Black Dog 22

Oh EllieAnne that's all horrible. I do feel for you. I know it's not the answer, but some breaks away on your own I feel would help.

Doodle I hope you're feeling a little better. Maybe a bath will relax your muscles.
Did you enjoy the art class? We always stop at 3pm for coffee and chat. Both my classes are like this. I think a class has to be sociable too. It doesn't matter how much or little you achieve.
I think we need to forgive ourselves. Too much time to think about the past. Unless we were deliberately bad we did our best as parents. Your children obviously care for you too.

Nadateturbe You are so right about forgiving ourselves for mistakes made and when our AC have children of their own and they are tested with difficult behaviours, I think then they should be able to understand. A child might believe his/her parents are perfect ,but there usually comes a time when the child is growing and notices all the flaws. It's life and forgiveness is the key. (Unless, as you say, someone is deliberately bad). I think I'd have had a much happier life if I'd forgiven myself certain things. We are so much kinder to others than we are to ourselves. I have lately come to believe that focusing on all our own shortfalls ( which I somehow thought I should do to be forgiven) is very unhealthy.
EllieAnne You are good enough- please believe that. You are good enough. I'm so sorry you are so unhappy. I smacked occasionally when I felt I was overwhelmed with helplessness to control my child's behaviour. I know I fell short and have, like others here apologised for certain times. We have to forgive ourselves ,it doesn't do anyone any good to be constantly self punishing. Not saying this is you EllieAnne- I mean myself now. You are a good mother and kind friend.
Doodle I so feel for you and don't know what to say. The grieving and missing your other half so much must be impossible to bear and it's so cruel. I don't understand this price for loving but can't imagine a life without love . I'm so sorry. I hope you have a lovely photo that you keep near and close at all times. I hear that yearning in your posts and feel helpless but I pray every day for you. I really hope your art classes help.Another hug .
HVDY It's awful having to take tablets but I hope you can find the right dose to give you some relief. Trapped nerves are excruciating and can't show on xrays. I hope the aqua-aerobics today have been a distraction and you've enjoyed the company.
My DH doesn't nap during the day lately, though he used to. He's been waking during the night for hrs - think it's def the steroids. Thought his face looked quite puffy today. Hope your own DH gets sorted soon - when is his appt?
Scaredycat Oh you have a fox too - he sounds quite a problem. You made me laugh the way you described slugs? They're def disgusting. There was a thread on GN about them and the way some are disposed of is blood curdling!
Luckily, we seem to have a hedgehog visitor. We've found hedgehog poo on the grass and path the last 3 mornings. Think it's feasting on them as we've not seen one lately.
Candy Hope you're OK and not still having the headaches.
Wyllow Hope you've been a little better today. Sending live and a hug.

Been to book group today. Came out a little earlier and rang DH while there to see if he was OK. I appreciate all your suggestions but he won't hear of me contacting consultant. It makes me wonder if I could have made things worse before by insisting it was GCA mths ago. That GP knew about my finding out stuff that Dr's withheld and also my insisting I have Interstitial Cystitis when other Urologist said I didn't and sent me to Pain Management instead saying I'd Chronic Pelvic Pain. I told GP I didn't believe that and why and went to different Urologist.
Think the GP must have thought I was looking things up too much and worrying my DH had GCA. The GP is quite young and not as experienced as others. He's def got it wrong.
Anyway my DH is quiet and he doesn't want me to ' rock the boat' by pushing any further. Says to wait till appt on 2nd July.
What can I do. He's adamant. If he gets vision problem I'll be forcing him to A&E or walk in clinic. Carrying around more steroid med in case- shouldn't have to play Dr's!

Hope all have a peaceful night

Doodle Your grief is still new, and of course you will cry every so often. I remember when my mum died, I use to sometimes start crying in the middle of Asda or anywhere. Let your feelings out. I've never been one to have lots of friends - I can count on one hand the number of true friends I've got (but they are friends, not Facebook "friends").

EllieAnne My husband would cheerfully go all day without talking. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything - I have to arrange things. Would your husband go out with you if you asked him? It just seems so sad, 2 people living together but having such a distant relationship.

SweetpeaSue Prednisolone will cause the "moon face". Is your husband taking them in the morning? I once took them at night and was awake until 3am every day that week. You can't force him to ring anyone. He knows how he feels, and if he says he'll wait until July 2nd, there's nothing you an do, unles he was to get very much worse. We've got 2 hedgehogs - they were together on the patio one night. I believe they're endangered, or at least are scarce.

I've decided to try to keep moving as much as I can (the pain is bad but I'm taking Paracetamol in between the Gabapentin) so I went to Aldi - how exciting - got a few things we didn't really need, and a pack of 2 strawberry tarts. Nice. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

Sorry, I didn't get back in to chat to anyone else, family things took over.
Hope you all have a peaceful night.xx

HVDY Thankyou. DH is taking his meds on a morning. You understand what side effects steroids have. I know the sooner DH is on the right dose for GCA the sooner he can be tailored off them. Thing is he's been on them so long, nearly a Yr for Polymyalgia, and he's not being monitored properly.
I do know the Nice Guidelines say 40 to 60mg for a month for GCA then it decreases. My DH needed more than 15mg recommended for beginning of Polymyalgia. Had to have 20mg . He needs to be monitored by Rheumatologist, but isn't happening.
Hope you enjoyed the strawberry tarts. Life is so made more bearable with the small things that help us .
Nadateturbe Such lovely caring posts to everyone. No need for apologies.

Sorry got just too tired to post although I have read people's days.
Yes, lots of lovely caring posts.

EllieAnne hello and isolation can bring these thoughts on. I know my emotions aren't "right" judgments of myself, I just cant stop them - don care to say a lot more but EllieAnne some counselling?

Night night all BD's

nadateturbe Sorry, didn't reply to you. Thank you, no, not much help when the children were growing up - no internet distractions/help, couldn't afford to take them to cafes etc. Both my boys had health problems, so back and forth to the hospital and doctor a lot. I found those years hard and very lonely. We got through it, and I'm so proud of the way they've turned out. How was your art class? What did you paint or draw?

Hi all. Went to a dermatologist yesterday as I have skin damage on my nose from when we used to ski in the days before lathering on cream!! Got some cream to remove the lesions in case they get worrying. Before the ADs I would have checked my face every 10 minutes now can just get on with it. I,m just so thankful every day to feel more able to cope.

EllieAnne- oh you sound so sad and you are punishing yourself so harshly. Like all,of us you have done the best you can for your family and to me sound a very caring ,loving Mum. It is such a shame you cannot find any common ground with your DH - you have 3 lovely children together. He doesn’t make it easy for you though
As for dementia- HVDY described so well the daft forgettings that we all do. You are just unhappy and have worn yourself out overthinking and worrying. I think that strange feeling you had in the kitchen was because you are exhausted and maybe just dropped off for a second.
Takes care x
Nadateturbe- I too read a FB group for AF but often all it does is remind you of things that you,d rather not know or want to forget!!
Good you got to Art - what are you doing now? Bluebottles belong with slugs - in the bin!!
You write such kind posts to everyone.
Doodle- Hope you are able to keep on with the Class. I think it depends a bit on whether they take it a bit too seriously - it’s for,enjoyment and maybe learning a bit. Our coffee breaks got longer and longer as friendships grew!!
You are wise to not walk too much before you have your lung treatment. Now the sun has arrived perhaps you can walk to the river and sit and watch the world go by. Your DH will be there right beside you and so proud of you.
Letting the tears flow will do you good even though it is so exhausting mentally and physically. I didn’t and paid for it later in life.
As always sending love and friendship.
SweetPeaSue- hope you managed to enjoy the book club as much as you could but it must be so difficult when the worry of DH is always there.
You have no need to think you could have done things differently as you have been tireless in your efforts to get the best for DH and also look after yourself . You are so close that you know him so well that once he’s dug his heels in he won’t budge- but you’re right straight to A and E if his vision becomes a problem.
Hope you,ve been able to enjoy the sunshine today.
HVDY- sorry your DH may have parathyroid problems. When my DH had his thyroid removed because of cancer unfortunately all 4 of his parathyroid glands were wiped out.
He is often tired and always feels hot as his “ thermostat” doesn’t work very well.
Your pain sounds dreadful- take it easy if you go to AA but just being in the water should help you.
We don’t feed the fox as he’s so naughty we don’t encourage him. We,ve hardly seen him but he is a bad boy. I have a photo of him with a cat in our garden so he’s not all bad!
You’re right getting old is pants.
Wyllow- it must be bittersweet to see the hills but I hope in time you will be able to enjoy them again.
Any news of the extra help yet?
Yes you’re right I very much wished that I lived nearer my Sister.
Zakouma- how are you today?
Candy,Whiff,Allsorts,Nanny and all posters and readers wishing you a day with bright moments.

I can't post today, just saying hello, hair trim time and son coming for tea. I will be so tired. 😴
Hope everyone is OK. Sending hugs Doodle.

ScaredyCat Are the things you've got called Rodent Ulcers? My dad had those, in his 70s, from being abroad such a lot during the war. He had them successfully removed, without any bother. In what way is your fox "naughty"? I know they aren't a threat to cats - we used to have a visiting fox many years ago, and she never bothered our cats at all (I know it was a she because she brought her cubs once)

nadateturbe Hope you have a nice visit from your son. What are you going to have?

Wyllow3, Whiff,*Doodle*,*EllieAnne*, SweetpeaSue and ALL BDers - hope you're all ok. Going to Son1's for tea, It's his eldest girl's birthday (13), so he's doing a BBQ. The rest of the family will be there, too. Love to all x

HVDY- hi!
My mr Fox demolished our little fountain - but we managed to mend it and hide broken bits! He digs up bulbs etc whenever he can. He takes the bird feeders and puts them where he fancies. Poos on our postage stamp grass. And generally is a bit of a pain. We have a very small garden but he comes through the hedge. I still think foxes are lovely though
just wish he,d stay at home.

I think the blemishes are called something like solar keratosis . I got really burnt on my nose when I was in my early forties so have to be careful. Your poor Dad bet his was a nuisance for him.
Enjoy the BBQ hope it’s as nice where you are as it is here today. Happy Birthday to your GD.

Ellie Anne it sounds as though your son has been difficult all his life. That’s not down to you. Some people are just like that. You have done your best but we can’t control how others behave. Such a sad situation with your DH. You must be very lonely. Wish something would help.
nadateturbe I did enjoy art class thank you. Last week not so much but this week was much better. I get absorbed and forget things for a while.
Have a lovely time with your son.
Sweetpeasue that’s so kind of you. It’s a loss you can only understand if you’ve been through it. It is far worse than I ever imagined. However, today so far, I’ve had a reasonable day. Some days are good others not so good.
Of course you’re worried about your DH. I bet that appointment can’t come soon enough. You are doing all you can. Glad you enjoyed book group.
HVDY good thing you managed to get out for a bit today, hope the strawberry tarts cheer you up. The pain must be really bad.
Scaredycat I’m so pleased the ADs are having a positive benefit for you. Hope the cream for your nose helps. We didn’t really think about these things years ago did we.
Art class was much better today. More chatty and the subject was easier, I enjoyed it,
That little fox bust be quite a mischief.
Wyllow hoping each day gets a little better for you.

Doodle Pleased you've had a reasonable day though I think "reasonable ' must still be pretty bad . Started this not knowing what to say- still don't. Just feel for you so much Doodle. Will pray you can sleep well tonight in order to have strength for the coming day. Huge hug
X

ScaredyCat What a little sod . He's obviously quite playful. I hope the cream you've been prescribed helps with your nose. ADs certainly do take the edge off things, don't they. The BBQ was lovely, thanks. GD1 was very pleased with all her presents. Son2 and his family were there. We all fussed over baby, and the kids all played nicely together. Lucky to have those family times. It's been warm here today but overcast.

Doodle Glad the art class was good. What was the subject? How many people go? My pain was awful when walking just from the car, around the shoe shop and Asda a bit, but it's been ok since as I've sat down all day (can't keep doing that though). Cake always cheers me up! I think you're very brave and very caring. I hope you sleep alright tonight.

Hope ALL BDers have a good night' sleep x

I’m glad you got the cream Scaredycat and to know less worrying than before.

People here write such kind words! What Scaredycat wrote EllieAnne.

HVDY sorry to hear of your continuing pain.
Glad the BBQ was good and family times too - you are very good at being at the heart of the family.

Wave to a tired nadateturbe and Swetpeasue and of course BD’s not in today,
Doodle hugs in your grief.

I went for a walk in the park with psychologist: glad I got the exercise, but mood and health wise feel often at end of short tether. Long hours to pass in very low mood state indeed with little desire to “do” anything as no motivation.
The psychiatrist in the unit is off sick, (knock on effect on psychologist and services aren’t up to giving me enough help at all.
I dont blame them: I understand resources, but constantly feel abandoned - it’s something I cant shake off. The paid carer thing maybe next week to start. M Health stuff is the pits and my physical health isnt good just don’t want to add that in here. If I could just arrange a haircut, I look like a scarecrow.

Night night BD’s xx present and reading.

Wyllow3 It's good that you managed to get out for a walk and get a bit of fresh air yesterday. I can't say I know anything about MH funding or anything, but I've heard that it's not good. Could you Google mobile hairdressers in you area and get someone to come and do your hair? I hope the paid carer turns up and is of help to you. Will that be once a week or daily?

It's a lovely morning. I'm going to meet my brother for a pub lunch - he hasn't been to my house for 2 years, never rings me, said a week ago he hates talking on the 'phone (after I'd rang him every other day for a fortnight) and doesn't want to go to a pub halfway between us (we're 8 miles apart) so I'll see him at a pub 1 mile from him. That's my moan over with! Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day today x

Wyllow, I don't know if finances will allow, but a good mobile hairdresser might lift your spirits a little.

Again it comes down to funds but could you pay for some help of some kind? Sadly, thats the way of the world.

Hope BD folk are OK. Its a funny thing, a fine day, Can provoke all sorts of emotions.

It’s cold here zakouma and the have no motivation to walk or garden.

EllieAnne Sorry you're having cold weather, hope it warms up over the weekend. It's 24 degrees here. I've just noticed something in the birdbath - a squirrel, lying down flat out (it's fine, I had a look). It must be feeling too warm.

Met brother for lunch - we paid, he didn't even offer to buy a drink - and chatted for 2 hours. Doubt he'll bother with any suggestions I made about him joining somewhere or reconnecting with old friends, but I tried.

Scaredycat Glad you now have some cream from Dermatologist. It will help take away worry about the lesions though as you say the ADs are a bonus. I've found they have really helped too and it's as if I've stepped out into the light. Doesn't stop the depth of feelings I get which goes to show how good they can be as I was concerned they'd sort of make me numb. You are so perceptive and show such understanding (Wyllow's right) and your words to everyone are lovely. Such love for Doodle too. Thankyou, I'm really trying to help DH (who is also 'trying' but love him so much). Suggested he could pass on that the Prednisone strength not working, through secretary to consultant, but we'll see. Sometimes I have to 'plant a seed' in his head early then let it grow a bit until he comes round ( makes his own mind up!) 🤭 Hope you've had a good day today.

EllieAnne Shame its cold there. We've had so much cold weather here but yesterday and today seems like summer has arrived. Might you get to church tomorrow and meet friends? I wish I could say something to help. I think , like others, that you are so worn down that your mind is playing tricks and having memory lapses rather than it being Dementia.
HVDY It's so hot here today. Oh that poor little squirrel! It must have been too active in the heat and has just flagged out in the water.It would have given me a scare ,poor blighter.
Oh your DB is so hard to help. You do your best and that's good but you must feel quite rejected at times. So sorry.

SweetpeaSue I think a lot of men are like that, aren't they? about planting an idea and then waiting for them to act upon it in their own time. My husband is the same. My brother is like my dad - argues with people, is extremely tacless/unaware/uncaring about anyone's feelings when he says/does things (Not me, I'm used to him) and so alienates himself/others. He isn't very likeable because of it, yet isn't a horrible person (he was a very good care worker for a large organisation, years ago). I was concerned about the squirrel, because some years ago, we'd left a very large padding pool full of water (DH refused to empty it one day) and a squirrel got in and drowned . I found it. How is your husband today? How are you feeling?