Would you willingly go into a care home .

It was absolutely lovely, no offensive smell (unlike many other homes I’ve been in), good quality furnishings, well trained and friendly staff, beautiful grounds. Yes, it was expensive (to say the least

A question:

What happens when the money runs out?
A relative of mine with dementia pays £1,600 per week. Should she need a higher level of care it will be more.

When my mother was in a home one of the other guests had that exact problem Ran out of money. The family did all they could to keep her there but in the end she had to move to a cheaper home. The top up was beyond their reach.

NotSpaghetti

Well, Flora, whilst we may all like to leave things to our children, if the option is to leave them the money but in doing so, have them care for you if you are incapable/potentially incontinent/suffering dementia or worse or for you to spend it all in a care home, I think they would prefer you to be less "generous " with your money and opt for the latter!

I would not dream of my children looking after me . I would struggle on as best I could and if things got too much I have a back up plan .

M0nica

Like most people, I would like to stay in my home as long as possible, but if I had reached a point where I could no longer manage on my own and I was in a care home where I could still follow my interests and have people to converse with, ie, not all with dementia, then of course I would do it. If I had dementia the decision would be out of my hands.

I think it is ridiculous to say I am adament that I will never go into a home regardless of how infirm I am . Ridiculous and selfish. it puts an immense and unnecessary burden on your children and you end up spending your last years struggling to manage to look after yourself, dependent on Carers of varying quality, and, I repeat, an unnecessary burden on your children.

I had an uncle who refused to move out of his house until a hospital discharge was dependent on a 'convalescent' period in a Care Home. He never left it. and said that if he had realised how comfortable and easy life was, and free from constant anxiety, he would have moved there years before, as soon as his wife died. He was there six years and I am sure being safe and happy in his care home extended his life.

I would not expect my children to care for me I have other plans . I never mentioned in my post expecting help from family .

I agree if I was suffering badly from dementia that I would not realise I was in a home . A friend's mum looked around the sitting room of her care home and said to her daughter that her dad had left her a lovely home .
Some years ago an aunt was in hospital and the doctors were adament that she could go home . We did not live near her so any help she would have got was from her two remaining sisters who could not care for her . My mum could scarcely care for herself. The aunt was allowed home and one morning the home help found he asleep in front of an electric fire with no bars on it . I took it upon myself to find her a place in a home and she was miserable . She ended up breaking a hip throwing herself out of bed. Did I do the right thing I saved two other elderly ladies the worry of her being unsafe at home but my aunts last months were miserable. One cousin still says I made the wrong decision he would have risked it to let her stay at home . The saddest thing was when I sorted out her belongings after she died there in her purse was her door key. The house had long gone back to the council.

I'm fairly sure most people don't have any expectations that they will need care from family - my mother certainly didnt.
Then, she did, and nothing was in place, so of course we stepped up.
Hers was just a fear of being "put away", which we also didn't want, and it snowballed from there.

Thisismyname1953

I think the OP is totally unrealistic saying that she will never go into a care home . What if she had dementia . A dementia sufferer can usually be cared for at home in the early stages , but the condition can be totally unmanageable later on .
They need someone to keep an eye on them 24 hrs a day . For example they can leave the house at 3am to go to the post office . They can leave taps running or they could turn the gas on but not light it .
They don’t always sleep at night and their main carer cannot manage night after night with no sleep .

So true.
My FiL could not be left alone even for half an hour - you simply didn’t know what he might do. It was like leaving a toddler on the loose.

But at least you can pick a toddler up - even a kicking, screaming one - and put it in the bath.
Trying to get a 6 foot FiL to bath or shower was a nightmare.

People with no hands-on experience of dementia so often have no idea, and their pious comments about what families ought to be doing for their own elderly, can really infuriate me.

Grandma70s

Riverwalk

An interesting thread.

Like most I wouldn't willingly go into a care home and at 67 still think of them being for 'old people', not me! But who knows what the future holds.

The thought of indifferent staff, sing-a-longs, miserable food and a TV on all day fills me with dread, compounded by it will cost me a lot of money. Gawd.

I think you have an over-pessimistic view of care homes. Some may be like that, but plenty aren’t. I don’t think the ‘activities’ are compulsory.

I work in a care home and I can assure you the staff where i work are dedicated and anything but indifferent and I find that quite an insulting thing to say… We work very hard with people with high dementia and we really do care for them, all this for minimum wage but we do it because we do care, certainly not for the money..

My mums refusal to leave her home caused a huge ripple effect, and effectively fractured our close family bonds.
So, now I am left with guilt about who said or did what, or should I have done this or that.

The worst part was that my daughter and my mum were absolutely best friends before all of this.

I feel guilt that it all ended on such a sad note.

Callistemon21 In his particular case, money would never have been a problem. Family house had been sold prior to his going into the sheltered flat, he lived there for about three years. That money was invested, joined his other stocks/shares, etc. He had had a very well paid job, with a huge pension.
But, I get your point, very many people will reach old age and have nothing like he did financially speaking.

I have been responsible for three elderly relatives who spent their last years in care and I do not recognise anything in Riverwalks description of care homes.

The food was excellent - I sometimes stayed for lunch. The tv in the lounge area was rarely on, and not many watched tv in their rooms either and the staff always seemed thoughtful and caring. If there were any singalongs, my relatives took no part, so I have no idea whether they happened or not.

My experience covered 14 years from 2000 to 2014.

It;s been a very interesting thread, with me sitting in my room of the only Rest Home for many miles. Here in NZ we have Homes that range from very basic to very expensive; this one where I am in a respite situation is rather "institutionalized" but does have rooms that you have to have enough money to pay for one. I became very ill back in 2019 and placed into Pallative care,my family told I had 6-12 hours to live. Well I'm still alive and kicking, eventually moving into a Granny flat at my eldest daughters, The NZ Government subsidises the cost of our Rest Home if we are low income [ Pension ] but we are allowed a very small amount of money $95 a fornight... I know I will eventually HAVE to give up my independant living but I will do what I have to do so my family do not need to continue to worry about me. As an aside, one of my grandaughters works here at my Rest Home and my middle daughter has just started a multitasking position here. There are many years of Resthome caring between them and I am in very good hands.

Good to hear a positive post Pussanne.

Farzanah commented on having to wear clothes that were not your own. This really upset my mum when her own sister had to go in a home. She had labelled all of her clothes, but hated the fact that she was wearing other people’s knickers etc. I appreciate it must be the easiest way, but that would really bother me.

Residents wearing other resident's clothes is very poor practice. All the time my family members were care; 6 years, 6 years and 2 years respectively. To my knowledge this never happened, even once.

A friend of mine had a breakdown trying to look after her mother with dementia, while also doing a full time teaching job. Eventually her brother, who lived many miles away, realised the situation and insisted the mother went into a care home. She said to my friend “I’ll never forgive you for this”. It was awful, but actually she was reasonably happy in the care home, and my friend was able to live her life.

M0nica

Residents wearing other resident's clothes is very poor practice. All the time my family members were care; 6 years, 6 years and 2 years respectively. To my knowledge this never happened, even once.

I’m talking about 40 years ago, as my aunt has been dead for that time. That is good to hear MOnica, but with respect, I cannot think that things have improved in recent years, with staff shortages etc.

Can anyone with family in care homes tell us if the wearing of their own clothes is what happens nowadays?

I don't think I would do very well in a care home due to serious food allergies, have been in casualty over 20 times in anaphylactic shock. If I started to have dementia I would not know what was safe to say and would probably end up with a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of wine. Wheat,peanuts and wine would probably kill me.
At least the family would inherit my house and assets.

Germanshepherdsmum

BigBertha1

I won't be doing any of that. I will be taken by a more permanent solution.

I would be doing the same at the first sign that I was en route to needing someone else to wash and dress me and wipe my backside. Fortunately I get a heap of barbiturates each month for epilepsy. Job done.

I’m with the two of you and fortunately my partner is of a similar mind. We both know the point that we would find life unbearable and if the person who wishes to end it needs assistance both of us would help each other while protecting ourselves against prosecution. Our relatives and friends have been made aware and nobody has voiced any objections.
We have both lived wonderful lives and still have many happy years to go (hopefully).

My parents belonged to the Voluntary Euthanasia Society. They had all the literature explaining how they could end their lives. When it came to the point, they found they did not want to do it.

If the option was for me to stay at home and be an emotional and physical burden to my children then yes I would willingly go into a care home.

Some very naive posts on here.
My mum would have done away with herself if she thought she'd ever 'end up in a home' as she would have said. She's got Alzheimers now & thinks she's in a hotel (on a good day) and in prison (bad day.)
That's if she can 'think' at all. :-(
My sister & I can't wait for her to die & be free.

The home is amazing & the staff are brilliant, can't fault them at all, but it's not pleasant seeing your mum in a nappy & bib.

Those of you who think you'll store drugs under the mattress & take them when life gets harder, think again.. they are often found after people have died, having forgotten all about them due to dementia etc!

How sad Reggie20. At least the first of us to go will have some help.
Although there can be sudden descent into dementia for most it is gradual so my idea is to take control as soon as I know I am ill.
If I knew a loved ones wishes I would be helping them.

Going into a home is not synonymous with life being unbearable.

Two of my relations had dementia but were perfectly happy while having it and perfectly happy in the care home. Obviously they were unsettled when we moved them there. but had a room with large french windows onto a hedgerow and they had bird feeders outside it, which they kept replenished. My uncle died after 18 montha, but my aunt was there for 6 years, for all but the last six months she was on no medication at all, but at the end was in a state of constant mild distress.

My other uncle was sound in mind and body, but suffered from depression and was prone to self neglect. He was in a care home for the last six years of his life. He described them as the happiest years of his life. He was on anti depressants that worked well and had no worries, no anxieties, he turned all his affairs over to me to manage and did not want me to discuss anything about them with him. As long as his fees were paid that was all he cared. I did keep accounts and handed them over to the solicitor, together with his bank statements when he died.

SachaMac
Your situation is very similar to mine. We had problems with carers turning up very late, which made my mum cross and confused.
Since she had her last fall, and a hospital stay of eight weeks we’ve been assigned different carers. So far these seem much better, she is having 4 visits a day now. She still resents them, and tells me every day she doesn’t need them, but after 10 hospital admissions I’m not about to cancel them. Could you look into changing your carers and maybe have 3 visits a day. There’s not much else you can do, your Like me running about like a headless chicken most days and inbetween waiting for the phone to ring, with yet another emergency ?