Black Dog 31

And after!

Wow Scaredycat the boys are beautiful. Glad they liked their presents. 🤣
HVDY yes it helps a lot to have DH’s photos around. I have some on my phone to so whenever I answer it or look at the screen I see him. Glad you met up with your son. I had a long chat with DS2 tonight. Not spoken to him for a while so had a nice catch up.
Sweetpeasue hope the ultrasound clarifies what’s causing your DH’s pain. Fluffball is so lovely the photos before and after made me laugh.
nadateturbe so pleased you managed to visit friends. A trip put is nice.
Wyllow I.ve had photos of DH around me all the while. I look at them every day and watch videos of him. I like to keep his memory alive and the photos and videos help,
Sorry I’ve got lost with the initials. I thought L was your DGD.
Now I realise I’ve got it wrong. Not sure who R is either. Sorry Wyllow you don’t have to explain. I just hope it all gets sorted out in your best interest.

One of the people who upset me with their tactless remarks has messaged me asking if they have done something wrong. I don’t know how to answer.
Dh was still confused today and talking rubbish.

EllieAnne I'd play it straight.

Just say things are very difficult at the moment name, x,y,z as regards his conditions ....(but avoid the relationship stuff if you can)

but you do get upset about it atm and thank them for caring enough to contact you. ie, dont allude to them being tactless in any way - best way to play it atm?

She is offering an olive branch so explaining not accusing is the way to go? (not that you would do it, just making suggestions)

nadateturbe* I so wish for you that some of your family still think that ME is in your head. It’s really very sad for you and so - well, putting down, that they haven’t bothered to research and so on. It doesn’t take much. Of course, even if they didn’t visit, the understanding would help so much and make FaceTime now and then possible.

It sounds like brunch was fun, HVDY. Does your friend go to aqua? Aqua is hard work, I tried once. I don’t do housework, or as little as possible. I’d rather have a caner than a holiday, but of course I have now a friend not just a cleaner. Her MiL is dying, it’s a matter of days, so the house might just have to wait soon.

It’s sad your friend will be immobile, Scaredycat. there are so many reminders of frailty around you atm..it is hard…oh my, your gorgeous furry fiends, they look so very cuddle worthy and are they mostly friends and curl up together. But how are you?

Yes, A is so kind, he is the kind of man that actually understands women and appreciates all that we add to the world without letting himself ever be bossed about or expect meals on the table. He bears his difficulties in a matter of fact way and I am learning how to make good judgments when it is needful to speak for him and when to just offer silence for whatever is ready to come out.

Don't worry, Doodle yes, L is also my DGD and should have thought of that. I recall you looking at videos a long time ago and it made you cry and cry is why I thought they might not have been kept out, but it makes total sense ...I would be talking to him if it were me xx

I had a morning doing some admin.

I went to see Quaker F who has had an ongoing MH manic episode, was inpatient and cancer. Cancer Ok, she is very frail, but back "with us" (we have known each other for 20 years as long ago she was my psychiatrist then ment again at Quakers so we are both "insiders"

We had a lovely long chat and laugh, except that is when she broke into the conversation and she told me that "Love Demands" (quaker phrase) that I Forgive My Sexual Assailant and Let him come back to the meeting 🙄. (Psst - it was not my decision)

Guess what - yes, my nemesis who is not well MH wise but thinks she is God, had been to visit and Made Heartfelt Pleas on his behalf - a completely inappropriate thing to try and get a sick woman on board.

And MrA the assailant had also visited and Been Charm Itself but just happened to say how sad he was at being excluded.......

lets just say we got some things clear, she said please don't not visit because of this, I said of course not, and we carried on nattering.

I said in the end I felt Love Demanded that I protect myself and other women, and had only followed written Quaker and other Christian Church guidelines all along and of course had tried Restorative Justice. she agreed he is that kind of man, and we ended up chatting about men in our lives and it was very funny, and had a secret vape. I do love her: just angry she should be manipulated, but not angry with her.

After I'd left I went to the Botanical Gardens and walked for an hour to furiously to work it off, talking for half the time to A on the phone.

I probably wouldn't have done the walk otherwise, and the colours in the Gardens are getting simply beautiful.

Frankly Sweetpeasue this Quaker stuff is very wearying and tho I miss my little meeting a great deal if the cost becomes too great I will continue with Zooms only. However after today I am inclined to think I really have to go and see how it is.

Fluff does seem an asset now after a lot of hard work put in to help him behave better when it matters, especially if it gives Dh comfort. She looks so adorable!

Yes, fingers, toes and everything else crossed for tomorrow for DH.

What a pretty little dog, SweetpeaSue. She obviously loved being on the beach, and looks tired out afterwards . Best of luck with your husband's appointment tomorrow. My weeing haas never been normal - the average number of wees in 24 hours is supposed to be 8. I go about 15 times 9which is still better than the 25 it was). This new pill is a diuretic to lower my BP.

Doodle Nice to chat to our sons, isn't it? I don't get to see Son2 (dad of LG) very often, although he's only 2 miles away. He works long hours and cooks every evening.

EllieAnne Perhaps tell her that you don't yet know what's going to happen with your husband, and that you don't know what care he will need. Talking about adapting the house is a bit premature, isn't it? You could tell her that.

Wyllow3 Yes, my friend goes to aqua aerobics - she lives at the end of my street, so I pick her up. We've got nothing in common, really, but get on well. Your cleaning friend sounds so caring. Sad about her MIL. Hope she goes quickly and peacefully. With all the palaver with the Quakers people, and the "Love Demands" stuff, I'm glad to be an atheist . It's more straightforward. Perhaps you should just go to a meeting and see how things are?

It's drizzled all day - not the best day to wash all the bedding, which ended up on the clothes horse then dryer. LG tomorrow. Hope everyone has a peaceful night. x

"It's more straightforward" with atheists. Erm actually....

That creased me up, HVDY

Basically what happened to me could happen in any small group where there are unfortunate "people mixes" at the wrong time.

Wyllow33 That's true, but Atheists don't think they're God

Thanks for the advice.. I told her I’m probably a bit over sensitive at the moment but don’t want to talk about worse case scenarios till I have to.
Dgd has sent me over 200 photos of her weekend in London. Not looked at them all yet.They were arriving back at half twelve last night.
My usual Tuesday thing is off today because it’s the school holidays and we take a break, I wish it was on as it would give me company and stop me that for a while.
I’ll go to the hospital later but it’s hard when we ve nothing to talk about and his confusion and sleepiness.
Yesterday I went to the hospital shop to get toothpaste and toothbrush. His went missing. Then I got a hot chocolate From Costa to take to the ward, but I stayed out as long possible because it was stressful.
Would be nice to meet up with someone this morning. I have one friends I might suggest to but we’ll see.
Although I’ve probably seen more of family recently I do feel very isolated and lonely.

EllieAnne I think that's wise to say that to the woman. 200 photos! Your GD obviously had a great time. Sorry your Tuesday thing isn't on today. The schools here are off next week and the week after. Is your husband on Morphine (Oramorph)? If so, that would be causing his sleepiness and confusion. Are there any visitors you could chat with? Loneliness is awful - I hope your friend will be up for meeting you today.

Im so tired and feel so scared about everything. I just dont seem to be able to do much about DHs rapidly declining health situation.

It was a doppler thing on his legs and arms today ,though nurse was adamant she wasnt going to touch his left arm ( it was l subclavian artery where he has stent)
She couldn't feel manual pulse in either calf and the machine gave extremely weak signal for blood flow in calves. She said there was def a problem and hoped his ultrasound appt came through quickly.( GP had ordered one 2 weeks ago.
After getting back home he got a message to call surgery. They said his ultrasound had been rejected! This would have happened before his Doppler result today.
I rang Vascular secretary and she has no letter from the GP we saw about 6 weeks ago who said she was informing Vascular about DHs chest pain from the protruding stent in his artery.
The GP we saw just before holiday and organised the Doppler and Ultrasound is working Thursday so will be trying to see her then.
Meanwhile DHs chest pain has been bothering him more frequently ( not angina- the protruding stent into aorta) which I told secretary today.

Ive no faith in the system to help DH very quickly .
Just dizzy with tiredness so cant post more to you all, sorry.

Sincerely hope everyone has coped with their days. Xx

Ellie Anne I think your response to that person was very good ad tactful. I’m glad you’re seeing more of family. I hope they’re supporting you too. If your Dh is sleepy could you just sit with him for a bit and read a book. Big hug. Not easy I know.
Thanks Wyllow . I’ve been looking at videos of DH and his photos every day. Some make me cry but I love seeing his beautiful face and gentle eyes. I’d rather look and be upset than not look if that makes sense. We were together 57 years. I still need to see him every day and will do for as long as I keep going. I’m just grateful that I have so many photos and videos but even then I’d like more.
Glad A is a nice man. You need someone understanding in your life.
It is not right that those other two visited F to try to win her over to his side. You’ve been through this so many times. I’m glad you were able to get past this and have a nice chat.
Glad you have the botanical gardens to go to.
HVD Y funny enough my DS2 works hard and cooks every evening too. They don’t have much time do they?
Sweetpeasue I hope lol went well for your Dh appointment today.
Scaredycat have you had a busy day washing and ironing. Hope you’re not overdoing it.
I went to sit fit this morning then met two friends for lunch at the hospice. Whilst there we met two other women who started chatting to us having a common interest in art, we eventually all sat together and had a most lovely afternoon

DH has just had medical results on Doppler ultrasound on his phone message.
Lots of medical words but nurse found no dorsal pulses on either foot and several pulse spots on each lower leg completely missing.

She noted that DH was already under Vascular.In actual fact he has just been referred to Vascular.

Its ridiculous- his appt isnt till December .
So sorry ,Ill just have to try and get FP on Thursday.

Sweetpeasue, you are right to be both frustrated and anxious. Can you ring 111 and say how worried you are and you need help as you feel "x and y" is dangerous, you are both in a bad way about it, "help help" (saying that, cos I would do it) xxx
Remember they assess you at length and it gets bounced back to the GP. Every little helps? xxxx.

EllieAnne I thought your response was top rate. Well done. It leaves open polite queries but lets them know there is cause for concern. As for the photos, bless her, you are clearly important!

Well there is now more family involvement but it will take time to grow, and for it to "sink in", keep fostering it x

I loved your descriptions of DH, Doodle that loved familiar person after so long. Today seemed a good day: are you still sobbing a lot on coming home, does that feeling of "friends being there last that bit longer? (not that it "should", just interested.)

After yesterday's events I hit crisis this morning, contacted psychologist with the details. Eventually maybe 3 hours she came back with a firm

"My advice would be, as you have already done with one of them, is to stop having contact with them completely. Due to their own issues/needs, these people are not good/helpful for you to be around/have contact with at this time.

You were making good progress in processing the assault and moving on with your life, don't let them pull you back into the storm of the assault. The assault has happened, processes were eventually followed, and you need to be allowed to move on from this.

Spend time with people who are going to support and lift your mood. Do things that are going to move you towards the life you want to have, not drag you back into difficult thoughts/feelings/memories - spend time outside, at the gym, with your partner. Plan good things in over the next few days."

So am going to walk away for now with no plans to "try and get back". Survival.

But I will let the organiser know and why: because she emailed me this morning and said crystal clear and kindly

no one should ever tell another "what Love Demands of them", and she will mention this to yesterdays poorly lady, whom, if she accepts it, is someone I can have a lot of fun with and its mutual and will carry on being her. (interests in common, big time, art, music, giggles about blokes etc)

So phoned sis as well who agreed and told me lots of Bella stories, Bella is very like Fluff, Sweetpeasue

Just tonight we went for an excellent Indian I had prawns in Kerralian (sp) sauce and it was interesting as A outlined the last project he wants to do and it is doable. I'm good at bouncing ideas off and the field was one I know a fair bit about to ask useful questions.

hmmmm HVDY some atheists do think rather too highly of themselves as in some punters in public life....

I hope your day was OK

Best wishes to all BD's xx

Wyllow Thankyou for your post . Im feeling very defeated tonight about my efforts to help DH.. Attempting appt with the GP lead who we saw just before holiday , when shes on Thursday. She referred DH for( rejected) Ultrasound .
Feel ready for the more emergency approach if no satisfaction then.

You certainly did the right thing by getting in touch with the psychologist. Her advice sounded very good indeed.

So glad you have A and you were able to have some time together away from other worries. X

Yes! "Feel ready for the more emergency approach if no satisfaction then" Sweetpeasue

SweetpeaSue Things shouldn't be like that - the GPs and hospital not communicating well, the results not being shared, etc. Your poor husband hasn't been treated properly, and you have to keep fighting to get things done. I hope you'll be able to see the GP tomorrow and that she'll help.

Doodle The deep love you have for your husband is obvious, and it'll always be there. He sounds like a lovely man. Glad you had such a nice afternoon and made a couple of new friends at the hospice.

Wyllow3 The Psychologist gave you some excellent advice there - enjoy life as much as you can, and be with people who make a positive impact on your life. Logical and helpful advice there. Nice to have a good Indian meal. I haven't heard of that particular dish. Was it hot (as in chillies)?

Not much happening today - DH out for his breakfast with old mates. I'll faff about. My new diuretic is lowering my BP already (this is day 5). Back later x

I woke up feeling sort of sad and angry I had to be the one "Backing down" from meeting.

Well some anger is justified, - why should "the victim" end up not going....

but I worked out immediately what it really was, it was missing a couple of people a lot, and why, I can go see them or meet them for coffee

and its not that simple, for I have made an impact on policy in our organisation and intend so slowly pursue it further: you see, its not actually just about the assault,

its the ability of the organisation to deal with this sort of conflict within it that needs addressing, just as much - and this is also illustrated by current events of a meeting being threatened by one very ill person. We are't equipped well enough despite being around for 400 years.

Of course, this can happen in other churches or other non religious organisations, but its different.

(In a much bigger meeting, we have "elders" who would take on one ill but disruptive person - its being so small and informal)

Yesterday was not a good day, dh aSleep most of the time I was there and the dr I spoke to was clearly concerned. Then the vascular surgeon phoned me as I was driving home so I missed it and the no doesn’t take incoming calls. So I m really none the wiser.
But he spoke to son 2 and looks like amputation is still a possibility but he is not fit for surgery at the moment.
I had thought of missing visiting today but seeing how it’s going I will go this afternoon and take a book in case he is sleeping again.
Sweet pea sue please make a fuss about your husband’s health.
Wyllow I’m sorry all this has happened.
I have to say I feel quite detached from my church just now at a time when I should be leaning on it.
But I’ve always been in the background and unnoticed.

I think its a good idea not just to take a book but even a lap top if there is wifi.

Idea: start little WhatsApp chats with the brits of family that you do connect to.
You need a routine that works for you whilst so much goes on with uncertain outcomes.

Do I recall right that in the washing up rota there was a nice person you gelt quietly OK with? I think it's a question of trying to make the most of who there is however weeny?

There is another avenue for contact and help, which are all the carers support groups set up - locally I dont know how you would contact them, but might I advise the hospital chaplain as possibly someone you can be as honest with as feels safe?

I really feel turned upside down atm with all going on, but I stayed over last night at A's and am still there seeing what it's like with someone new with some special needs.

But them, haven't we all got those?

EllieAnne, I'm so sorry to hear that amputation might be considered. Is there any friend you might be able to talk to? You're quiet and an introvert - nothing wrong with that. Talking on the 'phone to someone might be easier than face-to-face? Samaritans or something?

Hi all
EllieAnne- I think you need,if only for your own peace of mind,to be with DH even though it is more a sense of duty than love.
Yes take a book or as Wyllow suggested a lap top.
The coming days could bring more stress so please make sure you eat properly and see after yourself- DH is being seen after.
Maybe you could have a chat with your DiLs .
Thinking of you.
Wyllow- very wise words from your psychologist. Of course there is nothing to stop you seeing the people you like outside of meetings - it’s such a painful wound for you but perhaps allow it to heal a bit more. Can you talk to A about it?
Big step to stay the night but it seems to me you both need each other - maybe in different ways but a mutual caring relationship is developing that is to be treasured.
Yes we certainly do all have our special needs varied as they may be.
HVDY- lovely that you have a good friend that lives just down the road. Some people we just click with despite differences- it’s what makes the world go round.
Hope your faffing day is going well. Sometimes a faffing day can turn into a really busy one once you get into the swing of one.
So glad the BP is coming down- I hate taking it so much as I have said so many times.😩
SweetPeaSue- I feel so sorry how you both still seem to be being messed about with no coordinated care for what seems to me a serious situation for your DH.
I do hope tomorrow you can talk to your trusted GP - if not I think it’s time to make a noise - you both deserve so much better.
Doodle- it’s so lovely you have such a big collection. Of photos and vids of your DH. You obviously had the most beautiful relationship and it colours every day of your life. What a dear lady you are.
I,ve done all the washing and the small bit of ironing - thank goodness. It has been very busy since getting home and we,re both a bit weary.
Isn’t it great to meet 2 new friends maybe you could do some Arty things with them.

Well tomorrow is a day we are both dreading as it is the funeral of our oldest,most loved friend. They are the lovely couple who dementia and Alzheimer’s struck with a vengeance.
His wife is still with us but really only physically. Such a sad situation but a multitude of memories.
We must treasure every moment with our loved ones.

Love to all and take carexxxxx

Wyllow Im so sorry that you are being churned up again about the way its been handled. It all seems never ending. Im so glad you can talk to A about it and you have such a good relationship.
EllieAnne Good advice from Wyllow and HVDY about suggestions of who might be available to speak to. I hope some of your friends will step up and offer some support .I hope when you speak to the Drs or your DH this afternoon that you get news thats more encouraging.
Thankyou for your words to me when you have so much going on yourself. Sending a big hug.
Doodle Your dear man sounds such a special person. I dont suppose you could ever have enough photos or videos of him when you want to be with him so much.
Glad youve met some new friends - might mean drinking more coffees! Hope youve had a good day today.
Scaredycat Oh tomorrow will be very sad indeed for you. Im sure it will bring back many memories and I hope there are some that make you smile as well as any sad ones. Thankyou for thinking of us.
HVDY Hope your faffing day has had some interesting moments and hasn't all been about 'stuff that needs doing'. So glad the new Diuretics med is lowering your BP - great news. Yes, its a real struggle with the health system as it is . Wish we could go back to the 'old' days when you could see same GP and they didnt seem to have their hands tied as much as now. At least thats impression I get.

Hoping to get things sorted tomorrow though doubt if it'll be F2F again.
Really thought I was going to have to call Dr today as DH had vomiting , light- headed and clammy, but after an hr it stopped. Hadn't eaten anything disagreeable so its a mystery.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night.x

ScaredyCat A sad day indeed for you tomorrow. Alzheimer's is so cruel. Yes, we should appreciate our loved ones, and try to make the most of good days. My BP today has been 111/67, 115/65. I hope these pills will suit me, and then I'll see about stopping the Ramipril. I hate taking all the things I'm on - it's a good thing prescriptions are free.

SweetpeaSue That doesn't sound good - particularly with the vomiting and being clammy. Has your husband started any new medication? Or had he gone too long without eating?

Thanks* HVDY* He started Losartan a few weeks ago but hes had no side effects all that time. This morning seemed quite drastic as he doesnt usually get nausea. Ill tell Dr tomorrow if we get to see her.