Black DOG 13

I have a real thing for toffee latte, currently enjoying one as an after work treat before " getting stuff done" and wishing I could stay in my sofa divot

Just been violently sick after 15 mins of taking antibiotic for burning swollen area so waiting for another Dr to call back?But hey, at least there is another Dr and we're lucky to live in a developed country.
You're all so kind and lovely to care. Thank you so much for the poem Annie I really appreciate that. You know I love my poetry. Bless You

These are my feelings.
If nerve damage is causing my pain (and the bowel pain is impossible to describe,but it's not a gripey normal bowel pain, I've tried to describe it to husband but it's impossible too describe it's unbearable) then I could be stuck with it and I darent think that.
I loved your saying 'The past is a different country' Annie. But the past for me is still in the present because it's not past. Not in this case. I hear what everyone is saying about my energy levels.
I'm not an unforgiving person. I've had some awful betrayals and forgiven them without apologies.
I can't relate all the details on here but it's not a case of one Dr's betrayal.
What about other patients. If its a matter of the meek inheriting the earth' then I'd be on that list. Hope that doesn't sound like being self-virtuous.
To forgive the person who's done wrong should be remorseful or at least sorry. Not only has there been no sign of that there's been pre meditated furtive behaviour and leading me astray. There's so much more happened while I was under anaesthetic than I know about and what I know is disgusting. If we talk about Christianity, where does Contrition Remorse and Repentance come in - - there's been none of it, in fact salt has been rubbed in the wound. Doctors, above all have Duty of Candour and must NOT undertake any procedure that is not signed for unless its to save your life.
Much of my energy has been to try and decide what is the kind and moral thing to do. I need to be able to look at myself and be sure.
But this is not my past. I see the counsellor tomorrow so I'm hoping that will help.
Once again you've been there for me and I appreciate that, sincerely I do.
You've all got so much to contend with. Thank you from my heart.

Hello everyone.
I feel so very fortunate to be away on holiday at the moment in my favourite place in uk. Surrounded by sea and sand and beauty - so lucky.
I also feel fortunate to be in the company of such lovely brave friends.

I ,m not good at talking about the traumas I,ve gone through but just knowing I can if I need to helps me so much. When I joined Black Dog I felt so scared and full of worry and fear. It was a lifeline.

Annie - I wish you could be here with us. We sat with our picnic today and watched the beautiful surf - I thought of you. I know how much you love the sea.
Hope your GDs make up soon - they will listen to your advice I,m sure. They need each other so don’t think they,ll carry it on for too long.
HVDY- I love your posts . Hearing all about Mr Cooper and your family. Don’t stay away too much.
Whiff - you made me smile at your hedge adventure! What a courageous inspiring lady you are.
Wyllow- your posts are full of hope and wisdom
Shinamae- hello I remember you from a while back. Good idea to give the news a miss - it’s been relentless just lately hasn’t it.
I don’t buy newspapers any more as I used to get so cross reading them! Forget the housework just play the music and have a bit of a dance!!
Doodle- I hope things get better for your grandson soon. At the moment one of my dear Grandaughters is suffering with Health Anxiety - can’t bear seeing her so sad.
We are enjoying our walking this week the sea seems to energise my little legs!!
SweetPeaSue- believe in yourself. I know I always say this to you but you are so brave and such a nice person . Hope you get your call back soon and the pain subsides xx
Annie- I forgot to say I love that poem - Thank you.
VioletSky- I think like you sometimes I,m a 0 and sometimes a 10. I,m just not always very good at putting my worries into words. Can I have rich tea fingers to dunk?

Yes let’s bring back the Nonnie positives. I do hope she is all right.
My positive for today - no cooking tonight just Pizza!!!
EllieAnne,Joce, Nanny etc hope you are all having the best day you can.xx

Scaredycat The sea, yes walk, walk, walk, the sea is healing,
have a lovely holiday my love x

Thanks Annie

Thank you all for your kind words As I say, I'm fortunate not to have suffered a lot. I'm (90-95%) back to how I was before my stroke. I'm sorry so many of you are suffering. SweetPeaSue, I do understand what you mean about how you were mistreated whilst under anaesthetic. You must get well first of all, and then later think about whether to perhaps pursue a claim of medical negligence. I was very angry about what happened to me, but I'm lucky to have made this recovery, so had to let my anger go, it was driving me a bit mad. I hope that as the days and weeks go on, you will start to feel better and not have all that physical pain.

As you all know, so I don't pray. I do think good thoughts for everyone on BD. Anniebach I prefer Jaffa Cakes x

Love to all x
My positive for today - I saw my GDs after school and had dinner at the pub

Scaredycat Thank you. Have a lovely holiday. Perfect, by the sea with its ever-changing moods and its reliable, unchanging rhythm. X
HVDY You understand, I know, the vulnerability we feel when we are under a Dr's care and the fear. Thank you so much. Do drop by, your posts are lovely and we need to know about Mr Cooper. x

Mr Cooper, doing what he does best......

Is there anyone out there that can figure this out- cause no-one has managed to find an answer so far - I hope, just hope that this reaches someone who has the reason and solution

MY situation as brief as I can make it:

I just waiting to die now-
I've posted on GN and MN for years and some have messaged me and then all have abandoned me.
I keep looking for answers but I've almost given up.

My life in brief:
- never bonded with parents. when I was born they had too many horrible things to cope with and so I was just fed and watered - no emotional bonding
- became lonely and then sexual abused by a stranger one off
- parents realised I was lonely and had 2 more children. They bonded with my siblings but I was still outcast.
- siblings were pretty and I was plain. They didn't do well at school, I did.

- went to school and found I was clever - too clever and got bored- teachers would give me time fillers which were just as boring
- Left school with 10 GCE and A levels
- got a degree (hons)
- Got dreadfully bullied by senior managers and women who wanted my job - happened in several different jobs and ended up being a victim which ruined my career
- Eventually sacked from last career job on grounds of ill health
- struggled badly for money

- met my husband who was like me and I loved him more than life itself
- husband died suddenly with no warning in his early 50's.
- 3 months later my dad died again no warning. I wasn't even informed he was ill. I found out he had died by chance - found RIP on sisters facebook page along with photos of dad dying - sister was trying to capture his soul leaving his body - I was horrified by the lack of respect and dignity
- a beloved cousin she died no warning
- I turned for support to sister who was great for one month. She deemed that after 4 weeks I should be over my husbands death and she cut me off totally.
- My niece accused me of being toxic and manipulative. I spent money I didn't have to get private counselling as NHS couldn't help. This has run into thousands. The upshot was was that I was not a nasty person but I was in fact 'too nice' and I was being gaslighted.
- Other sister wrote me two horrible letters condemning every aspect of my life. The counsellors said this was down to jealousy.
- both sisters don't talk to each other - both accusing each other of being toxic.

- Friends dwindled over the years
- neighbours are nasty - ignore me even when they make eye contact - try to get their own way over everything and don't consider my feelings or views. I can't even have work people coming to the house without neighbours telling me ' I wouldn't use that company. use this company instead'. When I look into their suggestions the companies they recommended want silly money that I can't afford.

- Mum moved in with sister and I got banned from visiting - no reason given - I tried to find out but even with social services I couldn't find out why. Other sister was banned also.

- mum died of dementia - same as her mother- again I found out on Facebook.

- 3 beloved pets died. So in 4 years I had lost husband, mum and dad, cousin and 3 pets.

- I turned to doctor and because of Covid it was all phone appointments. Medication was increased,
- On anti depressants maximum dose, diabetic medication ( diabetes type II out of control and I get regularly harassed by diabetic review/nurse, medication for hypothyroid and on risk register because I have irregular heartbeat

- have NO support whatsoever. It's just me and my daughter who is in the same state as me
- turned to another cousin on Facebook because he lives hundreds of miles away who I haven't seen since I was a child and explained my situation. he helped for 2 years and then suddenly stopped. Cut off again.

- counsellor says this is how people are these days.

- Don't have any communication with anyone now except daughter.
- Christmas and birthdays are lonely affairs and I only have one card from daughter and visa versa

- I tried to find out why people treat me the way they do - I've asked direct, I've sent flowers to apologise if I have done anything wrong, I play down any thing that they could be jealous of, I try to be there if they need help etc. Counsellors say I've done nothing wrong

- NHS has proven to be a waste of time. The mental health service either lock me away in a unit or cut me off. The last appointment I had the doctor said I was self pitying and not suffering from depression and that there was nothing they could do. I have put in a formal complaint which has now gone to an ombudsman. The latter has dragged my case on for 2 years stating that they have to deal with the people who have died and the related family complaints first. If I complain further they will just ignore. So, I'm left trying to help myself by paying for private counselling which I cannot afford. I'm in limbo land.

- I spend my days sleeping and my nights crying and no -one helps me. I've tried joining clubs and activities but the people on them are either anti-social or nasty. I have persisted in trying new things but still the same response.

- Stopped listening to news on media. Accidentally saw report about yobbos ripping a live pigeon apart in Walsall and it confirmed just how horrible and low the human race is.

- Been told I have empathy, intelligence, loving and great personality but I clearly can't cope

- 2 ladies on GN befriended me but I didn't feel I wanted to meet up as I didn't really know them and was protecting myself. Both ladies cut me off.

- I've been told countless times that there is nothing wrong with me and yet I know there is - I shouldn't be crying all the time and spending all my 63 years worrying about my life.

result

I'm lonely
feel unsupported - no family, friends, anyone who really wants to help - even the church I have found has a hidden agenda - I've tried different types of church, religion etc.
NHS has severely let me down
I constantly get harassed by doctors about my diabetes but they don't address my mental health which is hindering my diabetes management.
not living just existing
I think things can't get worse but they do

Has anyone been through similar and did you find a solution. I haven't got many years left and I'd like them to be better.

I've tried the positivity thing, CBT etc nothing works.

Why me?

Forgot to say:

Thanks if you read and made sense of my diatribe above. I am very grateful and thankful for your persistence and time.

Seastar I don't have answers but you have my sympathy and love in your struggles. Thank you for sharing your story. Your counselling person sounded a nice person and helpful.

Sweetpeasue, yes I do know how incredible bowel pain can be, I've had 3 operations as the first one was undiagnosed peritonitis and they messed it all up, each time 999 calls et al.

But it DID get as sorted as it could be and like HVDY think your priority is to get things as physically sorted as possible. I DO believe these things will will get better as have been through it.

I'm not saying don't get angry, but to try and hold it off until you are stronger physically and can answer the Very Big Questions you pose? When I get angry my tummy clenches all up and ...well that might be playing a small part, just guessing.

Hello others here sorry I cant mention everyone, but I like to read everyone's stories....and oh my yes the seaside and beach strolls with the scents and wave noises... Unfortunately I live about as far from the sea as its possible to be in the UK tho I head for a little place called Robin Hoods Bay on the N Yorks coast when I can, but live near lovely high fells with car parks high up too.

HVDY I like Jaffa cakes too.? hope your girls are getting on well at school. Glad you are feeling better in yourself.
I wouldn’t mind being Mr Cooper ? he looks so cosy and contented. He’s very pretty but don’t tell him. I would want it to go to his head ?
Violetsky, yes well put. I love toffee too but it doesn’t like my teeth ?
Sweetpeasue I hope the counsellor can help you clarify your thoughts and help you going forward.
Hope you’re not still feeling sick.
Scaredycat how lovely your holiday sounds. I can just picture you walking by the sea. Hope the weather is good for you.
Sorry about your DGD. I hope she is coping. We never stop the worry do we. Take care and enjoy the rest of your trip.
Seastar I’m sorry you have lost a loving husband and others in your life. It doesn’t sound as though you got off to a very good start. You sound very low and depressed. I do think you need more help but not sure what to advise. Others on here will have a better idea.
It’s a sad fact but coping with people who have depression is really difficult. I had an aunt who was really depressed and nothing could cheer her or lift her spirits even for a second. My mother and father did stick by her and visited a couple of times a week but their visits left them completely drained.
Nothing they could say or do would lift her spirits. Perhaps some of those who you say have abandoned you have just felt they weren’t helping. Depression is one of the worst things to deal with both for those who suffer and tHose who are around them.
The way your parents and sisters have treated you isn’t your fault. Some people are just lacking in that way but I can understand how sad and hard it must have been for you to live with that.
I think you need more help from the GP. If you are on maximum medication then perhaps there are other avenues to explore. I hope things improve for you and am sending you a hug because I think you need it. Take care.

Doodle. Thanks, the girls are doing well. I hope your family are, too. x
SeaStar You have been through so much heartache, so much loss, in your life. You sound extremely depressed, and your loneliness and isolation will surely only make that worse. How about volunteer work somewhere? It would enable you to meet other people, give you a few hours of doing something, and it would benefit others too. You need friends, but nobody will come knocking at your door, you have to seek people out. Some people won't be interested, but don't give up. Find hobbies, go to an exercise class (I do aqua aerobics), take your daughter as well.

You could perhaps look at a self-referral for counselling. There's a waiting list, as with most things these days. Maybe you need to tackle one thing at a time. Some things in life cannot be changed - deaths, illness, etc., but we somehow have to learn to live with those things. I wish you well x

Doodle and HVDY you are so thoughtful for SeaStar.

I do like Mr Cooper, I had a Ms Cooper tiger long ago, just feel atm that things are too unsettled as regards future, where I'll live, to commit.

I forgot to share my encounter with a small tiger.

In the supermarket in the meds queue there was a small child in the trolley who looked at me then growled. Of course I knew a tiger when I saw one, so I growled back. This was continued awhile and then laughed with mum and gave me great pleasure, its not everyday you meet a 2 year old tiger.

SeaStar and all I had "thoughts" in the night which may or may not be useful.
I was recalling a counsellor once said to me that deep depression is "getting lost in loss" which seemed a good way of putting it.

I am aware from my own experience that when I am like that I find it very difficult to connect to people, and to be sure I don't feel they want to connect with me, and personally I have put people off tho I'm not saying you have for a moment.

For me undoubtedly a major trigger for long term depression is that I do not process grief or losses well at all. I cant even cry. I get stuck in the grief/losses/anger. Thats where I've needed help tho tbh I have spent on occasional over a year just repeating that I want to die etc etc. In the end something clicked or I worked through it enough to lift me out, but that bit is different for us all. However I have learnt to "bear" a lot more and to use what I have learnt to be in an overall better space.

with your long history of losses its not surprising you find yourself as you do xx

Seastar I'm really sorry for the many things you've been through in life. I have to say, all on here are just ordinary people, going through or have been through some pretty 'bad stuff' in life and may have needed medication to cope with the MH fallout. We're not qualified experts and if you need to see a Dr about severe depression you will need to go back and seek help there. From all your problems it's unlikely anyone will have a magical answer or one solution that you're looking for. It must have been so hard your husband dying so young. In fact many things you've mentioned are really awful and I'm sorry you've had to face so much. I must say though, that from what I know of life that we are not unique in experiencing so much truly bad stuff. Very few of us are 'the lucky ones' I think that's the most important thing I could say to you and to help you. We're all in this together.
However hard things are for us, there'll be someone out there who's going through even worse.
But to get back to yourself--- how wonderful to achieved what you already have. Not many with the difficulties you've had could have achieved your academic qualifications. I don't think, from what you've mentioned there's anything 'wrong' with you. I think it may be very useful to consider counselling again. I know there can be long waits but it may help you change the mindset you have about everyone else.
I'm sorry, I haven't a magic wand. Some lovely posts from HVDY and DOODLE for you. I too hope you can get some help for your issues.
Doodle Hope you're OK today. Was up in night feeling a bit sick but pain not too bad. I have got an infection Dr said yesterday in THAT area so gave me antibiotics. 15 mins after taking 1st dose came over violently sick and was sick for half n hr repeatedly. Had to call surgery again and given different antibiotics, said it was a medication I was allergic to and put it on my notes. Nausea now due to infection I think. Never rains.....
Lovely post to Seastar. Ditto.. Mr Cooper!
HVDY Oh I loved Mr Coope's photo! Confession---never dared to say.. I don't really like cats. BUT my mind has been changed. Mr Cooper's really adorable. Hope you're OK today
Wyllow3 Thanks for sharing your tiger encounter it was so amusing.
Er, you can't be cursed with er, inhibitions? Haha. Loved to have seen the encounter.

Hope everyone has good day.

Hi all x

seastar no one here is medically qualified so we can only advise that anyone in such distress should speak to their G.P. We cannot give a solution, you need help in learning to trust my love, you are in deep emotional pain, please seek medical
help and advice x

HVDY Mr.Cooper has a fan club here x I loved the two cats we had and the rabbits, Guinea pigs, hamsters and tortoise , but dogs have always been part of my life. Walked, played, cuddled
and cried into their coats.

Wyllow How lovely to have met a little tiger x

I am exhausted after an evening session with my granddaughters, definitely two truths.

How is everyone?

So much pain and sadness in these posts. It’s so important to have a safe place to share.
I can’t always remember who posted what but I am very grateful for supermarket cafes too. I’ve been sitting in our local Morrisons this morning reading my book and drinking tea. I do this often because I can’t stay at home. Have another local cafe I use too if I am out walking.
I’ve just had to look up quakers and from what I read they are Christian without the rituals but I might have got that wrong.
Annie hope your gds sort out their differences.

Hi Ellie Anne Quakers were one of the non-conformist Christian groups that split from the C of E in the 17c. But we have never had creed or priests. We believe that the spiritual side within us is the Light, The Light is the Light of compassionate love: we have quiet meetings in a circle, and now many Quakers are open to ideas from other religions. Lots on google. (btw, I often mix with others who have a creed or are humanists but dont feel so different about compassionate love being at the heart of how we at least try to conduct ourselves. (work in progress).

It was me on supermarket coffee drinking! Glad you like your familiar supermarket cafe or popping in other places. We need people, don't we? The little "rather cold, isn't it?" and the "nice to have a sit downs" etc are actually significant - it's "I see you, Hear you".

(Not keen on "how are you's" from people who don't actually meant at all!)

I had a lousy night because I've pulled my neck and shoulders badly.... and had to do far too much.... when I'm supposed to be driving oop north tomorrow to see Grandchildren. But Saturday will do if it's not a great idea tomorrow. See if a spell in bed the rest of the day does the trick.

Wyllow3 Sorry I missed your last post and didn't want you to think I didn't care. (If anyone else feels a bit sensitive about me not responding at times, it takes me some time to text.)
This last year must have been so awful and dark for you. I'm sorry you've had so much suffering. You're so right about deep depression. We start to isolate ourselves from others.
Anniebach I'm so pleased you saw your granddaughters even though it proved to be challenging! Sure they will have appreciated your refereeing. You must be pleased that you were able to help.
EllieAnnI appreciate supermarket cafes too. You can feel more anonymous.

Just to post something positive, I've had a good day so far(touch wood). Didn't feel like going into public place after counselling but went to supermarket for a coffee(Costa franchise). They have the most amazing Maple Muffins! I know what Whiff meant about looking for the smallest positives. Plus bumped into a lovely gentleman that used to go to our book group. We had a lovely chat and I would have missed that had I not gone in. Knew he'd had very hard time and we both benefited I think.

Hope everyone is well. Thought of you today Whiff. Hope you are a little better.

Wyllow off topic, when I was at Capel Celyn in early 60’s campaigning against the flooding of the valley, there was a farm which had been A Quaker Meeting House since 17th
century , Quakers had fled Pennsylvania , we failed to save the
valley, Liverpool apologised 40 years later !

Doodle- my GD has 2 children so sometimes it’s not easy as she wants to hide it from them . The trouble is with HA once one problem is ‘solved’ another will pop up to take its place- as I know very well. I deal ok with mine but sad to see her so worried.
Hope you and DH are getting on with your walks this week and not so achey.
HVDY- Mr Cooper really does have quite a fan club- he’s so cuddly looking.Glad your GDS are getting on well .
Wyllow- my Great Grandson loves tigers you would have made him laugh.
I,m like you I can’t cry but inside my heart is breaking. I love life though despite the dreadful things that have happened and want to squeeze the last drops out. Anxiety does it’s best to spoil it so one day at a time.
I hope your pain eases so you can drive safely to see your grandchildren. I expect they are looking forward to seeing you.
SweetPeaSue- I hope that nasty infection clears up soon and the nausea passes. As you say it never rains!!! You too are now a fully paid up member of the MrC. Fan club!
SeaStar- so much pain and sorrow. All of us her have had different stress and pain but can only give you love and support as your experiences are yours alone. I too think you should contact your GP. It would be good if you could perhaps see one you haven’t seen before so you start with a clean slate.
Sending a hug.
Annie- I am sure your Grandaughters have now been given food for thought and have benefitted from your wisdom and love. No wonder you feel wrung out now.
How is the food situation now ? Have you had to go back to square one?
EllieAnne- do you sometimes have someone to go out for coffee with? Sometimes though a chance encounter can brighten your day and new friendships start. I hope so for you.
Love to all BDG

Scaredy-cat I am fortunate to have friends. I meet 2 in same supermarket cafe every Friday and meet other folk from time to time. But some of the people who I feel have been put in my life for a reason are a bit difficult so I try to limit seeing them. One in particular can upset me very easily and a couple of weeks ago caused upset for me and another lady. We go to the same church so I can’t cut her off completely.
I’m off to choir now. Practicing Christmas songs!!!

Mr Cooper says "Meow Meow purr" to all you lovely ladies on BD. He's just been whining to my husband, then son, then me - it's a good job I usually know what he's whining about. He wanted some milk (no, he shouldn't have it but he's an old man and I can't deny him that little pleasure. He's happy again now .

Anniebach Glad you saw your GDs even if it was a bit difficult
SweetPeaSue I hope your new antibiotics make you feel better soon
Wyllow Love the tiger tale. Hope your neck is ok and that you manage to see your GC tomorrow.
EllieAnne. I love sitting in cafes and doing a bit of people-watching. Carols?? It's September [grin}
Doodle I hope you and your husband are still having a walk. It's been raining here this afternoon.
ScaredyCat I hope you've been ok today
SeaSalt Please try to see a GP, perhaps get a change of medication? I take Mirtazapine (45mg) and have been much better on them.

I hope everyone on BD has had a decent day. I took my sister-in-law to my day centre again today. She ate her lunch and she said she enjoyed the day. It gives my brother a break, too. I took her to their house, stayed 3 hours, picked up Son1 then went to Sainsbury's (he wanted some things) and I bought some cans of SIREN Nitro breakfast stout - oh my goodness, it's gorgeous! It's chocolatey. Lovely stuff . x