Transitioning loved one

Isn’t it strange how these topics come up , just when you’ve had some recent experience.

I was out with my Dd last week when we heard someone calling her name. As she turned, a man came up to her and they had a big hug. Dd intoroduced me to him and said they had been at school together. After a longish chat , we went our separate ways. ‘Do you remember S from school, mum ‘. Vaguely, I said .
Well that’s her…. He’s now T .

Dd had known she’d transitioned and seen his ‘journey’ on Facebook, so she wasn’t shocked…… I was! 😳.

Transitioning may not have been an option, but there were always males & females who lived out there lives as far as possible as the opposite sex to that which they were born. "Gentleman Jack" was based on a real person & that was 150 years ago. & I remember a man who lived & dressed as a women from when I was very young.

Yes I understand that vivaldi.
But radical, irreversible surgery to augment the ‘new me’ is on another level entirely, I think.

I think parents in this position should be as honest as possible; tell them it is their decision and you will always love them, but that it concerns you and makes but it makes you sad.
I say this because I have friends who have had children making life-changing decisions (admittedly not as serious as this) who have demanded their parents' approval but when they have gone ahead, then discovered things are not what they expected, they have turned on their parents and blamed them.
It is important to be honest; this 'be happy for me' is a two edged sword.

Not everyone goes for the full surgery immediately some not at all.
As an HCP you can help by getting them to choose wisely the medical and surgical teams they will go to and also to still have the appropriate screening (cervical smears, breast screening, aortic aneurysm) as they may get removed from lists and may be at higher risks of conditions because of the hormones.

I meant me being an HCP and looking from that point of view

As always, you're very brave to share your feelings especially on something controversial, and yes, they do matter. You love her and are clearly willing to do all that you can to support and be there for her. But most of us can see that with medical plans as radical and irreversible as this, huge doubts will creep in until you are able to see the changes that she seeks and how much of a difference her 'new' body will make to her mental health and her life.

If you can bear it, I would try to discuss it with her - not to try to persuade her against it but so that you have a better picture of how she really feels and some of the things which have led to this decision. Talking together will also allow you to become accustomed to something that's possibly quite an alien concept. It seems that this has been a long time coming and with her history of gender dysphoria and all the confusion and desperate unhappiness, it can't be a real surprise to anyone in the family that this is never just going to go away - without causing further serious problems in her life.

She must have thought so much about this and she must be so certain that this is what she wants. Maybe you will feel slightly better once you know just how committed she is. It's to be hoped that not only will she be followed and monitored and carefully assessed through a very long process, but regularly before each stage by psychiatrists specialising in gender reassignment. Obviously this is no flash -in- the- pan decision nor would it be allowed to be if all the necessary mental and physical health professionals are involved and she knows the full extent of what will be happening to her.

Like you, I would be so sad and sometimes quite desperate if this was happening to a much loved young person in my family. What might seem unnecessary surgery and all sorts of interventions on someone we love, someone that would outwardly appear to be just fine, is a horrible thought, but so is her feeling condemned to a very unhappy life in a body that continues to feel 'wrong'.

I was quite privileged to follow a young health professional whom I visited regularly when I lived in England. She was so very good at what she did and patients clamoured for appointments. We used to talk throughout my treatments and she would share her life plans. Then she told me what was going to happen, so I wasn't surprised or shocked when I saw her again with a slightly different hairstyle and a lot of facial stubble. She had gone to hell and back over many years of childhood, adolescence and her 20's, and through her training, just feeling that she'd never fit into society, never settle with a partner etc., I was astonished at her courage but it seems she had already had 'endless' counselling, endless support and advice and for each stage, careful monitoring and wonderful people to talk to.

It was amazing that over a long time (a couple of years at least), various surgeries and lots of recovery time, she stayed positive, was - she said - so happy to be on such a journey and, incredibly, never lost a single patient! She didn't bare her soul to all but not a single person commented on her changing appearance or even when she changed to a male first name!

The last I heard he had a partner, a nice home, a successful practice and a very busy diary of appointments, a great social life and is truly happy and settled. I wish the same happiness for your relative, her family and you.

Thank you for your thoughtful post Grandmafrench - all I can do is hope that the chosen path works out for them, and that those advising them have been clear about what can be hoped for. From talking with them/her I am concerned that this is not the case. Previous response to disappointment has been life-threatening. It is worrying.

🤞💐💐💐

Luckygirl you are going through hell quite sadly as I think the neurodivergence plays a huge role in all this. I won’t say more on this thread as this is your journey, not mine. All I can say is that I truly and sincerely hope that things work out in time better than you fear. All the very best from me dear lady.
x

My dear cousin Transition from male to Female around 15 years ago.
I was exceptionally close to him, he was even my Sons Godfather.

I knew his secret, as he told me years before when we were in our early 20's he felt he was in the wrong body.
I didn't know how to feel after he told me , but he was my dear friend and cousin I supported him and kept his secret.

Jump forward many years after, after a lot of counselling, and surgery some of which he paid for, he became She. Luckily his parents and sister's family took time but accepted the change, I was the only other family member to know.
Everything had to change, from passport, NI Birth certificate it was all official.
She was a kind gentle soul, we would do Lunch, people assumed she was my sister.

Unfortunately, 4 years ago she became very ill and passed away at 69 years old but her dream was fulfilled.

She had loads of friends with folk who cared for her, no sigma.
Love and support they are still the same inside, well that was my personal experience, do miss her.

I know nothing about this really other than what I read in the news. However I feel very sorry for these people who must be in real torment to undergo what they are proposing. Sadness, too, for the affected family members. I hope they get the correct support and advice.

What would I do in similar circumstances I can’t pretend to know. My thoughts are with the OP and her family.

seventhfloorregular

Not everyone goes for the full surgery immediately some not at all.
As an HCP you can help by getting them to choose wisely the medical and surgical teams they will go to and also to still have the appropriate screening (cervical smears, breast screening, aortic aneurysm) as they may get removed from lists and may be at higher risks of conditions because of the hormones.

That’s vey good advice.

I have no experience of this Luckygirl but just want to send a 🤗 to you and best wishes to your grandchild. I do hope she has had all the appropriate help she needs before making this decision and feels totally comfortable with it.

They will still be the beautiful person you love, however they feel they need to be to make themselves feel at peace with themselves.

Luckygirl, I am a similar position. A Grandchild, now aged 21 years old, has been, more or less, living as male since they were 16 years of age. No surgery as yet (thank goodness), they have deliberately put on a lot weight (which worries me as it is obviously unhealthy),, This has been done to help disguise their rather large breasts -which they bind.
They have good family support, we all just want them to be happy - but it is a worry as if they along the surgical route, there is no turning back.

What I don’t understand about people who transition is why they dress so inappropriately. Especially in male to female.
I see several regularly and they wear silky shift dresses in the daytime or clothes that just draw attention to them like mini skirts and tight tops.

From what I understand they want to be accepted and fit in but they seem to want to stand out instead.

Primrose, that is what puzzles me. Of all the sorts of woman, why choose to transition to a posturing bimbo.
One answer may be that the transwoman concerned has missed out on this rather silly stage of adolescence.

MayBee70. Me too .I had some body dysmorphia . Adolescents need to find their peer group , and my breasts grew when I was ten. I felt abnormal. At boarding school I was teased by other girls , and my mother did not teach me to be proud of my young woman's body.
I fear that some transitioning people do so for reasons of fashionable body dysmorphia, just as you describe it.
I am no psychiatrist , and I don't hope to understand what it feels like for someone else to want to transition. At the very least this includes the expense of new apparel, and at the most an expensive and painful surgical operation.
Luckygirl's young relative can't have had body dysmorphia surely, as she was and still is a very beautiful human being.

I think from some of the stories I have listened to that attractive women are using transition to escape attention, or Male attention, which as a young person and particularly in these days of social media and porn, can be terrifying. Each person is individual obviously so I dont want to make generalisations.

Transitioning young persons frequently need extra support from the welfare services. This is because their families throw them out and they become homeless. (Not every family is as kind as the people who write to Gransnet!)
If Gransnet supported some special charity of its own, housing for transitioning young people could be a very appropriate choice.

There actually is such a charity already functioning, and it would be great if Grans took it to their corporate bosom!

Galaxy, you may be on to something .

Lad culture and macho culture are potentially dangerous to both men and women. So transitioning may be using sex change to escape from identifying with the sex they were allotted at birth.

I have just finished listening to the entire Tortoise productions podcast about the Tavistock clinic. It made for challenging listening at times but as usual from this team it was excellent, intelligent and rational journalism about a very sensitive subject.

If you are concerned about these issues, as I am, I strongly recommend. I got it on BBC Sounds.

I found it an emotional and enlightening listen which only confirms for me something I say over and over, that no one seems to care about our children anymore...

I know of two people who have done this. One was a female young person who was always unhappy for as long as they could remember in school . Myself and my colleague , both adolescent counsellors supported her on transistioning to be male . He now has a male partner ( so is gay) and is super happy. He sent me a photo of them both you can see the relaxed happiness of both of them in the photo.

Another was a colleague I volunteered with who went from male to female as an older adult . She found a lot of support from friends and was also happy. For some people the change is essential for their MH.

I understand your worry about their vulnerability and hope they are getting emotional as well as medical help

Luckygirl, I hope that you can overcome your understandable anxieties and come to terms with the new reality.
I have posted before about my late, much missed wonderful former GP, who transitioned from male to female over half a century ago.
She continued to live with her wife and children and was completely accepted as the person she was.
And, Primrose, her clothing of choice was tweed skirts and twinset.

The only good thing about this is that she is already a fully grown adult and so won't be taking puberty blockers which cause irreversible damage by suppressing growth and development. Her bones should already be strong, although suppressing oestrogen effectively brings on early menopause so there's the risk of osteoporosis.