Distant daughter

Lots of ideas here, but don't exclude the possibility she may simply be the sort of person who has more time for people who are the most useful to her at the time. That won't necessarily be the fault of her upbringing - kids are born with embryonic personality traits of their own. Not sure if you said her age somewhere in this thread, but my daughter grew out of her youthful selfishness, and started thinking about other people's emotional needs, while my son didn't (both now in their 40s). So it may simply be a matter of time. Does she pick up the phone to you and answer when you text? If so, there is hope

When I had 3 young children I lived 10 minutes from my
in-laws and they helped out so much , I was very gratefull.
Meanwhile my Mum lived a 40 minute drive away and was
working full time, she had no phone at home and personal
calls were taboo at work.
I used to drive over as often as I could on her day off and
can say it honestlty was my 'sanctury'from my own life and
demands. She never complained about not being too involved with her Grandchildren and my visits to her were often my
my highlights.
2 of my daughters are now busy mums and I'm following my
mother's example.

Just wanted to let you know that my oldest DD lived much closer to her in-laws than me and although I tried to make arrangements she was always busy seeing her in-laws. At the time I tried not to let it bother me. Since her divorce she’s told me that her in-laws were very pushy and she didn’t feel able to say no to them. Her children were my first grandchildren and I had fears that I would never have a good relationship with them. All is well now.

Hopefully this will pass. Just keep in touch, even if it’s only a text message. She will know you are thinking of her. To me that’s the best thing you can do just now.

As another poster mentioned, maybe your DD's in-laws are more demanding. One of our DiLs always said we were the least demanding of the GPs (3 sets due to divorce). Unfortunately that means we also get the least consideration. Sometimes you can't win!

leeds22

As another poster mentioned, maybe your DD's in-laws are more demanding. One of our DiLs always said we were the least demanding of the GPs (3 sets due to divorce). Unfortunately that means we also get the least consideration. Sometimes you can't win!

Squeaky wheels and all that...

Is it possible that she hasn't been married that long and is trying desperately hard to fit in with inlaw side of the family? Just a thought.

Her life is full. She knows that at the moment, you are managing day to day, so she's getting on with her own life. If you'd like to see them, you are going to have to be the one 'doing'. Ask which day you can pop round. Just for half an hour to catch up. And when you do, do not outstay your welcome!

When my children were small my inlaws lived about an hour and a quarter's drive away while my mum lived about 220 miles away. Consequently we could go to the inlaws, or them to us, for a day. To visit my mum meant a minimum of a weekend and even that was exhausting as the journey was very long. Add to that the fact that my inlaws were very demanding and my then husband (now ex) wasn't keen on seeing my mum. I didn't see her more than twice a year though she didn't complain. I often wonder now how she really felt. I did however phone every week - in the days before mobiles, texts and WhatsApp! We alternated who called 'til she got so forgetful that I rang every time!

I know she saw more of my brother and his family as they lived about a 10 minutes drive away, but they did use her as a babysitter and didn't see her much socially while they went out with my SiL's parents regularly, often going on holiday with them too. SiL would often leave the kids with her to go shopping with her mum and sister and didn't stay when picking them up afterwards, even if invited to come for lunch - they had already had lunch in town on their shopping trip!

After I split up from my ex I saw her slightly more but by then it was hard for me to visit around work commitments and my children were teenagers by then. I know my children had a much closer relationship with their paternal GPs which is sad.
If I had my time again I'd have made more effort to insist we visited her more often, even at the risk of annoying my ex or maybe going just with the children, though she did usually spend some time with us for a week in the summer, always whinged about by the ex!

I think the other GPs being demanding is a likely scenario. Do you get on with your son-in-law? My ex often caved in when his parents put on the pressure and I remember pointing out to my in-laws how long it had been since we visited my mum, when they were pressurising us.

I hope the suggestion to instigate some regular get togethers as lockdown eases improves things for you.

Your daughter is a busy person and so are you, She may well feel you are too busy for anything extra. The thing I’ve noted from your op is that you know how much she sees of her in laws. How do you know? Does this just come from her when you’ve asked what she’s been doing or where she’s been? If you do use text, message etc to contact her it will be easier but whatever you do, don’t give up and remember social distancing is easing so suggest she pops round or, if it’s more convenient for her, for you to pop round. Do ask her how she is herself and whether she needs any help with anything or anything getting if you’re shopping. Ask for her advice on something. Don’t be afraid to mentioned, at some point, how the social restrictions have made it difficult, but how much you miss her.

You do not say how long ago your daughter married or when she had her child.

It strikes me she has been putting a lot of time and energy into making a good relationship to her in-laws and has simply taken your love for granted while she was doing so.

We all know the in-law relationship can be difficult. Do you know if she has been having trouble with them?

Wait til restrictions are lifted then invite them for lunch or something similar, preferably son-in-law as well.

If your daughter says they are busy, say you appreciate that, and you are too, but you have missed her (them) dreadfully, so you hope you can find a convenient time.

If that does not work, you will need to ask straight out whether you have said or done anything that has hurt her.

If she says, "No, of course not." there isn't much more you can do, unless you can say jokingly, " I suppose, I am just jealous of your mother-in-law, she seems to see you more than I do." However, that is the kind of remark that could back-fire, so perhaps you shouldn't risk it.

I think its hard for us older ones to remember that it is true - though it may take a bit of getting used to - that we are probably more interested in the lives of our children and grandchildren than they are in ours. Of course we matter to them and we hope there is love on all sides. But the younger ones are usually busy in ways we may not be any more and they are focusing on their children more than looking towards the generations before them. I suppose I"m saying, we will be happier if we don't have any particular expectations but continue to love and connect with them in ways which work for us and the next generations. If they don't see us or contact us as much as we'd like - its important not to create 'stories' in our minds about what this may mean.
Its easy to imagine all sorts of upsetting things which are in fact highly likely to be wrong - when in fact they are just busy!

This has got me thinking!
I don’t think I see any of my Grandchildren as a “special visit”, my daughter lives close and I see my Grandson when I am doing after school or helping with online lessons.
My twin Granddaughters, now 22 used to be here all the time, as my Daughter and family live literally at the end of my garden.
My other Grandson, who I’m not in a bubble with, I’ve only seen waving from the car when my son comes to pick something up. But, then again I don’t see as much of this Grandson in non Covid times, as her Mother does the after school etc. The only time I see him really is if he’s staying over night if they’re going to a hotel.
To be fair, I am quite involved in my Daughters family life but only when helping out and I’m also invited to all birthdays, Christmas etc.
I’ve never thought about it, that I only see them if I’m helping as, isn’t that what you do?

She's a young Mum. Her life revolves around supporting her child. Yes, everyone is rated by how much help they can offer! It's not about you.

Can you text/message regularly rather than talk? I find I’m in more regular contact with my mother in law now than my own mum because MIL is prepared to use to engage in little snippets but my mum refuses to. Little and often is sometimes better than long talks if you’re busy. Sometimes we just send each other funny memes/jokes - just helps to build a sense of being connected without taking up loads of time. May help to increase communication between you and make it easier to say how you’re feeling.

Daisymae

Oh, you made me smile! I always hear from mine when they want something or if something is amiss. I'm currently numero Uno when it comes to troubleshooting!

It made me smile too ??

chattykathy

Now is the ideal time to arrange a meet up in the garden, yours or hers. When you leave make another arrangement, would you like to come to me next week? etc. Try to create a habit like she has with the in laws. I believe in being proactive ?

I've done this before but she always has to check what they are doing and just doesn't get back to me so I've given up

GoldenAge

Menonan - did your daughter 'bubble' with her in-laws because of being geographically closer last year? If so, she has got into a routine and that's easily done when you're a busy mum with children because routine is better than no routine. The difficulty is that if she is in that routine you need to break into that and you can do that from Monday onwards - you can meet as a six and this is where you should be proactive. A phone call pointing out how hard it's been for you to cope with the distance during lockdown and how you now want to be back in her life and the lives of the gc. Good luck

No she didn't bubble up with them, they have just met for walks on days out plus face timed each other

JaneJudge

I would just talk to her about it? I had quite a difficult relationship with my Mum when my children were small and I honestly think it's because she used to get upset (like you are) and instead of talking to me about it she would say 'oh you see so and so more than me' etc etc and I saw it as a criticism. Weirdly now my children are older we get on really well and I want to see her and talk to her.

I think this last 12 months have been awful for people though in so many ways, so I really wouldn't take anything PERSONAL. It might be her husband is a bit domineering re his parents too, or they are as someone else suggested.

Everything will be okay

I do have to clarify she doesn't have any idea I feel like this, I would never say anything for fear of upsetting her and falling out and when we do speak I don't mention anything about how much time she spends with the in laws . They are lovely people with a big family so are very sociable so I get that,it just upsets me that I'm only contacted when I'm needed to babysit and not for anything else

Natasha76

I can see that you are upset by this but what are your options here? If you tell her how this is making you feel there is a chance you will fall out with each other.
I often have a word with myself and say if you can't change a situation change your reaction to it. Its very difficult to do but does help if you can achieve it. In your circumstances I would be saying to myself I need to call my daughter to see how she is and I would concentrate on starting the conversation with "I'm calling to ask how you are and what you've been doing " try to focus on her. Feelings of being used and resentment don't get you anywhere in life but unhappy and dissatisfied whereas if you can focus on a positive aspect it can lift your mood.
For the record my daughter rings me every couple of days and my son once a month if he remembers.

Once a month would be great,I haven't heard from them since Christmas ?

HannahLoisLuke

I get cross reading about adult children who only contact their parents when they want something. Being busy is not a good excuse either, they are being selfish and thoughtless. How many use their parents as free childcare without a thought about how tiring young children are and then complain if the parent doesn’t follow their rules to the letter. They should try looking after their own children for a bit!
Anyway, that’s my rant. I don’t know what to offer in the way of advice Menonan, I’m very lucky with my children. Just sending you a hug xx

Thank you for the hug ?

4allweknow

You were contacted no doubt when your DD wanted something no matter how busy she was. What's changed? Still busy but can't be bothered or you no longer have the essential commodity ie childminding. Seems your DD moves to those who can fulfill certain needs. Call her and just be upfront about why you don't have any visits to see your GS. Deep down you will know if your DDs behaviour is unsurprising or not and you may have to accept how she is in relation to you.

The change was that I couldn't babysit because of covid ?so basically was no longer useful

ReadyMeals

Lots of ideas here, but don't exclude the possibility she may simply be the sort of person who has more time for people who are the most useful to her at the time. That won't necessarily be the fault of her upbringing - kids are born with embryonic personality traits of their own. Not sure if you said her age somewhere in this thread, but my daughter grew out of her youthful selfishness, and started thinking about other people's emotional needs, while my son didn't (both now in their 40s). So it may simply be a matter of time. Does she pick up the phone to you and answer when you text? If so, there is hope

She's mid 30s ,she does answer if I call or text so that's something, I know there is basically nothing wrong with our relationship as we do get on really well apart from this situation

I don’t think our children care as much about us, as we do about them. I’m sure there are always exceptions.
I totally understand how you feel about the in-laws. But I’d be very careful saying anything to your daughter about it.
I was in a similar situation, no grandchildren though. I made the mistake of telling my son how I felt. Expecting him to understand and maybe having a bit of sympathy. But the opposite happened, he was furious with me. We are now estranged. I haven’t seen him for 4 years . I wish I just put up with it and not said anything.

I’d see how things are when we come out of lockdown. Things might change. Everyone has been under a lot of stress.

2020convert

Your daughter is a busy person and so are you, She may well feel you are too busy for anything extra. The thing I’ve noted from your op is that you know how much she sees of her in laws. How do you know? Does this just come from her when you’ve asked what she’s been doing or where she’s been? If you do use text, message etc to contact her it will be easier but whatever you do, don’t give up and remember social distancing is easing so suggest she pops round or, if it’s more convenient for her, for you to pop round. Do ask her how she is herself and whether she needs any help with anything or anything getting if you’re shopping. Ask for her advice on something. Don’t be afraid to mentioned, at some point, how the social restrictions have made it difficult, but how much you miss her.

She posts on Facebook about what they've been up to

I also have a daughter who is a lot like this. Sometimes hear nothing for ages, no replies to messages etc. I’ve learnt that often she is overwhelmed by work, or ill, or the little one (aged 3) and has just turned her phone off, or genuinely forgets ! Time passes more quickly in her world I think . If she needs me or DH she is all over us! She work hard at her relationship with her mother in law and she is ‘difficult’ but lives closer. I also have had to remember to ask how she is - sometimes I think when we get grandchildren we forget about our own child and their needs. My daughter once - lightheartedly - commented that it seemed I cared more for her son than for her. It made me wonder how that felt - not very good and I’ve made it clear some that she is my first love ! When you can try and have a heart to heart with her to see if there are any problems you are unaware of. Meanwhile you just have to keep this lines of communication open and ask about her. This year has been a horror for everyone and you have my sympathy in trying to deal with this .