Why can't they cope?

paganqueen. I too have feelings similar to yours, sometimes making me feel very guilty as if I am being judgemental. I had a very tough time, dealing with a difficult husband while I was doing several jobs, then becoming a young widow and dealing with moving house and doing some difficult things to provide a home for them. Sometimes as I see how easy their lives are by comparison I just realise it is a totally different world now. Sadly they will probably never know what I went through. However, for me the worst thing is the feeling that we have very little in common now. Their outlook is so different.

I married and moved to Sweden didnt know the language for a year, didnt know anyone except my husbands family who were great, we had our Daughter a year later but I didnt have any help except when my Mum and Dad visited from the UK, I just got on with things, didnt actually think about it, its only when people talk about their experiences I realise what I did, must add my Husband was a gem,I wish he was still around.

I do think some young parents today seem to expect to have 'free time', date nights, etc.

My mother who was born nearly a 100 years ago told me it is very important to have to time alone with your partner/husband when you have children. She helped me to have time off and I help my dd to have time off.

I also found when I was a young mother that I needed "me time".

But the main thing I get from this is that we are all different. In my lifetime I've met a mother of ten who still had her figure, her looks and her sanity and people who can't cope with just one child. Why a mother and her daughter being different should be generalised to a generational problem I don't understand.

My stepson and his wife told us they didn’t have money to get a babysitter so they could attend my father in laws funeral which was a two hour drive from them. So we gave them money the sitter would charge for eight hours. They came to the funeral . The next weekend I see on FB pictures of their food they are eating at a fancy restaurant and of their hotel room they got for a get away weekend while the other grandparent babysat.
Our blood was boiling.

Coy, My mum told me the same. Difference was she didn’t offer to have the children. Our ‘time together’ was in the evening, after the children were in bed, though we wouldnt have had the money to go out anyway. We literally had to count the pennies.

MOnica My two children were born within the first four years of our marriage. My own mother's words will always stay with me 'You made your bed etc etc'. said to me when she was on one of her in/frequent ! visits and I had shed a few tears over both her GC full of coughs and sneezes and DH had been 'on call' and had worked through out the night
I accepted to have 'made my bed' but unlike my mother ,I vowed to be there for my own children. in whatever way I could. Why not?what parent would not want, for their children what they them selves not had.
In moderation' which like many things in life frequently ignored. Hence the word 'snowflakes'.
The ' view from the bridge' is of myself as a grandparent who has been happy to give ' support' to her children which I cannot see to be as' coddling.'.

Luckily I'm not a friend on social media of my AC. That saves us all from embarrassment.
My parents' generation had a hard time, no doubt, and thought we were snowflakes, probably.
We had a washing machine and our own house! We got to go out occasionally. We had babysitting circles and playgroups. We did DIY. It was mostly fun. I didn't stay in a hotel until quite recently because our holidays were always camping with all the kids and the dog.

Our AC do expect a different lifestyle. They are told you must have a new baby car seat incase a 2nd hand one has been in a crash. You mustn't have a 2nd hand cot mattress because it could harbour bacteria which could kill a baby.
Have you seen the price of new buggies?
It seems a pity that our "old wife" advice is less important than what they hear from the media.

I must admit, several young but distant relatives or children of friends post tales of parenting woe as if they are martyrs. They want recognition for doing the job that's been done for thousands of years - mostly in less comfortable surroundings.

Things like being woken in the night, getting up early for the school run, teething children, children being grizzly, sitting in on a Saturday night, not being able to go out etc. They are greeted with

"Oh poor you. It's awful. Are you OK hun?"

The replies of sympathy and horror make me smile.I want to say "Just get on with it! That's what you signed up for when you got pregnant"

It's the end of the world, isn't it?

Then they post about the bliss of packing the children off to the grandparents and having 'us time'. Or the holidays they have booked or the weekends away, minus children. Oh I am sure there are parents who have few luxuries but they all seem to post about their misfortunes and need recognition.

I really want to laugh but at times I get cross and hope they count their blessings. Child care/parenting has never been easy but we have a generation who seem to think they are exceptional and brave because they are coping with it.

I think parents today have different expectations than we did - maternity leave and keeping your job open for you, maternity pay, nurseries available, school nurseries starting at 3 years instead of having to wait until your child was 5, holidays that are themed around families rather than couples, places to eat out ditto. Because my late DH and I didn't have childcare we didn't go out as a couple for many years until we could safely leave our DC at home (teens). Holidays were camping in South Wales. We only had a computer because DH was able to build one himself (and repair it). No mobile phones - DH had a pager from work but that was it. DC didn't get mobile phones until they could pay for them. My DGC all have a phone, laptop etc. I do admit I volunteered to babysit when DGC were tiny onwards so my DD and (now ex) SIL could have Friday night/Saturday day to themselves as this was something I never had with DH. I still babysit so DD can go out with her friends once a month or so - I think it is important that she can have a social life, she works hard in a demanding job to pay the mortgage (ex SIL has come out of work so he pays nothing) and bills. I think every generation moans - and the generation before thinks how on earth would they have coped with our lives.

Well, I suppose we were made of sterner stuff. I must admit my husband was also away, but 8n Africa we had crèches and kindergartens, we made it work.

I worked full t8me, always.

Too much of everything for too little effort.

Honestly! The lass has Asperger's - only dropped in at OP's third contribution to the thread! That is why she needs time to herself, and very likely why she constantly complains. I know it can get tedious listening to it, but it's not unexpected. Lots of young parents might well feel 'entitled' and be undeserving, but I think this one needs to be cut a bit of slack!

My mother was of the ' you made your bed ' school of thought sarahellen it was hard at the time but I did get on with things unaided. However I'm not sure the long term effects were good as I find it difficult to empathise and be supportive at times.
Our children have things easier in some ways but I think their lives are much more stressful. Worry about job security, cost of housing , expectations arising from social media.
It's a different world.

I think lots of them do, NemosMum. The picture being painted on here of whining, entitled young mums certainly doesn’t match the ones I know.

I think it’s the internet that bombards young people now with fantastic fantasy lives of being able to have it all and being entitled to have it all. Young women’s expectations are much much higher than ours were. Also my parents and parents in law were of the attitude we have done our childcare days so don’t ask. My kids never stopped the night at grans where I have my greandchildren at least overnight once a month at least.

Also I was a sahm with a dh who worked away so had to just get on with it. I had 3 under 5 at old point.

I have to say my AC are very greatful for any help and certainly not entitled.

I preferred my world to this one though. Fun playgroups run by mums, no ofsted nonsense so far less stress in schools and affordable houses with 100% mortgages.

And no bloody Brexit

I agree with nemosmum. The OP did say that her daughter is Asperger. That must make a huge difference. Until we have walked in other’s shoes, we shouldn’t judge.

She probably only complains to you because you are closest to her.

We lived in a shoe !!!
Hold on there’s a rhyme about that

@Ironmaiden My daughter does have aspergers but she has had a job with children for 8 years, she copes very well with her issues and is much more capable than my son, also an aspie, who like your son sit's in the corner of our lounge playing computer games all day, he's 18 and never went to school as he couldn't cope. A boy and girl Aspie are very different people, believe me.

I think the difference for today's parents is that they both have to work full time due to high housing costs. When I had my kids in the 90s it was assumed mum stopped at home for maternity leave and possibly then went back to work part time. And so could do the lions share of childcare and housework. My dd has a 1 year old works fulltime shifts as does her partner. Because they have a big mortgage and she has student loan to repay. They have less time and energy as a family than I did. I feel sorry for the younger generation

There are a lot of people insinuating that I am saying "oh I had it so much worse that my daughter. " OK I didn't live in a cardboard box, bean can or matchbox. I lived in a 3 bedroom house with a 100% mortgage with one income of £1000 a month, the interest rate was at the highest level, we paid £900 a month for our mortgage. We were so broke one month we had to do a boot fair with a 2 month old baby strapped to my chest, to sell our belongings just to afford food. We lived off beans on toast and a chicken did 3 meals. I had 4 children, yes I chose to have 4 children but I didn't choose to have 2 with autism. My son never went to school because he was too violent, I had to restrain him and stand between him and my 3 daughters while he threw chairs at them. So yes I had it hard, but you know what, I loved every minute of it. I wanted to be with my children, I hated it when they went back to school after the summer holidays and I have never, not even when we first met, been to a restaurant with my husband because I already had a child whose father I left because he beat me, we still can't go out because we have an 18 year old who can't be left alone. I chose to look after my children myself and not have babysitters because I couldn't trust anyone after my eldest daughter was sexually abused at 2 years old by a 12 year old girl she was playing with. So please don't insinuate that I didn't have it hard. I had no help from any parents, my mother didn't want myself and my siblings let alone look after my children.
Yes my daughter has Aspergers and yes I am very proud of her for working in a nursery for 8 years and having a life with her partner and a child. I didn't say I wasn't, I actually said I find it hard to sympathise with her when she moans about trivial things like not having me time or her partner having a better night staying in with their son than she did. I just find it hard to understand her problems.

I would be exactly the same as you, paganqueen.
I'm of the 'you made your bed' camp.
As far as I'm concerned, that is how children are taught.
When they're small we learn to say "up you get, you're ok!" instead of carrying them in case they fall, and that is how they learn.
Just the same as when they're older, they don't learn if they're constantly bailed out at the slightest hiccup.

Having moved away from my home town when I got married and raised 5 children without any family support whatsoever I’m frequently astonished by the amount of family support both expected and given these days to young parents. I know how I struggled with my children at time especially on weeks my husband was away from home (one in two) but I had no option but to cope. When my children became parents I was very keen to help and provide the support I would have appreciated myself and so that’s what we’ve done. Both practical and financial support. And now with grandchildren who are starting families.

But we were only talking the other night about this and we think we may have provided too much support instead of encouraging them (by not being as eager to offer help) to stand on their own feet and I’ve decided to gradually and I hope gently reduce the amount of support I provide. I’ve already said no to some unexpected childminding when simply rearranging something was an easy fix. And I’ll start asking the ‘is there some reason you can’t do that yourself’ question more if I’m asked to make phone calls or write emails because ‘you’re better at it’. Given the chance to do it all over again I would still provide support but be much more aware of the risk of generating ongoing dependency into our old age.

The other thing I wanted to say, while also acknowledging that Aspergers needs to be taken into account, that I’ve seen quite a lot of what I can only call resentment from young parents about having to care for their children themselves. I believe this is one of the main reasons for arguments between parents about who should what and who does most, sometimes at the expense of the child’s well being. I find it difficult to understand even allowing for the difference in societal norms norms.

Good points Tartlet. We have 2 GC a boy of 6y and a girl of 2y. When the boy was born I went into a coffee shop with my daughter and her then 2 week old precious boy. Whilst waiting for the coffee I picked up a newspaper from the display and one article absolutely resonated. The journalist was saying she wanted to be a grandmother - a fun person and a much welcomed occasional extra pair of hands and not a ‘surrogate mum’. It struck a cord and I’ve always thought it good advice.

Sarahelenwhitney what did I say to trigger your diatribe? I have gone back to page 1 and reviewed my only post on this thread and can see nothing in it to object to so.

Supporting ones children, and coddling them are two entirely different things. The concern is that you cannot see the difference.