Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

Peardrop50....I've just got to say to you... who seems to think that saving a marriage is the best thing to do. It's not!! Getting out of a long -term marriage IS the best thing. Our generation was led or pushed into what can only be described as legalised slavery! Housework, washing, ironing, cleaning, gardening , child rearing, nursing the poor little men when they've got 'man-flu'... oh you've got it as well, but that is never as bad as theirs.!! Once the kids are flown just what the hell do we keep doing it for eh!! Just to get slagged off once or twice a week cos there's no milk in the fridge!! Stuff it peardrop50....you may think mean and marriage are preferable to freedom...but many of us don't.

Saggi.... reading your post bought a lump to my throat.... can't believe how your situation resembles mine exactly... I too spend time out of his presence... at dads... but he does often come to see granddaughter with me..& I also dont drive... go to shopping centre for time to myself etc..... where abouts are you saggi.. im in london borough of Havering... how I feel for you.. thank you for sharing your feelings & hope you change things for a better future..we can be a support for each other.. x

Good morning ladies... just to say thanks again to you all... yesterday I tok a deep beath... got myself out...& acted on your advice... feeling braver from all your mesages I went to a printing shop in the town center & got the threatening texts printed off to keep here at Dads for future evidence... then sought some legal answers at the CAB.... although they said they are not solicitors they clearly put me right about things..& ive emailed a solicitor.... then this morning ive had a text.. husband wants to meet to talk... if I do meet.. I will say that I want to meet in the town center or publuc place rather than go to the house. It will be on my terms...... its going to be a tough day... Im trying to be strong.....

Well done you!
You can discus your future far better when you are in possession of facts; you won't be so susceptible to harassment or bullying as you realise you have options open to you, and you can make decisions based on what you want.
Good luck.

Peardrop that was brilliant and hit the nail right on the head. Living with someone is hard as none of us are perfect but after all this time together it is worth trying to get to the root of things and maybe sort things out. I am sure your children would be relieved.

I’m so sorry to hear your problem . You have been living in an abusive relationship for years and now here he is, having to finally fend for himself and is threatening you with more abuse unless you come back to resume looking after him . Go to your family and tell them not only what he has been doing all these years , but also what he’s threatening to do. Then go to a solicitor and talk over leaving for good. You are his legal wife. You are entitled to your share of the house and maybe even more. Please don’t put up with any more. I can recommend a book to you that helped me to leave an abusive relationship. It’s calked” Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers” . Don’t be put off by the title . It’s pure gold. In it , your situation is described as travelling with HIM on a fast moving train... every time you threaten to jump he says he ll change and stay as the train is going to Happy ever after but one day, you do jump and although your a bit battered and bruised , you are free. I wish you all the best. Leave. You have made that jump!

Cheerful Izzy, I too am in a similar situation to you. Married 31 years to a bullying control freak talks exactly the same as yours putting me down, controlling everything and everyone if he can.3 adult children still at home, I’m at end of the road he does as he pleases holiday with his parents goes out with neighbours couple, I feel like a housekeeper, rarely sleep in ‘his’ bed/room (which is ours) if I do then he squashed me and digs into my body with his elbows s I never sleep!
I too need to decide to go it alone or shut up and put up as he holds the power house in his name I’ve onky a small part time job income so I’m just so frightened to decide as well because all kidadults still live at home although they all have partners but saving desperately. As soon as he’s in from work they all disappear! He sits down and ssays where’s my dinner then most days it’s oh what’s this **! HELP please any sdvice?

Go back. ~Take legal advice on how to exit with maximum financial advantage. See Citizens Advice. Set up a separate bank account and expect to take just under a year to get out with half his pension and half the house value.

I agree with Emily, take your time, planning is the key to this, as my DM used to say, ‘get all your ducks in a row’
If you rush out of the family Home without any financial planning you could regret it in the long run.

Long marriages are not worth saving if they put you at risk. I divorced 4 years ago after being married for 42 years and realised I couldn't try anymore. Controlling men can turn violent if they feel they can't stop you leaving or control you anymore ( I'm proof) I've never been happier since I left and you are younger then I was. Get a good solicitor you are entitled to all sorts of things. Don't stay you can have a better life than this.

Oh Saggi and Sparkle199 my first husband was just like yours. No-one could understand why I left "such a nice man"!

The best thing I ever did was to leave him even although everyone thought I was the villain in the drama. It was tough but I am so glad now that I did.

Even though

I feel so sad for all of you in this situation. Take note of the fact that whatever the threats about leaving you destitute etc etc its not true...you hae rights. So scary ...but please listen to those on here advising that they were in your situation, got out of it and SURVIVED!!

cheerfullizzy Well done. You rock !!!
Do pay attention to what others say about keeping your cards close to your chest. Don't let him guess what you are planning, get lots of advice and sort those ducks.

Sparkle 199, the house may be in his name but you may well be entitled to 50% of the marital assets so I would get some legal advice. Most solicitors offer half an hour free and if you get some idea of where you stand on the financial front that might give you some idea of where you want to go.

Good luck