my life has become a nightmare.

farnorth It is something you learn . Just the same as when you have a baby you have no idea what you are doing but you just have to get on with it

I hope when I get too old to look after myself I don`t become a nuisance to my children , I tried to set them a good example by looking after my own Mum and making her last months as happy as possible . It really upsets me the way some talk about their elderly relatives , we all get old (if we are lucky) it is just part of life - this is not directed at Ethel btw but some of the comments seem quite harsh

Ethelbags you have survived a horrid illness ,don't let this upset with your mother grind you down. Can your dd give a hand? And heed what some of these posters say,in particular insisting on a visit from your mother's GP - not a locum but the real McCoy .

I sympathise totally ethelbags. I have a very difficult situation with my elderly mother who is 92 and in constant intractable pain with arthritis, on morphine, lives alone (14 miles away) and refuses to have SWs involvement. She was assessed by SS after attending A&E when she cut her head open after falling and they provided a 17year old to do her evening meal, ie warming up instant meal in microwave and not clearing up afterwards! She had to pay towards this too after completing an in depth financial assessment. We have bought various aids, alarm system, wheelchair etc. for her and key safe. There is a lot of good advice on here about how to access help, and I do hope you have managed to do so now. If funds allow it is definitely better to choose your own care company provider. Sadly what can be provided and what is needed are not necessarily the same thing. Age UK in this area provides a service for housework, shopping - not personal care - £22 for 2 hours and my mum accepts and likes this. Good luck. Hope it works out and importantly look after yourself.

You poor thing ethelbags what an awful situation to be in. I really hope things get sorted out for you and your mum quickly, you will end up needing a carer otherwise!!!

When DH went into Hospital Nov 2012 it was thought he had Pneumonia but it turned out to be Terminal Lung Cancer, he was too weak for Chemo/Radio Therapy. My DM was coming for Christmas (she was nearly 84) & my DD had come up from Devon to Somerset to go & collect DM from Taunton with me. This was on 22nd Dec & I was told by Palative Care Nurse that he would be discharged home - the look of horror on my face, I explained I could not manage both DM & DH at same time.

Within 10 minutes of my DD & myself returning home for a coffee I had a phone call to say he was being moved to a local Nursing Home the following day. He never returned home, even in the Nursing Home they could not get him out of bed with the hoist as he was in so much pain. I could not have cared for him at home no matter what help had been offered.He died Feb 2013 pain free & at peace

I had Pneumonia last year, 5 weeks in Hospital, OTs made sure I was fully mobile & provided a shower stool & raised toilet seat. Lady from local Community Care Group was lovely, until recently I had a Befriender, I still attend the monthly Lunch & monthly Afternoon Tea. the support network is there (I'm only 61) should I need extra care at some point

I have also been involved in arranging care for my BiL & Mil both now deceased - it's a battle but persevere & don't let them push you into caring for your DM on your own - use whatever ammunition you have ie. your health, job etc. Good Luck Ethelbags

f77ms I think ethel's DM lives near her but not in the same house.
For reasons she has posted before it could be difficult to have her living with her (sorry ethel, to presume what you may say but I think you must be very busy at the moment trying to sort things out). I may be wrong.

I know that, although I would have had my MIL living with me when she became very frail, it was the right decision that DH made not to do that. She could start an argument in an empty room and if you agreed with her for a bit of peace she would then take the opposite view. I was very fond of her though despite that!

We have a Carelink Plus contract, which includes a keybox outside the front door, which the carers can access if necessary

Just a thought. Why not buy an outside key box from Amazon or DIY (under £20)and ask a local friend/neighbour to pop in at lunch time just to check on her until you can find a more satisfactory solution. A difficult situation for you and so frustrating to have to wait to be assessed. Good luck.

bellesisabelle Only when you walk in Ethels shoes can you know what she is going through and having been in a similar situation I speak from experience.

I went through similar circumstances with my nan and it was hellish trying to get her the help she needed. Do you know whether your mum's condition is temporary, or likely to be permanent? The only real advice I can offer is to ask the GP for a supporting letter to Social Services, and to emphasise that your mother is vulnerable in every communication you have - vulnerable should = more of an emergency! There is often nobody caring for the carers, and it sounds as though you at least need a bit of time-out and a few nights decent sleep. Is there anybody else in the family, or friends of your mums, neighbours of hers etc that could do anything to help you? Could you change the times she does her evening painkillers, or prepare supper when doing the evening meal to save a trip and some time? Is there a neighbour that you could entrust a key to? I feel for you as, like so many these days, you are getting trapped in a no-win situation. I hope you get the help and support you need, quickly, and wish you and your mum well for 2017.

I feel for you. On a positive note as one who relies very greatly on social workers and carers for 95 year old MIL they are superb. We live 90 mins away and everything is in place and works for her to keep in her own home. Occasionally there is a slip up but also lovely instances when carers go out of their way to help in areas not required or expected of them.

Hope it all works for you. Be patient it might take time but hope it works for you as well as it does for us. We are very lucky.

etheltbags1 sorry you are going through this.

You could book some care yourself whilst waiting for the assessment by Social Services.

What usually happens is Social Services assess when the person in in hospital, to make it safe for them to come home.

Good luck.

When my Nan became a faller I brought her to live with me my eldest daughter went into the bedroom with her brother and sister and Nan had the little room It was very very difficult and as the dementia took over I was run ragged ( and I was younger than Ethel) got very little sleep but did get help in the way of bed sides that little tiny Nan managed to throw across the room and roll out of bed so I was up two or three times a night I got a sheet exchange service as she was wet every night the rest was down to me Nan died three years later I don't regret having her but it was really really hard and I was fit and not even middle aged When years later the same happened with Mum I couldn't manage, Mum was much more fiesty much less manageable and I was older and in full time work and also looked after grandkids Me and dad soldiered on for a bit then dad became ill with the stress We did get lots put in place to help and I truely can't fault the SW s how ever it does take a bit of time and in the meantime I took mum to my house pulled a single bed downstairs and put mum in the dining room while dad had a rest got neighbours to sit with mum while I cycled to dad a mile or so away a couple of times a day Life was on hold for a few weeks and I was rung out like a dish cloth but it gradually fell into place ... chairs on risers, handles in baths loos and all stairs, key safe, alarm round necks, carers three times a day, and a day centre twice a week and later a different one for mum to give dad a break they really couldn't have done more and I consider myself incredible lucky to live in a country where we can access so much help
I was an only child and an only grandchild

BlueBelle? Impressed how you and your family just got on with it and appreciate what's available in U.K.

Hi l am in a similar situation as my mother has dementia and my father who is 83 has been caring for her full time for last 3 years. She has had 3 falls in last month the last one being yesterday we are a bit further down the line than you as we at least have a adult services review officer assigned to us , that said when l rang yesterday l was told by a very unhelpful girl that my case worker was on holiday until next wednesday and could l ring back then as she would need to arrange a re-assessment. I rang the emergency duty officer who was a lot more supportive and helpful. I would suggest you contact your GP urgently and also look up the details for Adult services in your area there should be an emergency number somewhere. Also you could check to see if you have any Carer's Support teams in your area l found a leaflet at my local library and they started all home care arrangements . They did need to come out but they were very quick and helpful. Hope this helps and hope you get sorted.

update, my mother has been in hospital for overnight and they
gave her an alarm system where she presses apendant if she falls. I was told the carers would come in 3 times a day starting today from 7 oclock. I waited from ten to 7 until 11am then all she did was make a sandwich for my mother at lunchtime. I an totally confused with the tablets she has to take but they told me she cannot give medication, they cannot do housework and are only to supervise my mother doing things herself.I still have to visit 4 times a day to give her the tablets. I'm going to work next week and to be honest I feel that Ive not had a holiday at all. I wont be celebrating xmas aver again, its just a waste of time.
On top of this my mother waited for the carer to help her to get dressed and the carer would not help her, she hates the idea of having anyone to help her and she told the hospital social worker her aim was to get better so she need not have me coming to her house.

GillT57 you criticise our 'fierce independence' but maybe having read the last message from Etheltbags1 you may see that having carers in is not the panacea for all ills that it may seem to be.

'There were so many things they weren't allowed to do' so all those other things have to be done by the person who's nearest.

The final insult was, of course, being expected to pay for it. That SW's comment about our joint account was, I thought, really uncalled-for.

We've just had the District Nurse for her twice-weekly visit. The wound on his leg is healing up slowly but well.

Ethelbags, what an awful situation this is for you. Your mum is lucky to have such a caring daughter. Is residential care a possibility at all, as it sounds as if your mother needs such a lot of help with her daily life. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and hope things will get better for you.

I stand by my comments. Of course their are good social workers, as was said, no profession can be damned totally, but my experience from 10 years working with the elderly plus personal experience has been almost entirely negative.

I understand the pressures financial and bureaucratic that Social workers are under, but I just found they were prepared to waste hours on the phone talking to me, but as to even making a phone call or providing a list of care homes, who might have vacancies, for what every one agreed was the necessary emergency admission of an elderly couple into care, that was beyond them. Although they did agree that 6 emergency GP/paramedic/CPN callouts in two days and a carer who went to do a half hour visit and stayed 4 hours (now she was the heroine) did signal a need for urgent intervention.

its not a good sighn when elderly people start falling,....its a sad case too when the eldely become a burden, they wouldnt like to hear that said about them, but its payback time now, we must look after our mums and dads as hard as it is, i never had chance to look after my elderly dad he went off and married a young girl....leaving my mum, years later she divorced him,,but came back after his last bit of money and his house,,,which she bloody got. he was an old man when i finaly found out where he was, he had long white hair,dirty nails, bad feet i last saw him in hospital this young girl never looked after him,,,i was at his bedside for 10 days,,,i washed him shaved him cleaned his nails and cut his hair, he was my dad, he died .i was heartbrocken that i hadnt found him sooner to look after him, but i did look after my elderly mum. i can look back and now say i did my best, my 2 brothers and a sister never ever bothered, i did it all so i can rest with a clear mind,...it will be nice if you can get some help...i wish you well,,,but try to make your mums end of life years happy ones, god bless,

My mum fell on 19th Dec but seemed to be ok. She then got worse and pain increased - my sister called out GP on 28th and she was supposed to go for x Ray but collapsed and was admitted. They did assessment on the ward and sent her home next day with a care package for 6 weeks and physio for 3 weeks. In our area there is an early intervention plan in place which was initiated by her admission. Maybe if she falls again call an ambulances don't take her yourself as you put your own health at risk by trying to lift or assist her. Once she's under ambulance care you have more help.

We've had a stressful Christmas too with all of it but can't be helped - it's not uncommon to be a gran yourself and have grandchildren to help care for plus elderly parents needing care. Not an easy time of life and you need to take care of yourself as well.

thank you all for your kind words xxx

I know what it is like to be between elderly parents, teenage children and holding down a full-time job ethel.

You have said before that your DM has a lot of friends - can any of them pop in during the day just to keep her company and make sure she is OK and hasn't fallen?
And - as someone posted on another thread - first put on your own oxygen mask

My MIL's next door neighbour was brilliant - she had a key and would notice if the curtains were drawn after about 9 am then would pop in to make sure everything was OK. That was before the care package was set up.

Can't you get compassionate leave from work for a while until you sort things out? Unfortunately you are not the only carer in the queue and Social Services are run off their feet too. I can only wish you well and hope you get things sorted quickly. If not then the only option you have is to find a room in a nursing home for your Mum. A nursing home is not the same as an old folks' home. It has nurses looking after the old person's medical needs. Your Mum would be well looked after there.