lizzy x

Just thought I would say how much I agree with what’s been said. He is making very unhappy and you don’t deserve it.
My d left her partner after 17years because he was very controlling, if she went out with friends and came home late he wouldn’t speak to her for days. Didn’t like her working away from home she has to travel in her job.
Enough was enough. Try to get some advice but please don’t go back till and if things are settled.

cheerfullizzy - I work for a domestic abuse charity and reading your messages is all too familiar I'm afraid. You have been strong enough to walk away and tell your family, please think very carefully about your next steps. You are not to blame for any of this behaviour from your husband, he has no right to behave/speak to you or anyone else like that. Please get some support from a domestic violence agency/charity - they can advise you about finances, benefits, dealing with your guilt, and support you through the whole process while you are in turmoil. If you would like to message me privately please do so I would be happy to help if I can x

Why is everyone talking about domestic violence

What you describe is chronic emotional/verbal abuse! You are also under no obligation to respond to manipulative threats and ultimatums (can constitute irreconcilable differences). All of these are justifiable grounds for divorce. You may depend on your H financially, but only as long as you are married to him.

A good solicitor should get you a divorce settlement in which at least half of all the assets that are owned in the marriage (and to which you are entitled) are handed over to you.

While you prepare your case, let him think you are reconsidering his brand of extortion, just to keep him from doing something rash in the meantime. Your husband is not acting in your best interest so it is up to you to do so. Remember too that above all, you deserve to be happy.

Lizzy some great advice already given - I have nothing constructive to add so am just sending you my very best wishes

You have been very brave to leave home (just taking care of your lovely dad, of course). At least your name is on your parents house. Hope you can have a better life very soon.

You ask what I would do? Leave. Your Dad is not stupid and he may well be right. Jekyll and Hyde was two entirely different personalities in one person. Whatever, this guy has 'crossed a line'. Sarcasm and insults? Go to hell, and find the quickest route there - to him, that is, not you. We're not put on this earth to be insulted and have sarcastic remarks thrown at us for no reason. As my DH is fond of saying, there are 2 little words: Trust and Respect. Neither appears to be present in this man's attitude to you. Coercive control is now illegal and it would certainly qualify as a reason for divorce. Do not go back! Stay with your Dad. Sort out your financial affairs ASAP - make sure you have money of your own, own accounts etc. Good luck!

My message to you is to think long and hard about what you really want to happen now. What would be the best possible outcome for you?
Then, when you know what you want, set about making that happen. Get help and advice and try to think and act positively. Best of luck. Go for it.

If you have been married 37 years all assets are joint even if in your husband's name. If you divorce him for unreasonable behavior you should be entitled to half and 1/2 of combined pension pot. 1/2 of value of business too. Judge can order valuation. Go and see solicitor and find out what you might be entitled to before you make decisions.

Am presuming your love for him has been eroded over the years because of his controlling ways ? In that case, Relate may not help, but only you can say if it’s even worth a try. If he is a controller he would probably refuse to go anyway. He sounds a dinosaur too, if he truly feels that it is ok for him to behave in this way these days. As others say, you will be entitled to half of everything including his pension. I too lived with a controller and in my personal experience they cannot change, it’s too deep rooted plus they are in denial that they are doing anything wrong .... it’s evidently your fault, as you make them behave like that !! I have a wonderful solo life now that I don’t have a man holding me down, I have many friends and go to shows, concerts, Opera, holidays etc and I see loads of my kids and grandkids, even holidaying with them when invited. Of course I would love to meet Mr Right, as long as he is not “ Mr Always Right” !! Fly free, and live your life your own way, not someone else’s ?

I did not pursue a career in law but I do have a law degree. I remember it being constantly repeated, critical analysis, thought and argument so with that in mind can I play devils advocate
Husband runs own business, gets used to making all the decisions, giving orders, not being questioned so eventually turns in to a controlling person without being aware. Wife enables this because she’s a kind person who puts family first and likes a peaceful life for her and her family.
Wife retires and gives a day to looking after granddaughter, gives three days to looking after father, perfectly fine and shows her lovely caring nature.
Husband feeling pushed out, envious, losing control but lacks the emotional intelligence to discuss feelings so becomes more controlling.
Wife cooks meal, doesn’t taste great but for sake of harmony all say it’s delicious including husband. Afterwards he tries to tell her privately so that she doesn’t serve it again, she becomes defensive, tells him he’s nasty, insults escalate.
She looks back at other rows and decides he’s always critical. He looks back and thinks she’s always overly sensitive.
She walks out. Both feel aggrieved. They meet in a cafe, she expects him to ride up on a white charger, he expects her to want to come home. She says she’s not ready to come home and goes back to father’s house. He goes home and sends a threatening text out of desperation saying that if she doesn’t come back he might as well sell up and move. He might ask what will the children think of you then when you’ve broken the family?
We can all be incredibly cruel when we are desperate, unhappy, lost.
Not my place to tell my story here but suffice to say my marriage hit the rocks in 1984 under similar circumstances. We had lots of counselling and learned to be much kinder to each other. Still happy together after all.
I am aware that op needs to have her ducks in order just in case but wanted to make the point that reconciliation is also an option worth exploring.
Sorry op if I seem insensitive, sincerely trying to help x

Just want to say well done for the brave decision to move out this alone will have probably with any luck shown him he can not treat you this way he is probably panicking and making threats because he still feels this is how to scare and manipulate you .Whatever you do tell your family about the situation the reason he has got away with it for so long is because he won't have thought you would tell anyone. I left after 27 year it was difficult but now 7 years on so worth it for the peace of mind it's brought to my life .I just wish my parents had still been alive when I eventually left him they would have been such a help and support like your dad is to you .

I haven't time to check, but I think op said her mother wanted the parents' house put into the name of op.

If dad's home is already in the name of op..... Would this not be an asset of op and thus would the husband not be entitled to a share.??

Of course if husband doesn't know the dad's house is now in op 's name.......... (If indeed it is)............

I'm so glad that you have shared this with your adult children; it takes away the power from him really and just might make him think. Also I wonder if your responses sort of encourage this weird power games from him ...I totally understand you getting upset but if he criticised my cooking like you described then I'd say "Ok. Next time you do it! " And when everyone turned up tell the Dad is cooking as he doesn't like what I cook or if he hasn't done anything say Oh well we'll have to go out as dad didn't like my cooking last time! In other words call him out! Hope you can sort it the very best way for you

Try to keep your children out of this. Despite your husband's faults he is their father and there is nothing worse for children, even when adult, to feel that they have to take sides if their parents' marriage breaks down. Much better to seek support from a third party such as Relate who are trained to support couples in coming to an understanding of their difficulties, whether this ultimately results in reconciliation or divorce. My husband's ex wife is a bitter and unforgiving person who continues to poison his children's views of him years after their break up. He's not a bad person, actually a very kind and generous one, they just weren't suited it seems, and every Christmas and birthday I witness his tears and the huge sadness he feels when they still won't acknowledge him. My first marriage also ended in divorce but in contrast we went out of our way to keep our relationship cordial and not to drag the children (then in their teens) into our disagreements. They have continued to have good relationships with both of us and also now with our new spouses. Good luck.

I understand the principal of keep adult children out of it but clearly if husband is using telling lies about her to them it is completely wrong for her to collude with his nastiness. Sometimes truth hurts for ACs but it cant always be avoided

Peardrop50 emotional abuse is a long lasting form of domestice violence. Believe me, I still suffer from a lack of self-confidence because of 26 years of it and that's 20 years on.

cheerfullizzy I think that you've done the right thing for yourself in leaving. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you know all your legal rights so that you don't have to worry about that part of things. If you do decide to go back to your husband, make sure that you have some good quality counselling that will be of benefit to you both.

Don't let emotional blackmail win - stand up for yourself.

I am so glad you've got your Dad to stay with as it's much harder to be on your own when you are trying to sort out what you should do.

Be strong Lizzy and I hope whatever you decide is the best path for you.

You Cheerfullizzie.... my heart bleeds for you...welcome to my world. My husband is the most placid , benign, quiet,agreeable man that anyone knows...when he is in other people's company!!! When they aren't with us he turns into a controlling.. manipulative..obnoxious human being!! I am financially dependent on him...he always made sure if that! And I'm stuck like you in limbo!! Nobody would believe his behaviour... because of his wonderful smile that is on his face around folk. Who ever knows what goes on behind closed doors eh! Try make your own life... I spend as much time out of his presence as possible even if I'm walking the streets or riding the buses( don't drive.... he saw to that!!) . I'm so sorry for you and I know EXACTLY where you're coming from . Good luck whatever you do! And everybody out there who wants to conciliate by 'talking' to him... believe me these men don't do conciliatory!!