Black DOG 13

Sweetpeasue not need to apologise! Not surprised your anxiety is steam rolling ahead! Have a hug.

Major damage from yesterday was ginormas guilt in the night and whirlwind of dreams - still on a bit of a high but its up to me to calm it down/come down slowly today by not carrying on piling on Stuff.

Best days possible BD's and special thoughts for Annie that you will get a decent care package soon.

HVDYI hope your chesty cough isn't too bad and you're soon back full health. You'll be glad you don't have the extra washing and ironing even if it seems fairly quiet.
Wyllow3 You'll breathe a sigh of relief when your ex has signed those papers and you can relax a bit. I hope you've managed to 'come down' as you put it. I see how your yoga must be a great help there.
Doodle Have you been walking as well as cycling? - - you must be getting fitter. I did 2 n half kilometres today though no walking. How are you lately?
Annie As ever, you are in all of our thoughts. I do hope you're not in as much pain with your joints and hands and your painkillers are working.
Scaredycat If you're reading this we're all wishing you a lovely holiday.

I've calmed down somewhat now. DH picked up letter I'd asked for. Wasn't actually the letter that's usually sent to GP to keep them informed but my discharge paper after op. The procedure written was not what I'd been told I had but I'm not as concerned as I was. I'll ask GP to add an addendum though. I started to get bowel pain back at times over weekend so am worried that adhesion is growing back or cyst, I can't go through all of it again. I'll be OK.
Hope EllieAnne Whiff and all on BD have been OK today. X

Sweetpeasue just glad to hear of a minor alleviation. Fear/anxiety costs so much as well as the physical. They interact. What you need most, which is not for a miracle cure, but to really know whats going on, is hard for you to find xx

I actually had a very very good chat with elderly Quaker friend. At the end of last year she had been pretty nasty to me, after quite a lot of devoted friendship in Covid, but things have changed.
You see....she understands the abuse side, it happened to her too, but I was the only one she told for 3 years until recently when she at last stopped feeling ashamed - at 89! and told her sons (or I wouldn't have shared it here) and the damn broke and she is happier as they accepted it and her.

You have hit nail on head what I need most to move ahead which is resolution of divorce.

However, a massive down hasn't come along, but a massive dose of the physical side of CFS, much more bearable tbh.

How are you other BD's faring today?

I managed an hour’s walk today. Meant to go further but it started to rain.
Did my helping at church this morning but my heart was not in it.
I spoke to a friend about the horrible thoughts I am having and she was lovely. There are no answers but knowing someone cares means a lot.
Sorry sweet pea sue For your pain.
So many brave people on this site.
Annie I hope you are coping with everything.

EllieAnne You yourself are the brave one! I'm so glad your chat with your friend has helped a little. You are so right about the value of knowing someone cares. We are not islands and excessive isolation can be very bad for us. We need to know that someone cares. Your family do care for you and your grandchildren. I have no answers to improve your situation at home, I wish I did. But try and nurture yourself and be kind to yourself. Tell yourself you are a lovely person(you are!) every day.
Wyllow3 That is so sad to hear about your 89 Yr old friend. I hope she now holds her head high. How terrible that she should feel shame for what she had to live with! Glad she and her sons have come to terms with the past. I hope you will soon get your energy back with sufficient rest.

Evening all.
Sweetpeasue you are doing well on the bike. I did 3 km last night but then had trouble sleeping because my knees were a bit fidgety. They didn’t hurt just couldn’t relax.
Having conflicting information from the NHS is not a good thing. We all need proper facts, I know that you are over it now but up if you do hyperventilate again, the breathing into a paper bag works well. Hope now you have a copy of the letter you can sort it out with your GP.
Hope the bowel pain eases off again. We went for a walk today but not far. DH has a really bad cough and his breathing is a bit laboured. I remember that song too but I prefer the Pushbike song. I find it more encouraging 🤣
Wyllow glad you’ve had your damp work done and we’re able to escape to the gym.
You sound as though you have good insight into your problems. Are you able to calm yourself down when you feel that you are going at things full pelt? I am glad you feel you are much better than when you had long periods of depression. It’s good your meeting with your Quaker friend went well. Sounds as though it was helpful for both of you. Poor lady, holding all that inside her for so long. Glad her family are supportive.
I do hope those papers are signed soon and then perhaps you can relax a bit and things can get better.
HVDY it’s funny how different traits come out in different members of the family. It’s nice your DGD gets on well with her dad. Perhaps they can work something out between them that suits them all, My DH has a chesty cough too.he spoke to the Gp this morning who has changed his medication so hopefully that will help. Hope you are improving too. It must be more restful now that you are not having to sort out beds all the time and can relax a bit.
Ellie Anne I do hope you saw your DGS yesterday and were able to spend time with him. A good walk will do you good. I’m glad you had a chat with your friend. Sometimes it does good to tell someone how you are and not keep it all bottled up. Nice your friend was supportive. We are all careful who we trust with our anxieties but it’s good to have someone to chat to about it. Wish things could be better for you.
Annie hope you are getting a bit better and more help is available soon. So pleased you were able to post and let us know how you are. We’ve all been so worried. Take care xx

I know I dont know you Ellie Anne but I care because you are in so much pain. I'm glad you spoke to a friend today.

Wyllow you said it for all of us.

SweetpeaSue I hope you're feeling less anxious today. Breathing in and out of a paper bag is a good idea (I was told by a GP, many years ago about that).
Wyllow3 I hope you are feeling better today. I expect you'll feel much more settled once your divorce is finalised.
Your Quaker friend must have suffered for a long time if it's affected her to this grand age.
Doodle Has your husband got antibiotics? I hope he feels better soon.
EllieAnne Glad you felt able to confide in your friend. We all need someone or something as a release from our troubles. We all care about you and wish we could help.
Anniebach I hope you're feeling a bit better. Take care x

How is everyone this morning? Both my boys called in after work yesterday, and they both stayed for dinner (curry etc). It was like old times when they were teenagers. Son1 has been buying things for his home. Son2 still hasn't moved house and the solicitors have been delaying things, but hopefully, he'll move soon. I hope everyone on BD manages to have a decent day. xx

Hi all x

Update- I am on a virtual ward ! doctor called this morning,
district nurses are to call regularly, dietician, social services involved and physiotherapists. I am been given a hospital bed,
not the metal type, so I can raise myself by pressing a button,
and lower the bed so it’s level with wheelchair, I will not have
to put pressure on the arthritis joints.

Carer is hovering to take iPad off me 🙄. Love to all x

Anniebach I'm glad that, at last, the medical professionals are liaising with each other, in order to get you the help you have needed for (too) long. The hospital bed is a very good idea, and I wonder why you weren't given one to start with. I'm glad things now seem to be "on the up". xx

HVDY no DH doesn’t have antibiotics because his cough isn’t an infection it’s been caused by the beta blockers he was prescribed. He stopped taking them yesterday and although he’s still coughing his breathing is better today.
I bet you enjoyed your sons visiting. Funny they should turn up together……did they know it was curry night 🤣
Annie I have read about virtual wards in the the papers. Where the medical team keep a close check on you while you are at home. That is good news. The hospital bed should be a big help if you can move it on your own. Thanks to your carer for helping with the iPad. It’s lovely to hear from you but please don’t hurt yourself by typing too much. xx

Anniebach Such a relief that you're getting more help now. It's terrible that it took a fall to make them realise you needed it. I'm so pleased that you have all of these people assessing your needs. The bed sounds amazing. I'm imagining you pressing all of these buttons to get used to how it all works--and then pressing them again just to make sure! Carer is making sure you follow the rules too--hand over the iPad. Hope you sleep well. x
HVDY It must be lovely to have both sons together for a meal. It can be very rare occasion when that comes about here. They all have busy lives don't they? Son2 must be looking forward to moving in now. Hope he's settled in before Christmas. Taken note of the paper bag tip, thanks.
Doodle I do hope your husband's medication is working as he suffers enough with one thing or another. Wonder if the colder weather has made it turn chesty. Paper bag tip--Thankyou. Will need to seek one out!
Confession - - not been pedalling today - no excuse. Hope to be back in saddle tomorrow. Lost a fair bit of weight then put on a bit over last couple of weeks. Face was looking a bit(a lot) gaunt but weight hasn't gone back on there-oh no. Straight on bum, where it usually goes. 😑. Hope you're OK and your husband is feeling better soon.

EllieAnne Wyllow3 Whiff and all BD take care of yourselves and hope you're all OK. X

Sorry Doodle missed your post. Hadn't heard of virtual wards at all. Glad at least husband's breathing is better. Hope his cough will be better soon and his sleep isn't to much affected.

Annie I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the cavalry has arrived. I like the idea of enough hovering carers. My next hope is that you can find a way I pad/computer wise to be able to communicate as best you can and join in more. Smiled to read it. x

I had to call the mini cavalry in today after all. Crashed in the night twice, didn't want to call the night people, so depressed anxious couldn't see my way forward at all no point struggling anymore et al. Those thoughts are all familiar some for years and I have coping strategies, but they get overwhelmed.

So I did TRY to do all the coping things but nothing worked including the max PRN meds extra........ so rung them at 4pm and got a call back.

No doubt all issues round abuse/divorce and physical illness (can't do vital things like see my family and CFS is not just tiredness, its like flu each might plus IBS flared up in last weeks) just got to straw/camels back point.

Nice lady..helped a bit to share..she was shocked by levels of abuse stuff said I was strong not now I said wits end.

See how it goes. I asked to have a proper treatment plan forward at the end not just ??? discharge ??? coping better plan non existent at the mo.

Sorry will catch up properly when able.

(elderly friend got the real abuse in the last year when her husband was dying - he tore into her etc frequently but made nice to everyone else - before he'd been a bossy trad male of his time but not undermining, crushing, they'd had good times, it was that last bit she needed accepting so much)

Wyllow3 Just read about the awful time you're having right now. It sounds as if you did everything to try and cope yourself. I'm so glad that the person you called was able to listen, understand and help by being there for you. Sometimes that's enough--just so we can offload and by doing so release some tension and come down to a comfortable level. It must be awful to live with your CFS on top of everything else and you must miss seeing your family. I think you'll feel better once you have the papers signed and out of the way. I hope some of your coping strategies will work tonight if you need them. If not please don't hesitate to reach out and call someone again, they are there for you. Wishing you a peaceful night and a better day for you tomorrow. I often wake at night if I do you will be in my thoughts.

Thank you for coming in. will think of other BD's in night. I felt really guilty after posting, when people on other threads face awful things, cancer and so on, thats the trouble with MH problems, reactions are OTT to things others deal with.

Sweetpeasue thank you. Yes he is a bit better tonight.
I must confess I haven’t been on the bike either tonight. Perhaps we should get a tandem then when one of us isn’t up to it the other could do the peddling. 🤣
Goodness Wyllow I’m so sorry you had such an awful night. Things seem to have build up to a point where you couldn’t cope any more. You were brave to go through all your coping mechanisms but sometimes something more is needed. Glad you had someone to talk too. With all you have been through recently I can understand the build up plus the CFS as you say takes just too much out of you. I’m sure the thought of discharge has been one of the straws that has brought this on. You do need a proper care plan I think.
Like Sweetpeasue I hope you have a better calmer night tonight but I too will think of you when I wake up.

Annie brilliant news about your virtual ward and the electronic bed. Life should become easier for you with it all in place. And give you peace of mind that you are being properly cared for. As your body beens to feel bit better so will your worries lesson. Well that's my hope for you.

I admire you all here as you have and are going through so much. But being able to talk about makes it easier to bear.

I know I am open and can talk to anyone about what's going on in my life means I cope. Have my moments when things get to much but I have learnt since my husband died not to hold those feelings in as I was only hurting myself. So if I want to cry, shout,swear at my husband or hit a pillow I do and feel better for it.

Life is not black and white but shades of grey. We all have to weather the good,bad and down right awful. But we do it. We are only give one life and we have to live it to the full. I have been ill my whole life but it was my fit healthy husband who died aged 47. That taught me to never give up and I promised him to live the best life I can and I do.

All our life's are touched by various things but we battle on. And I always think what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

So battle on and get through each day the best way you can and soon days,weeks,months ,years have gone by and you are still here. Take care of yourselves. X

Doodle Son2 often calls in on Tuesdays. It's the only day he goes in to the office. Son1 said he was calling in to pick up something from the loft. I hope your husband is coughing less now. Sometimes the side effects of some medications are almost as bad as the condition they are taken for.
Wyllow2 It sounds as though you had got to breaking point. At times, coping strategies are only so effective and a person to talk to is needed. I hope you get a proper care plan put in place.
SweetpeaSue I hope you're doing alright. Son2 hopes things will get moving quickly. His GF is going for a 12-week scan next Tuesday, and he's going too. He's excited.
Whiff You have had so much to cope with. You are right about how we must all get through life as best as we can.
Anniebach I hope you had a better night, in your new bed. Thinking of you

I was feeling so lonely and lost without Mr Cooper yesterday but both sons needed help with things at their respective homes. I was glad to be of use. Day centre with my sister-in-law today. Hope everyone on BD manages to have a decent day X

I like the virtual tandem idea doodle.

whiff that's all very true sometimes I think we only really learn the hard way. Is the strength in fact in "coming to terms" and "learning to endure" that are the gifts of hardship and pain, to the extent of being able to enjoy what is there, not what isn't there.

* I'm wondering abut your pain levels SweetpeaSue hoping last night wasn't too bad.

It won't come easily, HVDY, the goodbye. and yes, knowing you are useful and needed is good, you are gifting your SiL so much.

I am in crisis tho last night was better: I had a counselling session to day with abuse counsellor which will reap its rewards in time, its at the "unpicking 11 years" stage with both pluses and minus's in doing so. It can be no other way. Having a dressing gown day not having to put on a front to the world, it feels a relief and not scary doing it one day. so tired!

Annie and EllieAnn life is not kind to you atm: may your days be tolerable with something ameliorating.

Waves to the BD's who read but dont feel up to coming in. Or you are not able to as it could reveal confidences x

Wyllow3 It's sometimes good to have a dressing-gown day. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself to something, if you can. Indulge yourself, if possible. You've been (and still are) through such a lot. Time to look after yourself.

I hope all on BD is ok.

My sister-in-law seems not too bad when in conversation, but them 20 minutes later has forgotten what was talked about. She also does this thing where she repeats a story she's heard, but makes it her own somehow - I told her about how I once worked in a petrol station, and when I left (about 2 weeks later!) the bloke didn't pay me the proper wage. SIL then repeated it almost word for word, but as though she'd worked there. Such a shame. Hope everyone has a pleasant evening. x

HVDY You must feel so lost without Mr Cooper, you had him such a long time. I know you take comfort that he lead a lovely happy life with you, but it doesn't stop the sadness and your heartache--only helps it a little. He was a very special cat. Hope you had a decent day at the day centre. I'm sure your sister in law appreciated it.
Whiff As always you have some loving, kind and wise words. You've had so much illness and pain then grief and heartbreak, and one can make the other worse too. You have, and do still battle on and your humour is wonderful. I'd love to have a good scream now and then but our adjoining walls with neighbours are very thin! Maybe I should forewarn them. 🤭
Wyllow3 I had a good night last night, I hope you slept too. Pleased your counselling session went well and you feel you'll benefit in time. It must be very painful to go through but also brave to face. Hope you feel less tired soon.
Doodle Been on bike, did 3. Tandem sounds so good and such fun! 'We' d look sweet upon the seat of a..... ' 🎶 Don't know where all these songs are coming from! Hope your husband is getting better.
Annie Thinking of you and hoping you're OK and will soon have less pain.

Saw consultant today. He doesn't think the cyst or bowel adhesion caused the pain. Told him worried bowel adhesion is growing or will grow back. He says no disease, everything OK inside but doesn't know why I had the bleeding a couple of weeks ago. Thinks if pain becomes a big issue should be referred to Pain Management. Can't do more but to be referred back to him if bleeding continues. Don't know what to do but wait a while to see how I go. I'm anxious still. He knows I'm angry with what's happened at THAT op 2 yrs ago and understands. Felt he was on my side so that felt good.

Hope everyone has peaceful night.

Hello Whiff nice to see you posting again. You are so right in all you say. As Joce would say, we keep plodding on. Hope things are going better for you at the moment.
HVDY good you get to see your son for a bit every week. Nice to catch up with him. Yes DH is a lot better now thank you. Once he stopped the meds he started feeling better.
Must be exciting for you as well as your son. I wonder if you will get to see one of the scan photos.
Of course you still feel the loss of Mr Cooper. I missed having a cuddle with my dogs too. Still makes me smile to look at photos of them and remember their funny little traits. My smallest dog (teacup size) thought he was a lion and would see off any bigger dog without a problem.
Dementia is such an awful illness. At least your SIL is still able to enjoy a visit to the day centre and hold a conversation.
Wyllow I woke up 3 times last night and sent up a little prayer for you each time. I’m glad you are meeting with you counsellor. I realise it will take time but hope it helps. Nothing wrong with having a day to yourself. You must be tired not having slept well for a couple of nights. Hope you feel more rested now.
Sweetpeasue how good to hear you had a better night. Ooh 3 km. I’d better get going on mine. No hills tonight though as I did a long walk earlier 🤣
Good visit with the consultant. I am pleased for you. No disease either which is a plus. I think Pain Management would be a good place to go if things start playing up again. I know others who have been under their care for various reasons.
Hope you sleep well tonight too.
Annie we are thinking of you. Hope the hospital bed helps and your careers are looking after you well x