Would you willingly go into a care home .

My fear of care homes is the loss of individuality - what a nightmare sitting in a circle with a tooloud tv blaring all day long, patronising ’games’ playing with balloons. No choice of what to eat or drink or when to have it, being unable to go out if I want to. But I wouldn’t expect my children to look after me

I really don't feel most of these places are a 'home'. I know that from visits I have made to relatives in the past. The residents have little choice about what they do. Their basic needs are often neglected, such as being taken to the toilet, the food can be very basic and they are often short staffed because the pay is so poor. If you can afford to pay, it could cost you four thousand pounds per month, or more, and deplete what you might want to give to family. The whole idea frightens me.

If anyone has relatives who are in residential care, you should absolutely make sure they are treated as individuals. If not, ask why not.

I never allowed anyone to be lumped in to things they didnt enjoy, neither was the TV or radio blaring all day.
There is no reason for that to be happening, short staffed or not.

Yes I would. I have experience of 'carers' visiting both my old Mum and my husband's uncle, they are supposed to be there for 20 minutes at a time. With both Mum and Uncle, we were/are lucky if they stay for 10 minutes, so two visits a day totalling 20 minutes? And the cost for that is horrendous. I would rather have 24 hour company and not be a burden to my children. I have helped them out in the past and they are ok, they won't really need my money.

In my experience of looking after 6 relatives who lived into extreme old age, and selfishly made no provision for the inevitable, then I would say, please go into a care home.
We were left for years to garden, clean, take on paper work and then afterwards clean up the mess they left.
If you have no children, then fair enough, otherwise it’s extremely selfish to rely on your nearest and dearest to cope ( and worry about your position)
It has taken us months to clear up/ dispose of so much rubbish and now my husbands Father, just deceased, has left a huge mess to clear up. ( he had four sheds/ Greenhouse / garage / loft full) we were not allowed to touch anything while he was alive, but neither could he !
They all stopped decorating years before they died. Ugh.
They all got too old to cope with moving, cleaning, gardening or caring much about the toll it was taking on their children, who were themselves, not young.

The best I could say about my mums "care" was that at least they showed face a couple of times a day.
It was abysmal, frankly.

my mother swore she would never go into a home . Then she had a major stroke. I was working full time and could not care for her and my brother worked full time (nights). The only option was a care home . If euthanasia had been legal then she would have opted for that . For years she suffered the endurance of being a vegetable - never spoke one word in all that time . She had no bowel and bladder control. she could not walk. she had to be spoon fed. Why do we insist that people suffer such indignities ? A man (whose wife was a full time resident at the home due to dementia) sold his house and moved in the home so he could be nearer to her.

DH and I would happily go into a care home when the need arises.
My Mum (85) has hers picked out for if my Dad goes first. They are in a retirement flat with a warden and communal area at present.
Both generations are quite happy to spend our children's inheritance on ourselves...you can't take it with you!
Why struggle or be a burden if you can live comfortably?
You only hear the horror stories. All the homes I've ever visited have been lovely.

BigBertha1

I won't be doing any of that. I will be taken by a more permanent solution.

I'm with you on that BigBerthal. I'm a retired (well mostly) mental health social worker....I have been inside so many 'care' and 'nursing' homes...... reviewed many......never, ever if I can help it!

Coco51

My fear of care homes is the loss of individuality - what a nightmare sitting in a circle with a tooloud tv blaring all day long, patronising ’games’ playing with balloons. No choice of what to eat or drink or when to have it, being unable to go out if I want to. But I wouldn’t expect my children to look after me

They are not prisons.
The people who are parked in front of the TV etc obviously are unable to make the decision to go out etc. and would probably be sat alone in front of the TV at home.
We were able to take relatives out for the day, to sit in gardens or to a coffee shop etc.

GrammyGrammy

Liz46

My mother used to say 'if I ever become a bother to you just put me in a home'. I looked after her when she had dementia and one evening when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin he said 'it is either me or your mother'.
One of my mum's neighbours had said that if my mother ever needed to go into a home I should go and talk to her. I went round and it turns out that she goes round care homes as a hairdresser. She recommended one and it was very good.
I would pop in at different times and always found my mum well cared for.

I hope you got rid of the unsupportive husband while you were at it? Unbelievable. I'm glad you found a good place for mum to be cared for.

The ‘unsupportive’ husband had probably been supporting his wife for years, and had had enough. There comes a time when your own spouse’s needs come before those of an ageing parent.

"I am adament that I will never go into a home regardless of how infirm I am"

Sadly it is not your call at all- it is your family's, medical care team, social worker, hospital assessment, etc and you may also not be mentally there and fit to make this decision

This mentality of staying home is hurting families.
Some may need 24/7 medical care family or carers are not prepared to provide, or the treatment is not the proper one as they do their best but dont know any better

Truly selfish attitude because you depend on other people to make the arrangements for your care or be in charge of it - you are not entitled to that or slaving your family not letting them the life they deserve

Absolutely I would willingly - well probably not willingly but would accept it- go into a home if it was necessary. At 94 my Mum decided she could no longer look after herself even with basic help and decided it was time for her to find a place. Unfortunately her condition deterioated very quickly in terms of her mobility and we did not have the time to look at different places. Her doctor suggested a local care facility for her initially for respite but it was where she ended up staying for the next 4 years before passing away. She had a lovely room and plenty of positive care for which she was very appreciative. I think in part because she was easy to get on with and thankful of those who gave her the care she gat better treatment than some. Where she was several of the residents still owned cars and came and went at their leisure. The meals were not great but they were adequate and there were heaps of activities for the residents so they were not all sat around in a circle playing silly games etc. They could potter in the garden if they wished which suited Mum very well.

I have no qualms about using my finances to fund such a thing, I do not feel obliged to leave anything for my children and they do not expect it. If I do that is great but my "wealth" is not their right. It is however, my responsibility, not that of the government, to fund my care as much as I can afford if necessary.

I would also willingly go into a care home if my family and social care deemed it necessary....Sometimes with all the will in the world it isn't possible for people to live alone if they are a danger to themselves...I worked in the community with the elderly most of my working life and I found that people who are more sociable and willing to try to join in tend to settle down more easily....If I'm ever left on my own and become in need of a bit more care I would go into sheltered housing....Warden on site most of the day and community carers go in if you need assistance with personal care....Also usually good social gatherings....Have a pendant you wear round your neck or wrist that you can press at night if you are in any kind of difficulties and local council community carers come to your aid..This is in Scotland not sure if its different in England..

Last year a neighbour paid £1100 a week for a live in carer. After being very miserable in a care home for four weeks it was a relief to return home. Our neighbour and her family knew home care would be for a very limited time. It was an excellent choice for our very social neighbour. Friends and family dropped in ‘normally’, for short periods, food was as she requested, her carer was a kind and professional woman. As a result the last few weeks were as happy and contented as they could be. We would hope to be able to do the same if funds are available.

Absolutely not, my adult offspring are under no illusions that if I’m ever getting to a point where I can no longer live alone, and I certainly don’t ever expect to live with any of them, then I want the option to end my life as I choose. I’ve worked in countless “care” homes, residential and nursing homes, predominantly with dementia care, and it’s horrific. Remember when we had old people’s homes, funded by Social Security, I worked in some washing up as a teenager, and they were vile enough, but now it’s all just about making money, lots and lots of money, with families held over a barrel, and people who should be allowed to die are just kept going so their money keeps rolling in. Everyone will state an exception, they know fabulous carers etc, but that’s not the reality for most and I hope my family never forget that my overriding wish is to never be placed in one.

I think it’s OK to be willing to go into a home before the need arises, but when it does it may be a different situation.
For example, there is a big loss of independence, even in the better run homes. Are you happy with having the food that is on offer, eating at a certain time, perhaps not being able to go out when you want, or get up when you want to, seeing friends when you like? Space to have your own belongings around? Loneliness amongst those you have nothing in common with, inadequate mental stimulation? Wearing someone else’s clothes because yours have been lost/muddled in the wash? And so on. It’s a big decision.

My own dear mum, 92, got frailer and frailer. She had a fall one day, I stayed the night with her and after helping her to the loo in the middle of the night, she said “It’s no use Calendar, I’m going to have to go in a home, you and your sister can’t carry on like this”. She went into hospital the next day as a result of her fall, we started looking for a suitable home, she would have been self funding, but she died 4 days later.

We were so sad, but so glad that was how it all ended, and I don’t mean just because she didn’t have to sell her little flat to pay for care. She had a good, long life, and was just worn out.

How I hope DH and I end up like that. We shall go in a home if necessary, don’t look forward to that, but don’t expect family to care for us, and realistically, they wouldn’t. If their inheritance goes on care home fees, so be it.

None of those things are acceptable, though.
They do happen, but it should be challenged and dealt with.

Facing this dilemma with my own elderly, frail Parents…
Mum has Alzheimer’s and Dad is I’ll with heart problems and skin cancer. He is trying to take care of Mum along with Carers morning and evening. My 3 sisters and i travel an hour there and back a couple of times a week to help with cooking Dinner and or taking them out. It’s heartbreaking. Our partners are resentful of the time spent away from them (grow up) and we sisters are tired but want to spend time with our loved Parents.
Mum will have to go into care when she is fully incontinent which may be soon and it’s so sad. Dad is also resentful of Mum, but duty bound…
It’s an awful situation. I’d anything happens to Dad, Mum will have to go into Care as she can’t live independently on her own.
I hope I die before I get dependant on others.
I have no savings and would be put in a Council sun home I expect, and I know these vary in care (friends have told us).
My ‘Partner’ wouldn’t pay for me to go into a private home although he would be able to afford a Private Care home.
We got together 10 years ago and he is still married to his Wife although she left him for his old friend and they live together (the wife and friend).
I always thought I may get a share of my mum and dads home (divided by us 4 sisters) but you never think your parents are going to be I’ll and dependant in old age - we’d all like to die painlessly in our sleep - real life isn’t like that.
Sorry this
Post has made me cry and get some thoughts of my chest!

Ah, it's horrible, isn't it?
My fiance left me in the midst of all our family troubles.
I was torn into pieces trying to keep it all together.
For what it's worth, the care can be dire in private care homes just as much as council ones.

NannaFirework - just thought I'd say here that during the pandemic my friend's mum had to ho into a council care home and although the building is a bit worn and tired the staff could not be better. After initial misgivings my friend is SO pleased this home was more-or-less her only option. She would not have chosen it but now her mum sees the staff as part of her family and us really happy there.
Not all shiny new private homes can offer what people really need - or the time and small kindnesses that really make the difference.

Thinking of you. ?

No

Calendargirl

GrammyGrammy

Liz46

My mother used to say 'if I ever become a bother to you just put me in a home'. I looked after her when she had dementia and one evening when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin he said 'it is either me or your mother'.
One of my mum's neighbours had said that if my mother ever needed to go into a home I should go and talk to her. I went round and it turns out that she goes round care homes as a hairdresser. She recommended one and it was very good.
I would pop in at different times and always found my mum well cared for.

I hope you got rid of the unsupportive husband while you were at it? Unbelievable. I'm glad you found a good place for mum to be cared for.

The ‘unsupportive’ husband had probably been supporting his wife for years, and had had enough. There comes a time when your own spouse’s needs come before those of an ageing parent.

Yes, my husband had been doing a lot for my mum for years including driving a plate of dinner to her every evening while I plated ours up.

Having no children I will have no alternative but to go into a care home, but I will try sheltered housing for as long as possible after selling my property and the responsibility that involves, my mother lived independently until the age of 98