Black DOG 13

How is everyone this morning?

I've got an appointment for CBT over the 'phone, for this Friday. Been waiting 6 months. I'm now wondering what to say.

I hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Ellie Anne

Violet sky no I don’t. Just unable to move or speak.

I’ve only had sleep paralysis once a few years ago and my God it was terrifying. I felt there was something on my back I tried to reach for the lamp to hit it, couldn’t move and it talked to me,well it said two words and I can’t repeat them here…?..

HVDY
Then tell them.... "I've been wondering what to say". That will help them. Ime a first session involves getting background information, if thats any help.

Dreams and dream like states have the nasty habit of the "worst fear/self putting down or harming" popping out.
The way they try to help me to deal with them is to say to self
"I have just thought that...." ie give it distance that it's one thought amongst many possibilities. But it's scary/easy to say in the light of day/hard to do in the moment.

Lesser issues...I'm tired out, got shopping and yoga done, but have to stay awake and best face forward for boiler man and avoid any, "and how is DH etc.

I may get a bit of news re ex today tangentially via his brother but whether relevant to my worries doubtful.

Hi all x

Music for relaxation , ‘Sailing By’. Always played every night by
BBC Shipping Forecast, it is on uTube.

Thoughts for settling to sleep, I always sing songs in my mind,
i Have quite a collection, not lively songs, in my list are
Myfanwy, which was my lullaby when small, Moonlight In
Vermont, Danny Boy, My Funny Valentine, Nonnie use to do
the Alphabet, things beginning with etc. doesn’t work for me,
get stuck on a q and k ,

Have sorted out my sleeping arrangements, single divan bed with a large throw and cushions for daytime, I am upset that I
will have to part with my indoor garden but no choice.

Will definitely help with heating bills which was worrying me
.on pension credit.

How is everyone?

Wyllow3 Thanks, I'll do that.

Anniebach It's a shame that you'll have to forego your indoor garden, but it's important to have a proper place to sleep and to be comfortable.

Collected the GDs from their schools and come back here - they're currently playing some game. Pub for dinner or shall I cook?

Hi everyone
HVDY- poor old Mr C - cats are amazing though as they can manage to eat with no teeth at all .Bet he enjoyed his chicken.
I,m sure that you,ll know what to say once the CBT appointment starts - I hope you find it helpful.
Doodle- thanks for the birthday wishes but I can’t remember either!!! We,ve been in a boat today - so happy to be back on the water for the first time in 3 years!!!
EllieAnne- It must be difficult fir your daughter and you too when you are worried about her. It doesn’t seem fair that she has to hide that she is unwell. How did your DH get on when he was there?
Night terrors sound awful- hope you don’t get them often.
VioletSky - Labryinth is one of my favourite films too- what a charismatic Goblin King Bowie was. That sounds a really good idea to help with getting to sleep.
My favourite film is Dances with Wolves so maybe a buffalo hunt would help me!!!!
Wyllow- I understand that you would not want to stir up problems re your ex so it’s a good idea to wait until you can talk it over first. Also you might in the meantime get news from that other source. Glad you feel like a Gym visit- a good positive sign.
Shinamae - that sounds horrendous I would have freaked out.
Annie - the Divan idea sounds like a good one. It’s a shame you,ll loose your indoor garden but perhaps you could have cushions with bright flowers on them and have a cushion garden!! It will be so much better for you to have a bed to sleep in again.
I do Nonnies alphabet game sometimes if I can’t sleep but cut myself a bit of slack with Q,s X,s and Z,s. I miss Nonnie hope she’s all right.
Love to all in BDGxxx

Love to all back. The plumber was actually very chatty and guess what his borderline MH stuff came up when it dawned I wasn't particularly phased by it so he got a listening to but lots of other fun chat too. I told him why exDH east here but didn't want to talk about it. Rather "high" atm therefore and there is always a "come down" so am on the lookout for it hitting (better for me personally than trying to evade)

Still waiting for borderline chance of hearing a bit about exDH. Must'nt raise expectations could be a damp squib.

Annie been so concerned about you sleeping on the settee, awful, thank goodness you have found a solution, a decent bed so important....and just hoping SO much you can find another spot (s) for indoor plants. PS, if you haven't got one of those new fluffy washable electric blankets and confined the means they will make your bed very comfy in all weathers and ease aches and pains. Its a comfort in the night to be cosy certainly.

If you are tired Scaredycatthe pub as it will entertain them too lots of interesting people things going on.

Annie again I have just discovered on Sounds the "Sailing by" one hour gentle sound mixes that last an hour and no breaks for adverts. There is currently a choice of 5 and they are under "Music for relaxation , ‘Sailing By’. Search under "sleeping Forecast" on Sounds.

Oh love Dances with wolves too!

Rain and thunder sounds help me sleep

Wyllow I am ok at the moment. I have ups and downs depending on what’s happening but ok at the moment. Thank you for asking.
A woman I worked with, her husband went missing. She was beside herself worried about him as he had so many bad health problems. He turned up after a couple of weeks saying he didn’t feel like going home. Hope your ex is ok just off somewhere. Hope you had a good time at the gym

HVdY I expect the CBT people will ask questions which help you to know what to talk about. Hope you find it a help.
I do find it so troubling that resources are so stretched that people have to wait so long for help.
Your DGC must love coming to you. They always have such fun.
Shinamae what a terrifying experience. How awful for you. Hope it doesn’t happen again.
Annie sadly for me music makes me sad. I can listen to pop songs but anything that has any emotion in it makes me tearful. I can listen to pan pipes but after a while I find it irritating ?. I do listen to rain sounds, I find that soothing as long as it’s not a force 9 gale.
What a shame about your indoor garden. You got so much pleasure out of it. Have you any room for a couple of pots.
Scaredycat I am wondering where I’ve been that I have never heard of Labryinth. I’ve got a boxed game of that name but never heard of a film. I hope the sea was calm as you were in a boat. Hope you went somewhere nice and enjoyed it.
Wow what a lovely idea to have a cushion garden. I’m quite taken with that myself. ?
Wyllow glad your plumber came. Nice to have a chat with someone you get on with.
I have had a busy day today. Been out and about most of the day then went for a walk about 5pm. Didn’t go too far as I was quite tired already. Got plumber coming myself tomorrow. We’ve got a small leak from a pipe under the sink do hope he can fix that.
Sweetpeasue Joce Nanny and Nonnie thinking of you all. Hope you are ok
Sleep well all and go Sailing by. ?

Annie again I have just discovered on Sounds the "Sailing by" one hour gentle sound mixes that last an hour and no breaks for adverts. There is currently a choice of 5 and they are under "Music for relaxation , ‘Sailing By’. Search under "sleeping Forecast" on Sounds
In the last months of Paw’s life I used to fall asleep to “Sailing By” either secure in the knowledge that he was settled and I had this time for me, or when he was in hospital
Nearly 5 years on it still produces that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach like a punch in the gut and of course, tears.
I am always asleep before the end of the Shipping Forecast.

Hi all x

Just woken after a rather long power nap !

Maw so sorry mention of Sailing By caused you upset , yes we both have the 5 years thoughts ahead of us, you shared a
lovely poem with me x

Wyllow When you do hear news of your ex do come here x

HVDY the counsellor will take the lead, brought back a memory of me visiting the family G.P. and I mean family,
my parents, 2 daughters, 4 sisters and their families. He said
morning Annie how are you, my reply was ‘fine thank you’ duh.

Scardycat a cushion garden, great suggestion, my passions
walking, gardening, poetry, lost the walking and gardening ,
now my indoor garden which I started when I couldn’t care
for my garden , now that has to go , need I say I want a cushion
with snowdrops on it x

Doodle my choice of songs is so old, Alexa must be fed up of
my daily requests x

How is everyone?

Annie I don’t have a cushion with snowdrops but here is a picture.

Ellie Anne thank you, I have much love for that tiny flower x

How is choir practice going ? x

Hi Annie- just looked on Amazon there are lots of snowdrop cushions!!xx

Are there ? That’s great, thank you Scaredycat x

I have never heard of Sailing by on Sounds with the shipping forecast. I listened to it last night after it was mentioned. What a wonderful idea. So relaxing.
Maw is it really five years. Not surprised you still mis Paw so much.
Annie it is a nice idea of Scaredycat to have cushions with flowers on. I know you’re love of snowdrops.
Ellie Anne that’s a lovely photo. I love trees. Woodland scenes.
Scaredycat genius idea. I will look for some cushions for myself.
Hope everyone is getting on ok.

Annie tonight is rehearsal but I’ve got myself upset over something in the family so not really feeling like it. It’s to do with other Gran being included while I am left out. I try not to be hurt but it’s hard. The wee one is much closer to her .

Had predicable low flat day after yesterday. Lots of admin but no getting out. No news ex all weird. One likely result (too complex to explain)is that divorce will go through without finances sorted, which means no closure on being definitely able to keep my house financially or its value for a move, or whether can just move. I hope that when the counselling comes I can work through the love/passion and the later hurt and destructiveness to my soul. Its that he's gone...but not gone..he may be in a right state or even found a new woman.

Music. I had a background as child of playing the cello and youth orchestras andDad playing music. Fortunate in that it can enter my soul and speak to me in there and help me feel things (told you I cant cry).

In my 5 worst major depressive episodes in my life nothing reaches me, All is meaningless, I just want to die. Can't post online, talk to friends/family at all

After all the help I've had and still get some (resources are short) this is not so likely again. I'm more in the land Doodle describes right now of "it depends on events in my life". And music can be a whole range of things, almost like another person can be.

I have given up on a whole range of things I used to think were necessary for living a worthwhile life, and many were illusions...."success" "popular" "saving the world or "making everything all right: believing there could be "an answer" which, like finding a key, would unlock and free me.

Instead maybe I'm more like everyone else... life has sorrows and comforts and we live with them and meet others who travel with us along life's way which enrich. But I used to believe I couldnt manage without Ex, and it isnt true, aloneness isnt a state to be in all the time but has its own pleasures.

Evening all, hope everyone’s doing better than me...
I have tested positive for covid, my health anxiety is sky high, was wondering if anyone has had it can give me a idea of how long it lasts.. I’m sorry I know it’s silly but I just go to bits...
take care all hope you all have a peaceful night sleep...

Oh Ellie Anne I feel for you I really do. Sometimes it’s not easy being the ‘other granny’. Please try not to upset yourself. My two DGDs spent far more time with ‘other grandma’ than they did with me and DH when they were younger. They were with her several days a week and us now and then. When they grow up it really doesn’t make a difference. Your grandchild can get just as close to you when they start understanding things themselves. Just be kind and affectionate. Enjoy the times you do have together. My DGDs are now quite grown and I know they love us. They show it in their care, their hugs and manner. Try not to worry.
Hope you went to choir and enjoyed it.

Wyllow I’m so sorry you are in this sort of limbo. I hope the counselling helps. How lovely to be able to play an instrument . The closest I got (apart from a triangle!) were a few piano lessons with my grandma. Sadly not enough to be able to play anything other than chopsticks.
Very thoughtful post from you. You are sounding a little more positive. I think as we get older our ideas of what we need and want to achieve mellow slightly. I couldn’t cope with the person I was in my 30s juggling all sorts of things and dashing about all over the place.
Dear Joce so sorry about you having Covid. Yes I have had it and DH who is clinically vulnerable. We had it recently a few months ago. We were both fine. I had a hacking cough for a couple of days and some bouts of being hot and then shivery but in all honesty I’ve had far worse colds. I hope yours is a mild version and you are not too I’ll. I drank lots of warm drinks. It made me very tired and lethargic and also very emotional which I understand is quite normal. So don’t push yourself to do things just rest and take it easy. Hope you feel better soon.

Sorry you asked how long it went in for. I suppose everyone is different but for me bad cough a couple of days then bouts of coughing for a week. Tiredness for just over a week but I didn’t feel ill just tired. The hot and cold shivers about two or three days. I wasn’t so unwell that I couldn’t cook dinner or get out of bed.

Doodle thank you, I’m on the clinically vulnerable list so that hasn’t helped my anxiety, but you have put my mind at ease a bit...

Dear Ellie, I was "the other grandmother" for years but do you know what Doodle says is spot on. Honestly. Believe its possible x
Hi Joce, you can do this...and if things feel they are really going beyond what you can cope with ring your GP urgently? yes?

Doodle bless you for your understanding. All together now please, "wyllow its OK to be in your dressing gown and one of the great unwashed for one day and feeling fed up it won't be like that tomorrow and no you didn't totally balls with \x on the phone and no they wont hate you forever...etc etc)"

HVDY, if I don't catch you in the morning, bests for the appointment.