Running around after an elderly neighbour

Yes it has happened to me. Several years later it is still too painful to talk about in any detail. My life was taken over by an old 'friend' who asked to come and stay with us for two weeks while her neighbours were on holiday. That could not work as we didn't have a spare room, so foolishly I agreed to go to her. It turned into a nightmare. She didn't want me to leave and when I did she phoned us in the middle of the night sometimes and every weekend needing me to go and sit with her. I was working full time in our family business and the experience nearly broke me. It went on for somewhere in the region of a year. My family didn't know how I had let it happen. Nor did I. It ended badly. I have recently joined a newly formed friendship group and someone suggested that we offer out numbers in case anyone had an emergency. I suddenly felt very trapped and didn't respond. I am not a mean person but I could not face being used like that again. The little old lady act was an act. The person who did it to me went on to do it to her new neighbours and to another couple who befriended her at church when she moved house. They got in touch when she died. She had done the same stuff to them and nearly driven them crazy with her demands.

If you never say 'no' , what is your 'yes' worth?

biglouis
A description I learnt on GN a while ago was that people can sometimes be described as drains or radiators.

Some drain you of your energy, time and leave you exhausted.
Others radiate warmth and positivity.

Learning to say No in a pleasant but firm way is a positive thing to do.

I have no neighbours thankfully

Over the years I have learned to set boundaries and to say no to things that do not suit me You are only put upon if you allow it

Reading these posts the message is clear - set your own boundaries from the start, keep alert and trust your instincts. Sometimes we (mainly women) like to be of help - it’s good to be needed isn’t it?

I once had an old neighbour who was what was then called “a dirty old man” in every sense and I would avoid him as much as possible for obvious reasons. One Sunday a social worker came to my door asking if I had heard the neighbour calling for help, I hadn’t, and who would know the difference between him calling for help and his v loud radio? The SW gave me the filthiest of looks and used our phone to call the police so she could gain access to the house. I did feel a little glow of smugness when the police officer, sighed deeply with a “not him again”
The point here is that as a woman I was supposed to be caring about elderly neighbours - but I know it was him who took my dance leotard off the washing line (never saw it again - probably wouldn’t have wanted it back anyway) Still makes my flesh crawl.

My motto is “ two strikes and they’re out” if I think someone is trying to use my good will and kindness.

Be kind but don’t be a doormat.

Sometimes being a kind neighbour is not in the best long term interest of the elderly person. When my partially sighted mother was widowed she became increasingly in need of care. I suggested that she moved to sheltered accommodation near to where I live so that I could keep an eye on her, organise suitable care and take her out. She refused, saying that she was ‘independent’ and the neighbours helped. She could not recognise that it was the neighbours, voluntary organisations and regular Carers that enabled her to stay in her house. Only after several hospital admissions and finally being discharged home at midnight unable even to get a glass of water did the neighbours realise that their kindness was not enough. It was only delaying the inevitable and my mother was urgently moved to a care home.

Yes it happened to me too. I walked her dog weekly for my disabled neighbour and was then gradually asked to do more and more. I think that is the problem, it is gradual until it is overwhelming. My main job seemed to be sorting out her insurance when she had a knock in her car - on one occasion, I picked up her shopping from the garage to which the car had been towed only to be accused of taking her double cream! I was able to tell her that it was stuck to the inside of the car - and now my jeans! She became so unpleasant when my husband became ill that I just stopped having anything to do with her. And I don't get caught like that again.

OH and I helped an unwell neighbour despite him being considerably younger than us and having family very close by. We didn't seek recompense for supplying veg from our garden or for fuel when picking up medication or shopping when we were out shopping but we were both distraught when his daughter accused us of stealing from him after he died. We had never been in his house without him there and we were frequently out of pocket for his shopping. Her accusations nearly broke us.............awful woman!

I am someone who really, really struggles with placing boundaries and am a people pleaser to the extent that I frequently put myself into impossible situations trying to help various people. I know that this is a legacy from my childhood and deeply ingrained! I do not want to be like this as I tend to get burnt out and or resentful but try as hard as I might I can’t seem to shift the guilt I feel when saying no!
The people that make me mad are those that take advantage of others by constantly piling on the pressure for help when they can clearly see the helper is exhausted and run down but don’t give a dam! I am very independent and dont ask for help lightly so I do not expect others to take the micky!

i had this problem years ago when i was 20, i was in a commitee group helping to improve the area and raise funds for a childrens group, a relative asked me to take this woman (late 20s) under my wing, she seemed nice and we got on well, but she was not very bright (sounds awful) i was married but not working, she started turning up at my house at 9am and staying till 10/11 at night, i was expected to feed her and her daughter, then her husband lost his job and he started arriving at lunchtime expecting to be fed, they would bring there washing and she would be adding things to my shopping. the final straw was when i got a job and they asked me for a key so they could come round to my house and do there washing and play on my husbands game system, when i said no her husband went to hit me, he missed but i called the police, she moved away when her husband left her, i saw her a few years later, she was hooked up with a drug addict and her little girl went into care, i felt guilty after seeing her but i had done enough. i think because of this i have never had any close friends and now i am in my 50s.

Oh yes, been there with a neighbour. Was given some great support and advice on here last year about it. The final straw for me was her refusal to have the post hospital support that was on offer to her. I took a huge step back - helped also by me having an accident where I sustained a quite painful injury. She’s now got the message.

I'm cross with my two neighbours.
I will be responding in kind to the lack of help they have given me, lately.
Perhaps I'm s needy old nuisance.

biglouis, I'd never get into that situation in the first place. I don't offer help unless I'm happy to do it. I could advise and direct people to local sources of assistance - but that's about it.

I am the daughter of my 87 yr old mum, who I think takes advantage of her neighbour. The neighbour takes my mum shopping, cleans her flat for her and other numerous everyday tasks. I sometimes wish this friend would step back although I am also grateful.

When my mother in law became housebound I was doing all her shopping. The list was the same every week and woe betide me if I bought the wrong brand. She included things like blocks of Fairy soap (which I didn't even realise you could still buy) which she used for hand washing her knickers. She refused to use debit cards or direct debits, all her bills had to be paid at the Post Office. "Next time you're in the Post Office" she would say - I was never in the Post Office unless I was paying her bills! Thank goodness we eventually got power of attorney and I could do everything by cards and direct debits. I don't think she ever grasped the fact that I could just walk up to a machine and cash. Had to keep on with her weird shopping requirements until she went into a home.

more than likely you will be unable to remember at any given moment that there’s actually anything wrong with you

What a silly think to say!

There are numerous online tests to enable individuals to determine whether any symptoms they have is normal "age related" forgetting or dementia. I occasionally cannot recall the exact word I want but I can think of alternatives or use the "synonym" function in google to find it.

My NDN has the signs of early onset dementia. She has always been a needy whiner. Now when you try to have a conversation with her its like talking to a tape recorder. Except that a tape recorder has a marginally more sense. The conversation goes round and round. She doesnt take in what you say to her and just continues to whine and repeat what you just said. Then after a while because she isnt getting what she wants she becomes very aggressive and starts to shout. She bullies her husband and her children when they come to see her. I feel sorry for them but they are of a culture where everyone runs around "serving" the matriarch and making allowances.

She has developed an OCD about bins, rubbish and drains. One day she went berserk when a passer by dropped a cigarette packet into her bin which was out on the pavement for collection. She is always accusing me of blocking the drains and sending plumbers around. Then she gets angry when I dont answer the door. I know she has friends of her own ethnicity nearby and I wonder to what extent she has her claws into them. I wonder who does her shopping, collects her prescriptions, and so on

Certainly it will never be me as I am determined never to get "lumbered" again.

I’m quite sad now reading through this thread as some people do need help now and again and kindness goes a long way. There is a world of difference between being taken advantage of by not being able to say NO and offering kindness to someone in need.

Opelessgran, but what is the son supposed to do, if he lives in Europe and his mother refuses to pay for care?

As my dh did for his aunt, you can arrange carers until the cows come home, but if the caree sends them all away, with whatever excuse because she just doesn’t want to pay (Too loud, too ‘common’ were two that the aunt used) what are you supposed to do?

IMO if people who need care can afford to pay for it, then they should, and not expect family with (so often) busy lives, to step up.
I’ve already told dds that I will never want or expect them to look after me.

Exactly!

The son is smart and realistic with the current situation

The danger of neighbours and friends helping is giving an unrealistic picture to the caree.
This enablement is actually making the situation worse.

One of the reasons we moved house was to get away from a neighbour who was fit , had a car, plenty of money but I think was lonely. He could spot us sitting in our conservatory so would come round for a chat. He expected lifts to the airport and to be met when he came home having flown to see his daughter but the only time we asked him to do something he refused as she would be on holiday with him and they did not know what their plans were. We were so good to him for years but it gor too much and was intrusive.

Biglouis, I love the drains and radiators analogy.

Ailidh

Biglouis, I love the drains and radiators analogy.

It was me who said that!
I learnt it on GN so can't claim it as an original.

Ohhhhh dont mention the drains!

She is constantly wanting to send around plumbers and accusing me of blocking the drains. I have a plumber/handperson and he says the biggest culprit is fat/oil/grease with which groups like NDN cook. I dont believe she is carefully collecting the spent oil into a plastic tub and putting it into the landfill bin. More likely throwing it down the sink or loo where it solidifies and congeals into a mass, attracting lots of other things to it. I dont even own a chip pan. Not do I put silly things like wet wipes down the loo as none of them really dissolve.

Two weeks ago I watched on the cctv as 5 men from the utility company jetted out her drains and removed several buckets full of black gunk. Then they did a camera survey of the lateral drain that serves the entire row of houses. I would be very interested to hear what they found but had no intention of going out to ask with my NDN hovering around. I hope she got on their nerves as much as she does mine.