When sexism and ageism combine...

I really think it depends on the circumstances, the person, the tone of voice, their expression, and the whole situation. A normal polite exchange between two people in a public place is of no importance to me at all. They can use any term they like (within reason!) I don't think I'd even notice if they called the man next to me 'sir' because am I bovvered? ?

How would they know it offends you if you don't say anything. I do not believe the terms are meant to be offensive, in fact, quite the opposite.

I quite like being called love, pet, etc.

If I’m in a part of the country where the use of love or pet or hinny or hen or anything else like that is prevalent, I’m sure I wouldn’t even notice.

But if I’m in any situation where someone is talking down to me, I notice. I’m sure that most of the people aren’t intending to be offensive, or dismissive, or anything like that. But the act of calling only a particular section of society by “pet names” is rooted in discrimination and assumptions about that group’s abilities. Women in our generation have spent decades trying to get the same treatment as men and still people think its OK to create boundaries between us where men are “sir” and we’re “lovey”. It’s not about being offended; the person on the checkout doesn’t know anything about me, I don’t expect them to. But they can't assume that I don't mind being called by a pet name. I don’t make any assumptions about her capacity, or ability, or anything else, and I expect the same courtesy from her.

So they don’t need to know if I’m offended or not (There’s offended again. Other adjectives are available). Just don’t assume that anybody likes being “lovey” and we’re off to a good start.

He probably just couldn’t remember your name
It seems he can remember everyone else's name.
Strange.

I wonder if he'd say "young man" to a man whose name he'd forgotten.
Or maybe he'd say "I'm sorry, I forgot your name" .

I don't care what people call me as long as they call me.

Oh dear - I call my odd-job man "young man" (he is in his 50s) - I never thought he might be offended by it (he does smile) Where I come from it is normal for shop assistants to call everyone, male and female "my love"!

I agree with the OP I would find the 'young lady' form of address quite patronising.

Oldwoman70 is it only the odd-job man you call 'young man' while you remember the names of all your other staff?
If so, he might be secretly peeved.

I don't think anyone's ever called my husband, Sir. Is this a common occurrence in some areas? Maybe he just doesn't look like a Sir.

I think you need to lighten up. Strewth. I’d be flattered to be called young lady. Different norms here, obviously.

In situations such as described by the OP I would, if I was bothered by it, have addressed the problem head on. It doesn’t need to be done aggressively, but simply state the problem and then provide the solution; i.e. ‘I don’t like being called ‘young lady’, please use my name in future’.

I had a tetanus jab yesterday (polio and diphtheria boosters in the same jab) as I'd cut my finger rather badly with a garden tool and hadn't had a tetanus jab for at least a couple of decades. During the conversation with the nurse who rebandaged my cut and gave me the jab she called me darlin'. SHE WAS BEING NICE so obviously I didn't mind one jot. In fact, I probably only registered it because of this thread and all the pent up offence taking some people seem to keep in store.

We conversed about other things too, such as the effect the pandemic had had on the small injuries unit that I went to, working hours, etc., etc.

Baggs that's fine, but in a situation where other people are called by their names, or where a man is addressed as 'sir' while you get 'dearie', maybe you'd have liked it less.

FarNorth

Baggs that's fine, but in a situation where other people are called by their names, or where a man is addressed as 'sir' while you get 'dearie', maybe you'd have liked it less.

I might indeed but the OP does not make clear, as far as I can tell, that she was the only person spoken to with an 'endearment' or supposed falttery. If I'd been in the same situation as described I might well have replied with a" Yes, of course, Young Man" (or Old Man if he was young).

Pondering this problem (which it really is for some people) while I was cooking this morning, it occurred to me that the use of 'endearments' could be more about the person using them than about the person at which they are directed, a smoothing over of social awkwardness on their part, if you like.

In the case at the hospital that I described, I imagine quite a lot of people going with injuries need reassurance and kindness as well as the right treatment. I suspect that's why some nurses use dears and darlings and it may become habitual. I really believe their intention is fundamentally good.

I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt anyway. Being called dear, darling, young lady and such like does me and my dignity of self absolutely no harm whatsoever. If I think someone is being patronising towards me I might think them a patronising bastard but I certainly wouldn't feel patronised.

Maybe I've just been lucky or maybe I've just 'gone all Tao' (three people on three continents have suggested as much; I didn't think that up myself) and it all goes over my head. Saves a lot of angst anyhow.

In Gloucester young shop assistants call you "My Love". To me it sounded patronising but to them it was just the natural way they addressed everyone.

I do understand your issue. It seems easier for some to use endearments to women rather than men, but I think the grocery clerk wouldn't have even realized they were lessening your social stature by using this. Perhaps a light comment such as 'If he got a sir, then I would like a m'am, rather than a lovie'.
That would bring it to their attention without rebuffing their intended friendliness.

Looking at it in a different light, perhaps you look very approachable and are worthy of a 'lovie'! If you were stern and imposing, them maybe you would get a m'am.

As I am I in my present circs. (first time ever living alone etc)
I am just grateful for someone to talk to me..

why take offence? now if they said something along the lines of "f.... you.....etc" I would cringe at that... or blasphemy

just makes me shudder.

Perhaps we men shouldn’t speak at all for fear of upsetting you. Is that what you’d prefer!?!?

Oh come on, just enjoy the conversation and relax, ease up on yourselves - and on everyone else - and enjoy life. Smile and wave!

Just think of the amount of people a shop assistant deals with in a shift. They are expected to work quickly to keep queues down. To address everyone correctly would be impossible. Sir, for most males would fit, but Madam to a young female could be offensive. In the UK we are not accustomed to the standard Miss, Madam and Sir used in the USA which I like by the way and of course we now have all the gender issue needs. Perhaps shop assistants should speak to customers at all!

It doesn’t bother me what people call me. Because it’s not meant to be rude.
There are 2 young men at work, that occasionally will call me gorgeous, now, I know I’m not and so do they. But it makes me feel good.
My Dh has always called me bab (local saying). I know some people hate being called bab, they think it’s common, but it’s also a word my mom called me. So for me it’s affection. We’re all different I suppose.

Gramps47

Perhaps we men shouldn’t speak at all for fear of upsetting you. Is that what you’d prefer!?!?

Oh come on, just enjoy the conversation and relax, ease up on yourselves - and on everyone else - and enjoy life. Smile and wave!

We're not upset. We're angry.

Just like I get angry when men tell me to get over myself.

A young acquaintance told me I was 'doing well' to be using a computer at 'my age'.

I sometimes think it depends on whom is saying it. I'm a Brummie by birth and if somebody from the Black Country calls me LOVE or somebody from Nottingham or that area calls me DUCK then I don't get offended but if it is a Londoner calling me LOVE then I do. Not sure why but there it is.

I don’t have a problem with being called young lady or lovely. When out with my husband someone called me his ‘Thai bride’ and that was upsetting! It was also one of many names I’ve been called so pick your battles. It really isn’t worth getting upset about.

My mother is a sprightly 101 year old Covid survivor as well. As my father was a professional footballer many years ago. The young carers call her their ‘WAG’ she finds it hilarious as do we. They do it for fun not all the time obviously but it brightens her day