Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

If he has cut contact with you and no hope of reconciliation with him then I would tell them.when he's dead your going to have to deal with the "Living"

I have been in this position and I asked the person concerned if they would be prepared to put it in writing, which they did, and it showed the they had made the decision on their own and it was their own request. Always respect people's wishes, only they know the true reason for making the request.

Now that more of this situation has come out I'd reiterate my point about getting something down in writing. This is an unpleasant burden and perhaps you need to consider your peace of mind more. Its all very well him demanding you respect his wishes but to then cut ties with you when you offer an opinion shows that he does not respect your position and I've always been of the opinion that relationships are about mutuality - not just making demands.

I wonder why he told you, dollyjo, and has now cut off contact again.
Now that you have told us your relationship to him and the fact that he has a new wife I can understand how worrying it must be for you.

However, if he has not been in contact with his daughter for so long, was she expecting an inheritance from him or had she no idea?
If he has been with his partner, now wife, for very many years I can understand why he would want to regularise their relationship so that she would not suddenly become homeless after his death.

I think contacting him and getting him to put it in writing as others have suggested could be a good idea.

It's not very fair on you - but it is his wish and should not be worrying you.

Respect their wishes .

Why should they ever find out you knew anyway?

I can imagine ho you are fretting, but to be honest, if he has cut ties with his family, it really isn't your concern, considering he has cut ties with you too. It's obviously something HE feels very strongly about and as such he has had time to contact people if he wanted them to know about his illness.

It seems such a shame he is going to fade away and die with no one by his side, or to hold his hand, but that seems to be the way he wants it. Respecting that may make you feel guilty, but really you have nothing to feel guilty about, just a very sad situation to come to terms with. It is his wish.

Razzy that's a terrible idea to urge the family members to make contact with this man.
That could lead to a lot of unhappiness for him in his final months, if he has to fend off contact that he doesn't want. As well as unhappiness for the relatives if they have had their hopes raised.

I would not have a problem following his instructions. He must have his reasons it is not just something he would have stated for no reason. Really it is his decision to make.

@gagagran- I think that's incredibly selfless and such a lovely gesture. You should be exceptionally proud of your actions.

I would always honour someone's dying wish. Even if it's the last thing you would want to do, unless it was morally challenging!

Only you know in your heart of hearts what you should do, but I suggest that if this person has trusted you to such an extent they clearly respect you to carry that wish out. I agree with what has been said previously - if you're struggling with the decision then ask them to write or at the very least sign something saying that you're adhering to their final wish.

I think his wishes should be abided by, but he has put you in a very bad position. It's really unfair of him to put the responsibility of this on to your shoulders. As someone suggested you may be better to plead ignorance of the situation after he dies, but since he has cut communication with you, will you actually know when he dies.

He has every right to die the way he wants to but no right to put your relationship with the extended family into jeopardy by doing so. Ask for a letter explaining his wishes and that he had tied your hands.

I believe that a dying person's wishes should be adhered to. A letter lodged with the Will is a good idea, DH wrote one on his Solicitor's advice as to why his 2 children weren't inheriting anything from him (their DM had inherited from her DF & she had remarried, no other children) as their DM would provide for them.

My DF died over 40 years ago, DM carried out his wishes although she wasn't in total agreement.

1 - no wearing black, not a problem
2 Cremation, DM doesn't agree preferring Burial
3 Youngest S & BiL were not to attend his funeral (they always dashed off from any family get together with indecent haste).

My DM followed his wishes.

He told you abide by his wishes
It is not your story to tell other than his wishes
How can you as his close friend go against his wishes
Sorry it’s making you ill but grow some balls
Respect your friend

A dying person's wishes should always be honoured unless they have suggested something which would be downright harmful and spiteful to someone left behind.

Not really helpful 67George when this is clearly worrying the poster.

I agree, why do people feel that they know better, if asked say nothing
You don't know why he wants nothing to do with them

I agree with other posters Dollyjo. His children won't know that he told you of his illness unless you tell them surely.
Respect his wishes and stop fretting and keep your mouth shut for always.

Going against opinion here, but I would tell them. Don’t know the whole history, obvs, but maybe a last chance for them all.
Once they’re dead, what’s the point?
Maybe he subconsciously wanted you to tell them, which is why he got so cross...

Yes, Shizam I wondered if he had told Dollyjo because he trusted her and knew that she would perhaps contact the family on his behalf ?
What a predicament, Dollyjo, maybe contact him again and have a very straight talk with him ?
This new wife situation might not allow this to happen , though ?

sadly this sort of things happens in families. I never spoke to either of my parents for over 20 yrs before they died for my own reasons and only attended my mothers funeral to support my younger brother who had had the burden of her for a number of years. I never attended my dads. My thinking on this was if I have had nothing to do with them when they were alive then why did I want anything to do with them or their will once they were gone.
My husbands wish when he dies is nobody is told until after he is cremated and he wants cremated with no service and nobody there. He has made all the family aware of his thoughts so that helps.

Sounds like a controlling man here who wants to continue his control even after death. Why on Earth is it reasonable to place such a burden on someone? He should be told to put his wishes in writing. A letter with his Will would be enough. IMHO OP should put this out of her mind completely and not be involved in his decision. My MIL caused immense problems with a similar situation. I try to be gracious as to her reasons but it’s difficult. Life is for the living as others have said and cannot be controlled beyond the grave

Many thanks to you all.

pooohbear, your mention of direct cremation (no coffin, no service, ashes delivered to family if wanted) is the second time today I've read about it. Apparently it's becoming popular. It's what David Bowie wanted.

Knowing one's brother is going to die in the not too distant future because of a terminal illness does not strike me as a particularly onerous burden. I suppose it is the not being able to tell anyone else that is the burden. Having re-read the OP I see that the instruction was to tell no-one on the family. Do you have a good friend, someone with no connection to your family, dollyjo, with whom you could share the burden? An alternative might be a professional counsellor. That way you'd have kept to the instruction but had an outlet for what is streesing you.

stressing