Black Dogs 28

HVDY thanks, Mountstewart is lovely. NT grounds are all lovely to wander round and the cafes are good. England has so man nice NT properties.
Grandchildren are always a good incentive to do things!
Perhaps you need a referral to ENT for your ears.

Hello to everyone I haven't managed to chat to tonight. I've reached my screen limit.
Wishing you all a peaceful night xx

I didn't post last night as I'd had a bad day, exhaustion from the walking, and yet another depressive night. Things losing their meaning. I wrote to my psychologist in the evening and sent the Safeguarding a copy because I had a bout of real anger about how I have lost my best self in exhaustion and mood after the gaslighting and months of no support by Quakers: probably unwise, but too bad. (they've still done nothing). I think also that the discoveries of damp patch and the worrying about that added to it.

Nevertheless, it's been one more bad night of struggling with pointlessness too much, and I am going to ring to try and get some help today. I'm really also not sure that going away is best when I am so wobbly away from familiar things and MH help except on the phone, at the same time....?

I am feeling too many symptoms that I felt before I rapidly fell into the profound depression that is my old enemy in the autumn of 2023 to ignore them of koko alone with them.

I read yesterday I always find it a comfort, friendly faces and voices.

Wyllow3 I'm sorry you're feeling like that. It seems you feel deeply that the Quakers have let you down. And being very fatigued always makes things much worse. Sending hugs, I'll talk more later.

I am being taken seriously and have a phone call from my psychologist (who is head P, and therefore hard to get), tomorrow morning.

BD's will probably have noticed how one moment I am on a sort of high, done this amazing this or that and then report a really bad night, and increasing amounts of that:

If you are bipolar rapid and strong fluctuations of mood over high, over low are not a good thing.

Problem is the "amazing this or that" doesn't sink in, doesn't count, isn't working and I feel driven to do the high thing and not stop, to escape the bad low, whereas the small gain approach is the one that allows real getting better but is hard for me currently.

And yes nadateturbe that is what has caused all this, and I am waiting to hear some "Results" on Safeguarding decisions very soon, but that trigger isnt anymore the real matter in play, its not being able to control the mood swings. I am doubting whether its a good idea to go away

I know. -change of scene - good family - coast - seems all good, doesnt it? But the way I cope with very low moods indeed, is to be at home amongst familiar things in the night and knowing that MH are just down the road, be weird, whatever needed.

anyway the Psychologist has now known me for 5 years, even from before the awfulness with the ending with Ex - so is a Good Egg.

It's good you have a quick appointment with someone you trust Wyllow. I know when I don't feel good I want to be home. But I wouldn't try to offer advice on something I know little about. I hope she will be able to help, and advise about going to visit. I know you were looking forward to it.

Feeling a bit let down.
Maybe I’m expecting too much and feeling more sensitive because of being ill..
I went to my bible study group last night.
For various reasons there were fewer there 8 of us.
I only really went to get away from the house.
So we did the study but I couldn’t join in. Had nothing useful to say and felt engulfed in sadness and hopelessness.
But no one picked up on it.
At the end I simply left. Usually help to tidy up, wash cups etc.
What use is all the study and theories if there is no concern for others.

Maybe as you say, they didn't pick up on it EllieAnne. Sometimes we expect friends/family to read our minds. Also, I feel low healthwise very often and am definitely sensitive to others not being sympathetic.
Being ill on top of your home situation is a lot to cope with. I wish you could talk to your husband. You deserve to be happy. But only you can do something about it. x

Ellie Ann, its really hard, because a lot of people don't pick up on that isolation and sadness, and indeed may think you are a quiet soul who doesn't want to be disturbed, unless they are either extremely empathic, or trained.

Or, if they do suspect, not know quite how to deal with it. eg, does that other person want to talk, or quietly sit there and slip out?

Its very, very difficult to cross the barrier of your awful pain, isolation, and engage with people, for unless they are exceptional, one has to get to know people enough before venturing on a "personal feelings and struggles" basis.

Some people are afraid of that. One never may know if there is another there longing for deeper contact - they may be acting "OK"

In my experience this has only come after a long time (say at the gym, where I have interacted initially at a trivial level)

or in groups that are specifically for people who are struggling, not a therapy group as such, but a group within the voluntary sector that is there for support (under the guise perhaps of art or similar) in difficult emotional times. Those are the spaces I learned to speak out and felt accepted.

Yes Wyllow I have noticed the fluctuating rapid highs and lows. Sometimes on the same day. Of course when you mention the bi polar it all makes sense. I know of course but sometimes forget as you’ve been coping so well before Mr A. I can understand the anger too. Why could you not have had that happen and upset the apple cart so to speak. Good your consultant is on the ball and hopefully will be able to help you.
Please dear Wyllow do all you can to avoid the pit you were in before. We’re all here rooting for you.
Ooh that’s my dinner buzzer. Be back later.

Ellie Anne I would imagine bubble study is perhaps a quiet ish group. Maybe they just thought your non participation was just because you didn’t have anything to say. People don’t always pick up on how you are. I have one friend who I know straight away when somethings wrong I can tell by her face. Another close friend I don’t know till she tells me. On many occasions I have been really depressed and upset and people haven’t picked up on it. Maybe we’re too embarrassed to ask or afraid of being thought nosey. Please don’t be too hard on them or yourself. I doubt they were just ignoring you.
Are there people in church who are approachable. Like the vicar, church wardens, safeguarding . Anyone you could have a chat with.?

Yes I get that Wyllow but one lady there is a trained counsellor who knows my home life is difficult and several others know a bit .

Wyllow Yes, I noticed those highs and lows though hadn't realised it could be the bipolar signs. Im so sorry you are having to go through this and I hope that by seeing your P early you can get extra help if needed. There's a good chance that as youve spotted those signs early you wont dip down as low as you were. We're all here for you and it might not seem a lot but words can sometimes help.
You know best about whether or not to postpone travelling to sis on Thursday.
Hope you get lots of support from P tomorrow.
EllieAnne Its true what Wyllow says about not knowing what to do when someone can see someone else is struggling. Sometimes we are not ready to speak to someone about our troubles and other people might sense that too.
So sorry you're feeling so low- we all know what that's like. You haven't much support in your home life which.must make it doubly hard and lonely. Is there any friend you can speak to at all? Please see a caring GP if theres one at your surgery. Take care of yourself now.x
Nadateturbe You've done well to post when the screen drains you. Thankyou for your caring words as always. Ive never heard of that gel/cream. Do you use the warming one ?

Absolutely exhausted again and we had my DGS a few hrs today. Hes so good and it was nice talking to him. He said he wasnt well so he came here while son and DIL went to visit her mum.
Supposed to be book group tomorrow but hate going if I feel like this.
Aunt meant to be home tomorrow but shes so confused .
Such bad news everywhere , its getting to me -- I guess it does to everyone , but worrying times indeed.

Love to all and sorry to leave some out. Might be back later.x

Sweetpeasue is your aunt home? I do hope she will have support at home and not be left to her own devices. I expect you will visit soon. Hope you and your Dh have had a reasonable day. My friend is getting a coverless duvet too. Not sure how it will work but I’m interested.
Nadateturbe thank you. I try to get out and meet people every day. I’m better doing that than being indoors all the time. Like you I haven’t actually given up anything for lent. I’m just trying to be more thoughtful and kind.
Scaredycat how was your friend? Must be so hard seeing her like that. It’s good of you and your other friend to keep visiting. Have you been out today? We’ve had some sun here.
HvDY sorry you’re still having trouble with your ears. So difficult when you can’t hear well. If on top of that you have tinnitus then the noise of that won’t help either. My tinnitus is really high pitch and sort of crackly in my ears. Sometimes it’s so loud I can hardly think. Hope you’ve had a better day today.

Wyllow3 You've recognised that you might be on that downward spiral, as you were before. It's good that you're aware of your mood swings. I hope the Psychologist's call tomorrow will help and that she'll be able to advise you on how best to get back on the right track again.

nadaturbe Hope you'll soon be feeling brighter in yourself.

EllieAnne People can't know how you feel unless you tell them. Remind me - have you ever had counselling? (I didn't find it useful, but many people do. Nadaturbe is right, you're the only one who can change your life. What's that saying - "if nothing changes, things will stay the same", or something like that.

I had intended trying to get to see a GP today about my ears, but things went awry - I had a call from SIL's sister at 7.30am, to say SIL(the one in a home) had died suddenly, and I didn't want my brother to be told over the 'phone, so I went to his house and broke the news to him. I stayed until 1.30, and he insisted he didn't want to be with anyone - I understand that. He's all the things I've said about him, but I'll support him more now. x

Sorry to hear your very sad news HVDY. It must have been hard telling your brother. I'm sure you'll do your best to support him. But I hope you get to see the GP soon. You don't want your ears to get worse.

Sweetpeasue, I got confused. Your aunt is home tomorrow, not today. I'm sorry you're still so tired. Part of my problem seems to be anaemia, apparently. I wonder do you need a blood check.
I'm sure it was lovely having your gs. Is he very young I can't remember? Children are fun, but tiring.
Hope you make the book group. I love getting out and chatting to friends, it's annoying when you haven't the energy, isn't it?
Pernaton has a cooling effect. It has natural ingredients which is why I prefer it to voltarol. It works for pain in joints and muscles. I use it mostly on my upper back and neck.

That’s a difficult situation for you Hvdy because your brother is difficult to help. I know you will do your best.
If I left I d be leaving all the memories of my children. I’d have nowhere to go and because he doesn’t see anything wrong he would be angry..
I can’t cope with confrontation because of my family situation as a child.
We have just given son 2 a substantial amount of money because he has got himself in a mess. That could not happen if we separated.
It could have a bad effect on dd.

I have had counselling a while ago. I didn’t find it helpful.
We have a pastor and assistant pastor in the church. One in their 40s and the other in his 30s. I’ve not spoken much to either of them.
I can talk to a few friends.
And I tend to notice in a group if someone doesn’t seem ok and have a word or send a text to check on them.
Maybe I do expect too much of people.

Thank you, nadateturbe

* HVDY* Oh Im so sorry about your SIL, that must have been quite a shock . I think you worked together for quite a while. It must have been so unexpected.
I expect it will take a while for the news to sink in with your brother.. I hope he realises what a support you can be and let's you comfort him a little. So sorry.
Doodle That tinnitus must be so troublesome. I know others here have it too so Im lucky not to have it. Yrs, my aunt is meant to come out tomorrow afternoon. In her DDs text to me a couple of dys ago she said her mum had forgotten where she lived. Hoping she'll remember a lot more when she gets home.
Nadateturbe Thanks about the pereton- I googled it and realised there was one with warming effect and one cooling. Its mainly my shoulders arms,neck but sometimes feels throughout body. I should get some blood checks, its been a while since last had them.
EllieAnne Im so sorry for your situation. Perhaps the pastor or assistant pastor might be worth a try- surely it cant harm. It sounds like you're in quite an impossible position when you look at so many reasons not to leave. Surely your DH must know by now something isnt right though. Look after yourself. Im sorry your son has had some financial problems - it happens to many Im afraid.

I'm so sorry to hear about SiL, HVDY. That was very unexpected. Yes, your brother is being true to form. In a way, you can only offer to be there for him should he want you to be, and keep contact, and observe. He has his own coping mechanisms, and they aren't the same as others. Yes, difficult to understand.
Quite bloke-ish the way some men are...and your background was difficult at times, and his coping strategy may go a long long way back. It's just sad he doesn't want contact, when you operate in a different way, you go in and engage.

Thank you for the support tonight all. Very much appreciated to be understood and that it had been noticed.

Yes Doodle, in the past I have done my own wrecking job, and this time it came unannounced, unwanted, and damaging. My understanding of my condition is helpful, clearly, but not as under my control as I would like. I mean ones own inner thoughts.
Had an interesting thing tonight, a complex blessing. The woman in my Quaker meeting who way back was my psychiatrist now the only one who "understood" (now with cancer, awaiting results, tho its level one, but its triggered a manic episode - I mean really manic -for her.
She rung me for a chat as she know her going on about this and that would not trouble me. We babbled on for 30 mins quite happily.

As long as I don't have to feel responsible - but we both understand that. I suggested the rules. We can both ring each other, but can say "No". That might prove difficult, but so far so good. However, it's good to be trusted. She did say something to me once a couple of years back "I realised that the friends that had stuck have MH problems".

nadateturbe I noticed in your nice posts tonight you have ID'd anaemia - is it treatable? will that make a difference?

I hope maybe Pernaton might work for you, Sweetpeasue. Yes, people time can be very tiring. Some people can manage to be with other for hours...I think it's something to do with putting a lot into contacts, not being able to "coast" when they are there. I do hope that aunt settles - you will find out soon.

Ellie Anne that group is potentially a sympathetic one. you may be right in that being very in need, it's difficult to manage ordinary levels of contact.
But I'd say it seems like a group to try not to give up until you've tried a bit more, but somehow accepting..... that say if your needs are a whole cake, you may only get a slice, but that slice is better than nothing.

Do others there ask after each other at the level you know your needs are at or more superficial - which doesn't "speak to your condition.
It's possible that the trained counsellor wants to leave that side of her life entirely behind in the group and not engage in personal chats.

I have a strong attachment to my home, it's as if it's physically part of me, so I can understand your associations as regards memories. I have moved several times and have shed the objects that carry memories to the extent that I have precious things in a box, so my family are not as it were "in my house".

I was going to suggest counselling but you've tried it before: if you don't want that, or medication, a choice is to try and engage tho at a limited way, with DH, or/and build your personal nest very strongly within your house - spend some money on it without guilt - make it yours as much as you can, whatever it is. In my bedroom, twinkly lights, comforting bits and bobs, that are just mine with some family thrown in.

Warm thoughts all round. I have to decide tomorrow if its a good idea to go on Thursday down to my sisters, she doesnt know whats just happening, will see how things go.

Wyllow Im so glad that a previous psychiatrist/Quaker rang you and you had that chat .Seems like you both understand the ' boundaries' and will be able to have further chats ,and that's a precious thing to have if needed.
You understand that extremely tiring thing about talking to people. I can only do it for so long - its nothing to others and people can thrive on it,but I realise Im different and after an hr or so Ive had enough.
I do hope P can help tomorrow and at least can offer further reassurance that there's someone 'there' for you.

EllieAnne I understand the connection to the home your children grew up in, and the lack of funds to go it alone, but your options seem to be: stay as you are and make your bedroom a place of comfort, or try to communicate more with your husband. I doubt, from things you've said, that he'd go to marriage guidance. I know what you mean about helping your son out with money - we gave our Sona lot last year, to make up a loan from his boss to buy a car.

SweetpeaSue Yes, my SIL and I worked as carers for the same company for a few years (brother did, too). Nice that you saw your grandson, although tiring for you. I hope your aunt gets home ok and settles back, with help from carers. Time will tell. The Fibro symptoms must be getting you down. My Son1 has it mainly in his feet and shoulders. It subsides after so long. Hope yours does, too.

Doodle My hearing is like being underwater - everything muffled and distorted, plus the usual Tinnitus. I'll try to see a GP today. I think you do very well to keep going out to places. It's the best thing to do. I only wish my brother had tried to join things, because now he really will be very lonely.

Wyllow3 The 30 minute chat with the lady sounds long enough but understanding on both sides. Best of luck with the Psychologist call today.

I didn't make it clear about how I had to break the news to my brother - his wife's sister had Power of Attorney, both medically and financially, for the past 4 years or so, as he handed it all over to her (she's from Warnister, we're in Nottingham) as he couldn't cope with it all, so she was the first one to know about my SIL. At least there won't be a funeral (no car, coffin, service, flowers), as SIL had donated her body to medical science, same as brother and DH & me.

Hope everyone has a decent day x

I'm glad to hear how it is with SiL's goodbyes, HVDY. Best option indeed x

My limit with people is generally 2 hours real Max, Sweetpeasue. I am drawn to reflect its because Me and maybe you cant just engage at a lesser level than intense atm. I can last longer when all my family comes.

I had a shock latish last night. At 9.30 I got the email with a report from Safeguarding. they had met with 3 people who look after the meeting.

The plan was that MrA would come back to our meeting 1 in 4 sessions for 5 months then all being well come back properly.

BUT. -the plan was also - and this was written in official documents - that he should engage with people, one being a man, first (I thought) in order that he understand what gaslighting is (imposition of a false narrative) and its consequences on me

This was not mentioned at all. It felt like all my work to get this outcome rubbished. whats the point if no lessons learnt? If Safeguarding dont take it on board after all?

I sent a very strong letter back and as a result of this trigger of course I slept until 3am (3 hours) then couldnt get back to sleep, so wound up.

So I did a sensible thing, tho its left me very tired - I actually spent an hour packing to go away tomorrow (if I go) - its finished except for last minute stuff. then I took some extra diazepam and put the electric blanket on and managed to doze another 3 hours.

.....and needless to say, wrote a note with a sorry I was so strong, but feel that x and y had been agreed and do need to be done.

Looking forward to that call at 9.30. I have an appointment for a nice facial treat at the gym at 10.30 so shall go and take the call in the car park rather than miss the treat.

Psychologist was very helpful, and far from my note being too strong, it elicited a hurried response saying they would be doing x,y,z.
Then after the facial where I had brain picked by nice facial friend -known her since 2014 - on a very scary MH condition of sister of her BF - I found the hairdresser was free (its a little room at the gym) so seized the chance for a cut, was made a nice coffee but bombarded by funny tales of her very demanding Dad that needed a repository, so my mind is only fit for something extremely tedious on I player under the duvet.

See all later x