Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

We downsized but one of our kids didn't leave (medical reasons) so after 7 years in a lovely lateral environment we have bitten the bullet and expect to have a new house in a few weeks time. Like yours it's 5 beds and three floors, couldn't find anything else after looking for years for a suitable bungalow/flat all on one floor - fussy about location, things like that don't come up where we're looking.

Basically we needed more space not less. However, we have agreed it's temporary, max 5 years and we'll have to start looking again as by then well both be in our 70s. I do think moving somewhere where you can get embedded in the local community well before you become too frail is a good idea though, which is what my late MIL did (she moved nearer us while still fit and well, and made loads of friends). I think downsizing is very painful as retirement is when we have more time to be at home and use the space for hobbies, visitors and so on. The cost of heating is a bit scary though, it wasn't such an issue when we offered on the house last August and if we were starting again I might look for a newer and more energy efficient property.

My 91 year old dad gave up his house and moved to a retirement apartment during the first Covid wave. He had to isolate for two weeks then dicovered all activities had shut down until the number of cases began to drop. It was a difficult start for him but now he says it's the best move he's ever made. He has a beautiful flat, south facing and with a large balcony. His sitting / dining room and bedroom and bathroom are all bigger than ours and so warm and comfortable. There is a communal lounge and small kitchen and a large garden for everyone to sit in. Best of all, everyone supports each other and there are coffee mornings etc and the men all get together to watch the rugby etc. Of course, there are people who don't join in activities because they like quiet and privacy, but my dad absolutely loves it and has made good friends there. We live in a largeish house in the country. If my husband dies before me, I intend to sell up and buy one of these apartments so I can go away any time I like and can just lock the door and not worry about it.

It may be hard now but you won’t regret it. I didn’t have a home as big has yours mine was just a 3 bed house lol. I’m now in a bungalow by the sea. Your memories will always be with you in your heart and head. No matter where you live a house is just bricks and water. As others have said see if you can get it put into two flats but then would you bear someone else in your home, but seriously you must spend all day cleaning It and your fuel bills must be crazy to keep it warm. The hardest thing was getting rid of furniture. But Moving is something you have to be ready to do. Also have a drive around see what you like in your area and it’s normal to miss things and times I did but I never went back to my house after I moved for a look I said goodbye on my last look around it but only you can make that choice. It took me 3yrs to move. Good luck with whatever choice you decide.

Feeling sad is all part of it but feeling tearful any time you think of it is perhaps a bit OTT? I found a saying a few years ago which I find a lot of truth in.
"^Use things; love people" A house is a thing^.

I take your point, greenlady but a house is more than a thing.
It's home, it's friendly neighbours, the location etc.

Moving when you're older and making a fresh start at 88 is a big decision.

The house is obviously a worry to you. You either accept the possibility of not coping or downsize. The house is a building, you will take your memories with you no matter where you live. And, you may well have years with no worry.

but seriously you must spend all day cleaning it

Presumably they don't use all five bedrooms so they won't get dirty or messy.
Cleaning the stairs is the worst, I must admit.

Yes, just do it now whilst you are still able.
If you're anything like us you'll have a huge amount of "stuff" and furniture which is too big for a smaller home so you need to take steps now to get rid of much of it. This will also make your home easier to sell. Use a reputable removal company to come and pack and move you, it will seem expensive but is worth every penny, if you are downsizing you can afford it.
I miss our old lovely home but am so happy to be somewhere smaller. Our outside maintenance and heating are looked after by the management company and we are near two of our children. We have enough money to be able to pay a good builder to do a thorough renovation which starts next week.
Obviously you need to do any maintenance that is overdue and you can get advice from a good estate agent about what is necessary and cost effective. He might recommend getting planning permission for an extension or something which would add value such as turning into flats, but you really don't need to take on such major work as you will add to the value of your house by just having the permission. Any major work would be very stressful and you may well not actually get your money back.
If any major work such as a new roof needs doing you can allow for this in the asking price or deduct the cost from your selling price after a survey. If you get a quote for the work beforehand you will know exactly what this would cost.
Definitely don't do work to a kitchen or bathroom prior to selling, most people prefer to install their own.

We downsized 6 years ago, mainly because DH has been scammed out of a lot of money (which we are still fighting to get back). We moved to the only bungalow around in our new price range, about 2 miles from the last house. We did have to get rid of loads of furniture and purchase new stuff. We have lovely neighbours on one side, the other? Hmmm!! The people across the road are all lovely. When buying the house DH argued the garden was too small, now he is 81 it's getting to be too big. The last house hd a huge garden which we all loved.
My suggestion is to keep looking around to see if there is any property you might fancy looking at, at the same time as getting rid of unnecessary items, to make moving easier when the time comes.

We are considering downsizing before it is too difficult, mainly because the gardens are too big for me to manage. We keep looking but really, if I'm honest, I want a big house and a small garden with money left over to invest. That is more difficult in this area as houses are going like hot cakes and there is little choice.

I had to downsize about 7 years ago when, on my own, I couldn’t manage a full time job and physically and financially manage to maintain my large Victorian home of nearly 40 year. I was spending all weekend cleaning and most holidays decorating.Luckily I found a bungalow in the same area and the peace of mind and easier life made settling in straight forward. I’ve now retired and, needing a hip replacement, know I would have been in a real fix if I’d not moved

My cousin who is 81 is getting ready to move into an assisted living apartment in two weeks time. She lost her husband to cancer at the start of the pandemic. They lived in a bungalow their whole married life, 59 years, and always planned to move nearer their daughter on the Isle of Wight but never got round to it.
I am full of admiration how my elderly cousin has waded through the minefield of conveyancing on her own over the last year, I am two hours away so could only help her over the phone mostly because of lockdowns etc getting in the way. She would often be in tears as she was still grieving of course.
She would always say she wishes they had moved when her husband was still around but she was so daunted by all the maintenance involved with the upkeep of her three bedroom bungalow after he died that is what prompted her to undertake such a move at her age. So, think carefully about moving, better sooner rather than later in some cases maybe. Good luck with any decision you make.

Very sensible suggestions from everyone! But you might want to consider something like my own solution to this problem as well (much loved house and not wanting to move).

After considering down sizing straight away I decided to use the house to provide an income for me. I started seven years ago running a B&B with two bedrooms on the first floor sharing a bathroom, and serving breakfast and other meals downstairs in my conservatory. It was very successful, but during the Covid lockdown, I discovered how much better I felt with less work to do (I have several health problems).

I had a mini kitchen put into the middle bedroom up stairs, and now do more-or-less self catering, but because of being too lazy to change my website I kept it as a B&B by providing all the ingredients for breakfast in the room for them to cook! And no shared bathroom which I was always unhappy about. I have my own loo and shower room downstairs, and I've made the living room downstairs into my bedroom.

It's brilliant! Apart from cleaning and making beds there is much less to do, and I also have my conservatory back for my own use; my favourite room! The best thing is that when my daughters and families come down I still have room for them to stay when guests aren't here.

My house is smaller than yours; three bedrooms plus a very small one, and there is only me to consider unlike your situation. I own the house outright, so don't have to pay a mortgage. I am still keeping downsizing as a future possibility, but this is the perfect solution for me for now.

I know people who have made one or two rooms into Airbnb type spaces; no need for kitchen facilities. As Pepper59 said you could keep looking for somewhere smaller without rushing.

We are all different, so personal choice, stating the obvious
so my experience, dh and I moved from Birmingham, 50 years ago, to Oxfordshire with my elderly mum living with us, and two young children.. we were both young and active
then we moved a couple of more times, the last one, from Oxfordshire to N.Yorkshire
thereafter, I retired from full time employment
dh became unwell and we moved back to Wiltshire to be nearer to gks etc.
we downsized this last move. dh died, so I am glad that we moved back, and downsized whilst he was alive, and we created our home here.

I think of sheltered accom now.. but not ready to move.
but pleased, as I said , that we had downsized whilst he was here with me.

Dear Lilypops… don’t cry! Your house is just all your wonderful memories!!! You will always have those. I had the same dilemma a few years ago but under pressure from the family we bit the bullet and DID IT!!! A little at a time. We asked the kids what the wanted and then told them to take it! Our grandchildren are now old enough to tell me the things they love, so that’s a bit more sorted… I took a bag of excess household stuff, bed linen, curtains, cooking utensils etc to the charity shop every time I left the house… sometimes two bags ? and finally we were left with furniture. When we decided where we were moving our furniture didn’t fit and what did fit, didn’t suit!! ? So a local Hospice charity came and collected it. What they can’t take you can donate to the Council who care for homeless and those others (all too many) who are in need. I reckoned we’d had 40+ years use, so it was time to move on ?
I have never felt so liberated. Very favourite arm chairs we kept and bought a few simple pieces for our new home. It was fun planning and enjoying the result ❤️❤️❤️ DO IT NOW… otherwise age will be against you and you won’t have the energy.
I promise you won’t regret it ?
PS I’m in a modern characterful house, well insulated, cosy, cheap to run, solar panels, smallish manageable garden! I’m in heaven….

We downsized this time last year.
We’d been in our property for around 35 years.
The house wasn’t too big really but it had a half acre garden which was becoming a chore rather than a pleasure.
Our new home is almost perfect (could do with another bathroom)
I will always think of our last home as home.
It was sensible to move,but neither of our hearts were in it. With bills going up and my husbands increasingly poor heath it was the right decision.Is your head dominant or your heart?
Is the place in good repair now? Will it last another 10 years without a lot of work?
Can you heat just the rooms you use? If yes, then stay put would be my advice.

It's just bricks and mortar. You'll always have your memories. Your health is more valuable. Let it become the home for another family.

My mum wanted to stay in her home, which was council owned, and she refused even the smallest adjustments to make her life easier.

It made the end of her life so hard, for everyone.

You need to move. Do it while you still have control and choices. You have to cope with the 'history' side of it - everyone is different and only you know what you will do. It will be easier when you have found a good place, so you are not so much moving from but to. Make lists, look at properties - have fun visiting areas you don't know.

I'm sure it will be a wrench. I can't imagine leaving my home and we don't have the long history having only been here 25 uears, but its where we came after we got married and brought our son up...
But if one of you is left alone, moving is going to be even harder.

I'd probably start doingnthe decluttering/un- furnishing of the rooms you no longer use and once you have a half empty house then maybe you will see that you don't need it.

Good advice: if in doubt do now't !! For now anyway. find way to stay put - moving takes 18 months I found - packing, unpacking, decorating, making a silk purse out of a sow's ear etc. We none of us know what's coming up next in ur lives but you WILL know who the time is right for you to move. Maybe it's now ? Maybe it's not ??

It is something on my mind a lot. While we are 'only' 68 and 64 we live rurally - 7 miles to anywhere, so have to drive, (no public transport), and that is a large part of our long term plan to downsize/move to a small nearby town, Nobody knows when they will suddenly be able to drive.

I dread it too, especially having to part with so many of my 'treasures' from all over the world, but giving up the huge house and garden space we have now, and with no neighbours.

Much though it might be a few years yet for us, we have many friend's whose parents left it too late to move, i.e. they became too frail and a crisis arose. That really made the whole process far more problematic/devastating to the older folk.

It would be a good idea to downsize whilst you are both fit. We have a widowed friend who has stayed on too long in her house and will eventually have to realise capital from the house to pay the bills. Plus she does not have the downstairs facilites she is starting to need, and she cannot manage her large garden on a slope. Don't let this happen to you.

I am not downsizing as husband is determined to die here. However I have a dclutterer come once a month, so that my files, papers, and possessions are all in order should I have to move.

There are quite a few decluterers who specialise in down sizing. So why don't you search the internet for local ones and then interview them. Find one you like and have her for 3 hours once a month. You will get peace of mind and at some point you will know that you are ready to leave.

This is their professional association. Just about to have a conference in Manchester in May. You might like to spend as day with them

www.apdo.co.uk/about-apdo/

I understand how you are feeling Lilypops.
I downsized last year from a 5 bedroomed detached house where I had lived for 30 years to a flat in a lovely area. I am 72 and did everything myself. My daughter lives with me but she is ill and was not able to physically help although she was a great support with decision making.
It took me a year to clear the house of possessions. Who needs 3 dinner services and a cupboard full of linen? I got rid of hundreds of books I never looked at and at least half of my clothes. I also did some basic decorating to improve the look of the house.
It then took another year before I sold the house and found my flat. The pandemic held up completion but we finally moved. I am enjoying the freedom of not having to look after a large house and garden and I feel my future is more secure.

My advice would be to get it done while you are still quite fit as it was physically and emotionally draining. Good luck!

So much good advice!
I am repeating what others have said:
Be glad that you are sad!
Glad that you have had a wonderful home with all it memories - glad that you are leaving whilst still able to love your home.
Leave whilst you have a choice.
I have some elderly relatives who don't agree with that - they want the choice taken from them when the time comes. It's a point of view, but not one I agree with!

The only option that has been mentioned is some sort of conversion that leaves you a manageable flat within the property. You could consider financing it from the sale or rent of the other space. but you need specialist advice on that.

Good luck!

A move is expensive. Only worth doing when you are happy with your choice. There is no choice at the moment, so I would wait perhaps another year? Maybe selling some furniture and decluttering in the
meantime.