Gransnet forums

Health

Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

(140 Posts)
dollyjo Tue 08-Jan-19 11:01:47

Within the last month a very close relative (late 60's) visited me and told me of his terminal illness. This person is a loner and many years ago moved away and discontinued his contact with any family members - including his children - but retained a good relationship with me
I don't think it is appropriate to go into further detail.
He instructed me to inform no-one in the family of his illness and impending death. This has caused enormous problems for me. M health has suffered worrying about him but also worrying how the family will react when they discover I have kept this secret.
I think they should be told then what they do with the information is up to them.
He has instructed me to tell no-one in the family and because I told him of my opinion that at least his children should be told, he has now severed all contact with me.
What would you do if you were in this awful situation?

eazybee Thu 10-Jan-19 12:45:22

Two things to consider:
Is your brother of sound mind? What was his purpose in telling you if he intends to marry and leave everything to his new wife, who will deal with funeral arrangements?

How close is your relationship with his daughter, your niece? How will she react when she learns of her father's actions, and your knowledge of them?

I am beginning to think perhaps you should inform her; write to your brother, registered delivery, and state that if he does not inform his daughter of his intentions by a certain date, you will.
It is a dreadful burden he is placing on you, and seems as though he is intent on furthering bad feeling between his surviving family after his death.
Or perhaps he is just a bitter old man who won't forgive and forget.

Fairpricerx Thu 10-Jan-19 12:51:45

Is always! This is the last thing he can desire.

billericaylady Fri 11-Jan-19 05:16:15

Hi.
Im in My 50s and just found out I'm being made redundant after 16 years .. Afraid of the unknown but trying to be positive 're new beginnins...Have you been through this ...

billericaylady Fri 11-Jan-19 05:17:40

So sorry not used to using thus site posted on this thread in error.. how do I remove? :-(

MissAdventure Fri 11-Jan-19 09:07:15

Don't worry about it, billericaylady. I think most people have posted in the wrong place.
You could start another thread though, and you'd probably get more replies. smile

dollyjo Sun 13-Jan-19 19:22:34

I mentioned it to a friend at church last Sunday and she explained that she has visited many people who faced death in her pastoral care role. She really helped me by explaining that some people try to manipulate those left behind after their death using bullying or blackmailing techniques.
Her advise was to remember my brother as he was and not as he is now This really helped.
I have a lovely photo of my brother that I took on one of his many visits to my home. In it he is smiling directly back at me.
I took this into Boots the following day and had it copied. I now have it framed and on display in my living room. It makes me smile whenever I look at it.
I still haven't told any of our extended family members but I will do so when he has died, that is, if I am told by his 'new' wife.

dollyjo Tue 29-Jan-19 12:13:04

This has gone from bad to worse! My son is now rejecting me because he has been told by my brother that he will gain a good deal of inheritance from my brother's will. My brother has already started to give some assets (property) to him.
So I am between a rock and a hard place. I did tell my brother that he was being unfair to his daughter and that resulted in me receiving a written reply from him in which he described me as a jealous and vindictive woman and I should stop interfering. He has told his new wife and my son not to tell me of his death and not to let me attend his funeral using words, I would never use.
By chance, my niece telephoned me to ask if her father is dying. She has a maternal uncle who is living near to one of my brother's properties. This took me by surprise and I said I could confirm he is ill. She wanted to know his address and I dodged telling her.
What a mess. I feel I need to repeat, I have never wanted, needed or expected anything for myself from my brother. I just hate injustice. my niece is a single parent who has an autistic child and she would greatly benefit from some of my brother's legacy. Until he married, meaning a new will is needed, I know that my brother had left one of his houses to his daughter previously. In my opinion, she is more entitled to it than my brother's new wife of around 6 weeks.
I could just butt out but it all feels so unfair.
It's so helpful to be able to sound off on here. Perhaps people will understand why I started this post along the lines of, "Should a dying person's wishes ALWAYS be upheld?'

Urmstongran Tue 29-Jan-19 12:30:04

Oh dollyjo just when things are bad they get worse. I’m sorry to hear this awful situation has now caused a rift between you and your son.
I can understand how you feel for your niece. But now your brother has remarried and made a new Will, unless he made provision for his daughter, that is no longer the case.
If your brother and his niece were estranged for a long period of time I suppose it’s not unreasonable that your brother grew closer to his lady friend (now wife).
It’s good you feel a little easier for posting on here. Writing stuff down does help.
Other than that what can you do? Nothing really. Look after yourself through all this so that you have some strength to draw on in the future, when you’ll need it. ?

dollyjo Wed 30-Jan-19 10:29:24

Thank you, Urmstongran.

Floradora9 Wed 30-Jan-19 16:05:01

Can his daughter claim anything if she is left out ? In Scotland you can claim against a parent's estate but only the chash bank accounts etc. not property.

dollyjo Wed 30-Jan-19 17:28:33

It would cost her money to contest the will and she hasn't got it. There isn't a guarantee that she would either.

MissAdventure Wed 30-Jan-19 18:06:27

Its your brothers money and property to do what he sees fit to do with.
It may well be unfair, but its his to be unfair with.

hopejames Wed 20-Jul-22 04:51:30

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SunshineSally Wed 20-Jul-22 06:08:54

Reported