my life has become a nightmare.

Unfortunately becoming a carer for one of your parents changes the whole dynamics of a relationship. The person who was the one who took care of you and was a figure of authority is no longer. It is hard to adjust to becoming the one who now does though things as you are finding out. So sorry for you as the last memories will be of resentment and guilt for feeling like that. Anyone who sails through caring for some one is so lucky. I wish you all the best.

Its very difficult all round I think, to watch your parent needing so much care. My mum undoubtedly made the last 5 or so years of her life so, so much harder than it need have been, if only she would have accepted help
Even a hearing aid would have kept her so much more "in the loop" as she was always so interested in how everyone was doing. It was almost impossible to communicate with her at times, it was such hard work to relate a story to her.
They make you so cross, dont they? I was torn between such frustration at her, and amazement and admiration at how much her independence meant. So much that she would rather get stuck on a toilet seat for 19 hours than have a handle fitted to the wall!
You have my every sympathy. The only useful advice I saw was to consider yourself a project manager, rather than the person who has to do everything, with regard to your mums care. Do everything you can to take whatever road is easiest for you to sustain.

Excellent advice seeing yourself as a project manager!

Also, I just wanted to say that I would change the care agency to one whose staff are able to give (or administer: there is a difference!) medication.
That would take a huge strain off you, and that really is what a needs assessment is for. Your mum NEEDS someone to do her meds, to help you.

I do feel for you ethel, and I feel everyone is right about the rudeness. Just be firm as you would with a child. Unfortunately that is what I seems to come to in many ways.

"The care manager said today that if she doesn't want help then she need not have any."

I have heard this sort of thing before. One carer in a care home, reported in an article, said something along the lines of 'it's all very well to complain about your relative still being in wet cloths and hour later but we have to encourage them or we are taking away their right to choose'

That isn't a quote but how I remember it. What tosh! If someone has lost their capacity to understand their own needs sure they need gently persuaded into doing what is needed to keep them safe and healthy.

Keep coming on here to let us know what is happening Ethel. It really helps to unload what are very difficult feelings.

I have just been thinking again Ethel and, although I don't think you should be happy to let your mother be rude to you I wonder if she actually knows what is happening.

I know it is really hurtful but I wonder if she is confused. With mum and the dementia I have learned not to contradict her but to find ways round by agreeing in a way that moves us forward. I also (and I must admit I can feel badly about this) suggest, in the vaguest of ways, that things were her idea as in "I'll just water those plants you wanted me to do" when she hasn't actually asked. Anything really to avoid confrontation. That doesn't stop her having the odd moment when she is less than kind but I have realised she is often confused or frightened. I have said "lets not go there mum" and then tried to say something really positive so she knows I am "on her side".

I hope this helps. It is so difficult and I am afraid carers are not specifically trained for all the different situations.

She has now decided that she will see to her own medication says she isnt stupid and tired of being patronised. She is trying hard to get about doing physio etc and calked the doc for advice the other day. I am laeving her to get on with it but still visit and take ghings to eat and to read etc. She wants now to get out to see her friends and grt better. Snore.... im so tired im just glad shes grtting better.

I think it's a good idea to encourage her to do as much as possible for herself as long as she can manage it.

Re Gracesgran's post I wonder if she is confused - I was thinking - has your mother seen the GP for a proper assessment of why she fell?
Sorry if you have said so already in another post, I have been busy.

Must be a huge relief, Ethel
Plus, it means you have time to work on a more 'Ethel-friendly' plan for if your mum is poorly again.
I'm glad she is feeling better, bless her.

Hope things continue to improve ethel rest up and take it easy for a day or two get your strength and equilibrium back

Ethelbags I am so sorry for you. I've criticised SS/rehab but in this case it's Mum who is being difficult.

Not everyone can cope well with bodily fluids. what was wrong about washing her knickers? For me, putting everything through our new Bosch washer - old one lasted 20 years but died - is an absolute godsend.

DH uses a pee-pot - a male urinal - in the night. I empty it when I go to the bathroom, but really, there is no smell, none at all.

We were supplied with a commode but couldn't imagine him using it - we managed to get it collected back again. He had the pee-pot from a few years ago now when he had surgery for benign prostatic enlargement - funny how no one suggested that.

Any pharmacy, not just Boots, will make up daily/weekly medication so that it's easier to take and more difficult to forget.

I've got her a key safe and for the last 4 days , however the carers have been cut today as she says she is so much better and I'm just along the street. I'm annoyed as I felt reassured that they were there.She keeps saying there's nothing for them to do. I however have the worry that if she falls then I will have to go in to find her.

MARGRETE I CANNOT bear bodily fluids. If I see a container that has pee in it, even if covered, I will vomit. The thought of washing knickers makes me retch because I know where they've been. I don't want to be like this.

One of our neighbours got very frail; her son, who didn't live near, arranged help for her - a cleaner, a gardener, someone to help in the house and do the shopping. All privately. However, unbeknown to him she dismissed them all, told them not to come and that she was perfectly capable of looking after herself thank you very much.
But she wasn't, she had another fall and had to go into a home nearer her son.

What I'm trying to say is that elderly people often think they are more capable than they in fact are and will send carers away because they don't want to be thought as feeble.

What a worry for you.
I don't think your DM should take it for granted that you can be always at her beck and call, however caring you are, because I know that you work as well.

ethel could you use those disposable plastic or vinyl gloves to pick up dirty washing, straight into a poly bag, then bung it straight into the washing machine.

I use those disposable vinyl gloves as I don't like wearing rubber gloves. They would be perfect if you feel uncomfortable handling the dirty washing and you could also buy her a box of pantyliners which would help keep things fresher.

ethel, maybe you could try hypnosis to get over your phobia of bodily fluids?
That is a serious suggestion, btw.

Far north, why should I get hypnosis, Ive had it before for another phobia (of hospitals) and it worked but I just don't like bodily fluids and don't see that I should have to handle them.

I hope some sort of care can be sorted out that your mum will be happy with, this is so sad to read, my mum needed alot of care in her last years alive , she died 15 years ago, and i miss her every day, she has not seen my g/children and she would have loved them so much, she has missed so many family events , i just wish i could turn back the clock and make it so she did not die and we as a family could still have her with us, although she needed alot of care

Is it just old people's bodily fluids you have a problem with etheltbags1? Presumably you coped with your own, your daughter's and your granddaughter's.

Must check with my DDs how they're going to feel if and when I need any sort of personal care.

ethel, you said "I don't want to be like this." I thought you meant you didn't want to have that phobia.
If you're okay with it, that's okay with me.

When I started teaching I didn't think I could cope with vomit. I soon discovered that I could when I had to. Similarly when I got a job in a care home as a domestic I was relieved that my duties didn't include 'cleaning people up'. Except that during the first night I discovered that as well as cleaning, laundry, lavatory cleaning, answering bells and making tea I discovered that indeed it was included. The first time is the worst!!

Retired male friend pops in to check on distant elderly relative and because it was necessary took home and dealt with intimate laundry, what a guy!!

What a guy! ???

But women are generally expected to get on with it.

I went through nurse training, midwifery and career in health service but still don't like dealing with bodily fluids (other people's).

Ethel,I really don't think cutting back the carers is a good idea no matter what your Mum might say. If there are problems you might have a job getting the routine reinstated. My Dad's social worker, fresh out of training and totally wet behind the ears, kept asking him if he wanted help and stressing that he had to give permission when it was obvious that he couldn't cope and his pride was in the way. I had to bully him into accepting but had no regrets about it. And carers can give meds as long as the client agrees. Make a fuss with the care company about the time of your Mum's morning visit so they can give her the meds and save you the worry. It may take a while to find a suitable time slot but experience has told me you have to get pushy.