Black Dogs 28

SweetpeaSue Thank you. What a lovely thing to say. I just wish I hadn't let myself get so damned fat in the first place.

Hi all
Doodle- we had a lovely lunch thank you. The biggest Yorkshire Puds I,ve ever seen😀So nice when all the generations are together.
Maybe be there are Craft holidays that would be nice.
Oh how the loneliness is magnified after a busy day. I can imagine you having a chat and telling DH about your day. He,ll always be there listening and feel so very proud of you.
Yes the meds are there to help so we must be mindful of our vulnerability as Wyllow says.
HVDY- it was nice especially to get a hug and chat with GGD - soon to be a teenager and not always easy. We must seem like ancient monuments.
Glad to hear that the abscess is on its way out- did I understand correctly that they can pop up anywhere?
Hope you,ve got out today- it’s not raining here and fairly mild.
Yes your weight loss is astonishing- I,m so full of admiration for your perseverance and will power.
EllieAnne- it sounds like your friend has been suffering from stress so was probably not thinking straight when she wrote the text. It was good that you cleared the air with her now you can let it go- she needs you.
SweetPeaSue. It’s not too bad getting local family together but to get everyone together would be a mammoth task. We’re so spread out.
I can understand your ongoing concerns re the angina pain but feel it is still early days for your DH. The nurse was on the ball to call him - try and trust her words. As Doodle said hopefully with DH permission you could speak to her in a week or so if you are still feeling so worried.
Doodle- you are right. Acceptance of what leaf has dealt us is the way to go but not easy as great loss changes our world forever.
I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go to your little Art Group if you are up to it. It’s easy to get into a habit of avoidance isn’t it.
The”Let Down” effect makes such a lot of sense. It’s every bit as physical as it is mental. Both your body and your brain are still recovering from what has been a very stressful time.
Now it’s time to do the things you enjoy and spend time with people you feel at ease with- you,ll be fine
Nadateturbe Hope today is being kind to you.
Allsorts,Candy, and all our friends wishing you a peaceful day

ScaredyCat With this condition, the abscesses occur where skin meets skin - armpits, groin, etc. I used to get them in one armpit but not the other. In my case, they usually stay under the skin but get very large (2-3ins) and painful. Your family members are all lucky to have you. You always seem so upbeat and cheerful, despite the sadness you've experienced. I admire your attitude. Been to Zumba Gold this morning. It's slower than the Zumba I used to do, but it was good.

Wyllow Thankyou for the idea of photographing DHs work. As he said , his work doesnt usually portray his own feelings ,rather he copies pictures or has thought up a landscape and painted that though not abstract stuff.
Your post went very deep and stirred up so much but I cant figure out how to answer simply. Sorry you're not sleeping well and glad youve figured out why . Your psychologists answer , if simpler, I might have understood though I can see the Google answer satisfies anyway.
Then - you asked how I am.
Huge question that I try to avoid asking myself. I just keep knitting and focusing on DH. Knit like a robot - just churning things out. But theres a fearful place inside me that has been opened about the future - caused by facing DHs worsening health ,I expect. I darent look at that place but I feel insecure.
Thought about upping my ADs but dont really want to go there.

I think Ive always had an empty space inside me that nothing can fill ,pretty much most of the time. Sinking into depression is never far away. Im sure many of us here can feel the same way so Im not alone with that. Just know that I * think* too much .

You see, you shouldn't have asked me.

Sorry, all will get back to posting a little later. Just spent a couple of hrs trying to figure out a pattern for a knitted flower Andy brain has hit the wall!

HVDY Good for you - going to a Zumba class. I remember you used to go to the 'advanced' one though any Zumba is fairly fast I believe. I guess it will give your metabolism a quick boost too. Good for your heart I think . Have you made any friends there? LG tomorrow too so that will keep you on your toes too. I feel like a slug in comparison! So glad your abscess thing has retreated . The cream must be good.
Scaredycat My DGD is a teenager now and I know that feeling of seeming and being old to them. So different now isnt it - they seem older than their age somehow. I love Yorkshire puddings too , though at home I'll decline and give DH one. Different if eating out though.
That heart nurse that called DH was someone that follows up the patients after their angioplasties- Ive no idea what her name was so cant really ask her anything. I once talked to a nurse from The British Heart Foundation when I suspected DHs angina so I might do that if DH keeps needing the spray.
Doodle I wish I knew what to say to you as the yearning must be dreadful. Im glad you speak to him when you get home- Scaredycat is right your DH would be so proud of you and how you are coping x
* EllieAnne*Nadateturbe**Candy
Allsorts Hope you are all OK.

I went to the neighbour who does lots of knitted toys and things-- she couldn't fathom the flowers either and shes experienced. So I UTubed it and managed a crotcheted one. I really dont like fiddly stuff at all.
Must read a couples of chapters of book for session tomorrow - didnt go last week as DH had just had procedure.
Its strange, I have no enthusiasm for each day just koko.
Hope everyone has a peaceful night.

I was concerned about you, Sweetpeasue as altho naturally you were giving vital DH news, you hadn't talked about yourself. I was aware it might possibly refer to what you've had to go through for so long x
The google advice was basically saying that after a long long period of stress we are on this sort of "must be strong, must cope, must bury feelings if possible"

and then if things ease as bit, why, its exactly as you describe, the space you darent look at, has got bigger or more scary. so the question is, how can I ease up a bit, not be scared? I actually think the idea of upping the anti D's just for a period isn't a bad one, as it gives you a kind of umbrella to shelter under. Your poor body must be so "Adrenalined up! Your knitting is fab though - a knitted flower sounds like a bit of a challenge to me - have you found one?

Idea of DH he might enjoy - if he takes photos of past work, and your computer has a basic photo programme, he can just sit at the computer and play with the images. It's actually great fun to sort of change the colour or rub bits out or....and it doesnt involve a lot of getting stuff out or pushing oneself too far ....

Well done getting out to Zumba Gold, HVDY. Thank goodness your going is up for it now.

Honestly, Scardeycat, you have to be kidding us you are in your 80's. Lovely post, as ever, but you must be missing the sun for little "doable" walks with DD for morning coffee.

I've had a good day - took it easy, went the gym, went to Costa where I am now. I'm trying to arrange a coffee with another Quaker I really like, we'll see if she wants to. But bestest of all was a woman, about my age, saying to me apropos a book, "Well, as an artist I think......" now that was a great natter.

HVdY i too admire your weight loss. I am overweight and ned to lose it but I have very little in the way of willpower. I’m struggling to find things I can eat that stop me gaining weight. I have 0 fat yoghurt for breakfast with one weetabix and 6 grapes. For lunch I have a tub of cottage cheese and four low fat crackers and half an apple. Dinner is a piece of chicken, steamed bag of veg, some peas and maybe a couple of baby potatoes. Then some mango and grapes. Not too bad but then I have a large glass of wine and two squares of dark chocolate. That’s my downfall I think. The biggest problem is lack of exercise. I don’t walk much these days and with my dodgy knees and feet I’m not up to doing much.
You have done brilliantly. I hope your abscess goes away soon .

Scaredycat I love Yorkshire puddings. I hardly ever have a good roast dinner now but I indulge very now and then.
I talk to DH all the time. It’s how I get through my days. The counsellor told me it’s quite natural and lots of people do it. She said it’s a good thing and if we have known someone a long time we could probably hold two parts of the conversation. I know what she means as I can guess what Dh would say in most situations. I’m looking at coach trips too. Might try one.

Wyllow3 Shame you're not sleeping well. Like you, I Google things. You know the answer from that source, but will it help you? I hope you sleep better tonight. Glad you had a good day and found someone to chat with today.

SweetpeaSue I can chat to people easily, but don't tend to make real friends very often. The women at Zumba today all seemed to know each other, but that's ok. Your crocheted flowers sound very nice. I once bought a child's crochet kit but couldn't fathom it out so took it to a charity shop! It must be nice to be able to do "craft" things like that.

ScaredyCat My grandchildren all comment on how short I am! GD1 is 14 and 5ft 8 or so (I'm 5ft 1). I expect I'll end up at about 4fdt 10 at this rate .

How's everyone else been today? DH has just gone out with Son1. I'm ringing an old friend soon (it's my turn this week). x

That is such a low calorie diet Doodle even with the 2 squares of choc and wine, I think you are probably right...some anti-d's tend towards weight gain - it depends what they are, but all of us here who take them need them....I think you aren't that keen on swimming, am I right? There are exercises you could safely do (non weigh bearing re knees) but it takes tremendous self discipline to do them alone,

I haven't really the oomph alone at home either...did you say you had an exercise bike? If you do, are your knees saying "no" as it could be the best option (like cycling while watching TV and so on.

Wyllow how interesting what you said about sleep and stress. It does make sense. Have you tried audio books or something to distract your mind from thinking.
Glad you enjoyed your day. I was in Costa with a friend this morning too. Art and knitting are both good opening topics with a lot of people. When I take my knitting with me, I get a number of people stopping to admire the work or ask what I’m knitting.
Sweetpeasue I think you might be experiencing the same sort of thing as Wyllow you’ve been in fight mode for so long now your mind isn’t relaxed it’s just waiting for the next thing.
I think if your Dh can relax a bit and the angina attacks stop then a quiet little holiday somewhere might do the both of you good.

Wyllow we had all sorts of exercise stuff in the past but it’s all gone now. In the year Dh was ill, exercise stopped. We went from walking 3 or more miles a day to not going out of the house except to hospital. Now I have osteoporosis and my right knee is a problem as is my left ankle. Walking becomes a battle of right knee saying get off me and left ankle saying don’t all on me. Which is why I hobble along so much.
I must do the exercises I know I must.

Sigh, yes, as we "joke" at the gym us in our 70's "use it or lose it" to egg each other on. fortunately I actually love exercise, most of the time, as yoga stuff even gentle with the breathing does genuinely make me feel better.

I can recall some of the things you used to do before DH started getting ill, then...you recall all of us talking about walking machines? (courage, mon ami).

Wanted to say to Sweetpeasue that the black hole as Doodle says has genuine physical origins, and the sense of emptiness following great stress when it eases a little is part of it, its like you've had to concentrate on "Existing somehow" for so long then its like, "what can bring me back into some sense of self that hasn't got that black hole". x

Doodle My DH and I used to walk ,not as much as yourself, but maybe 2 miles. We stopped as DH was getting worse and we were both afraid of the breathlessness. Ive started to do little bursts on exercise bike for around 10 mins but haven't for past 2 dys. Its as you say- finding motivation for keeping at any exercise. Your eating through the day puts me to shame. Everything sounds healthy - with grapes I eat some for breakfast but tend to nibble at them during day. Like Wyllow I usually have seeded toast if we're in Costa( food there is dismal) but today I had a banana muffin! Whoops , how did that jump onto my plate. I know Im drinking too much too - then I'll start nibbling again.
I hope your knees get stronger as you exercise.
Wyllow and Doodle I think you're both right about the stress thing . Its been at top notch and there's obvs some relief now -- though I miss not having my fully healthy DH back. Its really given both of us a huge shake - up to face ones own mortality . We're so exhausted at having to push so much for care. I think the knitting sort of distracts me from addressing that empty space.
Im having bad dreams all the time .
We have to just keep on - this life is hard for everyone its good to be able to share here.
HVDY That happens starting a group and it can be so difficult when everyone else knows each other. It happened to me yrs ago when I went to a step class. The session starts off and no one really gets chance much to chat but afterwards they seemed to all chat to each other in their own circle. Craft stuff isnt for everyone - I just learned to do basic crotchet at school in the breaks but I wouldnt know how to follow a pattern. You have a gift being able to chat to people - its that I find difficult , not wanting to say the wrong things.
Enjoy LG tomorrow.

Somehow the trick is to balance now running totally away from the Black Hole once the top tension is over or it will come out physically and in bad dreams. But everyones ways to cope with that are different; I've most certainly had to use MH meds to cope, which not only have worked, but is why I feel a slight up in anti'd's are no bad thing for a period of time as they lift the mood and the black holey things can be viewed a little more safely.

I've had A Realisation today on the MrA front, which of course is b obvious as it happened with Ex. By changing the story of the Assult event, to ma and to my fellow Quakers, he was in fact gas-lighting me from 3 hours after the event for months, until the truth emerged - yes it did happen, exactly as I described. Having to mix well after week with people who doubted you were telling the truth had its effect and he ia not going to get away with it.

He did it to preserve his reputation as a totally good guy, but in fact - it has come out far worse than had he owned the event quickly instead of lying! Still havent finished feeling angry, but time will heal in the end.

Hi all
HVDY- thank you for the kind words.I try to make the most of my days and ignore the fear that lurks at the back of my mind.
Watching our friends becoming so ill has made both of us determined to try and enjoy stuff while we can.
Zumba looks like fun- I just Googled it. I think I would have loved it years ago.
You are tiny. Remember the best things come in tiny packages.
Hope you had a good old chat with your friend.
SweetPeaSue- perhaps a small increase in your ADs would help- if only for a little while. That fearful place you speak of is never far away for any of us for one reason or another.
Overthinking wears you out and so often those things that haunt our minds never materialise. If they do the strength will come- believe me.
Good idea to speak with the BHF - I did that when the AF was overwhelming me a bit.
You tube is good isn’t it- lots of info as well as silly cats etc.
I think you would be lovely to chat with- full of empathy and humour.
Doodle- your calorie intake is very low very healthy too but you do need protein and carbs . Wine and chocolate are compulsory when you’re down.
It must be very difficult for you to walk but this weather has made it dangerous too- so slippy. When the better weather comes you,ll be able to build up your walking stamina bit by bit.
A Coach trip is a really good idea- somewhere new every day.
I had imagined that you would talk to your DH- such a natural thing to do and it keeps him close.
Do you knit for yourself ever? A chunky cardigan would be nice for the Summer.
Hope,you,ve had a good Church day today.
Wyllow- No kidding!!! 84 nextBirthday- how did that happen!
We,ve just done muddy wet walks as luckily it hasn’t been too cold lately.The lure,of Costas keeps us going😀
Use it or Lose it - such a good slogan. I love to walk and have done many sports but try as I did,I hated the Gym. DH loves it.
Taking ADs for me was something I,d refused for years but eventually I gave in and will take them forever now. I never want to feel so awful again.
Mr A is his own worst enemy - such arrogance. Your anger is like a fire that is gradually going out- yes time will put it out eventually.
Nadateturbe- hope you are having a better day.
EllieAnne- how is your week going?
Love to all mentioned and everyone else too

Doodle That isn't much food in a day, although it is healthy. Do you count out 6 grapes?? And half an apple? I eat a lot of fruit, but I have it as snacks or a pudding. Coach trips can be good. There are lots of places to go.

ScaredyCat I wish I was tiny in the right places! My mum was only 5ft 1, Dad was little at 5ft 6. Like you, I'd rather take ADs for the rest of my days than ever feel so low again.

Wyllow3 MrA sound so arrogant. I hope you manage to let go of your anger. One pathetic little man doesn't deserve it.

Long day with LG - she was here at 8, will go at 8.30pm-ish. Breakfast, softplay, shop, then lunch. She fell asleep 2 hours ago, but when she wakes, we'll have dinner somewhere. She'll have a bath here (she's never been upstairs here, so that will be a novelty for her). My abscess has gone now (that ointment always works). Hope everyone is ok x

I'm so very glad to hear id its disappearance, HVDY - and a lovely day there with LG. What did you do for dinner?

Well, you said it all in one sentence, Scardeycat

Watching our friends becoming so ill has made both of us determined to try and enjoy stuff while we can

I must keep remembering it! I do, much more than I used to.
And you deserve every moment, lovely post, as ever.

I did have some what to eat thoughts for Doodle too. Yes a bit more protein, and remember er low calorie protein powder if you want to boost it or investigate in the supermarket drinks section the ones with odd colours but full if the right stuff, like some “Innocence drinks.

But what stood out to me was - add fruit for breakfast, the best ones being blueberries, kiwi fruit and easy peasy tinned mandarin oranges. And a bit more vegetables for dinner, boring old broccoli is cheap and very good for you and carrots.

One of the traders at the gym simply recommends the diet I follow, I eat a lot of raw food “all the colours” I the salad dept and green peppers too.

But also a daily vitamins and minerals, and the top one is Wellwoman 70 plus You might try seeing if taking turmeric tablets helps with the O/A, it does help some substantially including my then 83 year old friend.

Bossy Wyllow over and out..

it was nice enough out, mot sunny, but light, with 4 (I counted them) sun appearances in my 1 hour walk at the Botanical Gardens. Had a laugh with a volunteer gardener as he was counting the sun appearences too. I resisted one of the cafe's 6 inch scones, and then went to M n S to collect undies - I'd ordered 2 sizes of everything, and brought a current pair of undies to compare, so sat in the car and returned all the ones I didn't want.
Then not so nice but necessary, wrote a clear letter to the Safeguarders about it being Gaslighting, and to be dealt with as such, with both MrA, so he really understands what is unacceptable but also any policy discussions on adult Safeguarding.
I was able to say of course that Ex Gaslighted me, but it was in a 1 2 1 situation, and I had the backing of all those around me: but this Gaslighting took place in the context of a whole group who didn' really believe me, including to a certain extent, even the Safeguarders. Was tactful - but full on about that.

I had a sleep so now to find a "feel good" film and put feet up.

Scaredycat Thankyou so much for that lovely post . I really would love to chat with you all. Wouldn't that be special.
Wyllow Hope you can settle now youve written to the Safeguarding team. Its a truly terrible experience to not be believed about something so awful.
HVDY What a full day with LG and such a long one too. You'll need to put your feet up after all that. Incredible.

Love to Doodle EllieAnne Nadateturbe aswell.
Bad day today, woke with aches and severe tiredness. Went back to bed as couldn't bear anything , light, noise, thoughts and needed to sleep. Roused myself for book group and forced myself there but had to leave after an hr and come home. Back to bed for sleep. Can't explain the exhaustion. Flare up of Fibro I think.

Wishing you all a peaceful night free from worries.xx

Forgive me all, I’ve been really busy today and had a night of text messages and phone calls. Will catch up wil you all tomorrow. Sleep well

You can only given into the day and rest, Sweetpeasue. xx

Wyllow I’m going to try those tablets
I can’t remember if I said but I have been having a lot of ocular migraines lately. No headache just visual disturbances for about 30 minutes. 1 o Friday 2 on Sunday 1 on Monday and 1tonight. They don’t really bother me unless I’m driving and I have to stop till it’s gone.im more concerned about the cause.
Another funeral today. A friend for many years. It was quite sudden. Four of us used to meet regularly. Now there are two.
I’ve been busy this week but not much exercise. I’m going walking tomorrow whatever the weather!

give in xx

Wyllow3 You had a bit of sun where you live! We didn't here - it rained just about every minute of the day. Well done on buying a lot of new underwear. I love Sloggi knickers, so comfortable. We warmed up a portion of home-made Spag Bol for LG at lunchtime, then went to a pub for teatime.

SweetpeaSue Could you be coming down with something? Whether it's that or the Fibromyalgia, I hope today is better for you.

*It's sad to lose friends. Hope you manage to get out for a walk today.

It was a very long but lovely day with LG (she went at 9pm). She loved her bath and was so surprised at the bedrooms - and my collection of toy animals (cat, meerkats, seal, bears and a panda. I told her they were Jaffa's). Valentine's Day theme at day centre today, so we'll be having salmon for lunch. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Sorry all just lost a post.
* EllieAnne* Hope you managed that walk. So sorry about the loss of your friend - it must have come as a shock to you. Hope the funeral went as well as these things can.
HVDY Glad you had a nice meal at the day centre. LG will want more baths at your house and will want to see 'Jaffa's' toys again.
No Im not coming down with anything. I get quite a few dys like that - it has to be the Fibromyalgia. Been OK today.

Son 2 came to fix our kitchen tap and put new fitting in. His wife came too so we had a nice chat while DH helped son. He overdid it and needed spray for chest pain. First time son has seen that.

Hope everyone has had a reasonable day. Xx