Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

You've expressed an opinion but so has he. The least you can do is honour his wishes and being in contact can tell his family of his death. If he was to discover that you told them anything he will disown you & you will not know when he has died. If he has had no contact with his family then they will understand why you couldn't tell them of his illness

My uncle died of lung cancer and none of his 4 remaining siblings were told until the phone call inviting them to his funeral. Apparently, he didn't want anyone to know. They had very little contact with him or each other (it wasn't a close family) but I cannot begin to describe the pain it caused because they had been denied the chance to say goodbye to him and to tell him what he had meant to them, especially as their older brother when they were all growing up. Do you know why they're estranged? Is it because they took his money or were cruel to him, or similar; or is it simply what happens in a lot of families where everyone is too busy and takes it for granted that other family members will always be there - until it's too late? If it's the former, then I feel you should respect his wishes (he may be protecting himself). If it's the latter, then you are denying him the chance to reconcile with them (and they him). Further, if they discover that you knew and didn't tell them, I fear it will be a fatal blow on your relationships with them (will they ever forgive you?)

This is not about you.

Surely if their relative is dying and they don't even know then that is on them.
I would be too ashamed of myself if I professed to care..
If they cared, then they would know how this mans life is, and what's happening.
There is no point in them being outraged after the event.

The OP mentions that the dying man has severed contact with her. Death would do that. Perhaps he has died.
Well, there's a thought!

That could be, Baggs

I’m unclear how old this persons children are which could have a bearing on this. I was eleven when my father died and I was completely unprepared for it, had no idea it was imminent and had no support coping with it either. It has left its mark on me, and is something I would never want another child to have to experience. I have no idea to what extent this situation would impact on an adult.
Unfortunately, the OP has been placed in an impossible situation from which she is bound to be in the wrong with one person or another. I can only add “good luck”, deal with ir as best you can and try not to beat yourself up it you experience negativity from others later on.

I’ve been in that situation with my own brother and I told no one until after his death. A person has every right to decide for themselves who should know and it’s not up to anyone else to interfere imo.

If you tell his children and they make contact he will be nasty to them. If you don’t tell them they could be upset that he didn’t want them to know and they didn’t have a chance to try to help him. Poor you, no win situation.

As he does get on with you, I agree with others, you should try to be there for him if he will allow you.

I am concerned about your state of mind and even after he is dead you could continue to feel guilty you didn’t tell his family. You haven’t agreed not to tell them, and just because he gives you instruction that doesn’t mean you have to follow them especially as they are against your better judgement. I don’t think you are dealing with him in a professional role where you are sworn to confidentiality.

You could tell the family including his instructions that he didn’t want them to know. Maybe then they might take the opportunity to make contact but not mention they know he is ill as they will then know by doing so it will mean the breakdown of any relationship you have with him. At least their is one winner that way, you, as at the moment he isn’t communicating with anyone and the worry is making you ill.

Personally I would find it difficult not tell others but I am not very good with secrets.

Think on though.....how is the OP to let his relatives know after he has died if he has cut contact wth her too?

How will she know?

He sounds like a right miserable bold so and so. I’d just forget him and get on with your life. He doesn’t deserve your worrying about him.

Could be Baggs but it could just as likely as he severed contact (which is why I advised the OP to contact him and support him) because the OP found the request too distressing to comply with and this upset him.

I’m conflicted by this tbh. I don’t feel that this person has a right to confidentiality unless he asked you before confiding to grant him it. On the other hand I know the situation from the other side too. Not respecting a loved one's wishes can leave one feeling guilty for years afterwards too.

My partner died suddenly 7 years ago tomorrow. His wishes re: estate and funeral were known to me and his sister who he wanted to be his executor; he was in the middle of writing his will. In the event he died so suddenly that none of his affairs were finalised and as a result his funeral etc were not as he wished. One of his son’s took over as executor and I was effectively sidelined. At the time I was too shocked and distraught to argue and also didn’t want to upset anyone else as we were all grieving. It still upsets me that nothing that he had a church service when he was adamantly opposed to it. The greatest irony was that I ended up paying for the blooming thing!

Jo1960
I am horrified that your partner had a church service which he was opposed to. That is one of the problems with not being married that I need to address myself as the children can take over decision making leaving the partner powerless.
This year we will be redoing our wills and POA. This is something everyone should do when they are fit and healthy.

The title of this thread is "should a dying person's wishes always be honoured". My answer to that is no as they could be nasty, vindictive and harmful.
That is a completely different issue to the question posed by the OP where overwhelmingly we have all said yes. This person's wishes should be honoured and the OP has clearly distressed them to the extent that they have severed contact.
Let them end their life in peace OP.
This is not about you.

I suppose I am in a similar position, having no family except for a daughter who has not spoken to me in 11 years ...BUT from whom, a fewmonths back, I received a photograph ...no details, no address, phone no. or e mail ....of her wedding and a child who she informed me by writing on the back of the photo 'is your grandson who is nearly 3' I am shortly moving to a completely different country ...I have made my Will in the UK with specific instructions . My solicitor says 'What if she contests the Will'....but unless my beneficiaries die before me, my Will should be adhered to. Save that, my 'grandson' whom I shall never meet, will benefit .....failing that Bona Vacante will find any other surviving long distant relative. I have stated my reasons in my Will and made a proviso that unless she contacts me before my death she is not to be informed. Hopefully she will never know and may never be interested in whether I am alive or dead ...well, she hasn't been for 11 years, so why would she be (unless she has somehow heard I have an inheritance !)

Why don't you ask him to write his wishes in a letter so if there is any comeback his family would be aware that these are his express wishes and not yours.

How cruel Vioette.

It is interesting and supportive in many ways to hear of your many opinions.
I really don't want to go into a lot of detail but I will clarify some points.
I know it is 'not about me'as someone wrote.
I have respected his wishes and not told anyone of either his illness or his prognosis. I merely expressed an opinion.
On hearing of his prognosis, he immediately married someone of whom he had no intention of marrying previously. She promised to care for him 'until the end.'He even told me before he asked her!
His previous will is null and void. after this marriage. I was not named in his previous will and so it is not about my inheritance. He had left a house to his daughter in his previous will, he is now hurriedly making a new will in which his children will not inherit anything from him.
I have retained contact with his daughter but she doesn't know where he lives because he moved away. She was a child when her mother died and the maternal grandparents took over the care of the children.

This man is my brother and not just a friend. I have written to him and spoken to him on the phone but each contact made our relationship worse. I have now decided I can't win and I have accepted that I will not be told or invited to the funeral by his 'new' wife. He has given her that instruction.
What I have done, is to have a photo of him framed. In it, he is smiling happily during a visit to my home. That is how I want to remember him.

I wonder if this additional information makes those who think a dying person's wishes should always be upheld reconsider their opinion.

I would honour his wishes they are the wishes of the living not the dead.

Not a nice situation to be in. I would want my wishes to be honoured. dollyjo you say "He instructed me to inform no-one in the family of his illness and impending death." Does your relative mention his wishes after death? If not I think I would let the family know that he had died and it would be up to them if they wanted to attend the funeral. For peace of mind I would want him to have his instructions in writing and signed so there's no come back on you. On the other hand, as he's been estranged from the family for many years, do family know that he has close contact with you, do they ever ask about him? If the answer to that is no then I would keep quiet and abide to the request, not inform of the death and they may never ask about him and family may never find out. If at sometime in the future they discover somehow that he has died and question you then just deny all knowledge. Deceitful I know. But, and a big but, if the family know you have contact and do ask about your relative at times then as I said I wouldn't tell but still have his wishes in writing and explain the situation that he's put you in. I hope he will understand that. Should he refuse and sever future contact then there's not much else you can do. That will be his decision and maybe his neighbour could let you know his state of health, in hospital and such. Good luck, but do what you feel comfortable with.

dollyjo, the answer to the question about whether a dying person's wishes should always be honoured is not really what you're asking. You're asking if your brother's wishes right now should be honoured and most people have said yes.

The question about always honouring a dying person's wishes or not depends on what the wishes are, how they are put forward, to whom, and why. It is a much bigger philosophical question and, like most such subjects, does not have a simple answer. Your predicament does have a simple answer and people have given you it.

We must have been typing at the same time as I've just read your last post which is another kettle of fish seeing that the person is your brother and has re married in haste. Under those circumstances and it seems harsh to say I know but I would be inclined to tell him that you don't want to get involved in the situation regarding other members of the family. Leave all decision making to the new wife and if anyone should find out then tell them to consult her and that you had said that you didn't want to get involved in it all. If your brother still severs all contact with you then as I said in my previous post then there's not much you can do. As time goes by and his illness deteriorates he may think again and want to see you. If not I would still attend the funeral, invited or not. Whatever goes on, he's still your brother. Look after yourself. Big hugs.

I would do exactly as he asks. Does anyone need to know that you know? If not, after his death, just lie and say that the death was as big a surprise to you as to others.

If they know you would know, just say quite simply that when someone shares information with you and tells you explicitly to tell no-one, then you do as they asked, you do not betray your friends/family.

After someone has died my reaction is the exact opposite. Funeral plans are to comfort the living. Knowing you will be buried with a spouse, or in a particular way are a comfort to the living about how they will be treated in death. Once dead they have no means of knowing how their body will be disposed of or doing anything about it. so family and friends should feel free to do things as they will and ignore the pre-death wishes.

I have told DC exactly how I wish to be disposed of after death, what ceremonies are to be performed etc, but I have also given them freedom to ignore them entirely, without guilt, should fulfilling them cause too many problems.

Having said that, I would always respect and follow the post death wishes of anyone whose disposal was my responsibility, but if for any reason they could not be followed I would not waste anytime feeling guilty or upset about this.

Definitely agree again Baggs. And dollyjo wouldn’t it have been a tad clearer to disclose all in the first instance? As you say it did cause a some off target comments (which ended up not helping you anyway) by not doing so. At first you didn’t want to say too much then maybe even overshared.

I wholeheartedly think the dying persons wishes should be honoured (unless illegal or totally undoable). It's the last thing they can have a say about and should be respected. My mum didn't want certain members of the family at her funeral or my fathers funeral and my siblings went against them when the time came. I was furious and upset that her wishes had not been carried out and 15 years later it still annoys me. It was the last thing we could do for her and it was messed up. These people didn't visit during illness or call to ask how things were. They only said "let us know when something happens and we'll come to the fineral"!!! He has trusted you with his wishes and I think you should honour them.

Well I must beg to differ. I wonder if this chap has been subject to an older person's version of grooming, and this new wife merely has the intention to gain the house and the money. Elder financial abuse. This recently happened to a friend of mine, he cut himself off from his (loving) children, who the lady portrayed as awful, uncaring people. He has died recently, new wife gains all, children have nothing. Doesn't seem right. Tell his children, give them a chance to help him, and rekindle relationships.