my life has become a nightmare.

I am sure that you will celebrate Christmas again ethel.

You must get straight back to SS and tell them that the carers are there for insufficient time and not on time. If they do not know what the situation is, they cannot do anythinng about it. They have to use agencies (3 cheers for privatisation!)and have very little control over what is going on. They need feedback in order to kick arse!

The carers are there to provide personal care - e.g. help with washing, dressing, bathing, feeding. They are not employed to do housework; and the regulations do not allow them to administer medication. Speak to the doc about this and see if the meds can be changed to a less frequent regime (e.g. slow-release tabs are available for some meds) or a district nurse can help.

It is a bit of a maze finding yur way round all f this and you do have my sympathy -I have done all that twice, but lived to tell the tale!

While you are looking after your Mum try giving her cereal for breakfast and washing and dressing her, make sure she has been to the loo, then leave her with sandwiches and a flask of tea for lunch until you can come back in the evening with her cooked meal, which you have made for your family too. Leave the key with a neighbour so that people can get in to her house. Get a 'phone with big letters and numbers and leave your 'phone number near the 'phone in case she needs you in an emergency. Insist that she gets a care package...she has paid in to the system so she should get something out. Be patient with Social Services because they really do try their best.

Just an idea about her tablets - do you have a Boots who will make up Medisure boxes for her. They will put the tablets in a packet for morning, noon, night, bedtime and deliver them weekly or four weekly etc. I find this helps. I still have to check them out when they arrive and, as mum's come four weekly I take the additional ones away with me and just leave what is needed for the week (I go several times during the week but carers give mum her tablets) so it is not confusing to the carers. They can only 'make them available' which is a real problem if your relative is suffering any form of mental or dementia related problems. Having the chemist box them up cuts the work you have to do down and that is what you need to find so you can do the other things that are needed.

When you feel up to it you will need to look at any benefits she can apply for as this will help pay for additional help you may not be able to get from the Local Authority. I know there was at least one for mum that I had never heard of. Shout when you are in this position and I am sure there will be some who have been through these things and can help.

I do feel for you. It's as if the aging population came as a surprise to the powers that be but the social worker are working within the same system we are trying to use sadly.

Can I just say that my mums care package stated that the carers were to administer meds and do light housework
The reality was very different, as their visits were sometimes 5 mins, rather than the half hour they were scheduled for.
Social services informed me that as long as the carers had done what was needed, a 5 minute visit was perfectly acceptable.

The carers have settled in a routine of 3 times a day and they are all very nice but my mother is so bossy to me. I'm useless and stupid etc. Ive been going at 7.30 every morning for 2 weeks now and I give her her meds and breakfast as the morning care worker doesn't come until 10.30. Its my mothers attitude to me that is so annoying, shes not happy with anything I do, she orders me about from her chair, I'm usually doing something else at the time, she has the TV on very loud as she is deaf (you musnt say that as she doesn't believe it and wont wear her deaf aids), I cant hear her in the kitchen so she repeats herself until I could clout her. I told her off for this today and she took the sulks and raised her hand saying 'please miss can I speak now'. The sarcasm doesn't help.
I'm so tired of going every morning, I long to lie in just once but her pills must be given early. Also I need to be there to open the door for the carers, I must also be there at night to let them in as they haven't yet given her a key safe. I had lecture today as I washed her knickers with her nightie and didn't tell her-so what as long as they were washed.
I also find it hard to cope with personal stuff, I could vomit if her knickers are a bit smelly, I scream if she shows me her false teeth, If she becomes incontinent I will not be able to cope. In the past when she was ok she was sick and I just walked out. I cant help this.
sorry for moaning but I needed to talk to someone.

That's OK Ethel I know all about the need to rant,just go ahead. Very best wishes in your present situation.

ethelbags I do feel for you. Mum can be the same and although I realise it's because she feels anxious and out of control of the situation she is in it doesn't make it feel any better. You moan - it helps you stay sane. On Christmas Day my son rang - and I cried. I went to my daughter's (someone else in the family kindly collected mum) and I cried in the kitchen. My brother rang later and, you've guessed it - I cried. I had run out of resources to deal with the situation as we had had an awful couple of weeks prior to Christmas. The next week all was sweetness and light and I picked myself up again.

I am not trying to make this about me - your situation as a main support to your mum means you have to look after yourself too. I never wanted to be a nurse or carer and, like you, I know there are some thing I find hard to deal with but do tell yourself that is OK and let the authorities know if it gets too much. I have a friend who told them they had a week to sort things out as he was going on holiday (he and his mum lived in the same house and he had been a nurse) Dealing with his mum was very different (for both of them) to dealing with 'patients'. I believe he would have done to but they took her in for respite care.

I am afraid because of funds the LA will keep expecting until you say 'no'.

(((hugs))) ethel I found it hard to reverse the roles when my mother was very ill and I had to look after her. She didn't like not being in control and having to depend on me coming in before and after work. She didn't need me there all day (she slept most of it and had a phone by her bed) but would play the martyr about wanting something but not being able to get it because I wasn't there.

Ethel you have my sympathy

My DM was very sweet and amenable but MIL could be quite difficult (and proud of the fact!). However, my DM hated the fact that she was helpless and we had to do things for her and used to get quite upset.

I am like you with sick though - not good at coping with it.

People who tend to be cantankerous do not suddenly become all 'sweetness and light' when they get old and helpless, and I know you have said before that your DM is quite strong-minded.
Stay strong, be kind but firm and don't let her order your around or else you will reach the end of your tether.

Big hugs from me too. It is such a difficult situation and you need to have a moan and do not feel guilty about it. My mum regularly has me in tears and I find the emotional stuff is very hard to deal with. The thing that keeps me going is the thought that nothing lasts forever, and off loading to my friends (poor things). Have you tried AgeUk for the non personal care? They have a befriending service and my mum has a cleaner organised by them, who will do shopping and washing for 2 hours a week.

We paid I think £70 for a key box at my mums door, she had the alarm round her neck and someone would come to help her if she pressed it. I cant remember now how much that cost.

Carers in my area ARE trained to give medication if person being cared for cant, and to do personal care with light housework as long as its assessed and in the care plan.

Lots of good advice here Ethel. I'm in a similar situation with my mum at this moment. Carers were set up a couple of weeks ago and she has pushed them away telling them they're not needed. She has an alarm on a strap around her wrist and the cost is £3 per week. The key box cost £85 and was supplied and fitted by a local hardware store.

Good luck managing your mum, I know it's stressful.

I didn't think it would be so hard. She is not making an effort to get better despite being discharged from hospital. I thought it would be ok just popping in with meals and doing the pills, once I'd got over my fear of giving her an overdose. I forgot how I reach at false teeth, the smell of urine, I retched at clearing away get dishes. I just can't help it. If she has an accident I will rush out of the room, in the hospital I screamed when a girl help a sick dish even though she wasn't sick. I just can't cope with bodily stuff. I retch when I do my own teeth. Sooner or later I will need to clean the loo and I can't face it. I keep asking her to get a cleaner but she just says shevwill think about it. How can i cope. I hate the smell of old people.

Hi , etheltbags , does your mum have links to the armed forces ? ie.. did she serve in the forces or your dad? if so you could contact the RBL and ask if they can give you some help/advice , xx

Oh ethelbags what a terrible time your having. Could you just tell your mum "unless you get a cleaner I'm not coming in any more" it seems harsh but you can only do what you can. She needs to see that she needs to make an effort and not bully and manipulate you. I'm not in your position and not likely to be.so I hope I'm not speaking out of turn. Both my parents are dead and my mother in law is in a residential home and although it's distressing seeing her condition worsening at least we haven't got the all the intimate side of things to deal with? I hope that you can get some advice on how to make your life a little easier from some of the grannetters who have more knowledge than me. In the meantime a (((hug))) simply because I don't know what else to say.

Ethel Put a plug of Vic up each nostril, no smell gets past that. Once the smell goes you will cope with bodily fluids much better.

She has a key safe fitted last week and care ladies 3 times a day. I go in to make breakfast. She can make a cuppa and carers leave a sandwich for lunch and make tea on the later visit, they also call at night to get her ready for bed, they are really lovely girls. I wish she would just get someone to do housework, I just cant lug her enormous chairs around and wash floors etc. As I said I'm so useless with bodily excretion. She is reluctant to get anyone in to do housework and she wont apply for any financial help, she wont even try just to see if she is eligible. The care manager said today that if she doesn't want help then she need not have any. She just hopes I can muddle through. To be honest my work is an escape.

etheltbags, you need to tell your mother what you can, and can't, do.
There is no point continuing to muddle on, while complaining about it. Your mother will ignore the complaints as she sees her needs are being met in any case.

It's understandable that your mother probably feels her life is getting out of control and she wants as few changes as possible. She's had to adjust to a lot of changes already.

But you need to explain to her that you can't keep going on as you are - it's too much for you and will end in you getting ill and your mother having to face how to cope when that happens.

Ethel, I can so much relate! I gave up work to look after my mum (along with the 5 minute visits by carers) but it was becoming more and more difficult. I felt that I was not much more than a skivvy at times; wiping up spills that grown women left after preparing a microwave meal, trudging up and down collection prescriptions that hadn't been delivered.
Exactly like your mum, mine was very deaf - the tv would be blaring, and the heating full blast!
Its really wearing, I know, but it seems its very common when people choose to stay at home.

I think you need to be firm with your mum re rudeness. if she is rude or orders you around try saying ' Excuse me.Are you talking to me? I will only help you if you are polite'. Say it firmly and quiet. Feel for you.x

I'm in a similar situation with an elderly relative. Whist in hospital after suffering a TIA she was totally insufferable, rude and non compliant towards the nurses, my husband and me in particular. The consultant assured me that in her experience, this sort of behaviour was not unusual in such circumstances.
That's all very well but it doesn't make it any easier does it?

Please don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do, you're not a robot, you have your needs too.
Do contact Age UK if you haven't already done so. I found them very helpful. The tip about Vick up your nose is a good one. I used copious amounts of disinfectant to mask smells and kept a stash of disposable gloves handy together with a few plastic buckets lined with plastic bags strategically placed about the house. I'm afraid anything that was too soiled was thrown away rather than washed.
As for the rudeness, I eventually snapped and told my relative that I would not put up with it any longer. She had a choice, be polite or she was on her own. Brutal I know but it worked.

Ethel you will be run ragged if you are trying to see to your Mum's needs (even if she has lovely carers, I am pleased about that for your sake!), look after your own home and garden and hers too, work and have time for your DD and DGD.

You will need to be firm, and about the rudeness as mumofmb says.
Perhaps someone can recommend a cleaner - surely she will only need one once a week, she can't make much mess.
There is only so much you can do.

Ethel I've just read all this, (having off-loaded my own much smaller problem above.)
I wish you strength to cope - I don't know how you do it.

Ethel I'm with you on bodily fluids. I'm what is called a sympathetic retcher. I've coped with the DGCs bottom wiping and pee disasters but I won't do it for an adult. That combined with rudeness would mean a line drawn.