Running around after an elderly neighbour

For every one of those “takers “ there are others who refuse to ask for help. Afraid that was me some years back.
I took a taxi to the shop and had a different driver on the way home. He must have seen how frail I was and insisted on taking the shopping into the kitchen and even putting things away in fridge and freezer.
He returned the next morning with his wife.
This couple turned up every other day to help me out. I was so grateful to them. After 2 weeks I had nearly recovered from the accident that had laid me so low. I told this couple how thankful I was and could now feel able to drive myself to the shops and ...... they insisted that they would come back in a week to make sure.
That was some years ago and we are now good friends.

Oh yes!! Many times, and this was even more so in the 80s/90s when I was working in our own IT business, and as a merchandiser, and freelance journalist, had a teenager who did an activity every day after school and at weekends, a large dog to care for, and my late parents required an awful lot of my time/care and took Brownies. Oh, and I have numerous illnesses. If anyone ever wonders why I got a real sickener and now put myself first it is because of numerous 'users' and ungrateful individuals over the years, but also that my illnesses are incurable, progressive & chronic. Needless to say none of these folk did anything for me.....

I have had exactly the same with an elderly step cousin. Daughter died some years ago, son lives in Europe, visits once every 6 months apart from lockdown. Step cousin is rude,tyrannical and generally ungrateful, her constant moan being " no one cares,neighbours and family used to look after everyone, they did it for a smile and a thankyou". There are 6 of us who keep an eye on her, shopping, changing her bed, helping her with any paperwork or emergency repairs.After a bout of pneumonia she had carers, they were an enormous help as they got her washed and dressed every day- despite her protests,I'm pretty sure she had stopped washing herself in the previous weeks.The care was a free service for 10 days when she came out of hospital.She argued with doctors and social workers, shouted and raged at everyone because she refused to pay for any care, didnt see why she should ' as they are already paid'. ( Doing this she actually managed 5 weeks free care by putting the agencies in a very difficult position,despite us trying to make her see reason. She can afford care,her goal in life is to keep every penny to leave to the son living abroad)None of us who help out are spring chickens- her grandson is younger , but ill himself with a serious heart condition,and who puts up with much abuse including her attacking him with her walking stick recently! The doctors and social workers say she is compos mentis, and yes I would agree, but her expectations of continuing free care from neighbours and distant relatives are unreasonable.I went through agonies of guilt,but after a difficult 2 months while she was recovering from pneumonia, plus 2 years of running after her during lockdown,I have had to back off for my own sanity and health. I did have a nasty cold to start, and wouldn't risk giving it to her. She hasn't once rung to see how I am, just moaned to others that I haven't been round.I really can't face going back at present. And what of her son in Europe....?" I can't look after mum, we would kill each other..." ?! He is quite content living the life he wants, but to me his mothers care should be his responsibility.

I should just add that after my father died when I was 11 and we were left in dire financial straits,we didn't see much of her or family when even a social call to see how we were faring would have been very welcome.My mother was too proud to have asked anyone to help financially.My step cousin has chosen to ignore the fact that no one helped us out as she insists people did in the old days.

Some years ago I offered to pick a friend and her weeks shopping up from a large sainsburys on Friday afternoons, as she didn’t have a car and I felt sorry for her. I would then help her carry it indoors and put it away, and we would have a cup of tea. I did this every Friday for over a year, but then I heard that her husband had bought a car and she had learned to drive. I said that she really didn’t need me to pick her up anymore, but give me a ring next week and we’ll have a cup of tea. Never heard from her ever again.

Yes I did - the lady's adult son lived about 5 minutes walk away and was a friend of my brother's.
When I asked why he didn't help his mum, he shrugged his shoulders and said why did he need to when I was next door to do it instead ?
This was at a time when I had my young son and often child minded his mates twins !
I finally got fed up with him, after feeling sorry for his mother for breeding such a selfish * by giving him an invoice for the hours that I had spent doing his job - she even seemed to expect me to do cleaning for her after he refused to engage domestic help!
My invoice didn't get paid and his mother was put in a home soon after!

Oldwoman70

notgran story reminds me of a time when I was asked to make tea and coffee for a meeting. I was working in a different department but was the only female on that floor. I listened attentively while it was outlined that I would be expected to make tea or coffee as required, clean up the room after the meeting and then wash the crockery used. After all that had been outlined I just said "no".

My "lack of co-operation was reported to the manager and I was called into his office to "explain myself"

I pointed out that the meeting had nothing to do with the department I was working in and in any event nowhere in my contract did it say I was to provide such services, I then went on to suggest that as they were all adult males they should be capable of making tea and coffee for themselves.

The manager looked uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said "I see what you mean". Nothing more was said and I was never asked again!

Sounds like the perfect way to handle it.

Have a similar neighbour ,,,,she took to calling the ambulance all the time because she was 'ill' (nothing wrong with her) ...when they kept her in (before the Pandemic) she was delighted at having meals cooked, being cared for which is why she kept ringing them. When she was home she would knock on neighbours doors at all hours of night and day saying ;do you have a spare toilet roll;.....;do you have a medicine measuring spoon? ....the problem is, she desperately WANTS to go into a care home but she is refusing to sell her home (think son has something to do with it as he will lose out ! (mind you, he visits once a year)) but social services told her it will cost over £50,000 a year and the council will not pay. Then she took to having her TV and music on all night ...even people living two doors away were disturbed by it .......at first people were sympathetic and ran to help, but it just got that they had no life as she was so demanding. We all realise and know full well her problem is she is very needy, and hates living on her own.......one neighbour used to invite her for coffee but she started turning up every morning as she thought the invite (she said) was for every day ! It is very very sad ...she needs treatment, or rather, a place in a care home but there is nothing available so she now lives alone ......I heard her complaining to the paramedics who bought her home from her last trip to hospital (she says the weekend roast is lovely !!!!!!!!!!!!) that she 'never sees or speaks' to anyone .........that is not true, she has now in place carers who come four times a day .......she resents having to pay for them ....but I worry in case I get like that ...alone (I am alone now but still ok !) and old, with no one .................what a country we live in where you are frightened of getting old and being totally alone ! very sad

We love two hours away (in the RAF) from my parent’s in law, my poor hubby used to go there every weekend and clean and buy food, which he’d throw put the next weekend. We didn’t really understand what was happening to them and thought that it was his 90year old cantankerous dad preventing help (meals on wheels sent away, gardener shouted at etc). It was his 70 year old mum who had dementia and who hid it from us so well. We later found our that the neighbours were doing so much for them and not one told us. Eventually we called the GP who wasn’t much use and ended up calling social services for support. Dad died and mum ended up in an assessment centre (outreach nurse had called the on call psychiatrist to get her sectioned as a danger to herself) he refused! She was in a terrible state and the outreach. It’s was amazing and persuaded her to go in. Sadly she fell put of bed and broke her leg, an X-ray found that she has advanced kidney cancer and she died shortly after. It was a terrible time for all of us and I wish the neighbours had told us what was going on much earlier. We were told not to take mum to live with us as she could burn down our house. Her house was an awful state by the end, her poor cat and dog were badly cared for too. We did what we felt we could but also respected mum’s rights. It’s hard to find the balance. I always wondered if the dementia was actually brain metastasis. Sad tale.

I want to know too! What does 'down the banks' mean ?
Sounds like a useful saying.

Biglouis - I was in the same position some years back - started looking out for the elderly lady that lived opposite me - began chatting in the communal garden - hanging out washing - I would simply hold the door open for her as she came in/out.Her unmarried useless lump of a son lived with her and she was pegging out washing in her eighties.From then - I started picking up a bit of shopping for her in town - not easy - she needed gluten-free products - had to search the store for these.They had their shopping delivered and I offered to help her put it away when her son was at work.As time went on - I was being asked to come over and put the shopping away even when her son was in and being asked to peg out their washing when he was sitting on his backside in the lounge.One day I was late coming home from work and their shopping had been delivered and she rang me - I heard him in the background saying - 'Is she coming or not ?'.I was fuming obviously.One day she rang and left a message on voicemail - she was having an 'emergency'.I was wallpapering at my daughter's home at the time - she lives in the same road - so I quickly went to my neighbour's home to be told - that she couldn't find the remote control.They even rang me for help on two consecutive Christmas days before she passed away.When she was in hospital and not expected to live long - her son knocked my door and asked would I go to the hospital with him.I felt bad but found the courage to say 'no' - I felt manipulated by both of them - because although I really did not mind helping her - I felt used - when he was at home and I was there doing the things that he should have been doing.Before she went into hospital,she was ringing when she needed help to dress/go to the toilet,etc and I really did not mind doing this - coming from a 'care' work background but after realising he was there on many occasions and just didn't or wouldn't help his Mum I got very resentful.

i used to do it, only this morning i sat down and counted 8 people who played this trick on me in the past 12 years.
why did i do it? the roots of it were in my childhood,having to rescue a mentally ill mother from a mentally ill father,spent until i was 66 trying to rescue mentally ill people.It cannot be done,the cost to myself has been great,it has affected my mental health,glad to say Im on the mend.Don't
fall for abusive people.there is lots of information about this subject,enabling/co dependency etc.

'Down the banks', I'm originally from Liverpool and we use the phrase a lot. It means a good telling off!
I believe its origin is Irish.

I find it works both ways but I do try not to ask for any help.

One of my neighbours sorted out eg a new router and got Alexa up and running again but if they go away for a long weekend, I will look after their house and put the bins out.

I still drive so if they want a large parcel picked up I will happily do it. If I thought I was becoming "needy" I would put a gun to my head. Now and again I take them out for a meal to say thank you.

At one point when working part time, with two young children and an OH who worked long hours and did nothing at home, I had the task of the shopping and paperwork, making cups of tea and generally spending some social time with an old uncle and an old neighbour. They were both undemanding, grateful and good fun to spend time with, but I was like a frenzied wall of death rider with three households to shop for, and all the associated time consuming matters. Old uncle died and old neighbour went into a care home. Within no time at all after those events I had a call from a woman on a committee with which I was involved who said she was having an 'emergency' and could I bring my car? The emergency turned out to be that she had bought too much shopping and wanted a lift home. Her husband rang me a few days later to say the car had broken down and could I come to collect him? He was about two miles away, on a bus route, and on the way back I said perhaps next time they were in such difficulties they could get on the bus or ring for a taxi - my car was neither. That went down badly , but luckily that was the end of the liberty taking - I subsequently saw them being ferried about by another harrased looking neighbour!

I haave had a similar experience to other people. A friend of 40 years who lives in town asked me to come and help her complain about a bed she had bought. I will not detial the whole saga here but she expected regular support via shop, the expert witness, the ombuds man. I told her that this was a job for her son, she has two. She claimed neither of them could help her. One is a reitred police man so I sad she should repsir her relationship and ask him. I did agree to find out the cost of an expert witness for her side, and to type up the narrative she told me over how she came to buy the iten in the first placs and what she expected it to do. I said I would put the information in the post.

I think it is highly likely I will not be seeing her again.

Years ago I shared the school run with a neighbour who couldn't drive. We mostly alternated but I did more in bad weather and her when it was nice weather. Then she learnt to drive and she was no longer interested in sharing the school run. I guess when she gets old she may become such a 'user'. On two occasions I was called by the school as my children hadn't been collected, Her excuse " I couldn't see them so thought you'd picked them up yourself" as if I'd have done that without telling her! Eventually we fell out as one of her sons and his friends started bullying my son and daughter. It was so bad at one point we had to involve the police. She would never accept what her son was up to as he lied about it saying my son started things. I found out the truth from another neighbour's child!

Thankfully we moved away when my ex's job changed and I've had lovely neighbours where I am. After 18 years here I'm the 'old lady' now with younger neighbours. One cuts my hedge when he does his, though I never asked him to. He always said "If you need anything let us know" during lockdown, though I'm still relatively young and fully independent. The only time I've asked for help was when I needed some things moved around in my loft so I asked his teenage son, but paid him for his trouble.
Most people are happy to offer help when not being taken advantage of but we have to be prepared to say no when it becomes an imposition and we start to resent it.

Weaponised incompetence. It has its place.lol

No matter what I do for my neighbour he's still a grumpy, thankless old man.

Not quite the same but years ago we had a lovely elderly day who lived on her own. I regularly asked if she needed any help with anything but she always said no. For a long time she always bought my children Easter Eggs and Christmas presents and we got her a hamper. She started to get frail, but insisted her daughter and grandson would do her shopping. One day I called around and she was upset her horrible family were coming every week and taking £50 off her for shopping only to come back with £10 of food. And she had caught her grandson stealing from her. Next time I saw daughter Volunteered to do her shopping and was told to mind my own business. They never took her out or invited her for Christmas. A year later she died and daughter was crying on my doorstep saying her Mum had left everything in her will to Sunshine Homes for the Blind. I was so happy!

1summer that story was heartbreaking, but the punchline was brilliant!

Communicating in an assertive way is all that's needed to deal with a high maintenance neighbour/friend irrespective of their age. Many years ago I used to teach negotiation skills and assertiveness (on an academic course) to business people engaging in overseas trade. It was amazing how many were either passive or aggressive and couldn't understand why they always came out with a poor deal (passive ones) or no deal at all (aggressive ones). Now as a psychotherapist I see many clients who complain of being 'put upon' by friends and relatives, and it all comes down to respecting the boundaries you want to see for yourself and communicating that.

Personally, I would do anybody a favour if I had the time and resources but I would always say something like "You're lucky, I can do this for you now because ...." On occasions when I don't want to do the favour I will say "Sorry you're unlucky today (or this week) as my time's all spoken for".

It's up to everyone to say what they can and can't do, and I sometimes wonder whether people who moan about being taken for granted or being put on have ever really stated their position.

I've told this before, but maybe not on here. My SIL rented rooms from an elderly lady who lived alone in a large house. It was fine for years, then as the lady got more frail she started having accidents (after doing silly things like climbing on chairs etc)
My SIL had to take her to A&E several times, and started to dread coming home.
After the last time, a nurse asked if she'd got anyone at home to look after her, and she said "yes,[SIL]"! The next day my SIL went to an estate agent and started looking at houses!

@eva3 . Giving someone ‘down the banks’ means giving them a good telling off .

I worked in an office where the ‘junior’ was sent out each week to get the head of depts green grocery shopping list (from his wife). She had to go to the market on the other side of Leeds and lug back carrier bags of food. One day she was feeling poorly, so I said I’d go. I took the list, went to the much nearer M&S. Of course it cost twice as much as going to the market. No one was ever asked to do his shopping again.