Black Dog 12

Hi all x

Couldn’t post yesterday, managed to get honey on iPad home
key, carer cleared it this morning, she must be fed up with
clearing my honey accidents, honey ! to quote Dorcas Lane,
‘Is my one weakness’ .

Ellie Anne why is it difficult to pray in your home ? No matter where you are he hears you x

Whatiferies, we are all plagued by them, we need to answer them with ‘what if it doesn’t happen’ but I fail on this, I answer
Myself with ‘yes, but what if it does’

Great to see my mantra in your posts, those who have been on
Black Dog for some time know it, ‘Keep Walking’.

This June a beacon will be lit on my mountain for the jubilee, and this is the first time I cannot walk up to see it being lit.

Scaredycat you are brave, what you have achieved even though fearful is truly amazing. x

Candy do keep plodding, I so understand what pain memories of a trauma causes x

Coffee are you and your daughter having support ? I so hope you are x

Doodle a cwtch is on its way to you x

How is everyone?

Ellie Anne do you not pray at home because you have no place to sit quietly. I pray at home, out walking, in the car and sometimes in the middle of talking to people I am praying in my thoughts. I’ve seen a priest saying the Lord’s Prayer whilst doing his ironing so I think we can pray at any time.
Sometimes a drink at night can relax you. Nothing wrong if it helps. My dear mum used to have a Sherry with her evening meal. She said it helped her sleep.
Candy DH has a problem with his feet and legs too. He has peripheral vascular disease and venous eczema. Perhaps support sock or tights may help you.
For those who think that whatever they suffer from my DH does too, I assure you I’m not making it up. His medical history could fill a small library ?
Scaredycat thank you. I’m still worrying but trying to keep it under control and praying for help a lot too.
Going out for a walk soon which will be nice. Haven’t been for a few days as DHs side hurt after his fall. He is feeling better now.
Your holiday will be lovely and I’m sure the break will do you good. Are you going abroad or Uk?
Annie you are so right about walking. Since DH fell down the stairs a couple of years ago now he hasn’t regained his mobility. We still go out but not as far and he can’t walk as quickly.
Thank you for your cwtch. It means a lot.

Sorry you won’t get to see the beacon lit. It would be lovely to be on your mountain to see it. x

Doodle You made me smile when you insisted your DH really DOES have or has had so many health issues. Your poor husband. Some poor souls do appear to have more than their fair share of bad luck.
I hope you're OK and your tummy has not been too bad with your worries about family. Also that you enjoyed that walk tonight. Annie is right about the walking. My DH is not getting the usual walks as we usually walked together and I've not been able. Thankyou for your prayers. What a lovely image of the priest ironing saying The Lord's Prayer!
Anniebach I'm sorry too that you won't be able to see the beacon lit. Can you see your mountain from your bungalow? Yours is such a beautiful country - - we've loved holidays there. The spilt honey made me smile too. I believe Dorcas Lane had many weaknesses that she professed to be her only one. Such a wonderful character.
Scaredycat So pleased you enjoyed the wedding and it wasn't so scary an occasion. I noted the hat remark. I love the little 1920s cloche hats but they don't love me unfortunately. Hats are quite scary, I think. Wedding hats very intimidating! They wear you! Hope you're OK.
EllieAnne I admire your spirit. How courageous to drive such a long way and stay by yourself in another home. Hope you're enjoying your own home to yourself for a little while.
Candy Hope the EMDR(now I know I've not got that right) is going OK. I looked into that myself at one time when I considered private counselling. Best wishes to tyou.

Sorry about that everyone. Posted too early. It froze and I thought I'd lost everything. Oh dear.
Coffeefirst, Hope your day at work was OK today. Do you think there may be something else that will turn up soon? It's miserable being somewhere you're not happy being. Can rob you of your confidence.
HVDY Hope you're OK too and you're managing with everything. You seem to have so much going on but I know you like to be busy. Do you think the Aqua Aerobics are helping with your energy?
Joce Sure you're still plodding!
Sorry if anyone is left out.

I've really not wanted to post as I wanted to give better news. However if I waited for that I'm not sure I'd be getting back for some time. I've needed to share, so hope you won't mind if I'm honest.
A&E last Friday in middle of night. Same old. Discharged as not considered dire emergency. Told to double up painkillers, Morphine AND Co codamol every 4hrs daily. Terribly frightened. Living like invalid. Up all last night with DH. Can't believe this is happening. Bowel function giving up.
You see. I shouldnt have posted. But, I've shared and I hope you don't mind. I've missed you all. I'm putting all my hope in next consultants appt.
My sister wrote to MP but I don't want to start anything more stressful right now. Can this actually be happening? I. ask myself daily.
I stopped my antidepressants 7 weeks ago. Last 3 weeks since physical health worsened I'm not sure if to start again. Our physical health is so much tied up with MH and vice versa.
Positives
This has brought myself and son closer.
Blackbird's young ones fledged.
Praise for Hot Water Bottles!
(OK, getting desperate)
Thankyou for all your prayers and kind thoughts.

Hope everyone has peaceful night. X xx

Sweetpeasue nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry you are not feeling any better. Of course you should post. Anytime you are welcome here.
I really can’t believe you can go to A&E so often and they keep discharging you. Could you try phoning patient services at the hospital and see if they can help. It’s good your sister is fighting on your behalf too. Becoming closer to your son is a really good thing to come out of this. I do wonder if all these pain killers they keep telling you to take are affecting your bowel. I realise you can’t manage without them but I’m surprised they keep saying the same thing. I realise that keeping going to A&E is not much fun but if you are in pain like that what can you do. Could you ask your Gp for a referral to the pain management clinic? That might be another way to get some action. So, so sorry you are left in this state.
Prayers coming your way and one of Annies cwtches. x

Thankyou for your lovely good wishes Doodle I was told by 2 GPS to go to A&E as well as the 999 call handler last week. I also was encouraged to go by my Gynaecologist who has stated this in a letter to GP yesterday. I just don't think A&E have the capacity to take on patients. It's such a ridiculous state of affairs. I have not taken the advice from last A&E Dr to double the painkillers. I can be OK for a few hrs then need the painkillers. I don't believe it will help bowel at all.
Hope you are not plagued with your anxieties today and all other BD posters are OK.

Hi all x

Sweetpeasue so sorry you are still in such pain, when is your
appointment with the consultant ? Why not , as .Doodle suggested ask to be referred to a pain management clinic ? x

I had a shock yesterday , was on the sofa, as usual , carer was mowing the law, telephone rung, ‘ hello this is the vets, we have
Lottie here someone found her in town and brought her to us’

I explained it wasn’t Lottie she was in the garden , vet said ‘it is
Lottie she is micro chipped ‘. carer raced off to collect her.

The garden is fenced, a small piece of fencing was broken and off went Lottie. She enjoyed her adventure and I am trying to
find someone to repair the fence. She is confined to indoors but I know when the fence is repaired I will so fearful to let her
in the garden but will have to.

Then the news reported a tragedy in America, when the reporter said ‘the mothers are waiting outside the school’ I was
back in 1966 and stomach churning .

Thank you Sweetpeasue for the positives, I haven’t asked for them for a while, we must do this.

Friends, when posting will you include a positive? Doesn’t have to be be ‘I won the lottery’, just anything in each day which was
pleasant, or you enjoyed if only for a few minutes.

Today i found a pattern of lovely butterflies ? to stitch

How is everyone?

Doodle- hope you enjoyed your walk yesterday . I,m pleased your DH can still enjoy them too he seems a brave and determined person. We went out too and the heavens opened? We are going abroad for our holiday- I love to travel but the anxiety beforehand is very hard - home is my safe place.

SweetPeaSue- oh dear you are having such a difficult time. It seems unbelievable what you are having to put up with especially after so many A&E visits. I too think the pain management clinic might be worth a try.
I,m glad your sister is so supportive and that your son too is closer to you now.
I,m with you in praise of hot water bottles - mine is one of my best friends!
Thinking of youxx

Annie- oh what an adventure Lottie had. Thank goodness she is back home safely. Good job you didn’t realise she was gone or you,d have been beside yourself. Hope you get the fence done quickly.
Yes that news from America is terrible and must take you straight back to that terrible time. I,m sorry you,ve been upset.
Right here comes a positive- stopped and spoke to a dear little three legged cat on our walk today. She was lovely.
Love to allxx

Sweetpeasue I do find it odd that the Gp and Gynaecologist have both said go to A&E. You think there would be a better way to get treatment for your problem.
Hope you have a good night tonight. I don’t believe long term painkillers are good for you either so hope you don’t need them so much.
Annie how frightening. I’m so glad you didn’t realise she was missing until the vet phoned otherwise you would have been in a real panic. So glad you got her back safely.
Yes the news from America was dreadful. Not surprised memories were triggered.
I have a big positive today. GP was concerned DH had developed another type of cancer after looking at his blood results. Spoke to the consultant today and she said no. Everything was fine and results are as expected which was good news. Another positive, I went to church this morning and had a nice chat and coffee after.
I love butterflies Annie. Sounds a nice thing to stitch.
Scaredycat yes DH does like walking. We can’t go as far as we used to but it’s still nice to be out.
You will be happy to be back home after your holiday as I always am but I’m sure you will enjoy your trip. Nice to see new things. Have you been to the place you are going to before?
Sleep well all x

Hi all x

Doodle thank.God your husband’s test was clear, he has had so much to cope with and much worry for you x

Scaredycat going abroad ? wonderful , you were anxious before the wedding and all was well. I so understand your safe place, I need to work on this myself, been on sofa day and night for nearly 17th months. What a sweet little cat x

Sweetpeasue I don’t understand why , after many visits to
A & .E. visits to your G.P. etc, you are still waiting to see the consultant. Has no one given any explanation of possible causes ? x

My positive, two of the porta cabins have been moved from the
front of my bungalow, no diggers there.

How is everyone?

That is a bit of positive news Annie hope you get to see a bit more now.
I too am puzzled as to why, having attended A&E so many times that Sweetpeasue is still waiting to see a specialist.
We are going out to look for some new shoes for DH this afternoon. He has a troublesome foot (yet another part of his body that has been operated on ! ) so it is easier if he gets to try them on. Does anyone remember the little X-ray machines you used to get in shoe shops where you could look down and see where your toes were in the shoes?
Might have a meal out after depending if we can find somewhere we would like to eat.
Take care all x

Doodle- such good news about your DH- you must have been so relieved. We once went to RHS Wisley when the butterflies were there in the Glasshouse . They were so big and beautiful and some the most wonderful shade of blue. Butterfly heaven.
Yes we have been to our holiday destination before - it’s a nice combination of scenery and history. Hope you found some nice shoes for DH this afternoon and managed to find somewhere pleasant to eat. It’s funny in our town how many retail shops have shut but there are plenty of nice places to eat. Yes I remember those little X-ray machines they would be good still I think especially for children.
Annie- I wish you were able to go out just into your garden . Do you have nice views from your home? So pleased for you the diggers are gone - it must be more peaceful too without them .
We are very lucky to be able to go away - I just can’t ever look forward to anything whereas DH is completely opposite I can’t imagine what that feels like!
Positive - I,m useless at gardening but I threw some seeds into the garden a little while ago and today I saw they are coming up - ???
SweetPeaSue,HVDY,Coffeefirst,Candy 6, and all I haven’t mentioned hope you are all ok today.

Doodle 2 different GPS told me to go to A&E next time I had the terrible pain, I expect they thought it could be a bowel blockage. The Gynaecologist also thought I looked very ill last time I saw him 4 weeks aga. I'd told him that I'd put off going to A&E,(which you all know) and I think he was concerned. They all knew that I had an appt lined up with the Gastroenterologist but were concerned about what was happening before then. So. That appt took place today. It had been arranged 2 months ago.
He was extremely nice and gave us a lot of time to listen. I told him I'm distraught by the worsened pain and the way the last few weeks have meant I've little feeling. I can't go into detail here but it's been terrible and frightening. Because nothing is showing up as blockage or anything on CT scan I've felt not believed. Indeed my DH and myself were up the whole of last night again. The Gastroenterologist is arranging for me to have a colonic transit test where a tablet is monitored by XRay dept that takes pictures over several days. It determines how fast food travels through the system.
Meantime I still have the pain and other issues. He also said strong painkillers that A&E Dr prescribed would make things worse. Im not taking them all day as was advised by that Dr anyway. But have to take some when I get the pain as its so bad.
Im sorry for explaining boring details but I thought everything was getting confusing.
He mentioned my mental health state and how it can make pain worse.
Now we, all of us on here, are fully aware of this. But I am not about to get these things muddled up. I'm thinking that my bowel problems could be nerve related if there's not anything mechanical showing up. Which makes everything so much more difficult to diagnose. I'm so low today. I feel so bad. It might have been better for me not to post but If I hadn't, I don't think I would have come back. I am sorry for the gloom. Been in hospital a long time today and never sleep. Of course my mental health is suffering. It may exacerbate the pain but it's NOT the cause of it or the other very real physical symptoms.
I do appreciate your caring everyone. Thankyou. X

Doodle Oh I missed this, I'm so sorry. Thank goodness your DH's test results were OK. You must have been a fair bit anxious and I'm so pleased at the good news. Your husband has been 'in the wars' hasn't he? You must be on the look out for any possible scrape. I've never heard of those 'xray' type shoe thingies. How clever.
I hope you enjoyed your meal tonight if you went somewhere nice. Do forgive me for missing your excellent news of your DH's blood result. Thankyou for your caring. X
Annie So relieved for you about the workman's porta cabins removed. They can sometimes be left for ages. Did you manage to plant up some sort of container in your garden? Naughty miscellaneous Lottie. 'They seek her here, they seek her there...'
So glad she was found and returned safely.
Scaredycat I'm sure you'll enjoy your holiday once you're on your way. My Sweetpeasue are coming up too. No matter what else is happening its good to see the first shoots isn't it? It always seems a miracle. As long as we don't get a few wet days and the slugs have a munching session. I save my eggshells and scatter them round although they do look a bit strange.
Thankyou for your thoughtful words too.
HVDY EllieAnne Candy, Coffeefirst, Hope you've all had a reasonable day and are OK. Xx

Lottie - - mischevious not miscellaneous!

Hi all x

Scardeycat. Looking forward to something is almost impossible when anxiety is gnawing away, both can cause the
tummy churning, so whilst feeling anxious tell yourself
‘I will enjoy it when I am there’ . Growing flowers now ? Will
your next gardening venture be planting snowdrops? why not, x

Sweetpeasue glad you have seen the consultant, hopefully the tests will help clear your fears x

My positive, I planted some plant cuttings from my indoor garden, my carer filled the pots with compost but I did the rest
with use of only thumb and forefinger, i was thrilled, now I want to transplant one of my prayer plants into a bigger pot and take cuttings from a Tradescantia and pot those.

How is everyone?

Hi Scaredycat no luck with the shoes so will try again today.
We decided to try a new place in town that’s opened recently.
It was pleasant enough but not for us. Far too modern and full of young people and loud music. The food was fine though and I had a delicious ice cream sundae.
It’s really warm here this afternoon. Going shopping, then walk then sit on the balcony maybe,
Knowing what your holiday destination is like may help calm your anxiety a bit. It’s obviously a place you like so hope you enjoy it when you get there.
Sweetpeasue I’m pleased you have seen someone who listened. It can make all the difference.
I’m glad you’re having the test to see what is happening with the tablet. I think he is right about the pain killers not helping but what are you supposed to do.
They are not boring details and sometimes writing things out for others helps your mind to focus on what happened.
I’m glad you chose to post rather than not. We do care about you.
Yes I suppose your mental health state could be contributing to the problem but I doubt it was why it first started. Even if that does contribute you are still in pain no matter the cause. I think, hard though it may be, you need to keep fighting for attention. You deserve help. You deserve to be taken seriously and have your pain fully investigated. Both for you and your DH who must be worried too.
Thank you, although we were relieved about the consultants opinion on DHs blood test we weren’t too anxious as DH has read up a lot about his condition and nothing really pointed to it being CLL.
The shoe x rays were all the thing when I was a child. Made shoe shopping so exciting. I think they stopped them when they realised x rays can be dangerous. Please look after yourself and keep popping in.
Thinking of you x
Annie has Lottie been resting following her adventures?
I’m so pleased you managed some planting.
What are your prayer plants?
I do hope you can make it into your garden soon. Do you have anyone who can help with planting out your pots?
Have a peaceful day everyone who reads this thread. x

Annie and Doodle I hope you are well Sweet Pea Sue I sympathise. I have the same pain and the same problem. I wish you well.
I am always touched to hear that you that you believe on the power of prayer and your religious beliefs. I just dont have that, I wish I have.
I am in a bit of pain at the moment so will come back and talk to you all another time. Please take care everyone.

Hi all x

Rafichagran your in pain, wish I could give you a cwtch, you are prayed for x

Doodle I never had a problem with shoes, can’t wear them now, for years I have worn Flyflot backless, sandals in summer
clogs in winter , wellies in the rain, hiking boots when walking the mountains, now I can only wear socks x
A prayer plant is a Maranta, they close their leaves upwards at night x

No post is ever boring, I even rant about the council!

My positive- the head of enablement at physio has given in her
notice , I can now ask to be referred to them , when she has worked her notice !

How is everyone?

Thankyou so much everyone for your kind words.
Doodle Thankyou. I must admit to having a bit of a meltdown yesterday due to so much pent up anger and fear. I really need the tests to diagnose this quickly as I'm not able to have bowel opened because of a strange muscle and nerve problem inside that won't allow me my usual reflexes. Can't go into detail. Thankyou for believing in me. The consultant did help me understand that A&E Dr's aren't able to identify complex bowel conditions but of course I need to go when pain is extreme. I hope your own tummy is giving you a break right now. I think there is such a generally close connection between stress and our guts anyway despite our developing other things.
Anniebach How interesting, never heard of Mantra 'prayer' plant. Looked it up to see what it looked like. Glad you got to place your very own seedlings yourself. Do hope they grow into healthy plants. Crossed fingers. Does it mean because this head of physio is leaving you may get an opportunity of referral? Sorry I'm not sure I understood. Hope it means good news for you.
Rafichagran You have my full sympathy and concern for your bowel condition. I'm so sorry you are still in pain. I took for granted a normal bowel function previously and it's not till problems arise we realise how lucky we were.
I have to admit though that my faith is not by any means a constant thing as it is with others who are truer believers. I'm ashamed to say that I 'try' to believe and on occasions appear to succeed but on others fail miserably.. This is not the way a true believer should be but I must be honest and say this. Thankyou for your caring.

Hope everyone is well and coping. Thinking of you all.

Doodle- hope you had some shoe luck today! It’s quite nice here today but not walking as yesterday went a bit too far and I could feel my foot niggling a bit - need it to be ok for holiday.
I,m so glad your husbands bloods were ok it must have been concerning even considering it might have been CLL.
Yes we like our holiday place and love to have a car and explore. Weirdly I have confidence in my map reading? Trying very hard to be positive about going - flippin whatifferies.
Rafichagran- I,m sorry you are in pain. Take care and rest if you canX
SweetPeaSue- you must be exhausted today after your meltdown. Sometimes people refer to our tummy as our second brain as they are so intertwined. Hope today is a better one for you.
Hope your Sweetpeas do well for you this Summer- something has had a dig in my seedlings - must be Mr Fox who does love a bit of gardening!
Annie- it’s good to hear you are enjoying your indoor garden. I too looked up a prayer plant as I didn’t know what they were. It would be great if you could do some outdoor planting - maybe your carer would help you.
Have you got some snazzy socks to wear ? You must miss shoes.
Let’s hope the head of enablement gets a shift on and then you can get your request in and get some proper help.

We had a new oven installed today- every time we get a new appliance they seem more complicated. All I want to do is switch it on and cook!! Will let you know how tonight’s dinner goes- it might be in the bin!!
Positive- had a nice visit from my daughter this morning and we had a long chat and a cuppa. It’s lovely having her so close.
It would be so nice to have all our children closer.
Love to allxxxxx

Rafichagran having faith is hope. It doesn’t mean that we don’t worry or get scared or anxious. For me it means God is the first person I turn to in my troubles (he’s probably fed up with heating from me ?)
I’m so sorry you are in pain. Are you having any treatment?
Hope you feel better soon. Take care
Annie I have never heard of a Maranta plant. How unusual.
I used to wear all manner of fancy shoes in my youth. High heels, boots walking boots. Nowadays I couldn’t wear a pair of heeled shoes if I tried. I go for comfort every time.
That good news about the physio lady. She was not good at her job. Let’s hope the next one is much more sympathetic and understanding.
Sweetpeasue of course I believe in you. Why wouldn’t I? Our bodies are strange and complex things. With a DH who has had as much wrong with him as mine has I know how easy it is for health problems to suddenly materialise.
You are right about tummy’s and stress.
I hope the tablet thing can provide some answers.
There are many who believe who have doubts. Having faith in someone and something you can’t see is not easy. With me it’s just a feeling of something inside. I would like my faith to be stronger too.
Scaredycat what a performance we had with the shoes. Had to go to a town we are not familiar with. Couldn’t find a car park even with the sat nav. Eventually managed to park then we couldn’t find the shop. It was in a sort of shopping mall hidden in one corner. They didn’t have the shoes DH wanted but he was able to try on a similar pair in his size so has decided to order online and Hope for the best. Got stuck in long traffic queues on the way home but at least we made it.
I am hopeless with maps. I am one of those people who has to turn the map round according to the direction we are going.
I’m sure your holiday will be a big success.
Nice to have a visit with your daughter.
Good luck with your new oven and dinner tonight. Hope all goes well.

Doodle it is the positivity from you and Annie I admire. SPS I hope you are having a better day.

I have to confess that my faith also comes and goes. It’s hard to hold on when you don’t see anything changing.