Would you willingly go into a care home .

Has anyone read Atul Gawande’s book Being Mortal? He’s an American doctor, professor, surgeon, and public health researcher amongst other things. He has written extensively about old age and care. Very thought provoking.

You’re absolutely right KatyJ I’ve had so many ‘emergency’ calls at all hours. We also had to have the chain removed from the door as my mum insisted on putting it on despite us repeatedly telling her not to and we ended up having to get the police out to break in after she had falls in the night on more than one occasion.
I do find it very draining when she sits there and says she doesn't need carers coming in and out all the time disturbing her when it’s so obvious that she needs more care not less. As you say there’s nothing more we can do other than try to keep our patience & make sure the care package remains in place because knowing they are going in gives us at least some peace of mind.

These threads have reaffirmed my commitment not to become an eldery tantrum toddler and make people's lives around me so unpleasant

Becoming old is not fun but there is no need to complicate it even further

My dad was in a fantastic care home for a while. It was small and just like a real home with not too many residents, pets were allowed [within reason] and the food was wonderful. Sadly the council closed it because the doors were just a bit narrower than they should be even though wheelchairs could get through. It would have cost the owner more than he could afford to make the changes. My dad ended up in an awful place - the staff were pleasant but overworked. He lived such a long way away from me but would not move. It was heartbreaking.
What is more important, happy residents or a few centimetres re a door width?

And yes, I would go into a home if my family - who luckily live near - approved of the facilities

I don't think I would go willingly as I'm fairly anti social and not a fan of enforced jollity, however if I need to be looked after and carers coming to me won't be enough, so be it. It's easy for me to say that now,of course. I might say differently at the time.

Mine have been told that, should I have dementia, they must put me in a care home, no matter how much kicking and screaming I do.
Had my aunt not gone into a care home I would have had a nice tidy inheritance, but I was far happier to know that she was being looked after.
Many years ago my friend and I used to visit an old lady who had sold everything and lived in the hotel where my aunt worked. Granted, she did not need a great deal of care, and died quite suddenly in hospital, so it was more that she felt safer there than at home alone ( and she loved the food!)

Things such as wearing other people's clothes are now, rightly, of course, seen as abusive.
Even writing the persons name in them is frowned upon.
Their clothes are their own personal property, and should be treated and looked after as such.

My friend often finds her mother in other people’s clothes when she visits, although she has told the staff previously. She has rescued her from an “entertainment” singing session, when her mother begged to be taken out of there.
This is to all intents and purposes a “good” home.

She needs to take these issues up with the home, because it is unacceptable.
She could also ask that it is clearly logged, in writing, that her mum does not wish to take part in sing-a-longs.
Homes are under a lot of pressure to provide activities, so it would also help them to have written records regarding this.

They should already have them, though, and they should be regularly reviewed.

Floradora9, one woman in my mother’s (dementia only) care home thought she was running a boarding house (as she evidently had in the past) and more than once told me that so-and-so owed her nine quid for last week’s rent!

My mother once told me that she was ‘sick of this job!’ but I never did find out what she thought she was doing.

It was an Abbeyfield, purpose-built for dementia care home, extremely good, and not as expensive some rather less suitable ones we looked at.

Might add that we’ve had relatives in various care homes - my mother and my FiL (he was in an ordinary residential followed by a nursing home), and two aunts.
We had no complaints about any of them.

Dh’s old aunt, however, absolutely hated the one where she put herself for a month while her helper was away. She was a bit frail, but no dementia. Staff were surly and miserable - I visited her there twice.
Yet on paper it was the flashest - seafront location, smart furnishings, etc. It was certainly one of the most expensive in the area,

Having seen so many care homes, I would never judge by ‘smart’ decor. Cosy and homely, with cheerful, welcoming staff, are IMO so much more important.

Myself and my late husband cared for my late mom with dementia until the last 8 weeks of her life.

Our Dr's stepped in, in the end and said "No more: both of you have health issue's. People in normal health can't do what you have been doing"

I would probably have gone and got mom out of the temporary place until we got a placement however mom had a nasty fall in the place and broke her hip.

That was the beginning of the end. Fortunately we managed to get mom into a home 5 minutes from us so we could visit everyday.

Although it was still exhausting the level of what we had to do went down drastically.

Mom had, had enough before we could no longer care!

The reason for my birth was to look after my mom in her later years. That was the only reason my father allowed me to be born. Mom was 36 and my father was 49 when I was born.

As you can tell ftom thr language I use with my father it was a difficult childhood. The reasons for my birth were made clear to me.

There is no way on God's green earth am I going to be a problem to my youngsters and they know that

So whilst no I don't want to end up in a care home, there are certain circumstances where it would be the only option then I wouldn't know about it.

My adult children know this as I have made it very clear to them I don't want them in the position I was.

It's utterly selfish to expect your children to look after you in your later years

SachaMac
Yes your right it’s very frustrating and draining. I wish you the very best of luck and patience. Think we’re both going to need it

My MIL is nearly 98, still in her own home and very frail with diagnosed dementia. She has a lady that comes in twice a day, and will come during the night if she presses the alarm. Ideally she would like a live-in carer, but not having much in savings, the house would have to be sold if her care needs got worse.

My DH goes every day to give her lunch and keep her company - of course he also has to do her shopping, order medication, do the laundry etc. It's local but still an hour's round trip. We have looked at several care homes for respite care for when the carer is away. They all insisted that on a long term basis, all clothes had to have sewn in name labels to avoid confusion. She did have a week in respite in the only place available when the carer took a holiday, but hated it. Unfortunately she has a habit of removing hearing aids and hiding them, which the staff found frustrating (understandable!) and they ended up taking them away. She is not a very sociable person and even when another resident waved at her, she didn't wave back!

Floradora9
I love your outlook but unfortunately reality doesn’t always work out as you wish.
My Mother in Law was 85 when she flew to New Zealand and back, alone.
2 years later she developed macular degeneration and was registered blind. Then she fell down the stairs and broke her hip from which she never fully recovered and went into a nursing home. Nobody but nobody knows what’s round the corner.

Each resident in a care home can have a couple of stands of cotton sewn onto the clothes label.
Everyone has their own colour, laundry room has a chart up, showing who has which colour.
For residents who like to sew, they can help putting in a couple of stands on new clothes.
Activity - done!
Peoples' property- easily identifiable!

What a clever, and simple, idea.

And cheap!
It does look much better than black marker pen in people's belongings.

It’s irrelevant as to whether you want it, though - if things get to the point when it’s necessary, it won’t be your choice to make. If it’s not longer safe or possible to be in your own home, this is what needs to happen.

Grandmabatty you do not have to take part in enforced jollity. None of my relatives did. The couple with dementia, sat apart, by choice, in one of the lounge areas or stayed in their room. My uncle stayed in his room but sat and talked to people at mealtimes, and made several friends that he would meet up with, of an afternoon, in their room or his.

Most homes put laundry marks on residents clothing. I can remember, as a child, any clothes sent to the laundry had laundry marks. I cannot see why it should cause problems. I also went to boarding school and had name tags on everything

Nobody but nobody knows what’s round the corner.
Very true and perhaps it's just as well.

Calendargirl

M0nica

Residents wearing other resident's clothes is very poor practice. All the time my family members were care; 6 years, 6 years and 2 years respectively. To my knowledge this never happened, even once.

I’m talking about 40 years ago, as my aunt has been dead for that time. That is good to hear MOnica, but with respect, I cannot think that things have improved in recent years, with staff shortages etc.

Can anyone with family in care homes tell us if the wearing of their own clothes is what happens nowadays?

My mum lived in a care home until she died two months ago. As she went to live there in April 2020 we struggled to visit due to Covid restrictions so our experience of mums life there was limited although for her last three months visits were not limited.

Although the home was not registered as a Dementia facility, all the residents had dementia to some degree and the wonderful staff were very experienced. We were asked to label all mums clothes before she went there so that her own things could be returned to her room after washing. With over 40 residents, many incontinent, there was a lot of washing to do and it was not reasonable to expect the laundry workers to identify everyone’s clothes in not named. Mum was not aware anyway that her clothes were labelled!

We started out with iron on labels but they soon came off so we used snap on labels provided by the home. These were small and attached very discreetly to labels inside clothes and were almost impossible to get off.

However, Mum often had clothes go missing and sometimes wore things that were not hers. This was because many people with dementia wander into various rooms as they no longer recognise their own room and will just pick up anything they see and want! Mum also used to leave her things around the home and forget where they were so cardigans, bags, shoes etc got lost. If the majority of clothes were not labelled, the poor staff would have struggled to return items to the right rooms!

The staff did their best, if we mentioned it they would remove items that were not hers and go to the laundry room to look for her missing things. They tended to know which residents “ collected” things and would search their rooms regularly, my mums next door neighbour used to take shoes! She also enjoyed a nap on any bed she could find empty!

While visits were restricted, there wasn’t much we could do and just accepted things, it wasn’t safe for mum to live alone at her house anymore and we didn’t really have much choice. The care she received was exemplary, Mum was genuinely loved by the carers even though she resisted their help and would bite, scratch, kick or spit at them during personal care, it took four carers to help her have a shower!

Once unrestricted visits inside the home were allowed again in February, it was much easier to keep an eye on mums possessions, one of the first things I did was go through her wardrobe to return things that were not hers and go down to the laundry room to look through the boxes of lost property to look for missing things. I never found everything as obviously I did not go into other residents rooms but I wasn’t overly bothered as long as Mum was well looked after, what she wore became less important.

Mum was self funded and paid around £1000 a week but the home was part of a group run on a not for profit basis, all profits were ploughed back into the 12 homes in the group. Staffing levels were higher than on some other homes and the staff were paid the living wage which helped with staff retention.

It was more important to me that mum was safe and well looked after than what clothes she wore.

Sing-a-longs are not compulsory, but for people with dementia, they may be enjoyable as they can often remember the words of songs when they can remember little else.

It doesn't have to be war-time songs; I think care homes will know the age of their residents.

My Grandmother wears her own clothes. Each resident has their own laundry basket. Once a week someone comes and gets it, washes the clothes, puts it directly back into the basket and takes it back. There is no mixing of residents clothing at any time.